True TV's Xmas Cop-Out, Uh, Xtra!

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Jesus Crispies

Preachin' Punk Wednesday Dec. 13 on the Sundance Channel, One Punk Under God (that punk being Jay Bakker, son of fallen televangelists Jim & Tammy Faye) debuts. This is notable because it's the first time I've ever been remotely interested in anything on the Sundance Channel. The six-part reality-doc follows Jay's relocation of his alternative congregation, the Revolution Church, from Atlanta to Brooklyn; his sermons are held in bars for crowds of fellow tattooed rockers: "Praise the Lord, tip your bartenders." Check out the promo and tell me this ain't David Cross ...

Merry Frakkmas

The Office Thursday 12.14 (NBC) One-Hour Christmas Episode: What? You say The Only TV Column That Matters™ writes too much about The Office? Well, merry damn Christmas to you, too! Do I come to your job and slap the Nutcracker out of your mouth? Anyway, on tonight’s Office Christmas party—which may or may not top last year’s glorious, vodka-soaked “Yankee Swap” episode—Michael finally gets dumped by Carol and goes boozing at Benihana with Stamford Andy (look out, Dwight), while Angela, Pam and Jim’s new girl Karen (oh, quit hissing) are locked in a holly-jolly smackdown of rival festivity planning. And no, Jim and Pam aren’t getting back together … or are they? Sorry, written too much about The Office …

Battlestar Galactica Friday 12.15 (Sci-Fi) Fall Finale: Despite the ratings dip and the shark-jump calibrations that disaffected geeks are angrily typing away on the Internet with their Cheetos-caked stubs, the third season thus far of Battlestar Galactica has arguably been the best yet—and we’re only 10 episodes in. In this last new installment till January, Team Galactica happens upon the Temple of Five on the algae planet, legendarily told to hold the Eye of Jupiter, a cosmic OnStar guide to Earth. The Cylons are coming for it; Commander Adama says he’ll blow the planet up real good if they make a move; Sam tells Apollo that Starbuck is a psycho ‘ho, but she’s his psycho ‘ho; Grace learns her Cylon baby is still alive … hmm, maybe this is turning into a space telenovela. I’ll reconsider your thesis, FrakkHead632.

Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Paranormal Project Sunday 12.17 (VH1) Season Finales: Further proof that VH1 can drag two seasons out of anything, Danny Bonaduce’s train-wreck tour concludes its second run with the Red Menace turning to the only cable subscriber he hasn’t annoyed with his myriad problems, Jesus. (What, you thought the Prince of Peace was a dish guy?) On Celebrity Paranormal Project, Debra Wilson, Evander Holyfield, Julio Iglesias Jr., Wee Man and Nikki Ziering … OK, we seriously need to reclaim the definition of “celebrity.” Take back the night!

Dexter Sunday 12.17 (Showtime) Season Finale: The Ice Truck Killer has kidnapped Dex’s whiny sister—for some reason, he wants to get her back. Alive, even. Showtime’s lovable serial murderer (Dexter only kills bad, bad people; pirating Showtime probably doesn’t count) has become the network’s most left-field hero since Weeds’ pot-dealing mom, which means their next original series will likely be about a jovial realtor/cannibal (casting call: Jim Gaffigan) who targets only Republicans and steroid-juiced former child actors. Until then, Michael C. Hall’s Dexter is the coolest cat on TV.

Identity Monday 12.18 (NBC) Series Debut: A game show hosted by Penn Jillette—after Shatner, it was only a matter of time. Compared to recent pinhead play-along fare like Deal or No Deal and Show Me the Money (I still have no idea how 1 vs. 100 works, nor do I give the eensiest rat’s ass), Identity is relative rocket science: Contestant tries to guess the professions of 12 strangers and win piles of money for each correct answer, all under the psychological duress of ominous time-padding music and Jillette’s ominous-er chin weed.

A Perfect Day Monday 12.18 (TNT) An author (Rob Lowe) writes a mega-bestseller about the importance of family, then proceeds to bask in fame and neglect his wife (Paget Brewster), kid and agent—that’s right, agent! Is nothing sacred? Naturally, there’s a TV-movie Dickens twist (ouch) when Christopher Lloyd appears to show him The Error of His Ways, just in time for Christmas and turtlenecks. Based on Richard Paul Evans’ book of the same name, the only real surprise here is that Richard Paul Evans wrote a book besides The Christmas Box. I mean … heart-warm-ing!

DVD
Black Christmas The 1974 Canadian slasher classic is back! A young (and sane) Margo Kidder stars as one of several sorority sisters being stalked by a mysterious killer over Christmas break; the movie’s twists and scares are on-par with critical genre-definer Halloween, which arrived four years later. ItsMeBilly.com

The Devil Wears Prada Anne Hathaway and her bangs carried the promos, but The Devil Wears Prada is Meryl Streep’s movie all the way—and a few crumbs for Stanley Tucci. The fizzy fashion comedy celebrates the runway world rather than pissing on it, which is what separates it from, say, Ugly Betty. FoxHome.com

Stacked: The Complete Series It wasn’t hailed as one of the great Fox sitcoms a couple of years ago, but in the wake of ‘Til Death and Happy Hour, Stacked looks damned funny in retrospect. Taste in men aside, Pamela Anderson is smarter and savvier then she’ll ever get credit for; Stacked and VIP are the proof. FoxHome.com

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Anchorman does NASCAR? Shoulda been a classic, but Talladega Nights’ true laughs are outnumbered by (admittedly killer) track-action shots and WTF? moments that probably seemed like genius during filming. Still, Will Ferrell’s too good at this stuff to make a completely worthless flick. SonyPictures.com

More New DVD Releases (12.12) Full House: Season 5, Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Season 2, Material Girls, World Trade Center, The Year Without a Santa Claus (2006)

BROADBAND
That Girl Marlo Thomas’ ABC sitcom predated the influential Mary Tyler Moore Show by four years—without Marlo, maybe no Mary. Thomas’ saucer eyes and sparkling comic delivery carried That Girl’s entire 1966-71 run, especially charming in the initial episodes online now. Oh, Donald!

Classical Ass

My Bare Lady Thursday, Dec. 7 (Fox Reality) Series Debut: The rerun-riffic Fox Reality cable channel (go ahead, try to find it in your listings) hasn’t been much of a contender in the original series arena—unless you count the misadventures of a pair of vineyard-buyin’ millionaires in Corkscrewed: The Wrath of Grapes … which, let’s hope, no one does. But now, get ready for My Bare Lady! Adult-film actresses Chanel St. James, Kirsten Price, Sasha Knox and Nautica Thorne (all tops in the field—I’ve researched their work, extensively) fly across the Atlantic for three weeks of proper theatre—that’s “re”—training before debuting on London’s West End in a classical drama. Can the porn queens prove themselves as real thespians? How many thespian/lesbian jokes can be squeezed into an episode? Is there a money shot in Medea? Will Falstaff need a fluffer? Can the ladies rise from creampies to the crème de le crème? Could I gone on and on like this? Yes, but I’ll need an hour or two turnaround.

The Wire Sunday, Dec. 10 (HBO) Season Finale: First Heroes (off till January), now The Wire (back for Season 5 in late 2007)? What are TV critics going to have to talk and giggle about amongst themselves for the rest of the month? How about …

Sleeper Cell: American Terror Sunday, Dec. 10-Sunday, Dec. 17 (Showtime) Miniseries: As if domestic criminals weren’t enough to worry about, Showtime’s miniseries about Islamic terror cells in Los Angeles is back—and with Jack Bauer currently on a slow boat to China, no less! Chloe!

The Lost Room Monday, Dec. 11-Wednesday, Dec. 13 (Sci-Fi) Miniseries: Doesn’t get much more high-concept than this: A cop (Six Feet Under’s Peter Krause) comes into possession of the key to a motel room along Route 66 in New Mexico—a supernatural motel room full of powerful objects, like a comb that can bend time and an electricity-shooting pen, if not a decent air conditioner (yeah, all motels are the same). When his daughter (Elle Fanning) suddenly disappears within, he realizes Room 10 of the Sunshine Motel is the center of unearthly power—also because a mysterious woman (Julianna Margulies) tells him so, and mysterious women are always right in science fiction. Naturally, all kinds of nefarious figures are out to collect the objects to Control the World, and now Cop and Mysterious Woman are in the thick of it. The Lost Room is on the dazzling, high end of the Sci-Fi quality scale—more The Triangle and Taken than FrankenFish and DinoCroc—so expect much talk of it becoming a series but never panning out.

Nip/Tuck Tuesday, Nov. 12 (FX) Season Finale: Not only did Nip/Tuck finally jump the shark this year, it gave it a sex change and a new nose before bending it over a gurney and having its way while crying “Mommy!” Seriously, this season would have been effdup even without naked Rosie O’Donnell (eww), the lobster baby (sheesh), Larry Hagman’s sag-sack (yikes), the dwarf nanny (zoinks), lesbian Alanis Morissette (oh, sure), the nipple-eating dog (ouch), the kidney thieves (damn) and Scientology (that’s just going too far). In the season closer, tattooed mofo Escobar Gallardo is back again, and Christian’s “love” life is in jeopardy … again. Ah, at least some things never change.

DVD
Beerfest The Broken Lizard crew (Super Troopers and other lesser movies that make you want to keep referencing Super Troopers) takes on the most sacred of all subjects: Beer, and the voluminous guzzling of same—oh, and boobs. There’s also a “story” involving a competition, if you’re into that. WarnerBros.com

Miami Vice Other than Collin Farrell’s mullet, not much ‘80s action going on here—they didn’t even bring back the Jan Hammer theme! Still, the modern Miami Vice remake is a passable action-cop drama with more plot than required for the multiplex, hence a more satisfying ride on DVD. But why so serious? NBCUniversalStore.com

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest A stunning feat of trilogy filler between original and finale, Dead Man’s Chest at least seems like it’s going somewhere even though absolutely nothing is happening during the six-hour (or whatever it is) running time. It’s The Cap’n Jack Sparrow Show, for sure, which saves it from absolute suckage. Disney.com

24: Season 5 Easily the most thrilling season since the first, with the best villain the series has ever had: President Logan, a magnificent weasel of the highest order (face it, President Palmer was a snooze). Also more Chloe and more kills, not to mention a hijacked-to-China cliffhanger that’ll resolve … uh, how? FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (Dec. 5) Cheyenne: Season 1, The Dukes of Hazzard: Season 7, The Oh in Ohio, Pinky & the Brain: Vol. 2, Pulse, Rosanne: Season 6, Saturday Night Live: Season 1

BROADBAND
Jericho CBS’ apocalypse soap is on vacation until February, but the website is loaded with enough catch-up content (including all episodes streaming to present and a full-on Wiki section) to maybe justify jumping on the Jericho bandwagon next year. Missing: Lil’ Jon doing a “Skeet-Skeet-Skeet” parody.

Smackdown Galactica

Apollo, No Creed Last night's flashback-whiplash episode of Battlestar Galactica, "Unfinished Business," climaxing with a bloody boxing match between Starbuck and Apollo (dude, you got your ass handed to you by a girl) was, all together now: Frakking awesome! No Cyclons, no Baltar, no bullshit—just good ol' violence and backstory embellishment. Not to mention some Kara Trace buttcrack action. You know it's a good episode when the geeks on the BSG Forum are pissing and moaning about how the season is slipping into the abyss—suck it up, pinheads. And I'm sure everyone will be all nice and healed up by next week ...

Ay Yi Yi Not sure how many times I've woken up hungover and accidentally flipped to the local Univision channel, but it's always something called Muevete, a bizarro variety show with an apparently unlimited confetti budget and half-dressed Latinas galore ... oh yeah, that's why I "accidentally" land there. Today, however, it was a stage full of shirtless dudes in game of "Macho Chairs," where teen girls from the audience dance around the beefcake and then jump on one when the music stops. Spanish TV's Saturday-morning family programming is way better than what I had growing up, for sure. Now if only Muevete would lose this creepy ponytail guy in the Body Glove ...

But Will The Real SNL Still Suck?

Tina Slays NBC announced today that the other behind-the-scenes-at-a-Saturday-Night-Live-ish-series, 30 Rock, has been picked up for a full season. Why? Somebody actually saw it last night in NBC's big-ass comedy block, apparently. Great news, but I have questions: Why is 30 Rock funny one week (like last night) and painfully lame the next? How many more jokes about Tina Fey's clothes do we have to endure? What exactly does Jane Krakowski bring to the table besides a pair of tits? How can I even notice those with that freaky-plastic face above? If I mention the GE Trivection Oven here, will NBC give me one? Proud, like Peacork, baby!

