What’s new tonight: Are You There, Chelsea?(NBC) Series Debut: Batting clean-up after the newly-relocated Whitney, it’s the new Are You There, Chelsea? aka The Sitcom Formerly Known As Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. NBC is calling the combo Happy Hour—not Harpy Hour, you Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings haters. Me, I’m still one of the very few who actually like Whitney (the comedienne and the series), but Chelsea is a tougher sell: We’ve already had half a season of Whitney and 2 Broke Girls, do we really need another Beeotches Be Obnoxious sitcom? Going by Chelsea’s pilot, probably not. Handler’s funny as hell on cable, but forcing her into a watered-down network sitcom role (playing her own older sister, as Laura Prepon plays Chelsea … wha?) has Huge Fucking Compromise written all over it. Shoulda sold it to Showtime, Chels.
Also new tonight: The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); The People’s Choice Awards (CBS); Whitney, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); Mobbed (Fox); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Toddlers & Tiaras, I Cloned My Pet (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); State of Play (BBC America); True Life (MTV); The Soup (E!)
Back when Are You There, Chelsea? still had her Vodka:
What’s new tonight:
24 Hour Catwalk(Lifetime) New Series: This debuted last Thursday after the season premiere of Project Runway All Stars—yeah, it made that much of an impression. In 24 Hour Catwalk (named so because host Alexa Chung looks like a wet cat, I’m assuming), aspiring designers have—you guessed it—24 hours to stitch together a clothing line and, of course, cause as much sewing room DRA-MA as possible. But, seriously: Who the fuck is Alexa Chung?
Dance Moms (Lifetime) Season Premiere: The surprise cable hit of 2011 is back! If you find Toddlers & Tiaras to be just be a little too “thinky” and “dignified,” Dance Moms (starring Loud! Now! Brown! Cow! instructor Abby Lee Miller) is for you! Lick it up, ‘Merica.
Body of Proof (ABC) Watch It While You Can: Biz buzz has it that ABC’s MILF-tastic crime drama Body of Proof is headed for the ol’ TV glue factory after Season 2 wraps—which means we (meaning, myself and a few hundred other viewers) only have several months/weeks/minutes left with Dana Delaney and Jeri Ryan. Same goes for Poppy Montgomery’s Unforgettable over on CBS; Maria Bello’s Prime Suspect is already long gone from NBC. This just ain’t the season for lady cops, apparently.
Also new tonight: Last Man Standing, Work It, Celebrity Wife Swap: Flavor Flav & Dee Snider (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Tabatha Takes Over (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars, Storage Wars Texas (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Extreme Couponing All Stars (TLC)
How many millions watched Dance Moms last year? WT Fuck?
Forgot to pirate the neighbor’s cable and missed the Season 5 premiere of Californicationlast night? Showtime’s posted it (albeit in edited form) on YouTube, and it’s worth it for guest star RZA’s nearly-intelligible bon mots. Enjoy:
New tonight: The Bachelor, Castle (ABC); Who’s Still Standing, Fear Factor, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); House (Fox); Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); Pawn Stars (History); Scouted (E!); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World (Bravo); The Mortified Sessions (Sundance); Caged (MTV)
What’s new this weekend:
Supernatural (The CW, tonight) Return: In “Adventures in Babysitting” (!), Sam helps a teen girl find, coincidentally, her supernatural-investigator father and, of course, runs into some crazy hell-bitch trouble. Meanwhile, Dean is on the hunt for … Dick Roman. Has he called Mo’s Tavern?
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon(NBC, tonight) J-Fal welcomes actor David Duchovny (Californication) and band Wild Flag (featuring Portlandia’s Carrie Brownstein). Watch-my-show pimpin’ ahoy!
Also new tonight:
Chuck (NBC); Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Nikita (The CW); Wizards of Waverly Place (Disney); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); America’s Most Wanted (Lifetime); The Life & Times of Tim (HBO)
New Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Charles Barkley & Kelly Clarkson (NBC/CW30); Cops (Fox); My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet); Fixing Pete (Hallmark); Graham Norton Show (BBC America); Metal Evolution: Grunge (VH1 Classic)
The Firm(NBC, Sunday) Series Debut: Remember that John Grisham novel? Or the Tom Cruise movie? So now it’s a TV show, and it stars Josh Lucas of Sweet Home Alabama and Poseidon fame. Not enough star power for ya? The Firm also has Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica), Molly Parker (Deadwood) and Juliette Lewis (Juliette & The Licks and every movie from the ‘90s).
