TV Tonight: The League, Rules of Engagement, Private Practice

What’s new tonight:
The League (FX) Thanksgiving Episode: Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman guest as Ruxin’s father and Andre’s sister, respectively—who will spit out the most inappropriate, horrible things in 30 minutes or less? You’d be surprised … unless you said Silverman, then not at all.

Rules of Engagement (CBS) Speaking of 30 Minutes or Less, did you see that movie? Like the rest of ‘Merica, probably not. Allow me to do you a solid and recommend the DVD when it’s released in a couple of weeks: Rules of Engagement costar Bianca Kajlich plays a very nasty, very naked stripper grinding all up on Danny McBride (aka Kenny Fucking Powers of Eastbound & Down). You’re welcome. Oh, tonight’s Rules episode? A few misunderstandings and dick jokes, the usual.

Private Practice (ABC) Two-Hour Episode: Says here, “The doctors stage an intervention for Amelia after she returns from a 12-day drug binge with her boyfriend, Amelia bonds with an 18-year-old woman as they endure painful drug detox in rehab, and Addison collapses after rigorous fertility treatments.” Jesus, no wonder they needed two hours.

Also new tonight: 
The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

It’s Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman on The League! 

TV Tonight: Happy Endings, Criminal Minds, South Park

What’s new tonight:
Happy Endings (ABC) Max’s high-school girlfriend drops in on the gang—awkward, since, you know, he’s all gay now. Meanwhile, Jane discovers that Brad has a “work wife” and sets out to land her own “office husband.” And these are just two of what’s sure to be a dozen hilarious situations tonight!

Criminal Minds (CBS) Garcia asks the BAU team for help when a mother in her survivors support group goes missing on the anniversary of her daughter’s kidnapping—weird. Even weirder, computer jockey Garcia’s going out into the field! She always gets shot when she does that!

South Park (Comedy Central) Season Finale: It’s the Season 15 finale, so it’s time for another bummer cliffhanger: When his parents are jailed (what took so long?), Kenny and his siblings are forced into foster care—which can only be a step up, right? Not if Cartman’s plan to keep Kenny down and broke are successful, and Cartman does have an oddly high success rate.

Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central) Season Finale: Nick welcomes fellow comics Duncan Trussell (The Lavender Hour!) and Owen Benjamin (no idea!) to talk about sketches that somehow didn’t make it onto the show, and then there’s something about drunk girls in a fast-food joint—it’s all sure to be funny as hell, trust me, as I’m one of there several hundred people who watch Pretend Time, like, every week.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America's Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Whitechapel (BBC America); The Real World (MTV); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Extreme Couponing (TLC); Psych (USA); American Horror Story (FX)

They just wanna legalize meth on Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, y’all!

TV Tonight: New Girl, Body of Proof, Tosh.0, SOA

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TV Tonight: Bored to Death, Hart of Dixie, The Headhuntress

What's new tonight:
Bored to Death (HBO) Jonathan’s girlfriend from college (Happy Endings’ Casey Wilson) hires him and, for some reason, George and Ray, to protect her family’s wedding jewels—hence, high comedy in black turtlenecks and wool caps. In other this-can’t-end-well developments, heartbroken Ray moves in with George. Related: Why the hell did Saturday Night Live ever fire Casey Wilson, anyway?

Hart of Dixie (The CW) Every week, I think “No, Hart of Dixie couldn’t possibly get any more stoopid”; every week, it proves me wrong. Tonight, NASCAR driver Brian Vickers guests just to withdraw his entry from the town’s annual turtle race … WT fuck? Meanwhile, Dr. Zoe (Rachel Bilson) catches the eye of a veterinarian and humpin’, er, love might be in the air.

The Headhuntress (Bravo) Special: Career coach Wendy Doulton teaches you how to find a job—even though, if you’re watching Bravo, chances are you really want nothing to do with employment, reality or leaving the couch.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, 20/20 (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); The Bad Girls Club Reunion, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Enlightened (HBO)

Just another Monday for Bored to Death: 

TV Weekend: Metal Evolution, SNL, Rage of the Yeti, Homeland

What’s new this weekend:
Metal Evolution, Behind the Music Remastered: Megadeth, That Metal Show (VH1 Classic, tonight) 11/11/11 Metal Day Specials: Read all about ‘em at CityWeekly.net.

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Chuck, Grimm (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!); The Heart, She Holler (Adult swim)

Rage of the Yeti (Syfy, Saturday) Movie: Arctic monsters (not a band) terrorize people dumb enough to be arctic explorers (including Baywatch’s David Chokachi). As you can see by the photo above, looks awesome!

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) Just like last week: Great host (Emma Stone) and shitty band (Coldplay).

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); We Have Your Husband (Lifetime); T.J. Miller: No Real Reason (Comedy Central); Primevil, Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

Homeland (Showtime, Sunday) Maybe-a-terrorist Brody (Damian Lewis) and definitely-crazy Carrie (Claire Danes) take their unlikely affair to the next loony level by spending the weekend sexing it up in the countryside. Meanwhile, back home, everybody finds out that wife Jessica (Morena Baccarin) has been getting it on with Brody’s pal Mike (Diego Klattenoff); shit, meet fan. Reminder: This is a show about international terrorism and homeland security.

