My Bare Lady Thursday, Dec. 7 (Fox Reality) Series Debut: The rerun-riffic Fox Reality cable channel (go ahead, try to find it in your listings) hasn’t been much of a contender in the original series arena—unless you count the misadventures of a pair of vineyard-buyin’ millionaires in Corkscrewed: The Wrath of Grapes … which, let’s hope, no one does. But now, get ready for My Bare Lady! Adult-film actresses Chanel St. James, Kirsten Price, Sasha Knox and Nautica Thorne (all tops in the field—I’ve researched their work, extensively) fly across the Atlantic for three weeks of proper theatre—that’s “re”—training before debuting on London’s West End in a classical drama. Can the porn queens prove themselves as real thespians? How many thespian/lesbian jokes can be squeezed into an episode? Is there a money shot in Medea? Will Falstaff need a fluffer? Can the ladies rise from creampies to the crème de le crème? Could I gone on and on like this? Yes, but I’ll need an hour or two turnaround.
The Wire Sunday, Dec. 10 (HBO) Season Finale: First Heroes (off till January), now The Wire (back for Season 5 in late 2007)? What are TV critics going to have to talk and giggle about amongst themselves for the rest of the month? How about …
Sleeper Cell: American Terror Sunday, Dec. 10-Sunday, Dec. 17 (Showtime) Miniseries: As if domestic criminals weren’t enough to worry about, Showtime’s miniseries about Islamic terror cells in Los Angeles is back—and with Jack Bauer currently on a slow boat to China, no less! Chloe!
The Lost Room Monday, Dec. 11-Wednesday, Dec. 13 (Sci-Fi) Miniseries: Doesn’t get much more high-concept than this: A cop (Six Feet Under’s Peter Krause) comes into possession of the key to a motel room along Route 66 in New Mexico—a supernatural motel room full of powerful objects, like a comb that can bend time and an electricity-shooting pen, if not a decent air conditioner (yeah, all motels are the same). When his daughter (Elle Fanning) suddenly disappears within, he realizes Room 10 of the Sunshine Motel is the center of unearthly power—also because a mysterious woman (Julianna Margulies) tells him so, and mysterious women are always right in science fiction. Naturally, all kinds of nefarious figures are out to collect the objects to Control the World, and now Cop and Mysterious Woman are in the thick of it. The Lost Room is on the dazzling, high end of the Sci-Fi quality scale—more The Triangle and Taken than FrankenFish and DinoCroc—so expect much talk of it becoming a series but never panning out.
Nip/Tuck Tuesday, Nov. 12 (FX) Season Finale: Not only did Nip/Tuck finally jump the shark this year, it gave it a sex change and a new nose before bending it over a gurney and having its way while crying “Mommy!” Seriously, this season would have been effdup even without naked Rosie O’Donnell (eww), the lobster baby (sheesh), Larry Hagman’s sag-sack (yikes), the dwarf nanny (zoinks), lesbian Alanis Morissette (oh, sure), the nipple-eating dog (ouch), the kidney thieves (damn) and Scientology (that’s just going too far). In the season closer, tattooed mofo Escobar Gallardo is back again, and Christian’s “love” life is in jeopardy … again. Ah, at least some things never change.DVD
Beerfest The Broken Lizard crew (Super Troopers and other lesser movies that make you want to keep referencing Super Troopers) takes on the most sacred of all subjects: Beer, and the voluminous guzzling of same—oh, and boobs. There’s also a “story” involving a competition, if you’re into that. WarnerBros.com
Miami Vice Other than Collin Farrell’s mullet, not much ‘80s action going on here—they didn’t even bring back the Jan Hammer theme! Still, the modern Miami Vice remake is a passable action-cop drama with more plot than required for the multiplex, hence a more satisfying ride on DVD. But why so serious? NBCUniversalStore.com
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest A stunning feat of trilogy filler between original and finale, Dead Man’s Chest at least seems like it’s going somewhere even though absolutely nothing is happening during the six-hour (or whatever it is) running time. It’s The Cap’n Jack Sparrow Show, for sure, which saves it from absolute suckage. Disney.com
24: Season 5 Easily the most thrilling season since the first, with the best villain the series has ever had: President Logan, a magnificent weasel of the highest order (face it, President Palmer was a snooze). Also more Chloe and more kills, not to mention a hijacked-to-China cliffhanger that’ll resolve … uh, how? FoxHome.com
More New DVD Releases (Dec. 5) Cheyenne: Season 1, The Dukes of Hazzard: Season 7, The Oh in Ohio, Pinky & the Brain: Vol. 2, Pulse, Rosanne: Season 6, Saturday Night Live: Season 1
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Jericho CBS’ apocalypse soap is on vacation until February, but the website is loaded with enough catch-up content (including all episodes streaming to present and a full-on Wiki section) to maybe justify jumping on the Jericho bandwagon next year. Missing: Lil’ Jon doing a “Skeet-Skeet-Skeet” parody.
