Canceled!
Didn’t fire up the True TV Fall Death Watch this year; I let the hundred or so geeks who fake-bet at BrilliantButCancelled.com handle that. CBS’ Smith (Ray Liotta as Master Criminal, Virginia Madsen as Unsuspecting Wife) became the first cancellation of the 2006-07 season; Runaway (Donnie Wahlberg and family on the lam) became The CW’s first cancellation ever; Happy Hour (Fox) and Kidnapped (NBC) are dead shows walking. The odds at BrilliantButCancelled.com say Anne Heche’s still-on-this-side-of-annoying Men in Trees (ABC) will drop next, even if the still-on-this-side-of-sucking ratings don’t back ‘em up. Can we get NBC’s Twenty Excruciating Minutes—I mean Twenty Good Years—up on that board already?
Not Canceled!
On the flipside, excellent new shows Heroes (NBC) and Ugly Betty (ABC) have already been given full-season pickups, as have CBS’ middling Jericho and Shark, The CW’s middling-er The Game and ABC’s perfect storm of cheese-grating melodrama and dartboard casting, Brothers & Sisters. Also picked up was second-season CBS “vet” Close to Home, which segues nicely into …
CBS Friday Night
Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home and Num3rs: Same lineup block as last year, same damn-good-for-Friday ratings, same storylines far as I can tell—who’s watching this three-hour thrilla in vanilla? Ghost Whisperer killed off sidekick Aisha Tyler at the end of last season, presumably to give more screen time to the dynamic threesome of Jennifer Love Hewitt (ah, boob jokes—good to have ya back); Closer to Home killed off star Jennifer Finnigan’s husband around the same time; Numb3rs hasn’t killed off anyone, but I have a prime number of at least five candidates should they get around to it.
Saxondale
Fridays (BBC America)
Like his previous outings Knowing Me, Knowing You and I’m Alan Partridge, Steve Coogan’s Saxondale wrings hilarity out of nowhere-fast situations—and this is the most nowhere yet. His Tommy Saxondale is a burnout roadie retired to suburban life as an exterminator, but still kicking against the pricks with a sweet banana-yellow Mustang and jaw-dropping jags of outrage that careen wildly from scholarly articulation to blithering rock-damaged blather. Knowing Alan who?
ABC Monday Night
The good news: Not many are watching Wife Swap and The Bachelor, and even fewer of those pinheads are sticking around for What About Brian. The WTF? news: Brian, even with that drop-off, is still beating NBC’s far superior Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, which is now losing half (!) the lead-out audience of new mega-hit Heroes. Didn’t The Only TV Column That Matters™ predict that Heroes would be too high-concept to catch on, while Studio 60 would become the new smart-sustaining West Wing? Another reason to ditch the Death Watch—I suck. And, I’ll admit to keeping up with What About Brian, but only through ABC.com, where they digitally distill an entire episode into three easy-on-the-brain-cells minutes. Give me convenience or give me …
Weeds
Monday 10.30 (Showtime)
Season Finale: While Showtime’s serial-killer serial Dexter (which I hear is killer) completely snuck by me, I’ve at least kept tabs on Weeds. The funny has been there for most of this second season, if not much focus and direction … oh yeah, it’s a TV show about marijuana … deep … where was I? Mary-Louise Parker can do no wrong, and the fact that a dramedy about a pot-dealing soccer mom has gone this long with so little outrage either proves that Mary Jane is now mainstream, or Showtime still isn’t. Me, I like Showtime under the radar—where else are you going to get drug dealers and murderers as charming protagonists? Besides C-Span?DVD This Week
Beavis & Butt-Head: The Mike Judge Collection
As in, the Special Collectors Edition: Vols. 1-3 and the timeless theatrical classic Beavis & Butt-Head Do America. If you bought any before, you’re a dumbass—says so on the shiny gold box: “To own it is to know the satisfaction and peace of mind of never having to pay for Beavis & Butt-Head again.” Paramount.com
The OC: Season 3
Usually, Jumping the Shark is reserved for individual events or episodes—The OC did it every week for an entire season! The rehab scammer, the psycho Dean, Julie in a trailer, Marissa in the ‘hood, surfin’ Johnny, Taylor Townsend, where to begin? Next season, maybe. WarnerBros.com
Slither
Could a horror flick with cameos by Lloyd Kaufman, Pam from The Office and musical-theater-literate zombies suck? Hell no, as Slither—a bloody/funny buffet of B-movie camp and circumstance—proved to a dozen theatergoers in March. Nathan Fillion is God. Or Bruce Campbell. NBCUniversalStore.com
That’s My Bush! Season 1
President Dubya as a bumbling sitcom star … laugh or cringe, citizens. Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s brief 2001 series was more a satire of TV comedy clichés than the presidency (could have been That’s My Gore!), but just imagine what they could have done with five more years of material … scary. ComedyCentral.com
More New DVD Releases (10.24)
I’m Alan Partridge: Season 1, The L Word: Season 3, Mini’s First Time, Nacho Libre, Nightmares & Dreamscapes, SNL: The Best of Saturday TV Funhouse
BROADBAND
Gore/Robbins 2008
Around six minutes into a speaking appearance taped in February, motivational guru Tony Robbins (on a loose, profane roll) tosses out the excuses for not achieving goals: “Didn’t have the time, money, contacts …” A voice from the front row adds, “the Supreme Court.” It’s Al Gore. Robbins then says Gore, with more of that Inconvenient Truth passion, “could have beat his ass.”
