TV Tonight: Bored to Death, Enlightened, Five, Hart of Dixie

What’s new tonight:
Bored to Death (HBO) Season Premiere: “I’ll be signing books, iPads and Kindles,” Jonathan (Jason Schwartzman) tells the crowd gathered for the release of his novel, The Blonde in the Woods, at the opening of Bored to Death’s third season—sounds like everything’s going our hero’s way, right? Don’t worry, he’ll be in over his head in a new “detective” case soon enough. Oh, and Ray (Zach Galifianakis) will be breastfeeding a baby via whiskey on his nipples, and George (Ted Danson) will attempt to open a new restaurant on Jane Street called, of course, George on Jane—the usual Bored to Death hijinks.

Enlightened (HBO) Series Debut: Which are a weird fit with the new Enlightened, a dramedy from Mike White and Laura Dern starring the latter as a driven, toxic career woman who suffers a major professional meltdown, recoups at a New Age retreat and returns even more insufferable (but positive!) than before. Unfortunately, the navel-gazing drama outweighs the comedy, like a bummer cousin to The Big C. Yeah, I thought that was impossible, too.

Five (Lifetime) Movie Special: Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore, Alicia Keys and some other less-famous women direct five shorts about breast cancer. OK, maybe Enlightened isn’t the most depressing thing on TV tonight …

Hart of Dixie (The CW) Hey, It’s Not Canceled Yet: In order to impress the local hillbillies, Dr. Zoe (Rachel Bilson) tries to win a local gumbo-cooking contest. Since when the fuck is gumbo an Alabama dish? Does The CW just think all Southern cooking is the same? And are we supposed to believe that Bilson actually eats? Bitches, please.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); House, Terra Nova (Fox); The
Sing-Off (NBC); Shitastic Playboy Club Replacement (KSL 5); Gossip Girl (The CW); Top Gear (BBC America); The Lying Game (ABC Family); Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); (Dis)connected (MTV)

Coming this season on Bored to Death: Intrigue, guns and … Dick Cavett?