Habeas Corpses

Drive Monday 7.16 (MySpace.com/DriveOnFox) Series Finale: Watch in online, suckers. Unless Fox changes their mind again. Could happen.

Standoff Friday 7.20 (Fox) Series Finale: It’s canceled, have a nice closure—Drive fans do not feel your pain. Lesson learned: Standoff was cool series while it lasted, but now you’ve got to go back out into that great big world and never trust Fox again! Run, baby, run! Don’t look back …

Hex Saturday 7.21 (BBC America) Series Finale: Since the series is/was a British knockoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, will it end on a happy evil-is-vanquished note (a la Buffy) or a dark the-battle-has-just-begun atonal chord (a la Buffy spin-off Angel)? Good news, you depressive Angel fans: The Hex finale is really the soft opening for The End of Days, replete with blood, hellfire and other sexy goodness. Also, like Angel, Season 2 (which already aired in England two years ago, lest you accuse me of plot-spoilage) has been more twisty fun than its predecessor, thanks mostly to new lead Ella (Laura Pyper), who’s as oddly magnetic as last season’s heroine Cassie was pretty ‘n’ dull. Now all we need is a spin-off sitcom: Thelma the Lesbian Ghost.

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law Sunday 7.22 (Adult Swim) Series Finale: Grim week—everything’s ending! Saddest of all is the demise of Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, an Adult Swim staple since the late-night block launched in 2000. Not only does Harvey have the coolest theme song (“Do you reeeally want to feel him?”), it’s probably the fastest-paced 15 minutes ever produced for TV; it’s a wonder the average Adult Swim stoner could keep up with the gags. The final episode, in which our depressed and boozed-up hero is forced to retry all of his previous cases, stretches to 30 minutes and is entitled … “The Death of Harvey.” Now that’s closure.

Saving Grace Monday 7.23 (TNT) Series Debut: The Summer of Tough TV Broads continues with Holly Hunter as a hard-living Oklahoma City detective whose life is on Harvey Birdman-like skids until she goes drunk-driving and runs down some poor sap on the road—suddenly, a redneck angel appears to her with a plan for a better life. The Morality Police will probably miss that Advantages of Drunk Driving PSA as they’re losing their shit over Saving Grace’s graphic (even for cable) sex and language, but for you regular folk (read: heathens), this is a strange series worth checking out—and it beats the hell out of House Lite, er, Heartland, TNT’s other potential new Closer companion.

Damages Tuesday 7.24 (FX) Series Debut: Nothing screams Edgy Programming like … Glenn Close and Ted Danson? Believe it. Damages is an over-the-top Legal Drama—capital L, capital D, starring Close as a courtroom version of The Shield’s Vic MacKay in heels and a power pantsuit: All grit, few morals. Damn, now I miss Harvey Birdman even more …

Patton's Chapped Penis

Comedian Patton Oswalt was on Late Night With Conan O'Brien tonight promoting his Pixar rat movie (like it needs that one extra push) and his funny-as-hell new CD Werewolves & Lollipops (which got a 5-second plug--something's wrong with this picture). He opened with the story of getting a chapped penis while walking around Salt Lake City a couple of months ago during a comedy tour stop with Janeane Garofalo. How does one chap one's penis? Apparently, it involves chilly weather and corduroy pants. Bravo, Patton, for weaving kids' movie promotion, Salt Lake City and dick hygiene into a 5-minute Conan appearance! Let's see Dane Cook top that ...

True! Not Tru!

Court TV has announced that it will henceforth be known as TruTV (actually, a pretentious lowercase truTV) to better serve its "dual-gender audience that loves programming with real people in exciting real-life situations and a strong interest in compelling stories and characters."

Whatever. I came up with the same name for my TV column five years ago. Those fuckers can't have it ... Oh, they're owned by TimeWarner and have zillions of dollars at their disposal? Guess they can use it, then--just leave the "e" out and maybe we'll be cool, you corporate bastards. And if anyone can make sense of this, please let me know:

"Early in the rebranding process, we realized that the current network name doesn't reflect the direction of our programming or our growing target audience of 'real engagers.' "In truTV, we now have the ideal name that fits both the programming and the target audience. The network will be top of mind for 'real engagers' seeking real-life action programming, real-life emotion and access to places they can't normally go."