The Walking Dead (AMC) Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 8 pm; zombies are better with a beer.

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter (Showtime)

Bonus: Last week’s credits and a promo for this Sunday’s Homeland: 

TV Tonight: Whitney, Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Sunny

What’s new tonight:
Whitney (NBC) What wacky She Said/He Said misunderstanding will befall Whitney tonight? Get this: Whitney (Whitney Cummings) discovers that Alex (Chris D’Elia) actually had hobbies and got out of the apartment and did stuff before he hooked up with her, so she insists they play raquetball together—boooiiinnng! Ball jokes ahoy! And then the gang does some other funny shit and the studio audience laughs. It’s a real studio audience, yo!

The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW) Fall Finales: They’re both outta here until January … that’s all I got. Need more, girls? OK … uh … Vampires! Werewolves! Forbidden love! Er … Twilight? And we’re done here.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) Says here, “The gang’s plan to extract an artifact is jeopardized when the owners turn out to be home.” This can’t end well, now can it?

Also new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); The League (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

Can’t go wrong with a Thai-food-burning-yr-asshole gag, eh Whitney?

TV Tonight: ANTM, CMA Awards, American Horror Story

What’s new tonight:
America’s Next Top Model (The CW) The girls head to Greece—and, wouldn’t you know it, there’s an underwear shoot. Will Christ-y Shannon refuse to strip down again, just like she did waaay back in Season (sorry, Cycle) 1? As you can see by the photo above, she prefers to keep it modest. Forecast: Dra-ma.

The 45th Annual Country Music Awards (ABC) You won’t be seeing any of your favorite ABC shows tonight, because the network is devoting three fucking hours to already-overplayed country-music acts, hosted by Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood. But, if you really need your Modern Family fix, you can see Cam (Eric Stonestreet) on …

American Horror Story (FX) The story of Tate is finally told, and it’s predictably bloody and crazy. Meanwhile, Ben treats a new patient (Stonestreet) who’s afraid of being murdered by a fictional (?) pig-man, which bears no relation to South Park’s ManBearPig. Does it go well? Does anything ever go well on this show?

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Law & Order: UK, Whitechapel (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Psych (USA)

America’s Next Top Model strips down in Greece tonight …

TV Tonight: Glee, 90210, Parenthood

What’s new tonight:
Glee (Fox) Sure, I gave up on Glee looong ago—but they’ve pissed off the Parents Television Council this week, so I’m back for the moment. How’d they do it? Everybody’s losing their virginity tonight! How dare Fox have 30-year-old actors portraying teenagers having sex?! Not only are Rachel and Finn popping their cherries together, but so are Blaine and Kurt—and they’re both boys! No wonder the PTC is shitting themselves! Let’s not forget the real victim here: McKinley High is murdering West Side Story tonight, as well.

90210 (The CW) The gang vacates the 90210 and heads to Las Vegas, where they meet celebrities, get invited to play in poker tournaments and marry each other—you know, like you do in Vegas. Somewhere in here, there’s also a “country music superstar” named … Judd Ridge.

Parenthood (NBC) Sarah’s failed-rock-star ex (failed-rock-star-go-to-guy John Corbett) crashes at the apartment after getting out of rehab, and daughter Amber finally realizes what a dick he is—you know, as most sober people are. In far more important developments, tonight’s Parenthood is quite boob-tacular (see promo video below). Tits ahoy!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Come watch it on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Dancing With the Stars (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Covert Affairs (USA); The Heart She Holler (Adult Swim)

Parenthood is bustin’ out all over the place tonight …

TV Tonight: Death Valley, Terra Nova, Two & a Half Men

What’s new tonight:
Death Valley (MTV) The Walking Dead gets all the hype—where’s the love for MTV’s Death Valley? This Shaun of the Dead/Reno 911 mashup has gotten funnier (and gorier) every week since it debuted way back in August, dispatching not only zombies, but vampires and other supernatural felons at a far more rapid rate than Deputy Rick has managed over on AMC. But, since it resides in the dead (heh) of Monday night on MTV, Death Valley will likely go the way of last year’s Warren the Ape: A well-done, one-season-and-done series written off as just another MTV scripted experiment. Catch it while you can.

Terra Nova (Fox) Yes, it’s still on. Tonight, something actually happens: An asteroid hits! And … that’s about it. A billion-ish dollars well-spent, Fox.

Two & a Half Men (CBS) Walden (Ashton Kutcher) finally gets around to redecorating the former Charlie Harper/Sheen’s house, which makes Alan (Jon Cryer) misty for the old days—the perfect opportunity for Alan to bust out his Charlie impersonation and drag a little more mileage out of this sitcom “scandal.” Who said Two & a Half Men was out of ideas? Besides Charlie Sheen?

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); The Bad Girls Club Reunion, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics (Syfy); Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

This is what you’re missing on MTV’s Death Valley: 

New Spartacus: Vengeance Trailer

Starz has released the first full-length trailer for the upcoming 2012 season of Spartacus AND renewed the series for an additional season before the this one even premieres. They must really like Liam McIntyre, the show's title-ringer replacement for the late Andy Whitfield, or they just want something that'll bring back some viewers (may or may not be looking your way, Boss).

Spartacus: Vengeance premieres Friday, January 27; here's the trailer (Lucy Lawless survived, eh?):