Apollo, No Creed Last night's flashback-whiplash episode of Battlestar Galactica, "Unfinished Business," climaxing with a bloody boxing match between Starbuck and Apollo (dude, you got your ass handed to you by a girl) was, all together now: Frakking awesome! No Cyclons, no Baltar, no bullshit—just good ol' violence and backstory embellishment. Not to mention some Kara Trace buttcrack action. You know it's a good episode when the geeks on the BSG Forum are pissing and moaning about how the season is slipping into the abyss—suck it up, pinheads. And I'm sure everyone will be all nice and healed up by next week ...
Ay Yi Yi Not sure how many times I've woken up hungover and accidentally flipped to the local Univision channel, but it's always something called Muevete, a bizarro variety show with an apparently unlimited confetti budget and half-dressed Latinas galore ... oh yeah, that's why I "accidentally" land there. Today, however, it was a stage full of shirtless dudes in game of "Macho Chairs," where teen girls from the audience dance around the beefcake and then jump on one when the music stops. Spanish TV's Saturday-morning family programming is way better than what I had growing up, for sure. Now if only Muevete would lose this creepy ponytail guy in the Body Glove ...
Tina Slays NBC announced today that the other behind-the-scenes-at-a-Saturday-Night-Live-ish-series, 30 Rock, has been picked up for a full season. Why? Somebody actually saw it last night in NBC's big-ass comedy block, apparently. Great news, but I have questions: Why is 30 Rock funny one week (like last night) and painfully lame the next? How many more jokes about Tina Fey's clothes do we have to endure? What exactly does Jane Krakowski bring to the table besides a pair of tits? How can I even notice those with that freaky-plastic face above? If I mention the GE Trivection Oven here, will NBC give me one? Proud, like Peacork, baby!
What About Brain? As expected/hoped, CBS has canceled the craptastic House rip-off 3 Lbs. after (how coincidental) three weeks. Sure, they're calling it a "hiatus," just like a coma is an "extra-extra-long nap" in acerbic doctor talk. Since 3 Lbs., Smith and Love Monkey have all failed in the Tuesday 9 p.m. timeslot recently, CBS will now only run the cheap-o animated CSI Babies there. Throw Drunky From The View Don't judge Danny DeVito: If you had to appear on a Satanic hen-party like The View to plug a shitty paycheck movie like Deck the Halls, you'd probably want to be loaded, too. Watch before it gets yanked by the Internet police:
Use Your Delusion Pt. 284 Not really TV-related, but what the hell: The Eagles of Death Metal, probably one of the best live rock & roll bands featuring a lead moustache working today, were kicked off the current Guns N' Roses after one performance Friday night. Why? Because Axl Rose and the crowd of burnouts (who loved the other opener, The Man Who Ate Skid Row's Sebastian Bach) didn't quite "get" the Eagles' ironic champagne jams. From FMQB: "A lot of opening bands don't get a great reception from an audience that is ravenous for the headliner, but is that really a reason to kick them off the tour? Apparently to Axl Rose, it is. After making the crowd wait for two hours, Rose came onstage and dissed the Eagles, asking the audience, 'So how'd you like the Pigeons of Shit Metal? Don't worry, that's the last show they're playing with us.'" Oh, fuck you, Captain Cornrows ...
Flay Ray K-Fed thinks he's America's Most Hated? Think again, dumbfuck: It could be TV foodie Rachel Ray, who's inspired a website called Rachel Ray Sucks. Now, any idiot can start a website (ahem), but to get it featured in The Boston Globe? Damn: "Gathering by way of the blogging and social-networking site LiveJournal, this group has more than 1,000 members, who are quite active in posting their latest thoughts and observations about the various shortcomings, flaws, and disagreeable traits of Rachael Ray, the television food personality. 'This community,' the official explanation reads, 'was created for people that hate the untalented twit known as Rachael Ray.' The most important rule for those who wish to join: You must be anti-Rachael!" You've arrived, Ray-Ray!Nein! ABC has subtracted Six Degrees (woo-hoo!) and The Nine (oh, man) from its current schedules, which more or less means they're canceled. The network is blaming the viewer-slip from The Nine on the lack of Lost; I'm blaming the impending death of Six Degrees on the fact that it sucks complete ass.
Scrubs Thursday 11.30 (NBC) Season Premiere: It’s taken six years for Scrubs to land a regular spot on NBC Thursday—too bad the property’s been devalued from Must See to Maybe I’ll Download It From iTunes. But, the new two-hour lineup of My Name is Earl, The Office, Scrubs and 30 Rock is the strongest comedy block NBC has stacked since the Clinton era (with the hit-or-miss 30 Rock occupying the traditionally weak pre-ER slot), and not one of ‘em has a canned laugh track … yeah, let that sink in.
The Librarian 2: Return to King Solomon’s Mines Sunday 12.3 (TNT) In 2004’s not-bad The Librarian: Quest for the Spear, Noah Wyle (ER) starred as Carson Flynn, a brilliant academic who takes a job at a library that secretly houses fabled objects like the Holy Grail, Excalibur, Pandora’s Box, the next Guns N’ Roses album, et al. The gig required the geek to travel the world, Indiana Jones-style, and recover such items—with a gorgeous female adventurer who owns nothing but tank tops handling the rough stuff. This time around, Flynn is slightly more cocksure (uh oh) and his original tough-Girl Friday (Sonya Walger, perfect in Quest) has been replaced by a whiney archeologist (Gabrielle Anwar, barely registering). Even worse, half the movie is just them walking endlessly through National Geographic scenery. Consider this the Temple of Doom to Quest’s Raiders of the Lost Ark—Part 3 has to be better.
Big in 2006 Awards Sunday 12.3 (VH1) A pop-culture brain-drain trophy toss that at least acknowledges that Paris Hilton is a “celebutard” guilty of “crimes against intelligence” and less repugnant/more talented JonBenet “killer” Mark David Karr is a “daffy creep,” Big in 2006 is as utterly useless as, well, 95 percent of the rest of VH1’s schedule (still love ya, Best Week Ever—but please have Paul Scheer killed). I’ll only be tuning in to watch Fergie kick out her skanktacular new hit, “Daffy Creep” (“Daffy Creep/ He’s all up in my Jeep/ And he makes my Underoos go leaky-leak/ My Daffy-Daffy-Daffy Creep!”).
Billboard Music Awards 2006 Monday 12.4 (Fox) But make no mistake: Big in 2006 is the Nobel Laureates Pageant compared to this. Oh look, there’s Fergie again …
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Tuesday 12.5 (CBS) Surprisingly Fergie-free: This year’s musical guest is Justin Timberlake, whom, it’s been reported, is bringing sexy back—how fortuitous! This edition also marks Tyra Banks’ final clomp on the VS runway, as she’ll be devoting most of her time to recruiting a new generation of malnourished sticks and further lowering the IQ bar for daytime TV on America’s Next Top Model and Tyra, respectively. Secret Embrace push-up bra: $45. The collective joy of thousands of teen boys flogging the dolphin in their rooms at 9:45 p.m. Mountain Standard Time: Priceless.
The King of Queens Wednesday 12.6 (CBS) Season Premiere: I know, I know—I thought it was canceled, too.
Wicked Wicked Games, Watch Over Me Wednesday 12.6 (MyNetworkTV) Series Debuts: Now that Desire and Fashion House are dead (MyNetworkTV’s sole redeeming idea: planned obsolescence), here comes the next wave of gringo-ized telenovela sex romps—and they’re even worse! In Wicked Wicked Games (that’s double the wickedness), a woman dumped by her husband 20 years ago schemes to take over his powerful business … by having her two sons marry his two daughters. Huh? On Watch Over Me, it’s a love triangle between a powerful businessman (as they always are—can’t one of these guys ever just run a Little Caesar’s franchise?), his beautiful fiancée and the hunky bodyguard he hired to, yes, watch over her. Even better, this wholesome family fare is being cross-promoted with Wal-Mart, which is providing the wardrobe (!) for the series’ actresses. Guess it needs to rip off easily.