What in the name of Nancy Grace is a 'real engager'? Can I really engage in legal action for my rightful name?

DVDs 7.10.07

Beauty & The Beast: Season 2 Sure, it was ridiculous—it was the ‘80s: A giant sewer rat and a lonely urbanite find love and fight crime. This lasted three seasons. Paramount.com

Extras: Season 2 Even funnier than the first, and with more guest stars, including Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, Ian McKellen and a horny Harry Potter. HBO.com

The Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark The (non-robot) brains behind Mystery Science Theater 3000 ridicule ‘60s noir, the seedy Sunset Strip and, well, strippers. FilmCrewOnline.com

My Super Sweet 16: Seasons 1 & 2 Pinhead parents throw lavish birthday parties for their asshole teens who squeal and whine anyway. Watch ‘em again and again! Paramount.com

The Page Turner A chilling French revenge thriller set in the high-stakes world of classical piano … No, I can’t believe I just typed that, either. TartanVideo.com

Skateboarding Explained Step 1: Place left foot on the board. Step 2: Push off with right foot. Step 3: Wait around to be hassled by The Man. Repeat. SkateboardingExplained.com

More New DVD Releases (7.10) The Astronaut Farmer, Bewitched: Season 5, The Contractor, Hustle: Season 3, The Last Mimsy, The Last Time, Sweet Land

BROADBAND
The Bill Engvall Show Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy are on one end of the Redneck Rat Pack’s comedy spectrum (damn near killed ‘em!), Ron White and Bill Engvall are on the other—not that it’s wide or anything. So how’s Engvall’s new sitcom, debuting Tuesday, July 17 on TBS? Going by the network’s dozen-odd online previews, nowhere near as bad as you’d imagine, no matter which end you prefer. Plus, Nancy Travis got a job! Nice.

Down With OCD

Monk, Psych Friday 7.13 (USA) Season Premieres: Need a reason to give Monk a shot, hipsters? How about guest star Sarah Silverman? Way back in Season 2, before Silverman began her ascension to Basic Cable Goddess (Comedy Central’s hit Sarah Silverman Program) and Cult Film Uber J.A.P. (Jesus Is Magic), she played the phobic detective’s No. 1 fan/stalker. You’ll still probably hate Monk, but at least you’ll have some new YouTube material for your own obsessive blog shrines. In Psych’s second-season opener, the show has finally figured out how to walk the crime drama/buddy comedy line: throw out the drama completely. Shawn and Gus investigate a murder threat against a judge on TV karaoke-talent show American Duos, played Simon Cowell-ishly by Tim Curry. Naturally, they go undercover as a singing twosome and take mucho swipes at American Idol and its ilk—but none can match guest Gina Gershon’s hysterically unhinged homage to Paula Abdul. Without the cop-show pretense, Psych is the funniest series on USA … besides Nashville Star.

Drive Friday 7.13 (Fox) Two-Hour Series Finale—This Time for Real, Probably: Fox decided that Friday the 13th would be a more advantageous send-off/burn-off date for the canceled Drive than July the 4th. Or they’re just fucking with you again, thousands of desperate Drive fans stuck with TiVos full of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and House reruns all summer, longing for closure. Face it—Fox hates you.

Supergator Saturday 7.14 (Sci-Fi) A prehistoric killer alligator re-created from fossilized DNA escapes from a bio-engineering lab and threatens a luxury resort—why are these secret government labs always next door to luxury resorts? Did they learn nothing from Frankenfish or Dinocroc?

Rock of Love, Scott Baio Is 45 & Single Sunday 7.15 (VH1) Series Debuts: The full title is Rock of Love With Bret Michaels; it’s the Poison frontman’s version of Flavor Flav’s Flavor of Love: Formerly relevant ‘80s music star sifts through skanks in search of an everlasting infection, er, bond with the “ultimate rock star girlfriend.” Since the ultimate rock star girlfriends usually end up abandoned, strung out and/or dead, good times (or Rock of Love 2) a’comin’! Scott Baio’s also looking for love; he’s opted for his own series instead simply hanging around outside of NBC’s Age of Love backstage door and picking up the 40-something castoffs with the foolproof line, “Hey, I’m Scott Baio.”

Side Order of Life, State of Mind Sunday 7.15 (Lifetime) Series Debuts: A magazine photographer (Marisa Coughlin) reconsiders marrying Jason Priestly after receiving a “wake-up call from the universe.” That call: “It’s Jason Priestly—he’ll have his own dating show on VH1 any day now! Run!” State of Mind stars Lili Taylor as therapist whose own—wait for it—personal tics rival those of her colorful patients. It’s the TNT formula: Respected film actress (like The Closer’s Kyra Sedgwick or Saving Grace’s Holly Hunter) + quirky premise (Southern cop in Los Angeles or alcoholic cop talking to angels) = ratings gold. Unless said actress is utterly unlikable thanks to a lame-ass arc on Six Feet Under. Not naming names …

Victoria Beckham: Coming to America Monday 7.16 (NBC) The only person on earth less interesting than Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham is her husband—and NBC was going to make a six-part reality series about both of ‘em moving to Los Angeles. Now, it’s been truncated into a one-hour “special” centered on the one with no discernible talent—yes, in relative terms here, soccer is a talent. Does Coming to America reveal that there’s more to “international superstar” Victoria than a dead-eyed trout stare and perma-perk plastic tits? No … Hollywood. By. Storm.

Hos Before Bros

Big Brother Thursday 7.5 (CBS) Season Premiere: After an endless cavalcade of morons-in-a-house reality rip-offs, Big Brother is suddenly looking pretty good—you know, like the first skank you eyed at the club earlier in the evening before those 12 Jagerbombs. The Season 8 twist: One of the 14 housemates is secretly vying for extra cash by doing the bidding of the viewers via Internet and text-message voting. So, if enough voters conspire and command the Emotionally Unstable Cocktail Waitress (redundant?) to, say, drive a meat thermometer through this douchebag on the right's skull, she’ll do it? Me like! Me like!

Dr. Who Friday 7.6 (Sci-Fi) Season Premiere: Last season, they replaced Dr. Who. This season, they’ve replaced the replacement Doc’s hot blond sidekick Rose Tyler with a new hot-but-less-blond sidekick. This is beginning to look like a Foghat tour—ready to play the Spot the Original Member drinking game? Dr. Who acquires his new partner when the hospital where she’s a med student is relocated to the moon so the intergalactic Judoon cops (who have no jurisdiction on earth, natch) can execute a fugitive vampire “patient.” Lost you at “no Rose Tyler,” didn’t I?

Mind of Mencia, American Body Shop Sunday 7.8 (Comedy Central) Season Premiere/Series Debut: If you hate Carlos Mencia (yo, Joe Rogan), get ready to really hate his fans: The winner of the online So You Think You Can Rant? contest will have his/her/its video broadcast on the season premiere—and you know what a laugh riot video-bloggers are. As for American Body Shop, just imagine Reno 911 transplanted into a Phoenix auto-body shop, or a less scripted Monster Garage. On the Reno knockoff scale, ABS lands somewhere between Comedy Central’s Dog Bites Man (comedy gold) and Halfway Home (comedy graphite), but where are the Bondo gags?

Eureka Tuesday 7.10 (Sci-Fi) Season Premiere: Science-fiction purists (like the writers of the just-canceled Stargate SG-1, for example) hate it, but the quirky-cute Eureka is one of Sci-Fi’s biggest hits—and the channel can always point to ECW wrestling and say, “At least it has more science that that, so shut the fuck up!” Weirdness continues in Eureka, a NorCal town populated with super-geniuses assembled for government research and one unwitting but handsome block of wood U.S. Marshal; this episode’s Freak of the Week culprit being cosmic spontaneous combustion—see? Science! And really, even at its most cloying, Eureka still beats the hell out of subidiot network fare like …

The Singing Bee Tuesday 7.10 (NBC) Series Debut: When faced with the decision to just throw up color bars for the summer or air anything dropped off at the front desk, scrambling broadcast networks usually go with the latter—because they care about quality off-season programming … Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, back on track: The Singing Bee is another piece of karaoke shit, but the twist here is that regular folk warble along with a song until the music is cut off … and then they have to finish the lyrics correctly! This is an actual TV show! On a major network staffed with well-educated and -paid professionals! When oh when is my spec pilot for Here, Shove This In Your Ass going to be picked up?

