Minimum P.I.

Andy Barker P.I. Thursday 3.15 (NBC) Series Debut: Remember Andy Richter Controls the Universe, a funny-as-hell 2004 Fox sitcom that was unceremoniously canceled for being funny as hell? Or Quintuplets, a lousy-as-hell Fox sitcom that met with the same fate in 2005? Good news: Andy Richter’s latest is neither too funny nor too lousy—and it’s not even on Fox! Andy Barker P.I., starring Richter as a bored strip-mall accountant who stumbles into a more exciting career as a private eye (could have been pitched as “The Rockford Files meets The Office”), plays it safe in comparison to its Thursday-night NBC neighbors, going for endearing over edgy (even Arrested Development’s Tony “Buster” Hale takes it down a notch or 12 here) at a leisurely comic pace. It’s solid, but you won’t lacerate yourself laughing at it, unlike, say …

Raines Thursday 3.15 (NBC) Series Debut: Jeff Goldblum is a Los Angeles detective who sees and converses with dead crime victims (could have been pitched as “The Rockford Files meets Medium”). Once more: Jeff Goldblum is a detective; never mind the corpse hallucinations—that’s comedy! Naturally, his unorthodox ways piss off his Exasperated Captain to no end and keep his Hot Therapist (Madeline Stowe—where’s she been?) intrigued. Goldblum’s Michael Raines is also crazy(er) about ‘40s cop noir, thus giving the show an oldies hue that would make it a passable partner for Monk on cable. Since NBC is moving/dooming Raines to the Friday-night dead zone after its debut, maybe that’s the plan.

October Road Thursday 3.15 (ABC) Series Debut: Big-city writer moves back to his small Northeastern hometown after 10 years away to get back in touch with his roots or some such bullshit … do we really need another one of these? Apparently, yes. Dead parent? Check. Ex-girlfriend who still carries a torch and may have had his son? Ditto. Quirky old friends who haven’t changed a bit? You betcha. Mental laundry basket full of regrets to assuage and loose ends to tie up? Oh, what the fuck do you think?! Welcome to What About Brian’s Garden State.

The Showbiz Show With David Spade Thursday 3.15 (Comedy Central) Season Premiere: There are still some of us who aren’t so over David Spade’s snarkier-than-thou shtick—I know; I can hardly believe it, either. Sure, his sitcom work always comes across like a rabid ferret trapped in a bunny cage (see Just Shoot Me, 8 Simple Rules and the current Rules of Engagement), but Spade is in his element mocking Hollywood, hosting The Showbiz Show with the borderline-hostile disinterest of a guy who’d much rather be at the strip club (The Only TV Column That Matters™ can relate—but maybe they have Wi-Fi there). Now if only there were something ridiculous going on in showbiz right now …

Dancing With the Stars Monday 3.19 (ABC) Season Premiere: I said ridiculous, not sad and ‘tarded.

Rules of Engagement Monday 3.19 (CBS) Season Finale: Didn’t I predict this would die a quick and unnoticed death last month? Mark this—it’s one of those rare occasions where I was (!) wrong. Not that Rules of Engagement doesn’t still suck; it just caught on strangely better than other sitcoms of equal suckatude. It’s all Patrick Warburton—he’s carrying this dead, rotting llama all alone on his hulking shoulders and lush eyebrows (Peter Gallagher of The O.C., you’ve been replaced). The Artist Formerly Known as Puddy kills with the delivery of a single line; my personal favorite (to co-star David Spade): “Aren’t you due back in Paris Hilton’s handbag?” Yeah, I could stand another round of this, CBS.

DVD
Casino Royale James Bond goes all Batman Begins with a dark, gritty prequel that renders almost half of the original 007 flicks flaccid and useless. Daniel Craig is a bad-ass new Bond who takes care of business (even if the plot is slightly simplistic) without the gear and the license to kill—yes, really. SonyPictures.com

The Holiday If you pair one of the worst actresses ever (Cameron Diaz) with one of the best (Kate Winslet), does it balance out? Hard to tell if you’ve already gouged you eyes out, which is the only logical reaction to this craptastic romantic comedy if your I.Q. cracks the 3-digit mark. If not, enjoy. SonyPictures.com

The Pretender 2001/Island of the Haunted While 2001 wrapped The Pretender (one of the great unsung action-dramas of the ‘90s) nicely post-cancellation, Island of the Haunted was a needless mess on par with The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island. Still, any Miss Parker is better than no Miss Parker. FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (3.13) Bosom Buddies: Season 1, Lovewrecked, Shortbus, TTW: Topless Tapioca Wrestling, Without a Trace: Season 2

BROADBAND
The Office Jonesing for The Office while it’s in reruns? Hey, who isn’t? NBC.com has enough outtakes and Web exclusives to almost piece together an extra season, as well as interviews with the regulars (including Andy and Karen—oh, quit hatin’) and, currently, recent guest director Joss Whedon. The best, however, has to be actress/writer Mindy Kaling (Kelly) stepping out of hyper-annoying mode, if not Jenna Fischer artfully side-stepping the Big Pam/Jim Question.

