TV Tonight: SNL, Miss America, Sexting in Suburbia

What’s new tonight:
Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter hosts, and inexplicable female pop flavor of the moment Lana Del Rey … sings? Mumbles? Stays awake for three minutes? At least she’s purdy …

2012 Miss America Pageant (ABC) The Bachelor’s Chris Harrison (“Ladies, there’s only one rose left”—no shit!) and nobody’s Brooke Burke host as America’s next high-profile DUI case is chosen from 53 contestants. Even better, it’s live from Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas! The Radisson was booked.

Sexting in Suburbia (Lifetime) Movie: Didn’t think Lifetime would be the first to work “sexting” into a title, but here it is: A distraught mom (Liz Vassey) investigates the cyberbullying-driven suicide of her teen daughter—which we’re just going to have to assume originated from sexting, in the suburbs. Cyberbullying in Suburbia just didn’t pop.

Also new tonight: 
Austin City Limits: Arcade Fire (PBS/KUED 7); Cops (Fox); Collision Earth (Syfy); A Taste of Romance (Hallmark); The Fades, Graham Norton Show (BBC America); My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet); Metal Evolution, That Metal Show (VH1 Classic)

Sexting in Suburbia, a cautionary tale … on a network watched by absolutely no teenagers …

TV Tonight: Fringe, Grimm, Portlandia, Real Time

What’s new tonight:
Fringe (Fox) Return: Watch it real hard, Fringers—this is likely the final season for the only true sci-fi series on network TV. Tonight, Peter travels to that Other Universe for a showdown with Walternate, and Olivia gets some troubling information from an Observer. See? The show’s not that hard to follow.

Grimm (NBC) Return: When a hyper-strong criminal literally breaks out of prison and sets out for revenge against those who locked him up, Nick (super)naturally assumes the guy must by one of them fairytale monsters. Hint: The episode is titled “Game Ogre.”

Portlandia (IFC) The Battlestar Galactica Episode: Meanwhile, on the non-monster-infested side of Portland, Fred and Carrie become obsessed with Battlestar Galactica to the point that they have to create their own fan-fiction sequel to the canceled series, and you won’t believe the guest stars they enlist to help. Well, you probably would, actually—seen Gaius Baltar in anything lately?

Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) Season Premiere: In the Season 10 (!) opener, Bill welcomes commentator David Frum, director Rob Reiner, Florida Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, documentary filmmaker/writer Alexandra Pelosi and former GOP presidential candidate/pizza magnate Herman Cain, whom Bill has mocked quite extensively. Should go fine.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) Series Finale: Canceled! Pack up the bullhorn, Pennington! What? It’ll be back as a series of specials? Fuck …

Also new tonight:
Chuck (NBC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Kitchen Nightmares (fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC); The Life & Times of Tim (HBO)

Even if you’re up on Fringe, this probably won’t tell you a damned thing:

TV Tonight: 30 Rock, The Finder, Rob, Up All Night

What’s new tonight:
30 Rock (NBC) Season Premiere: About fucking time. Consider everything NBC has canceled since the last new 30 Rock episode was aired in … May 2011. Anyway: In the Season 6 premiere, Jenna becomes a hit as a kiddie-berating judge on a TV talent show, Liz tries to be more positive (not likely) and Kenneth preps for The Rapture (slightly more likely). Now let’s see if 30 Rock anchor the night as a lead-off series at 7 ... uh oh.

The Finder (Fox) Series Debut: Geoff Stults (7th Heaven) and Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile) star in the Bones spin-off about a witty-weird military vet and his large attorney who can find anything or anyone, anywhere or anytime—hence, The Finder. Female sidekick Saffron Burrows was fired after the within-Bones show introduction last year either due to her over-the-top-of-the-top Cockney accent or her height (over 6 feet). They would have been the tallest cast on TV, Fox!

Rob (CBS) Series Debut: It’s shit. Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Up All Night (NBC) New Night: Yes, the network has swapped Whitney and Up All Night, which kicks off its new timeslot with an oh-so-topical episode about New Year’s Eve. Hey, it’s funny—no one’s even going to notice.

Also new tonight: 
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Parks & Recreation, The Office, The Firm (NBC); Bones (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore (MTV)

How we first met The Finder last year, with nary a trace of Saffron Burrows:

TV Tonight: Are You There, Chelsea?