Brain Salad Surgery

What About Brain? As expected/hoped, CBS has canceled the craptastic House rip-off 3 Lbs. after (how coincidental) three weeks. Sure, they're calling it a "hiatus," just like a coma is an "extra-extra-long nap" in acerbic doctor talk. Since 3 Lbs., Smith and Love Monkey have all failed in the Tuesday 9 p.m. timeslot recently, CBS will now only run the cheap-o animated CSI Babies there.

Throw Drunky From The View Don't judge Danny DeVito: If you had to appear on a Satanic hen-party like The View to plug a shitty paycheck movie like Deck the Halls, you'd probably want to be loaded, too. Watch before it gets yanked by the Internet police:

Axl Rose: Assclown

Use Your Delusion Pt. 284 Not really TV-related, but what the hell: The Eagles of Death Metal, probably one of the best live rock & roll bands featuring a lead moustache working today, were kicked off the current Guns N' Roses after one performance Friday night. Why? Because Axl Rose and the crowd of burnouts (who loved the other opener, The Man Who Ate Skid Row's Sebastian Bach) didn't quite "get" the Eagles' ironic champagne jams. From FMQB: "A lot of opening bands don't get a great reception from an audience that is ravenous for the headliner, but is that really a reason to kick them off the tour? Apparently to Axl Rose, it is. After making the crowd wait for two hours, Rose came onstage and dissed the Eagles, asking the audience, 'So how'd you like the Pigeons of Shit Metal? Don't worry, that's the last show they're playing with us.'" Oh, fuck you, Captain Cornrows ...

My Life With The Kill Rachel Cult

Flay Ray K-Fed thinks he's America's Most Hated? Think again, dumbfuck: It could be TV foodie Rachel Ray, who's inspired a website called Rachel Ray Sucks. Now, any idiot can start a website (ahem), but to get it featured in The Boston Globe? Damn: "Gathering by way of the blogging and social-networking site LiveJournal, this group has more than 1,000 members, who are quite active in posting their latest thoughts and observations about the various shortcomings, flaws, and disagreeable traits of Rachael Ray, the television food personality. 'This community,' the official explanation reads, 'was created for people that hate the untalented twit known as Rachael Ray.' The most important rule for those who wish to join: You must be anti-Rachael!" You've arrived, Ray-Ray!

Nein! ABC has subtracted Six Degrees (woo-hoo!) and The Nine (oh, man) from its current schedules, which more or less means they're canceled. The network is blaming the viewer-slip from The Nine on the lack of Lost; I'm blaming the impending death of Six Degrees on the fact that it sucks complete ass.

Bringing Back Sexy ... Back

Scrubs Thursday 11.30 (NBC) Season Premiere: It’s taken six years for Scrubs to land a regular spot on NBC Thursday—too bad the property’s been devalued from Must See to Maybe I’ll Download It From iTunes. But, the new two-hour lineup of My Name is Earl, The Office, Scrubs and 30 Rock is the strongest comedy block NBC has stacked since the Clinton era (with the hit-or-miss 30 Rock occupying the traditionally weak pre-ER slot), and not one of ‘em has a canned laugh track … yeah, let that sink in.

The Librarian 2: Return to King Solomon’s Mines Sunday 12.3 (TNT) In 2004’s not-bad The Librarian: Quest for the Spear, Noah Wyle (ER) starred as Carson Flynn, a brilliant academic who takes a job at a library that secretly houses fabled objects like the Holy Grail, Excalibur, Pandora’s Box, the next Guns N’ Roses album, et al. The gig required the geek to travel the world, Indiana Jones-style, and recover such items—with a gorgeous female adventurer who owns nothing but tank tops handling the rough stuff. This time around, Flynn is slightly more cocksure (uh oh) and his original tough-Girl Friday (Sonya Walger, perfect in Quest) has been replaced by a whiney archeologist (Gabrielle Anwar, barely registering). Even worse, half the movie is just them walking endlessly through National Geographic scenery. Consider this the Temple of Doom to Quest’s Raiders of the Lost Ark—Part 3 has to be better.

Big in 2006 Awards Sunday 12.3 (VH1) A pop-culture brain-drain trophy toss that at least acknowledges that Paris Hilton is a “celebutard” guilty of “crimes against intelligence” and less repugnant/more talented JonBenet “killer” Mark David Karr is a “daffy creep,” Big in 2006 is as utterly useless as, well, 95 percent of the rest of VH1’s schedule (still love ya, Best Week Ever—but please have Paul Scheer killed). I’ll only be tuning in to watch Fergie kick out her skanktacular new hit, “Daffy Creep” (“Daffy Creep/ He’s all up in my Jeep/ And he makes my Underoos go leaky-leak/ My Daffy-Daffy-Daffy Creep!”).

Billboard Music Awards 2006 Monday 12.4 (Fox) But make no mistake: Big in 2006 is the Nobel Laureates Pageant compared to this. Oh look, there’s Fergie again …

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Tuesday 12.5 (CBS) Surprisingly Fergie-free: This year’s musical guest is Justin Timberlake, whom, it’s been reported, is bringing sexy back—how fortuitous! This edition also marks Tyra Banks’ final clomp on the VS runway, as she’ll be devoting most of her time to recruiting a new generation of malnourished sticks and further lowering the IQ bar for daytime TV on America’s Next Top Model and Tyra, respectively. Secret Embrace push-up bra: $45. The collective joy of thousands of teen boys flogging the dolphin in their rooms at 9:45 p.m. Mountain Standard Time: Priceless.

The King of Queens Wednesday 12.6 (CBS) Season Premiere: I know, I know—I thought it was canceled, too.

Wicked Wicked Games, Watch Over Me Wednesday 12.6 (MyNetworkTV) Series Debuts: Now that Desire and Fashion House are dead (MyNetworkTV’s sole redeeming idea: planned obsolescence), here comes the next wave of gringo-ized telenovela sex romps—and they’re even worse! In Wicked Wicked Games (that’s double the wickedness), a woman dumped by her husband 20 years ago schemes to take over his powerful business … by having her two sons marry his two daughters. Huh? On Watch Over Me, it’s a love triangle between a powerful businessman (as they always are—can’t one of these guys ever just run a Little Caesar’s franchise?), his beautiful fiancée and the hunky bodyguard he hired to, yes, watch over her. Even better, this wholesome family fare is being cross-promoted with Wal-Mart, which is providing the wardrobe (!) for the series’ actresses. Guess it needs to rip off easily.

DVD
Bones: Season 1 The forensics procedural with a heart—and a brain and good looks. Bones strikes a balance between creepy-gruesome CSI-isms and tentative office romance (Bones & Booth are just Jim & Pam with better clothes), and David Boreanaz has effectively buried Angel. Sarah Michelle Geller, take note. FoxHome.com

Criminal Minds: Season 1 On the other end of the TV spectrum, the most idiotic (and inexplicably popular) new cop show since Numb3rs and whatever else CBS has coughed up lately. Mandy Patinkin’s Shatner-riffic acting aside, there’s little else on Criminal Minds remotely original or memorable. Oh, that’s why it’s a hit! Paramount.com

Joan of Arcadia: Season 2 Canceled by CBS three years ago, the story of a young woman who talks to God (or a reasonable facsimile) still inspires rabid fan chatter. Never suggest Joan jumped the shark in Season 2 by trying to become “deeper” than it probably should have, but try the snarkier/funnier version, Wonderfalls. Paramount.com

See No Evil A horror film produced by World Wrestling Entertainment (damn, I miss the Federation)? How could it possibly suck? Yeah, anyway: Kane stars, in the loosest sense, as an ax-wielding goon who dispatches teens in admittedly comic ways, but when does Chris “Y2J” Jericho get his shot, WWE? LionsGate.com

More New DVD Releases (11.28) Angel Rodriguez, The Ant Bully, Clerks II, Dane Cook: Vicious Circle, Flavor of Love: Season 2, Seventh Heaven: Season 3, St. Elsewhere: Season 1, Superman Returns, Touched by an Angel: Season 3

BROADBAND
Significant Others NBC/Universal never released the two brilliant Bravo seasons of Significant Others on DVD (indie Shout Factory did), but least they’ve posted a good number of scenes on the otherwise corporate-useless new DotComedy.com Website. Even two or three minutes are better than any relationship comedy (or drama) series produced since.