Don’t Forget the Lyrics Wednesday 7.11 (Fox) Series Debut: Yes, it’s the same fucking show. I have nothing to add. Oh, I need to stretch for space? Uh, OK … this one is hosted by Wayne Brady, whereas the other is hosted by Joey Fatone? Will that do? Here, Shove This In Your Ass: Summer 2008 …

Paris + Larry

As a preview to last week’s Larry King interview with the sainted Paris Hilton on CNN, The Daily Buzz (that morning show you don’t watch locally in SLC on CW 30) produced a funny clip of the Cryptkeeper (King) chatting with a blow-up doll (Hilton). It’s far more insightful than the actual interview; all that’s missing is Anderson Cooper’s hour-long (!) analysis.

DVDs 6.26.07

Black Snake Moan Grizzled bluesman (Samuel L. Jackson) meets half-nekkid ‘ho-bag (Christina Ricci); love, redemption and killer blues tunes ensue. Paramount.com

Frankenstein Conquers the World The preserved heart of Dr. Frankenstein is hit with radiation and grows into a 20-foot-tall monster—just in time to battle Baragon! Media-Blasters.com

Dope Mania/Sex Mania Funny anti-fun propaganda shorts spanning the ’20s to ‘60s, all currently being used in Utah school curricula … as far as you know. Facets.org

High School Musical: The Concert Throw out the plot and just get on with the super-awesome musical numbers! If you can hear ‘em over the squealing teens, that is. Disney.com

Shooter Mark Wahlberg is a disillusioned guv’ment sniper called back by The Man for One Last Mission: Save the president! And blow shit up! Paramount.com

Twisted Sister: The Video Years For the first time on DVD: Some of the cheesiest rock videos ever, plus a killer 1987 MTV concert and unnecessary new interviews. Rhino.com

More New DVD Releases (6.26) Film School, Gomer Pyle: Season 2, Miami Vice: Season 5, Monk: Season 5, Mystery Science Theater 3000: Vol. 11, Psych: Season 1, Reno 911: Season 4

BROADBAND
Studio 60: LOL Edition Aaron Sorkin’s initially-fantastic-but-now-craptacular Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip ends its rocky NBC run Thursday, June 28, never to be seen again—except on a zillion YouTube videos. The doctored LOL Edition adds a laugh track, and damned if it doesn’t work—even if the characters are yammering on about war hostages, pregnancy complications and Jesus. Ha!

Paula's Burning Sensation

Hey Paula Thursday 6.28 (Bravo) Series Debut: Bravo’s celebrity-reality shows veer between highly entertaining (Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List provides more laughs than most networks’ entire sitcom lineups) and highly disturbing (Being Bobby Brown—ditto). Their latest let’s-follow-a-fameless-star-around-and-hope-for-a-train-wreck vehicle is Hey Paula, all about the wacky world of American Idol lush, er, judge Paula Abdul—sounds perfect, right? Kiss my ass, Bob-bay! Hey Paula doesn’t address Abdul’s alleged craziness or dope-iness; it just walks you through her hectic days of hawking crap on QVC and praising crap on Idol—all of which is as thrilling as reading someone else’s day planner. Poor, busy celebrities!

The Starter Wife Thursday 6.28 (USA) Miniseries Finale: This should have been over weeks ago. The initial two hours of The Starter Wife were charming enough, but the miniseries ran out of story long before it exhausted the wardrobe (apparently a larger—as in, size 2—concern). The semi-autobiographical epic been on so long that creator Gigi Levangie-Grazer left her power-player husband for real during the run, and star Debra Messing has had to have her roots retouched twice—or was it the other way around? Anyway, in the finale, Molly (Messing) chooses between the old rich guy and the hunky young homeless guy, and USA will be brainstorming over how drag this out into a series. Yeah … neither choice really needs to be made—just let it ride, folks.

Burn Notice Thursday 6.28 (USA) Series Debut: Agent Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan of USA’s too-short-lived Touching Evil) gets fired and blacklisted by the CIA and dumped in Miami. Upside: Plenty of rays, bikinis and opportunities to whip off sunglasses while dropping Caruso quips. Downside: He doesn’t know why he was canned, he now has to take on freelance private-eye gigs and the mother he hates (Sharon Gless) also lives in Miami. Burn Notice glides by on flashy cinematography and casual cool, and Westen has Black-Ops spy skills and suave charm that the dicks of USA’s Monk and Psych can’t touch. Throw in Bruce Campbell (yes, Old Spice pitchman Bruce Campbell) as his boozing/womanizing ex-spy pal, and you have what should, rightfully, be The Next Big Cable Hit. Then again, I said that about Touching Evil, too …

The Loop Sunday 7.1 (Fox) Series Finale: Didn’t know it was back on? Has been for a few weeks; sorry, forgot to drop a reminder for you dozen Loop fans. The show has been canceled by Fox (like Standoff—quit sending me e-mails insisting it isn’t; I know stuff) even though it’s a better comedy than some of the crap they’re retaining (ahem, ‘Til Death), and some of the funnier episodes have languished in the summer burn-off. Like the first half of tonight’s two-part sendoff: Sam’s airline accidentally ticks off a group of fatties known as … the American Association of Plus-Sized Adults. Please, please let the AAPSA be repurposed next season on House.

Hidden Palms Wednesday 7.4 (The CW) Season Finale: So it’s not as bad as I originally thought. Still sucks. Buh-bye!

Drive Wednesday 7.4 (Fox) Series Finale: Speaking of burn-offs, Fox is unloading the final two episodes of Drive on the Fourth of July—at least they’re not rerunning Independence Day again. God, I hate Will Smith. So, when last we left Drive in April, the high-stakes cross-country car race was heating up, the intrigue and back-stories were piling up, and these final two hours will tie up … pretty much nothing, as the season was intended to run 13 episodes, not six. Perpetual cliffhangers: The American (or at least Fox) way.

DVDs 6.19.07

Bachelor Party Massacre A stripper hired for a bachelor party goes nuts and starts killing dudes, as per the title. Don’t worry, Mike Nifong is on the case. TrinityVideo.tv

Animaniacs: Vol. 3 Yakko, Wakko and Dot continue to plague Warner Bros. until they’re gunned down by security—at least in the Director’s Cut. WarnerBros.com

Inside Out Suburban psychological thriller; the biggest mystery being how Grey’s Anatomy’s Kate Walsh became the headliner. AnchorBayEntertainment.com

Pinky & The Brain: Vol. 3 The Brain finally realizes that if he does in fact take over the world, he’ll be stuck in charge of a few billion Pinky-like idiots. Narf! WarnerBros.com

Reno 911: Miami Perhaps the only time you’ll see Patton Oswalt and The Rock guesting in the same movie. Beyond that, it’s just the TV show with tits. FoxHome.com

Silver Spoons: Season 1 The groundbreaking ‘80s drama series about heroin-shooting pre-teens, millionaire slackers and Buck Rogers’ hot ex-sidekick. SonyPictures.com

More New DVD Releases (6.19) Bridge to Terabithia, Fire Serpent, Picket Fences: Season 1, Powerpuff Girls: Season 1

BROADBAND
The Showbiz Show The Season Whatever (sorry, lost track) finale of The Showbiz Show With David Spade is Thursday, June 21, but the snarky series is best viewed in small vid-chunks, anyway. Better than Comedy Central’s PG Motherlode clips are the factory-direct uncensored takes at TheShowbizShow.com; check Kate Walsh’s (yeah, her again) F-bombed rant against Maxim’s Hot 100. Maybe she is a headliner.