Downton Abbey (PBS, Sunday) Season Premiere: Apparently, this show is a big deal and I’m obliged to write something about it. So … done.
Absolutely Fabulous (BBC America, Sunday) Season Premiere: Not only are Patsy and Edina still alive, but they’re cranking out a whole new season of Ab Fab! Well, three episodes. Lazy Brits.
Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives (ABC); The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, The Cleveland Show, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Baseball Wives (VH1); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Tom Papa: Live in New York (Comedy Central); Robot Chicken (Adult Swim); Leverage (TNT); Angry Boys (HBO)
What's new tonight: The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Return: Says here, “Klaus uses violence to convey that no one will be safe until he gets his family back, Tyler tries to cope with recent changes, and Alaric meets a beautiful doctor who is intrigued by his ability to heal.” Unfortunately, said doc is Torrey DeVitto, not Rachel Bilson—really had my hopes up for a Vampire Diaries/Hart of Dixie crossover and/or bloodbath.
The Secret Circle (The CW) Return: Says here, "Cassie shares a deep secret with Adam, Faye asks a mysterious stranger (Grey Damon) for help with a spell, and Diana is ecstatic when her grandmother visits." Fortunately, said nana is Stepfanie Kramer—Dee Dee McCall from Hunter! Wiki it, kids …
Jersey Shore (MTV) Season Premiere: Yes, already. For Season 5 (!), the guido gang is back in New Jersey and, wouldn’t ya know it?, they’re already drunk and fighting. Isn’t it time to move this nostalgia act over to TV Land?
Also new tonight: Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC)
IFC has made the second episode of the upcoming second season of Portlandia available online, in its entirety! Why? Don’t ask stupid questions, just watch it now and again on real TV on Jan. 13—you Battlestar Galactica nuts will especially enjoy the cameos in “One Moore Episode”:
Also new tonight: The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); I Get That a Lot (CBS); Mobbed (Fox); Top Chef Texas (Bravo); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); State of Play (BBC America); True Life (MTV); The Soup (E!)
What’s new tonight:
Work It (ABC) Series Debut: This is really happening. A sitcom about two dudes who, for whatever reason, have to dress up as women to land jobs as pharmaceutical reps. I know, I can’t believe I resisted the “Hand-jobs behind Taco Bell?” joke, either. There’s no question that Work It is already the worst new show of the season—but can it go the distance to become The Worst of 2012? Or even The Worst of the 2000s? I’m a believer; I say yes.
Celebrity Wife Swap (ABC) Series Debut: What took so long? How has TLC not already produced this show? Tonight, in the first of what’s sure to be dozens of enlightening household tradeoffs, the wife of not-at-all-loony actor Gary Busey switches places with the wife of disgraced ex-evangelist Ted Haggard. You’d think these poor wives would take to opportunity to just skip the country and never look back, right?
Jane by Design (ABC Family) Series Debut: In what is either a ripped-off Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead subplot or a ripped-off Arrested Development subplot, 16-year-old Jane is mistaken for an adult and hired as an assistant to a big-deal fashion exec (Andie McDowell). Sure, there’s totally enough material here for a series, not a just a movie-of-the-week.
Also new tonight: Last Man Standing, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Switched at Birth (ABC Family); Storage Wars (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Chopped (Food Network); Extreme Couponing All-Stars (TLC); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen); The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret: Season 1 Recap Special(IFC)
This Work It trailer features no hand-jobs, behind Taco Bell or elsewhere:
What’s new this weekend:
The Life & Times of Tim(HBO) Season Premiere: After two seasons in 2008 and 2010, HBO canceled the animated Life & Times of Tim, then uncanceled it and picked it up for this third run. See, Deadwood and Carnivale diehards? There’s still hope (but not really). Before, Tim (voiced by series creator Steve Dildarian) was a 20-something NYC corporate-office drone with a propensity for turning every situation into an awkward disaster; now, he’s unemployed and awkwardly looking for work (too bad this season was made before Occupy Wall Street happened). Funny, twisted stuff—and you don’t even have to be Adult Swim-level “medicated” to appreciate it.
Steven Niles’ Remains (Chiller) Movie: No, not the remains of author Steve Niles (30 Days of Night), but yet another zombie-apocalypse thriller. The Remains twist: It’s set in Reno, and it’s on an obscure channel you’ve likely never frequented—unless you’re really, really into horror flicks and reruns of Fear Factor and … Harper’s Island? Still, Remains is a notch above the average Saturday-night Syfy filler, both aesthetically and dramatically, and Chiller sent me an elaborate promotional casino box with playing cards and poker chips to say it.
Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); Chuck, Grimm (NBC); Happiness is a Warm Blanket Charlie Brown, Ice Age: Mammoth Christmas (Fox); America’s Most Wanted, Starving Secrets With Tracey Gold (Lifetime); Sanctuary (Syfy)
Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Fall Finale: Jimmy Fallon hosts, and that nice young man Michael Buble sings. Who wants to bet the sound will be fucked up in the opening sketch yet again? No wagers from anyone at CW30.
Also new Saturday: CWMA Country Christmas (ABC); Frosty the Snowman, Frosty Returns, The Story of Santa Claus (CBS); America’s Most Wanted: U.S. Marshals Edition (Fox); WWE Salute to the Troops (USA); Too Cute! Baby Sloths (Animal Planet); Graham Norton Show (BBC America)
Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Season Finale: Season Finale: In the ultimate surprise twist, the winner of Survivor: South Pacific will be neither Coach nor Ozzy (and certainly not that idiot Brandon), but Angelea from the recently-completed season of America’s Next Top Model. You may not get it, but reality-TV blogs are blowing up right now. #Angelea
Dexter, Homeland (Showtime) Season Finales: So the whole “Doomsday Killer” arc has nearly fizzled in the homestretch of Dexter’s sixth season, and the side plots haven’t gone much better (Deb has to be the worst Miami Metro cop boss since, well, the last one). And what’s with killing off the most interesting guest stars (Mos Def and Molly Parker) so early? Travis (Colin Hanks) and Dex (Michael C. Hall) are at least headed for a typically epic serial-killer smackdown finale, and those only disappoint in prime-numbered seasons—am I right, mathletes? Similarly, new international-terrorism soap Homeland has careened from iffy to gripping to slippery over the previous 11 episodes, and it’s tough to imagine how they’re going to tie it up, much less set it up for the second season that’s already been ordered. Somebody exhume Jack Bauer, quick.
Also new Sunday:
Allen Gregory (season/series finale, Fox); Geek Love, All-American Muslim (TLC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Chef Roble & Co. (Bravo); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Leverage (TNT)
Obligatory blog question: So what are you going to watch this weekend?
What’s new tonight:
Psych (USA) Season Finale: Shawn and Juliet’s romantic getaway (at “Neil Simon’s Lovers Retreat,” one might gather from the episode title) is wrecked by a robbery, a murder and Shawn’s premature ejaculation … no, wait, just the first two. They’ve learned to work around the other thing.
Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 (ABC) Would you believe, the Kardashians, Simon Cowell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family), Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Katy Perry and Pippa Middleton? That doesn’t even add up to 10! WT Fuck?
Lady Hoggers (A&E) Season Finale: In other Shows I Didn’t Even Know Existed news, Lady Hoggers concludes its first season with, presumably, some ladies doing a bit of hogging. That’s what I got; they can’t all be gems.
American Horror Story (FX) Penultimate Episode: Means “next to last,” kids. Tonight, Violet and Tate try to kick some of the other ghosts out of the house, as some of them (OK, all of them) are just such DRA-MA queens. Oh, and Vivien finally gives birth to those double demon babies, thus kicking off The Apocalypse and daring next week’s season finale to top this shit.
Also new tonight: Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor, I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); The Real World (MTV); State of Play (BBC America); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); The Soup (E!)
American Horror Story: The end (literally) is near …
What’s new tonight:
Raising Hope (Fox) Christmas Ep/Fall Finale: Last year’s shiny new comedy has become this season’s afterthought thanks to New Girl—but Raising Hope is still funny as hell. Even a tired ol’ It’s a Wonderful Life holiday twist works for this show, as tonight the family learns what life would be like without lil’ Hope. Bonus: The return of the kiddie’s criminal mom, Bijou Phillips. Merry Christmas, movie house!
Unforgettable (CBS) Fall Finale: A ghost hunter has been murdered, and it’s up to super-rememberer Carrie (Poppy Montgomery) to crack the case. Note: This is not a Christmas episode, even though a dead ghost hunter is exactly what I asked for from Santa.
The Conan One Hour Earlier Best of Spectacular (TBS) Special: Team Coco looks back on a year of basic-cable servitude with clips and surprise guests—hope they got George Lopez! Too soon?
Also new tonight: Last Man Standing (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS); The Biggest Loser (NBC); Glee, New Girl (Fox); Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Teen Mom 2, I Used to Be Fat (MTV); Storage Wars, Storage Wars: Texas (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen)