Scandalicious
Country MILF Sara Evans quits ABC’s Dancing With the Stars to direct her attention to reaming soon-to-be-ex-husband Craig Schelske, who would apparently really enjoy it. Allegedly, Craiggers has stored thousands of JPEGs of himself throttling his turgid manhood on the family computer, solicited backdoor sex through CraigsList (you really can get everything on there) and gotten boozy and abuse-y with Evans on occasion. Coincidentally, he’s also a (wait for it) right-wing Republican crusader. On the upside, Evans’ next release should be the best country album ever. Best New Show (This Minute)
Frisky Dingo on Adult Swim: Why would an evil supervillian need a marketing plan (and all the receipts) for the annihilation of the planet and mankind? And why the hell is it called Frisky Dingo? Who cares? At least I’ll miss Sealab 2021 a little less …
Full-Season Jacket
ABC’s Ugly Betty (cool show) and Brothers & Sisters (melodramatic crapola) have been granted full-season pickups, along with CBS’ Jericho (I’m still rooting for the apocalypse) and NBC’s Heroes (great series that gets better every week—thus increasing that Jump the Shark dread). Meanwhile, the odds at BrilliantButCancelled.com say the next network kill (besides Smith, Kidnapped and Happy Hour, all virtual goners) will be … ABC’s Men in Trees. Sigh. Not that I watch it on Friday night like a big girl or anything—I TiVo it and watch it Saturday morning over a heaping plate of manly bacon while doing curls with one hand and pounding a beer with the other.
Psych!
The season premiere of Las Vegas (see 10.13 entry below) has been pushed back from Oct. 21 to the following Friday so NBC can squeeze more mileage out of tardfest game shows Deal or No Deal and 1 vs. 100. Fine with me, since it would conflict with Men in Trees, anyway … I mean, bring on the titties and dice!
Why YouTube Kicks So Much Unholy AssThe Office’s Jim & Pam on the Rated-R tip.
Monday 10.9
How I Met Your Mother/The Class: CBS flipped ‘em and Mr. TiVo skipped the first 15 of Mother—luckily, CBS’ InnerTube had the full episode, because this show’s all about the details. It’s like Pulp Fiction with a (well-earned) laugh track. As for The Class: From critical Fall Season darling to Monday-night liability in under a month? Kill off some characters, this boat is too crowded—start with the newswoman, her gay ex-boyfriend and her even gayer husband (Sam fucking Harris! The original ‘80s Star Search winner! Miss the mullet, Sam).
Heroes/Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: On Heroes (continues to be a hit; I continue to be happily stunned), Supercheerleader got jacked. Hard. Gotta be tough to bounce back from your own autopsy. Studio 60 seems to be inching closer to the shark-tank ramp every week, but it still blows away everything else on network TV right now (including kindred NBC cousin 30 Rock—more on that in a few clicks). This ep about a stolen joke and scrambling to cover ass for “The West Coast Feed” was probably the most inside-baseball yet, and it still dazzled. Laughed every time at “The bear said, ‘Raaar!’”
Tuesday 10.10
Gilmore Girls/Veronica Mars: Yes, Lorelei is phoning it in—maybe even texting it in. She’s completely given up on everything but her hair, apparently. And the fact that post-teen Lane is really played by a 30-something actress is becoming waaay too obvious. Gonna be a long, desperate final season. Prospects are brighter on Veronica Mars, which is as strong as ever despite subliminal dumbing-down for The CW audience (there is one … somewhere).
Wednesday 10.11
30 Rock/Twenty Good Years: May have been premature in declaring that 30 Rock would outlast Studio 60: The latter pulls such an upscale smarty-rich demo that it’ll probably coast for a couple of years on NBC even if the ratings slip; the former tanked ratings-wise on its Wednesday debut, but mostly because everyone thinks NBC quit programming Hump Day after moving Law & Order Classic to Fridays (“They just do an MSNBC news-crawl all night, don’t they?”). It’s still funny, though—and Twenty Good Years is still pure shit. Just so we’re clear.
Lost/The Nine: The Lost: Season 3 DVD isn’t out yet—we’re only three goddamn episodes into it, so quit asking (only a slight exaggeration). The Nine is clipping along at a frighteningly fast pace, like ABC knows something we don’t but can easily guess: It’s dark and it ain’t holding the Lost audience, so let’s get it over with by the holidays so we can trim down the Christmas party guest list.
Thursday 10.12
My Name is Earl/The Office: Sadly, My Name is Earl seems to be losing it as quickly as The Office is becoming Legendary (capital L, suckas). Earl wasted a slam-dunk guest in Amy Sedaris (Amy! Sedaris!), but The Office killed with the same ol’ cubicle folk. Without Jim around, Pam seems to be getting more diabolical just to keep herself amused/sane (the Million Dollar Baby “grief” story, so left-field perfect it hurt). But, this Tale of Two Offices can’t go on forever; bring Jim back to Scranton. Hell, bring Karen, too—Pam’s obviously ready to throw down.
TV
Major League Baseball
All the Damned Time (Fox)
Nobody’s watching it (well, slightly more nobodies than are tuning into The CW), so I certainly hope Fox gets an assload of cash from Major League Baseball to throw this annual October beanball straight at their “hot” new fall shows. Actually, no I don’t: Vanished? Title says it all. ‘Til Death and Happy Hour? Didn’t even expect ‘em to make it through September. Justice and Standoff? Uh … which one had the Office Space guy and the Firefly chick? That one sucks only moderately. And don’t forget Spike Feresten … oh, you already have.
Desire, Fashion House
Weeknights (MyNetworkTV)
When new syndication fare comes along that makes you fully appreciate the masterful writing and production of daytime soap operas (tune in sometime; it’s amazing how many veteran characters still look better than you did back in the Bush 1 days), maybe it’s time to consider The Greg Behrendt Show … OK, nothing that drastic. MyNetworkTV’s telenovela knockoffs Desire and Fashion House (about desire and fashion, I believe) are almost as sexy as giving yourself a late-night “stranger” after chugging a pint of peach schnapps. But only almost.
Las Vegas
Friday 10.20 (NBC)
Season Premiere: Speaking of soap operas, what’s going to happen on the fourth-season opener of Las Vegas? Yes, it’s really been on for four years—focus, people! At the end of last season, Ed (James Caan) had taken a bullet before Delinda’s sham wedding, but the more pressing question (Ed’s not dead, baby) is: What’s going become of those implausible Boston-to-Vegas crossovers with Crossing Jordan now that NBC has bumped Jordan for yet another game show, the short-bus hit 1 vs. 100? Perhaps I’ve put far more thought into this than the network. Scary.
Kidnapped
Saturday 10.21 (NBC)
New Timeslot: Saturday night’s all right for … nothing but reruns. The last time any network bothered to program Saturday primetime with new material, some chubby young thing was going down on Bill Clinton—that’s right, this weekend (Bubba’s still got it). NBC has kicked new under-performer Kidnapped to the Saturday-night curb; Medium will take over its vacated Wednesday slot in November. Why let Kidnapped play out its remaining 10 episodes instead of just canceling it? Brace yourself: They’ve run out of Law & Order repeats! The end is nigh!
Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Paranormal Project
Sunday 10.22 (VH1)
Season Premiere/Series Debut: Hey, I’m just as surprised as you are—what’s left to break, Bonaduce-wise? In “sober” Season 2, says VH1, “Danny transfers his obsessions with substances to an obsession with his wife, Gretchen.” You may have been better off with the curbside Screwdrivers, Dan-O: Gretch and Dr. Gary are just bringing you down, man! Embrace the darkness! And bring the cameras! As for Celebrity Paranormal Project, if you can’t wait to watch Rachel Hunter, Gary Busey, Gilbert Gottfried, Traci Bingham and David Carradine pile into the Mystery Machine and chase ghosts, Mr. Bonaduce would like to make a discreet purchase from you.
House of Carters
Mondays (E!)
Here’s an idea: Fuck the Carters. Fuck Nick, Aaron, the sisters, fuck the whole stupid, spoiled, talentless, screechy family. And especially fuck those two pinheads who psychoanalyze each episode in the “Carters on the Couch” section of EOnline.com. Most of all, fuck me for actually going there and watching it.
South Park, Freak Show
Wednesdays (Comedy Central)
The first two episodes of the second half of South Park’s 10th season, “Make Love, Not Warcraft” (tweaking online gamers) and “The Mystery of the Urinal Deuce” (ditto, 9/11 conspiracy theorists), were pure genius; no other series—animated or not—can touch it for sheer pop-cultural immediacy. Comedy Central’s other new cartoon, Freak Show (which debuted along with the latest South Park batch on Oct. 4), is somewhat weak-sauce in the writing and animation, but features quite possibly the greatest superhero “freak” ever conceived: The Log Cabin Republican. Does he have power-texting abilities?
DVD
American Dreamz
A dark comedic hit-piece on American Idol and President Dubya? How was this not a hit? American Dreamz is almost up there with Wag the Dog in terms of brazenly nailing a political system and a pop culture gone annoyingly dumb; maybe it’ll become a cult item when it all finally goes to hell. NBCUniversalStore.com
Big Love: Season 1
Catch up on all the fuss, Utah! HBO’s intro season of a Sandy polygamist (Bill Paxton) and his three secret wives is surprisingly tense and comic, if not yet up to Sopranos levels of family-on-the-fringe drama. But, once Deadwood is gone (sigh), Big Love will become the Buzz TV Series. Mark it. HBO.com
The Break-Up
Vince Vaughn. Jennifer Aniston. Jason Bateman and Jon Favreau. Shoulda been hysterical. What the fuck? The Break-Up plays like an Oxygen TV movie with higher star wattage, long on Relationship Drama and short on actual laughs—hell, even Mr & Mrs. Smith was funnier. Upside: An Old 97s concert. NBCUniversal.com
La Femme Nikita: Season 5
The final season, as demanded by the fans: The 1997-2001 cable series was sleeker and darker than hot-spy successor Alias, and star Peta Wilson was more icily intimidating with a single look than Jennifer Garner ever was with an AK-47. WarnerBros.com
More New DVD Releases (10.17)
Cheaper by the Dozen 2, CSI: NY: Season 2, Starsky & Hutch: Season 4, That ‘70s Show: Season 5, They All Laughed, Wanda Sykes: Sick & Tired
BROADBAND
Nobody’s Watching For a sitcom that never was, Nobody’s Watching is generating as much Internet noise as any currently on the air (sorry, Tina Fey). “Derrick & Will” may never make a great TV comedy, but the Webisodes are time-killing office gold. NobodysWatching.tv
TV
Battlestar Galactica
Friday 10.6 (Sci-Fi)
Season Premiere: This could be the year where Battlestar Galactica finally breaks out of the sci-fi geek ghetto and penetrates the mainstream as a legit political drama. But then again, the mainstream's not all that bright, so probably not. As if the dense layers of storylines and characters weren't already enough to keep straight, BG ended the previous season by jumping ahead a full year after the colonization of New Caprica, just in time for a surprise Cylon invasion (yeah, we've lost the newbies already). Season 3 begins with another jump, three months after the Cylons' rediscovery of humanity's remnants (note to self: great band name), and the occupied-country parallels to our own reality are none to subtle—insurgents, suicide bombers, sketchy leadership, et al. And yes, Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff, playing out a freaky-funny Spy vs. Spy scenario with her Cylon captor Leoben in the season premiere) keeps the long hair for a few episodes, fanboys. If you dare dive in now, catch the Battlestar Galactica: The Story So Far recap special running on Sci-Fi, as well as SciFi.com, iTunes and soon (if NBC/Universal keeps up its current tech pace) a GE receiver chip in the base of your skull. Frak Lost—Battlestar rules. SciFi.com
Harvey Birdman, 12 Oz. Mouse
Sundays (Cartoon Network)
Both had their current season premieres already; The Only TV Column That Matters was too caught up in glamorous network matters to keep up with the late-night cartoons, sorry. Of all the series on Adult Swim (and it's getting packed in the pool), long-timer Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law is easily one of the most linear and consistently satisfying: Superhero becomes lawyer, represents other famous-to-obscure cartoon characters in court, case always closed in 15 minutes—like Boston Legal minus the other 45, plus Peter Potomus ("Did ya get that thing I sent ya?" = "Denny Crane!"). As for 12 Oz. Mouse ... has anyone ever watched this without liquid, pharmaceutical or herbal assistance? Just curious. AdultSwim.com
What About Brian
Monday 10.9 (ABC)
Season Premiere: It barely left an impression last spring, but compared to newer ABC crapola like Six Degrees, Monday-night returnee What About Brian smells like genius. Then, Brian (Barry Watson, and his hair) was the lone Single Guy in a group of couple-friends who were all experiencing oh-so-L.A. relationship troubles of their own—not the least of which being Brian's simmering secret crush on his best friend's fiancée, Marjorie (Sarah Lancaster, and her hair). The story left off with everything blowing up; it now continues six months later with a whole lotta scrambling and patching—like no one expected Season 2. It ain't bad, but Brian is nowhere near as gleefully dumb as Grey's Anatomy ... and therein lies the problem. ABC.com
30 Rock, Twenty Good Years
Wednesday 10.11 (NBC)
Series Debuts: By now, you've realized that Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a drama—and a damned fine one at that. Now comes that other NBC show about a fictional-but-not-really late-night TV series—30 Rock is a comedy, and a damned fine one at that. Former Saturday Night Live head writer Tina Fey stars as—who else?—head writer Liz Lemon, working for a seemingly demented new corporate boss (Alec Baldwin, almost stealing the show) who corners her into casting a very demented movie star (Tracy Morgan, definitely stealing the show) to juice ratings. The smart-but-safe pilot episode hints that 30 Rock could, given a full season to get weird, eventually equal NBC's unlikely comedy kings My Name is Earl and The Office. And its lead-out, the John Lithgow/Jeffrey Tambor geezer romp Twenty Good Years? Wasn't Third Rock From the Sun canceled for a reason? NBC.com
DVD
Andromeda: Slipstream Collection
The 2000-05 sci-fi series Andromeda slowly morphed into a Rush concept album, and Season 5 (the last) was the fallout after the drum solo. Firefly achieved more in 15 lean episodes than this did in 110, but that gritty final stretch nearly redeemed Hercules in Space—and Firefly didn't have Lexa Doig (oh yeah, the geeks know). ADVFilms.com
Medium: Season 2
Season 3 will get underway whenever NBC runs out of game shows—nice way to treat a hit. Patricia Arquette's psychic soccer mom solves more crimes than that weepy Ghost Whisperer, and risks more creative chills: Season 2 actually cast Kelsey Grammer as Death, and pulled it off! Paramount.com
Thank You for Smoking
Aaron Eckhart finally nails the Leading Man thing as a tobacco company spin-meister falling into a moral quandary—but he's far more charming pushing the death sticks. As are his big-name costars, all keeping this smart-dark comedy clicking. But then there's Katie Holmes ... what exactly did we ever see in her? FoxHome.com
X-Men 3: The Last Stand
Sure, X3 sucked in theaters, but the DVD has three different endings—maybe one of 'em comes with a refund. Brett Ratner's mutant dumb-over isn't all bad: there's action galore, plenty of Famke Janssen, it isn't Fantastic Four, etc. Plus, the immortal "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" FoxHome.com
More New DVD Releases (10.3)
Confidence, Edmond, Lewis Black: Red, White & Screwed, The Little Mermaid, Penn & Teller: Bullshit: Season 3, South Park: The Hits Vol. 1, Stargate SG-1: Season 9
BROADBAND
CSI: Ay: Ay:
Thank god for YouTubers with too much time on their hands: CSI re-imagined as a steamy telenovela, complete with a mariachi version of the theme song. Muy caliente, Gil! YouTube.com
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