Andy & Buster

Richter Scale After crashing and burning with Andy Richter Controls the Universe and Quintuplests, Andy Richter returns a week from tonight with Andy Barker P.I., and he's bringing Arrested Development's Tony "Buster" Hale with him. The show's not quite as wacky as this promo makes it out to be, but it ain't bad, either. More to come ...

Thick as a Beck

You Mean This Isn't Fox News? CNN Headline's Glenn Beck interviewing Us Weekly's Dina Sansing about sexy photos on the Internet and ... oh, you'll see:



And then there's that wacky Keith Olbermann on MSNBC:

Get Rich

Las Vegas Friday 3.9 (NBC) Season Finale: Yes, already—the season only began in October! And that’s not all of the NBC cost-cutting going down on their only Friday-night hit: Las Vegas has been renewed through the 2007-08 season … but without star James Caan and increasingly-background eye candy Nikki Cox. Caan’s decision was entirely his own; he wants to get back to film work, and also has hinted that he thinks Las Vegas is dumber than a box of Keno cards (yeah … and?). On the other hand, Nikki Cox has just been flat-out canned, proving that C cups and D-minus acting (or is it the other way around?) will only carry you so far. Let’s get on with making Vegas even stoopider—and don’t even think of booting Vanessa Marcil, NBC …

Earthstorm Saturday 3.10 (Sci Fi) An asteroid crashes into the moon, thus nudging the moon closer to earth, screwing with the tides and pelting the planet with lunar junk, and only Stephen Baldwin (one of the less-greasy Baldwins) and Dirk Benedict (old-school Battlestar Galactica Starbuck) can stop it … or something. As Saturday-night B-movies on the Sci-Fi Channel go, Earthstorm is, well, one of ‘em—but why are exotic dancers working for Canadian Actors Guild scale always cast as scientists and TV reporters? If “Anna Silk” and “Heather Chase” aren’t stripper names, I’ll eat a pasty. Or two.

Blood Ties Sunday 3.11 (Lifetime) Series Debut: And if James Caan thinks Las Vegas is ridiculous, he should get a load of Blood Ties, Lifetime’s ambitiously daffy combo cop drama/vampire romance/sci-fi thriller—and allow me to drive the preemptive stake into the first TV critic to try and coin Law & Order: Special Vampires Unit. Private dick Vicki Nelson joins forces with a hunky 450-year-old bloodsucker to solve supernatural crimes, only to fall in lust with him; now, she’s torn between Drac Lite and her equally hunky former cop partner/lover … sensing a pattern here with Vicki? Girl’s got some workplace issues …

The New Adventures of Old Christine Monday 3.12 (CBS) Series Return: While NBC is (quite successfully) reinventing the sitcom-block on Thursdays with laugh-track-free darkhorses, CBS is staying the course with Monday comedies so traditional they could slip into TV Land virtually unnoticed—and yet they still work. Nothing ever really happens on Julia Louis Dreyfus’ Old Christine; she’s just a lovable single-mom effup with an astonishing gift for finding new ways to effup every week (newest episode: would you believe, sleep-dialing?). But, like CBS huh? hit Two & a Half Men—the dirtiest show on network TV now that Will & Grace is gone, just ask the Parents Television Council—The New Adventures of Old Christine is more clever than it looks.

The Riches Monday 3.12 (FX) Series Debut: Contrary to the dryly witty Eddie Izzard promos from FX, The Riches is not a comedy. Sure, it has its funny moments (see: master comic Eddie Izzard), but this story of a desperate family of modern gypsies living one step ahead of the law and under the thumb of an oppressive underground society is gray drama of the HBO variety: No right, no wrong, just survival. Izzard, Minnie Driver (who plays his just-paroled cough-syrup-junkie wife) and their three kids live on the lam in the Deep South, scamming as they can—until a highway accident that kills a rich couple (conveniently named the Riches) presents the ultimate identity theft. They move into the Riches’ new home, befriend their new neighbors, join the local country club and quickly become (somewhat) comfortable in their stolen American Dream. Problem is, before they bought in, “the Riches” stole a stash of cash from the gypsy society’s “extended-family bank” and now the hillbillies are on the hunt. Even though their Southern accents drift in and out, Izzard is the perfect con-man charmer and Driver is a convincing spitfire mess; The Riches should easily win back some of that dramatic cred FX inadvertently pissed away on Dirt. Not that Dirt isn’t fun, just sayin’ …

DVD
Borat Now, those who didn’t walk blindly into a theater last fall for the shock of a lifetime (or at least lunchtime) can now blindly rent it because “Oh, that looks fun.” Ah, America. The actual comedy of Borat was slightly oversold, but not the visceral cultural impact and genius of Sacha Baron Cohen. FoxHome.com

Fast Food Nation Newsflash: Big business couldn’t give a rat’s ass about you—but it will sell you one on a sesame-seed bun. Fast Food Nation doesn’t quite work as the Super Size Me/Thank You for Smoking combo that Richard Linklater probably shot for, but the performances (particularly Greg Kinnear’s) rock. FoxHome.com

The Loop: Season 1 All seven episodes of the sitcom no one watched on Fox last year; even stranger, it’s coming back this summer. As here-today-gone-later-today Fox sitcoms go, The Loop had promise: 20-something airline exec graduates slackerdom; friends don’t, hilarity rushes by. But Happy Hour was better. FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (3.6) Brush With Death, Hawaii Five-O: Season 1, Kettle of Fish, Let’s Go to Prison, Moonlighting: Season 5, Nadine in Dateland, Northern Exposure: Season 6, Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Season 1, South Park: Season 9, Stargate Atlantis: Season 2, Walkout

BROADBAND
That’s My Daughter Believe it or not, there are shows even Comedy Central deems too weird (or at least too short) to air—they end up in ComedyCentral.com’s Motherlode video dump. That’s My Daughter, a Los Angeles comedy troupe with an affinity for porn mustaches and the worst of ‘80s cheese, have posted a musical trilogy of shorts espousing the joys and dangers of Patrick Swayze, tight white jeans and the possibility of “going gay.” Funny? Cautionary? You decide.

Posh Spite

Bend It Like ... Oh, Who Cares? NBC has announced a summer reality show based on the second-least-interesting person on the face of the planet, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham (the first would be husband David Beckham). On the upside, this could be a signal that TV weasels have finally run out of "celebrities" to follow around with cameras and pray they fuck up (never count VH1 out, though). On the downside, well, read this from NBC:

"The series will give viewers a glimpse into what makes Victoria so popular and admired as one of the most glamorous women in the world," said NBC Entertainment President Kevin Reilly. "She makes news wherever she goes and our audience can now become insiders in this fascinating personal view of what being 'Posh' truly represents."

Christ, and to think I liked this guy for keeping The Office on the air. And there's more:

Said Victoria Beckham, "I am so excited to be making this show for NBC with [American Idol eee-vil mastermind] Simon Fuller. He has so much success around the world with his TV shows and the respect and trust of everybody he works with. This show is really something different, it's pushing the boundaries and I think it's going to surprise a lot of people."

Only if the eventual title for the show is Posh Spice Really CAN Wipe Her Own Ass, Vickie.

Sick, Wrong ... and Back!

Dead Sitcom Walking After a few weeks off, ABC's In Case of Emergency returns tonight, in the pre-Lost pole position. This would usually be good news, but since Lost has been (ahem) losing viewers by the millions in its new/later timeslot, it ain't going to bring a whole lotta new eyes to In Case of Emergency. Too bad, because ICE is one of the few comic surprises of the midseason, and it's all kinds of sick and wrong—in an almost It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia sort of way, at least as much as you can get away with on network TV. Observe this clip from the premiere episode, then check out the latest (wherein Jonathan Silverman gets, er, serviced by Jane Seymour—oh, Dr. Quinn!) tonight. Logic says the show won't be on for much longer ...

Dirt-y Gallo

Best. Casting. Ever. Tonight on Dirt (FX), Vincent Gallo guests as a former child star who goes batshit and takes the offices of tabloid mag DirtNow hostage. Great news for those of us who prefer Crazy Vinny (think Buffalo 66) over Morose Vinny (The Brown Bunny ... but at least somebody got something out of it, eh Vince?); Dirt is best when it's ridiculous, and it probably can't get any more ridiculous than this. Putting that out there as a dare, by the way, Courteney Cox ...

Winner & Losers

The Winner Sunday 3.4 (Fox) Series Debut: Rob Corddry (The Daily Show) is a 32-year-old video-store clerk who still lives with his parents and tells his 14-year-old pal (!) things like “I am not looking forward to doing your mom.” He’s also going get rich and win back his high-school sweetheart, or something—the story’s not important; the setup is. Unlike Fox’s recent attempts at multi-camera-with-audience sitcoms, The Winner is almost weird enough to work as well as actual funny Fox-coms from yesteryear (that would be the ‘90s, kids). The premiere episode is also loaded with enough sex jokes (including the mid-season’s second happy-ending Korean massage) to raise hackles at the ever-righteous Parents Television Council, which is more than enough reason to hang in for the show’s mere three-week run.

Dice Undisputed Sunday 3.4 (VH1) Series Debut: VH1’s work of rehabbing believed-dead celebrities is never done, hence a reality show based on Andrew Dice Clay, the comedian who’s been “banned for life” from MTV since 1989 (lucky him) and is supposedly unemployed and/or retired (not true—he’s still making bank in Las Vegas, but you can’t sell a “comeback” show with that). Now, Dice has book, an album and a Sirius radio show in the works, and no way in hell he can do it all without a camera crew and a colorful posse of morons dogging his every move. Thanks, Danny Bonaduce—thank you very fucking much.

The Class Monday 3.5 (CBS) Season Finale: No series has been screaming “I’ve changed! Really! Please love me now! Pleeeaaase!” louder than The Class, which began the season as a high-concept (OK, mid-concept) comedy about rarely-intersecting groups of characters, only to be hastily remodeled into Friends … with a few parts left over (where’d the news lady and her gay husband go?). Surprisingly, it’s still funny and holds together well—too bad more people are watching CBS’ craptastic Rules of Engagement. Don’t expect The Class to return, or hack TV critics to refrain from typing “Class dismissed!”

The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Tuesday 3.6 (The CW) Series Debut: Technically, the title is The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll. Also, this is technically the absolute last thing The Only TV Column That Matters™ is going to say about The CW until the network kicks this skankfest to the curb and brings back Veronica Mars. Synchronize watches, and … go!

The Wedding Bells Wednesday 3.7 (Fox) Series Debut: The three Bell sisters inherit a wedding planning business after, how ironical, their parents divorce—no, it’s not a reality show, but there are still Bridezillas galore. Remember ABC’s wedding-happy Big Day? No? It was only a month ago! Anyway, The Wedding Bells is more of the same romantic-comedy fluff, with a dash of that Fox “edge” and the bonus cred of an actual Movie Star (Meet the Parents/Fockers’ Teri Polo) in the cast and one-time power producer David E. Kelley’s name in the credits. After tonight, it’s also moving to Fridays, where no one will ever see it again.

South Park Wednesday 3.7 (Comedy Central) Season Premiere: The new 11th (!) season is going to have to be damned good to top the 10th, which gave us the death of Chef, Al Gore’s ManBearPig, Satan’s ultimate Halloween party, the war on Family Guy, the real 9/11 culprits and the Detroit Red Wings beating the hell out of Stan’s pee-wee hockey league, among other tragedies. With everything that happened in February pop culture alone, should be easy …

DVD
Killer Drag Queens on Dope C’mon, do you even need to know what it’s about? OK, fine: Ginger (Alexis Arquette) and Coco (Omar Alexis) are hit-men who dress like women and do lots of drugs. Want more? Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (Welcome Back Kotter) as “Mr. Fly,” and roller-derby action. KillerDragQueensOnDope.com

The Return Sarah Michelle Gellar in another moody, confusing horror flick—but Buffy’s not blonde this time, which totally changes it up. Visions of a murdered woman (herself? Spooky!) point SMG to Texas for answers, but all she finds is more bad lighting and whispering kids. Boo! NBCUniversalStore.com

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny The reason it bombed at the box office: Sneaking a bong into the megaplex is problematic. For the rest of us who know Tenacious D (Jack Black and Kyle Gass) is the greatest band in all of rock, The Pick of Destiny is simply a well-researched, irrefutable documentary. Suck that, Al Gore. NewLine.com

More New DVD Releases (Feb. 27) Conversations With God, Dog the Bounty Hunter: Season 3, Dreamland, Girlfriends: Season 1, A Good Year, Reno 911: Reno’s Most Wanted, The Rockford Files: Season 3, Stranger Than Fiction

BROADBAND
The Winner Why wait for Fox to premiere Rob Corddry’s slacker sitcom when you can watch the first four episodes online right now at FamilyGuy.com? (The series is executive-produced by Seth MacFarlane and created by his bud Ricky Blitt.) Or buy all six on iTunes? Hell, Fox is going so whole-hog “multi-platform” with The Winner, they’ve probably already posted the whole series on your MySpace page. Go ahead, check.

Studio 60.2

You've Been Sorkined Still mourning the probable death of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip after last night, but this is pretty damned funny ...

Orange Alert

The O.C. Thursday 2.22 (Fox) Series Finale: Chrismukka, The Ironist, Dead Coop, “Karl Rove” Taylor, Hippie Summer, Parallel-Universe Ryan, Saint Sandy, Vodka Kiki, Madame Julie, the last known sighting of Rooney—how are we ever gonna live without The O.C.? Plenty of you have for the last two seasons, even though the series has experienced a major creative rebound recently, thus reinforcing my argument that Marissa should have been killed off looong ago, perhaps trapped in a Bait Shop fire with The Killers. But, how’s it all gonna end? Kiki’s baby arrives miraculously? The whole gang moves outta Newport? Zombie Marissa shows up and no one can tell the difference? Luke makes a surprise return to utter the series’ closing line, “That’s how it was done in the O.C., bitches”? A couple of these are true …

Ace of Cakes Thursdays (Food Network) Usually, I have as much use for the Food Network as I do non-disposable dishes and utensils—but then I ran across Ace of Cakes, the American Chopper of culinary shows. Baltimore baker Duff Goldman and his boho crew of artists (not chefs) craft crazy cakes that require as much architectural skill as frosting finesse; sometimes power tools even come into play. Reality “docu-soaps” (think every series on A&E; Food Network just has this one) are only as good as their characters, and Ace of Cakes is loaded with ‘em—most notably Goldman’s right-hand man Geof, who seems to be living his own internal Seinfeld episode. The tattoo-shop shows are so over—bring on the pastries.

The Black Donnellys Monday 2.26 (NBC) Series Debut: Otherwise known around NBC as The Show That’s Gonna Save Monday Nights! Seriously! Yes, despite giving Aaron Sorkin’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip a full-season pickup and letting it bleed Heroes’ ratings for months, NBC has finally yanked the show (tonight, Feb. 19, is your last chance) and given no indication what’s going to happen with the remaining unaired episodes (how about a DVD combo package with the last season of Joey?). Anyway, The Black Donnellys … it was better when it was a ‘90s indie flick called Southie—co-starring Studio 60’s Amanda Peet! The four lovable Irish Donnelly brothers get caught up with the New York City mob (oh, Southie was Boston, big difference), and they’ll do anything to protect one another because it’s Family Above All or some such catchphrase. It’s hack work, but at least it’s great-looking hack work—a Paul Haggis (creator/director; Crash) specialty.

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Tuesday 2.27 (Fox) Series Debut: Mentioned this show a few weeks ago and everybody—and I do mean everybody—thought I was making it up. No, it’s for real: Adults are sent back to class and tested on fifth-grade material which, of course, they’ve long since forgotten since none of it applies to reality (or reality TV). It’s hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, who’s contractually bound to say “You might be dumber than a fifth grader if …” and it’s preempting House, because Fox is all about building goodwill with viewers.

Veronica Mars Tuesday 2.27 (The CW) Last Episode Before Hiatus: Veronica’s going on vacation and The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll is taking her CW slot through March. That’s right: One of the strongest young female role models in the one of the smartest and best-scripted shows on television is being sidelined so a pre-fabricated group of talentless skanks can find new a talentless skank to shake her moneymaker on the tube so middle-aged businessmen too cheap to spring for pay-per-view can spank away in the hotel room. Way to go, CW!

DVD
American Hardcore Despite the glaring shortage of Dead Kennedys material (!), Paul Rachman’s punk-doc still covers the titular scene of ’79 to ’86 well, with rare live footage of Black Flag, Minor Threat, Bad Brains, DRI, The Adolescents, 7 Seconds and more … plus the obligatory Rollins rants. SonyPictures.com

For Your Consideration This Is Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, Best In Show—no, For Your Consideration doesn’t quite live up to the rest of the Christopher Guest canon, but it’s still light years beyond Norbit, fergawdsakes. And it’s arriving just in time for Oscars weekend! Wha happened? WarnerBros.com

Shut Up & Sing Those wacky Dixie Chicks just don’t like Dubya, and who can argue? Not so much the case back in 2003, when Natalie Maines blasted Bush and became a country-music pariah. Shut Up & Sing documents the hysteria that followed … in case you missed it in the news every day. WeinsteinCo.com

More New DVD Releases (Feb. 20) Alias Smith & Jones: Season 1, Flushed Away, The Journalist & the Jihadi, Man of the Year, Night of the Living Dorks, Penn & Teller: Bullshit: Season 4, The Prestige, Walking Tall: The Payback