TV Weekend: Hoops & Yoyo, Dear Santa, Leverage, Walking Dead

What’s new this weekend:
Hoops & Yoyo Ruin Christmas (CBS, tonight) Holiday Special: A pink cat and green bunny stow away on Santa’s sleigh and, somehow, cause a rift in the space-time continuum, thus sending them back in time to accidentally derail the destiny of a young Kris Kringle. I shit you not. We have enough Christmas cartoons now, right?

Also new tonight:
The Elf on a Shelf (CBS); Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Olive the Other Reindeer (The CW); Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse (TBS); Star Wars: The Clone Wars, ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); The Onion News Network (IFC); Boss (Starz)

Dear Santa (Lifetime, Saturday) Holiday Movie: A woman (Amy Acker of Angel and Dollhouse) intercepts a letter to Santa from a young girl wishing for a new mom. Naturally, the woman tracks down the widower and puts a plan in motion to become that new mom. Not creepy nor scary in the least.

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); Primevil (BBC America); Storm War (Syfy)

Wilson-Phillips: Still Holding On (TV Guide, Sunday) Series Debut: Riding the rediscovery wave thanks to Bridesmaids (yeah, sure), ‘90s footnote Wilson-Phillips discover that juggling family life and recording a “comeback” album that absolutely no one wants to hear ain’t easy. Oh, and TV Guide is a real channel.

Leverage (TNT, Sunday) Winter Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Midseason Finale: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith (ABC); The Amazing Race (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); Soul Train Awards (BET); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

Lest you don’t believe me that Wilson-Phillips: Still Holding On is real:

TV Tonight: Modern Family, Survivor, ANTM, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) Thanksgiving Episode: A former neighborhood kid (The Book of Mormon’s Josh Gadd) returns as a Internet millionaire (what is this, 1997?), causing Phil to ponder why he’s not more successful—which, of course, he’ll be over by the end of the episode when counts his blessings over a misty montage … oh, spoiler? That’s how every episode ends.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

American Horror Story (FX) The identity of the Rubber Man is finally revealed, as is, presumably, his reasoning for stealth-raping/impregnating Vivien (Connie Britton). And then, things get stabby. Yes, just another feel-good Thanksgiving episode for the night.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Up All Night, The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor, Mobbed (Fox); Whitechapel (BBC America); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo)

Happy Thanksgiving from American Horror Story: 

TV Tonight: Dancing With the Stars, Workaholics, SOA

What’s new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars (ABC) Two-Hour Season Finale: So this shit is finally over—is Nancy Grace still in the running/hoofing? No? Then I really don’t care. Even worse, DWTS is bumping Body of Proof, ABC’s only non-crap Tuesday series, tonight. At least I still have …

Workaholics (Comedy Central) Season Finale: In a conveniently-timed Thanksgiving episode, the guys decide to spend Turkey Day at Hedonism II, thus ensuring half-naked babes and drunken debauchery—if Blake can score a passport in six hours, that is.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) After finding daddy Piney dead last week, Opie’s out to fuck somebody up tonight! And it’s Clay! Maybe Jax, too! Hell, he may kill all of SAMCRO and next season it’ll just be the Opie & Otto Show. If Otto survives this one, that is. Come watch it all blow up on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars (A&E); Covert Affairs (USA)

Opie’s on the rampage and Tara’s in trouble on tonight’s Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: Castle, The Layover, Death Valley

What’s new tonight:
Castle (ABC) Remember how Det. Beckett (Stana Katic) got shot at the end of last season? And how it’s barely been addressed this season? That denial comes back to bite her in the narrow ass tonight when a sniper goes on a random citywide killing spree and Beckett’s PTSD conveniently kicks into high gear. Will the episode end with a tear-jerking, partners-gotta-have-each-other’s-backs speech from Castle (Nathan Fillion)? Have you never seen this show?

The Layover (Travel) Series Debut: International badass Anthony Bourdain finds stuff to do, see and eat during 24-48-hour layovers—presumably while filming his other show, No Reservations. First up: Singapore … oh, this oughta be good …

Death Valley (MTV) Season Finale: If that other zombie show has been spending too much time on talking about “feelings,” “relationships” and other bullshit for your tastes, you should give Death Valley a spin—there’s waaay more undead brain-splattering, and it’s intentionally funny, too. Of course, as with any show I actually like on MTV, it’ll probably be canceled after tonight to make room for Teen Mom 8. Damn it.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, You Deserve It (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

Can you keep up with Anthony Bourdain on The Layover?

TV Weekend: Onion News, Grimm, Weirdo, AMAs

What’s new this weekend:
The Onion News Network (IFC, tonight) ONN is back on Friday nights, and anchor Brooke Alvarez is back from the Tired Hospital—just in time for The Fact Zone’s investigative series “Sex In America,” which is more than just a cheap ploy for ratings. But not much more. Welcome back, Brooke!

Grimm (NBC, tonight) It ain’t bad, but could Grimm be made better? Yes! Read how at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Chuck (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Women Who Rock (PBS); Star Wars: The Clone Wars, ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); The Soup (E!); Boss (Starz)

Donald Glover: Weirdo (Comedy Central, Saturday) It’s a stand-up special with Troy from Community—which is not canceled … yet.

Also new Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Jason Segal w/ Florence & The Machine (NBC/CW30); Cops (Fox); Primevil, Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

2011 American Music Awards (ABC, Sunday) Every horrible, talentless musical act on the charts together in one place, including Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Marc Anthony, Christina Aguilera, Chris Brown, LMFAO and Nicki Minaj. Am I suggesting nuking the venue and instantly improving the country’s musical outlook? No, not at all. But you could gather some tips from …

Homeland (Showtime, Sunday) The home-soil terrorism drama is damned good, but could it be made even better? Yes! Read how at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 7 pm—only one more episode to go before the winter break, zombie enthusiasts.

Also new Sunday:
The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter (Showtime)

The next Walking Dead, which you should be watching at Brewvies:

TV Tonight: The League, Rules of Engagement, Private Practice

What’s new tonight:
The League (FX) Thanksgiving Episode: Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman guest as Ruxin’s father and Andre’s sister, respectively—who will spit out the most inappropriate, horrible things in 30 minutes or less? You’d be surprised … unless you said Silverman, then not at all.

Rules of Engagement (CBS) Speaking of 30 Minutes or Less, did you see that movie? Like the rest of ‘Merica, probably not. Allow me to do you a solid and recommend the DVD when it’s released in a couple of weeks: Rules of Engagement costar Bianca Kajlich plays a very nasty, very naked stripper grinding all up on Danny McBride (aka Kenny Fucking Powers of Eastbound & Down). You’re welcome. Oh, tonight’s Rules episode? A few misunderstandings and dick jokes, the usual.

Private Practice (ABC) Two-Hour Episode: Says here, “The doctors stage an intervention for Amelia after she returns from a 12-day drug binge with her boyfriend, Amelia bonds with an 18-year-old woman as they endure painful drug detox in rehab, and Addison collapses after rigorous fertility treatments.” Jesus, no wonder they needed two hours.

Also new tonight: 
The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

It’s Jeff Goldblum and Sarah Silverman on The League! 

TV Tonight: Happy Endings, Criminal Minds, South Park

What’s new tonight:
Happy Endings (ABC) Max’s high-school girlfriend drops in on the gang—awkward, since, you know, he’s all gay now. Meanwhile, Jane discovers that Brad has a “work wife” and sets out to land her own “office husband.” And these are just two of what’s sure to be a dozen hilarious situations tonight!

Criminal Minds (CBS) Garcia asks the BAU team for help when a mother in her survivors support group goes missing on the anniversary of her daughter’s kidnapping—weird. Even weirder, computer jockey Garcia’s going out into the field! She always gets shot when she does that!

South Park (Comedy Central) Season Finale: It’s the Season 15 finale, so it’s time for another bummer cliffhanger: When his parents are jailed (what took so long?), Kenny and his siblings are forced into foster care—which can only be a step up, right? Not if Cartman’s plan to keep Kenny down and broke are successful, and Cartman does have an oddly high success rate.

Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central) Season Finale: Nick welcomes fellow comics Duncan Trussell (The Lavender Hour!) and Owen Benjamin (no idea!) to talk about sketches that somehow didn’t make it onto the show, and then there’s something about drunk girls in a fast-food joint—it’s all sure to be funny as hell, trust me, as I’m one of there several hundred people who watch Pretend Time, like, every week.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, CSI (CBS); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America's Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Whitechapel (BBC America); The Real World (MTV); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Extreme Couponing (TLC); Psych (USA); American Horror Story (FX)

They just wanna legalize meth on Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, y’all!

TV Tonight: New Girl, Body of Proof, Tosh.0, SOA

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TV Tonight: Bored to Death, Hart of Dixie, The Headhuntress

What's new tonight:
Bored to Death (HBO) Jonathan’s girlfriend from college (Happy Endings’ Casey Wilson) hires him and, for some reason, George and Ray, to protect her family’s wedding jewels—hence, high comedy in black turtlenecks and wool caps. In other this-can’t-end-well developments, heartbroken Ray moves in with George. Related: Why the hell did Saturday Night Live ever fire Casey Wilson, anyway?

Hart of Dixie (The CW) Every week, I think “No, Hart of Dixie couldn’t possibly get any more stoopid”; every week, it proves me wrong. Tonight, NASCAR driver Brian Vickers guests just to withdraw his entry from the town’s annual turtle race … WT fuck? Meanwhile, Dr. Zoe (Rachel Bilson) catches the eye of a veterinarian and humpin’, er, love might be in the air.

The Headhuntress (Bravo) Special: Career coach Wendy Doulton teaches you how to find a job—even though, if you’re watching Bravo, chances are you really want nothing to do with employment, reality or leaving the couch.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, 20/20 (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); The Bad Girls Club Reunion, Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Enlightened (HBO)

Just another Monday for Bored to Death: 

TV Weekend: Metal Evolution, SNL, Rage of the Yeti, Homeland

What’s new this weekend:
Metal Evolution, Behind the Music Remastered: Megadeth, That Metal Show (VH1 Classic, tonight) 11/11/11 Metal Day Specials: Read all about ‘em at CityWeekly.net.

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Chuck, Grimm (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!); The Heart, She Holler (Adult swim)

Rage of the Yeti (Syfy, Saturday) Movie: Arctic monsters (not a band) terrorize people dumb enough to be arctic explorers (including Baywatch’s David Chokachi). As you can see by the photo above, looks awesome!

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) Just like last week: Great host (Emma Stone) and shitty band (Coldplay).

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); We Have Your Husband (Lifetime); T.J. Miller: No Real Reason (Comedy Central); Primevil, Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

Homeland (Showtime, Sunday) Maybe-a-terrorist Brody (Damian Lewis) and definitely-crazy Carrie (Claire Danes) take their unlikely affair to the next loony level by spending the weekend sexing it up in the countryside. Meanwhile, back home, everybody finds out that wife Jessica (Morena Baccarin) has been getting it on with Brody’s pal Mike (Diego Klattenoff); shit, meet fan. Reminder: This is a show about international terrorism and homeland security.

The Walking Dead (AMC) Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 8 pm; zombies are better with a beer.

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter (Showtime)

Bonus: Last week’s credits and a promo for this Sunday’s Homeland: