TV Tonight: ANTM, Modern Family, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars (The CW) Season Finale: Will the Cycle 17 winner be crazy Lisa, ghetto Angelea or weird Allison (above)? Since Lisa is too obvious and Angelea is too terrible (seriously, how did she get this far?), let’s go with Allison. Keep in mind, I haven’t correctly picked a winner since Cycle 1—don’t bet on my choice, compulsive gamblers.

Modern Family (ABC) Christmas Episode: In order to expedite the holidays, everyone is assigned tasks: Mitchell, Alex and Lily get the tree; Gloria does the ornaments; Jay and Cameron wrap presents; Phil, Claire and Manny … seem to be missing from the chore list. Am I the only one thinking sexy road trip with Manny running the camera? Yeah, probably.

American Horror Story (FX) Not Even Close to a Christmas Episode—It’s Titled “Smoldering Children”: Violet (and we) finally learn the house’s ghost rules, so everything is going to make complete sense now. Also, a little more backstory on Larry’s burnt face, and Constance is hauled in by the cops for questioning. All I want to know is, will Mena Suvari (mrrrow) be sticking around as the Black Dahlia? And where exactly are these “smoldering children,” anyway?

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Psych (USA); The Soup (E!)

So WT Fuck is going on in this America’s Next Top Model finale promo? And why is ANTM still not in HD?

TV Tonight: Modern Family, Survivor, ANTM, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) Thanksgiving Episode: A former neighborhood kid (The Book of Mormon’s Josh Gadd) returns as a Internet millionaire (what is this, 1997?), causing Phil to ponder why he’s not more successful—which, of course, he’ll be over by the end of the episode when counts his blessings over a misty montage … oh, spoiler? That’s how every episode ends.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

American Horror Story (FX) The identity of the Rubber Man is finally revealed, as is, presumably, his reasoning for stealth-raping/impregnating Vivien (Connie Britton). And then, things get stabby. Yes, just another feel-good Thanksgiving episode for the night.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Up All Night, The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor, Mobbed (Fox); Whitechapel (BBC America); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo)

Happy Thanksgiving from American Horror Story: 

TV Tonight: ANTM, CMA Awards, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model (The CW) The girls head to Greece—and, wouldn’t you know it, there’s an underwear shoot. Will Christ-y Shannon refuse to strip down again, just like she did waaay back in Season (sorry, Cycle) 1? As you can see by the photo above, she prefers to keep it modest. Forecast: Dra-ma.

The 45th Annual Country Music Awards (ABC) You won’t be seeing any of your favorite ABC shows tonight, because the network is devoting three fucking hours to already-overplayed country-music acts, hosted by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood. But, if you really need your Modern Family fix, you can see Cam (Eric Stonestreet) on …

American Horror Story (FX) The story of Tate is finally told, and it’s predictably bloody and crazy. Meanwhile, Ben treats a new patient (Stonestreet) who’s afraid of being murdered by a fictional (?) pig-man, which bears no relation to South Park’s ManBearPig. Does it go well? Does anything ever go well on this show?

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Psych (USA)

America’s Next Top Model strips down in Greece tonight …

Five to One

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Thursday 9.13 (FX) Season Premiere: How to kick off a new season of basic cable’s most infamously sick/wrong/hysterical sitcom when you’ve already mined the comedy gold of racism, abortion, molestation, welfare, crack addiction and—worst of all—local politics? I believe the title of tonight’s episode says it all: “The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby.” There’s also a subplot about environmental idiocy, er, activism, and the continued, utterly unnecessary presence of Danny DeVito, but It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia still rides on the flawless cartoon-nihilism chemistry of Mac, Charlie, Dennis and Sweet Dee, which occasionally equals that of Seinfeld’s Hallowed Four … if they lived in a seedy Philly borough instead of Manhattan, that is. Love the show, hate yourself.

Nashville Friday 9.14 (Fox) Series Debut: If you actually consider Laguna Beach and The Hills to be “reality” shows, you just might be a big enough sucker to fall for the same brain trust’s Nashville, which follows the manufactured dreams and drama of young pretty folk “struggling” to forge a career in country music—or whatever it is Nashville cranks out these days. Then again, it’s on Friday nights, so it won’t even last as long as the previous sentence. Moving on …

Prison Break, K-Ville Monday 9.17 (Fox) Season Premiere/Series Debut: When last we left Prison Break, Michael had been tossed in a hellhole Panamanian prison and Lincoln was on the outside—tables turned, man! Is your mind blown? If not, this should do it: Nash Bridges’ daughter (Jodi Lynn O’Keefe) is introduced this season as a character named … Susan B. Anthony! Prison-breaking, conspiracy-busting and head-shining ensue anew. Considerably less-complex is new series K-Ville: Jaded maverick cop + by-the-book new partner with a Dark Secret + colorful crew x post-Katrina New Orleans = Standard Police Drama No. 625, with a side of Cajun sauce. In other words, don’t bet on any new series with a “ville” suffix.

Back to You, ‘Til Death Wednesday 9.19 (Fox) Series Debut/Season Premiere: Kelsey Grammer, Patricia Heaton and Fred Willard star in the hottest new sitcom of 1987—now! Sure, Back to You may feel like a throwback to Murphy Brown, but it smells as dead as Ted Knight’s decomposing corpse under the remnants of the Mary Tyler Moore set (see kids, The Mary Tyler Moore Show was a newsroom comedy of the 20th Century, as was Murphy Brown). How ‘Til Death made it to a second season is equally unclear; Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher’s undercooked homage to Al & Peggy Bundy would probably have gone straight to TV Land if Fox wasn’t so preoccupied with giving Ryan Seacrest more shit to do—seriously, that assclown is hosting the Emmys and animating backgrounds for American Dad on breaks.

America’s Next Top Model Wednesday 9.19 (The CW) Season Premiere: The search is on for the latest 98-pound skank to sequester in the Witness Protection Program, uh, launch into a fabulous modeling career! Or at least a future guest spot on a doomed CW series like …

Gossip Girl Wednesday 9.19 (The CW) Series Debut: If I thought the pilot episode of Gossip Girl would stay in my head for longer than the two minutes it’s going to take to recap it, I’d spring for a lobotomy. Josh Schwartz has relocated The O.C. to an east-coast private school for rich teen models with more “problems” than personality; when you can spot the group “bad boy” wearing a bored look, artfully mussed hair and an ascot (!) in the first act, things probably ain’t going to get better. No, it gets worse, and the unseen titular “blogger” narrating the show only drives home the inanity: It’s Kristen Bell, ex-star of The CW’s far-superior-so-of-course-it-was-canceled Veronica Mars. Stellar first week of the new fall season, eh?