DVD
Bones: Season 1 The forensics procedural with a heart—and a brain and good looks. Bones strikes a balance between creepy-gruesome CSI-isms and tentative office romance (Bones & Booth are just Jim & Pam with better clothes), and David Boreanaz has effectively buried Angel. Sarah Michelle Geller, take note. FoxHome.com
Criminal Minds: Season 1 On the other end of the TV spectrum, the most idiotic (and inexplicably popular) new cop show since Numb3rs and whatever else CBS has coughed up lately. Mandy Patinkin’s Shatner-riffic acting aside, there’s little else on Criminal Minds remotely original or memorable. Oh, that’s why it’s a hit! Paramount.com
Joan of Arcadia: Season 2 Canceled by CBS three years ago, the story of a young woman who talks to God (or a reasonable facsimile) still inspires rabid fan chatter. Never suggest Joan jumped the shark in Season 2 by trying to become “deeper” than it probably should have, but try the snarkier/funnier version, Wonderfalls. Paramount.com
See No Evil A horror film produced by World Wrestling Entertainment (damn, I miss the Federation)? How could it possibly suck? Yeah, anyway: Kane stars, in the loosest sense, as an ax-wielding goon who dispatches teens in admittedly comic ways, but when does Chris “Y2J” Jericho get his shot, WWE? LionsGate.com
More New DVD Releases (11.28) Angel Rodriguez, The Ant Bully, Clerks II, Dane Cook: Vicious Circle, Flavor of Love: Season 2, Seventh Heaven: Season 3, St. Elsewhere: Season 1, Superman Returns, Touched by an Angel: Season 3
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Significant Others NBC/Universal never released the two brilliant Bravo seasons of Significant Others on DVD (indie Shout Factory did), but least they’ve posted a good number of scenes on the otherwise corporate-useless new DotComedy.com Website. Even two or three minutes are better than any relationship comedy (or drama) series produced since.
Malled to Death More "news" stories about pinheads lined-up (or camped-out, even) to fight off other pinheads for post-Thanksgiving "bargains"? Yeah, bring 'em on! This video from Monday's hysterical How I Met Your Mother (really, you should watch this show) is dedicated to all you Wal Mart Warriors who rolled up to the doors this morning when I was just going to bed, most likely drunk (me, but could apply to you, too). I'm sure it was totally worth it, Cletus ...
Panty Power? Why does NBC’s Heroes continue to kill in the ratings on Monday nights while Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip keeps on losing half that lead-out audience to crap like CSI: Miami and What About Brian? Sure, this week’s Studio 60 piled on the art-vs.-commerce sanctimony while delivering only slightly more real laughs than a Frontline special on quadripeligic poets, but it at least had some near-nekkid Harriet Hayes (Sarah Paulson) nonsense (teased heavily in NBC’s increasingly misleading promos for the show: “Come for the lofty exposition; stay for the topless blonde”). Maybe America just likes ‘em younger and peppier—less time on the field and more scenes in the cheerleaders’ locker rooms could probably do wonders for NBC’s other ratings dog, Friday Night Lights.
Yeeeaaah! Speaking of CSI: Miami, this David Caruso remix of dumbass opening lines from a stunning real number of episodes may or may not explain why CBS’ Baywatch-With-Blood-‘n’-Semen is the most popular show on the planet. Where’s the Rapture (no, not that cowbell-happy band) when you need it?CSI Miami - Endless Caruso One Liners
Re-Arrested If you don't get the G4 network or own the Seasons 1-3 DVD sets ... then what the fuck kind of Arrested Development fan are you? You still have a chance to watch the most-lamented dead TV series ever, thanks to some obscure company called Microsoft:"Redmond, Wash., Nov. 21: MSN announced that beginning today episodes of the Emmy award-winning comedy Arrested Development will be streamed on demand on MSN Video and at no cost to viewers. The first five episodes are available today at ArrestedDevelopment.msn.com and, starting Dec. 15, three new episodes will be added every three weeks. All 53 episodes from the three seasons of the show will be rolled out within the next year."And about Gob's new movie, Let's Go to Prison? There must be an Arrested curse. Just ask Jeffrey Tambor.