What’s new tonight: 
Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) Series Debut: Batting clean-up after the newly-relocated Whitney, it’s the new Are You There, Chelsea? aka The Sitcom Formerly Known As Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. NBC is calling the combo Happy Hour—not Harpy Hour, you Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings haters. Me, I’m still one of the very few who actually like Whitney (the comedienne and the series), but Chelsea is a tougher sell: We’ve already had half a season of Whitney and 2 Broke Girls, do we really need another Beeotches Be Obnoxious sitcom? Going by Chelsea’s pilot, probably not. Handler’s funny as hell on cable, but forcing her into a watered-down network sitcom role (playing her own older sister, as Laura Prepon plays Chelsea … wha?) has Huge Fucking Compromise written all over it. Shoulda sold it to Showtime, Chels.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); The People’s Choice Awards (CBS); Whitney, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); Mobbed (Fox); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Toddlers & Tiaras, I Cloned My Pet (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); State of Play (BBC America); True Life (MTV); The Soup (E!)

Back when Are You There, Chelsea? still had her Vodka:

TV Tonight: 24 Hour Catwalk, Dance Moms, Body of Proof

What’s new tonight:
24 Hour Catwalk (Lifetime) New Series: This debuted last Thursday after the season premiere of Project Runway All Stars—yeah, it made that much of an impression. In 24 Hour Catwalk (named so because host Alexa Chung looks like a wet cat, I’m assuming), aspiring designers have—you guessed it—24 hours to stitch together a clothing line and, of course, cause as much sewing room DRA-MA as possible. But, seriously: Who the fuck is Alexa Chung?

Dance Moms (Lifetime) Season Premiere: The surprise cable hit of 2011 is back! If you find Toddlers & Tiaras to be just be a little too “thinky” and “dignified,” Dance Moms (starring Loud! Now! Brown! Cow! instructor Abby Lee Miller) is for you! Lick it up, ‘Merica.

Body of Proof (ABC) Watch It While You Can: Biz buzz has it that ABC’s MILF-tastic crime drama Body of Proof is headed for the ol’ TV glue factory after Season 2 wraps—which means we (meaning, myself and a few hundred other viewers) only have several months/weeks/minutes left with Dana Delaney and Jeri Ryan. Same goes for Poppy Montgomery’s Unforgettable over on CBS; Maria Bello’s Prime Suspect is already long gone from NBC. This just ain’t the season for lady cops, apparently.

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing, Work It, Celebrity Wife Swap: Flavor Flav & Dee Snider (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Tabatha Takes Over (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars, Storage Wars Texas (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Extreme Couponing All Stars (TLC)

How many millions watched Dance Moms last year? WT Fuck?

TV Tonight: Californication Replay

Forgot to pirate the neighbor’s cable and missed the Season 5 premiere of Californication last night? Showtime’s posted it (albeit in edited form) on YouTube, and it’s worth it for guest star RZA’s nearly-intelligible bon mots. Enjoy:



New tonight:
The Bachelor, Castle (ABC); Who’s Still Standing, Fear Factor, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); House (Fox); Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); Pawn Stars (History); Scouted (E!); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World (Bravo); The Mortified Sessions (Sundance); Caged (MTV)

TV Weekend: Supernatural, Portlandia, House of Lies, Downton Abbey & More

What’s new this weekend:
Supernatural (The CW, tonight) Return: In “Adventures in Babysitting” (!), Sam helps a teen girl find, coincidentally, her supernatural-investigator father and, of course, runs into some crazy hell-bitch trouble. Meanwhile, Dean is on the hunt for … Dick Roman. Has he called Mo’s Tavern?



Portlandia (IFC, tonight) Season Premiere: Read it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC, tonight) Season Premiere: Read it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon (NBC, tonight) J-Fal welcomes actor David Duchovny (Californication) and band Wild Flag (featuring Portlandia’s Carrie Brownstein). Watch-my-show pimpin’ ahoy!



Also new tonight:
Chuck (NBC); Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Nikita (The CW); Wizards of Waverly Place (Disney); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); America’s Most Wanted (Lifetime); The Life & Times of Tim (HBO)

New Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Charles Barkley & Kelly Clarkson (NBC/CW30); Cops (Fox); My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet); Fixing Pete (Hallmark); Graham Norton Show (BBC America); Metal Evolution: Grunge (VH1 Classic)

The Firm (NBC, Sunday) Series Debut: Remember that John Grisham novel? Or the Tom Cruise movie? So now it’s a TV show, and it stars Josh Lucas of Sweet Home Alabama and Poseidon fame. Not enough star power for ya? The Firm also has Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica), Molly Parker (Deadwood) and Juliette Lewis (Juliette & The Licks and every movie from the ‘90s).



Downton Abbey (PBS, Sunday) Season Premiere: Apparently, this show is a big deal and I’m obliged to write something about it. So … done.

Absolutely Fabulous (BBC America, Sunday) Season Premiere: Not only are Patsy and Edina still alive, but they’re cranking out a whole new season of Ab Fab! Well, three episodes. Lazy Brits.

Shameless, Californication, House of Lies (Showtime, Sunday) Season Premieres, Series Debut: Read it at CityWeekly.net (Items 3, 4  & 5).

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives (ABC); The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, The Cleveland Show, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Baseball Wives (VH1); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Tom Papa: Live in New York (Comedy Central); Robot Chicken (Adult Swim); Leverage (TNT); Angry Boys (HBO)

TV Tonight: Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Jersey Shore

What's new tonight:
The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Return: Says here, “Klaus uses violence to convey that no one will be safe until he gets his family back, Tyler tries to cope with recent changes, and Alaric meets a beautiful doctor who is intrigued by his ability to heal.” Unfortunately, said doc is Torrey DeVitto, not Rachel Bilson—really had my hopes up for a Vampire Diaries/Hart of Dixie crossover and/or bloodbath.

The Secret Circle (The CW) Return: Says here, "Cassie shares a deep secret with Adam, Faye asks a mysterious stranger (Grey Damon) for help with a spell, and Diana is ecstatic when her grandmother visits." Fortunately, said nana is Stepfanie Kramer—Dee Dee McCall from Hunter! Wiki it, kids …

Jersey Shore (MTV) Season Premiere: Yes, already. For Season 5 (!), the guido gang is back in New Jersey and, wouldn’t ya know it?, they’re already drunk and fighting. Isn’t it time to move this nostalgia act over to TV Land?

Also new tonight:
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC)

Oh, the drama of The Vampire Diaries! 

TV Tonight: Portlandia! Sort of

IFC has made the second episode of the upcoming second season of Portlandia available online, in its entirety! Why? Don’t ask stupid questions, just watch it now and again on real TV on Jan. 13—you Battlestar Galactica nuts will especially enjoy the cameos in “One Moore Episode”:



Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); I Get That a Lot (CBS); Mobbed (Fox); Top Chef Texas (Bravo); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); State of Play (BBC America); True Life (MTV); The Soup (E!)

TV Tonight: Work It, Celebrity Wife Swap, Jane by Design

What’s new tonight:
Work It (ABC) Series Debut: This is really happening. A sitcom about two dudes who, for whatever reason, have to dress up as women to land jobs as pharmaceutical reps. I know, I can’t believe I resisted the “Hand-jobs behind Taco Bell?” joke, either. There’s no question that Work It is already the worst new show of the season—but can it go the distance to become The Worst of 2012? Or even The Worst of the 2000s? I’m a believer; I say yes.

Celebrity Wife Swap (ABC) Series Debut: What took so long? How has TLC not already produced this show? Tonight, in the first of what’s sure to be dozens of enlightening household tradeoffs, the wife of not-at-all-loony actor Gary Busey switches places with the wife of disgraced ex-evangelist Ted Haggard. You’d think these poor wives would take to opportunity to just skip the country and never look back, right?

Jane by Design (ABC Family) Series Debut: In what is either a ripped-off Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead subplot or a ripped-off Arrested Development subplot, 16-year-old Jane is mistaken for an adult and hired as an assistant to a big-deal fashion exec (Andie McDowell). Sure, there’s totally enough material here for a series, not a just a movie-of-the-week.

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Switched at Birth (ABC Family); Storage Wars (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Chopped (Food Network); Extreme Couponing All-Stars (TLC); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen); The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret: Season 1 Recap Special(IFC)

This Work It trailer features no hand-jobs, behind Taco Bell or elsewhere: