TV Weekend: Nikita, Supernatural, SNL, Neverland

What’s new this weekend:
Nikita (The CW, tonight) Fall Finale: In the last episode until January, Alex finally makes her move against the Russians who had her family killed—if she can so easily beat the shit out of a roomful of goons, how come she can never even muss Nikita’s hair? Meanwhile, back in ‘Merica, Nik has to enlist black-box help from Owen because Michael’s still on his emo vacation, and pissed-off Amanda drops the hammer on Percy. Needless to say, not everyone’s issues are getting worked out tonight.



Supernatural (The CW, tonight) Fall Finale: Also out until January, Supernatural signs off for 2011 with a Bobby-centric episode … because that’s what the girls want, less Sam and Dean and more grizzled old dude.

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Game of Your Life (NBC); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); America’s Most Wanted, Starving Secrets With Tracey Gold (Lifetime); The Onion News Network (IFC); Boss (Starz)

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) Boardwalk Empire’s Steve Buscemi hosts and The Black Keys play. Finally, a solid host/band combo—don’t fuck it up, Steve!



Also new Saturday:
It’s a Wonderful Life (NBC); The Ultimate Fighter (Spike); Primevil, The Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

Neverland (Syfy, Sunday) Miniseries: No, it’s not about Michael Jackson’s ranch: Neverland is an epic miniseries prequel to Peter Pan, starring Keira Knightly, Rhys Ifans, Anna Friel, Bob Hoskins and Charlie Rowe. And, yes: Like most Syfy miniseries, it looks cool and it’s too long (Neverland concludes Monday night).



Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, The Cleveland Show (Fox); Robot Chicken (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Leverage (TNT); Boardwalk Empire, Hung (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

TV Tonight: Community, DUI, Weed Wars

What’s new tonight:
Community (NBC) Yes, It’s Still On: When Annie accidentally breaks Abed’s limited-edition Dark Knight DVD and pins it on an imaginary burglar, Abed goes into full-loon investigational mode—I know, who saw that coming? Meanwhile, Jeff and Shirley team up to take down some Foosball goons. And NBC might cancel this? Wha?

DUI (TLC) Series Debut: It’s like Cops, but just about the drunk drivers. Admit it—you’re so gonna watch this.

Weed Wars (Discovery) Series Debut: Over on TLC sister network Discovery, Weed Wars (not to be confused with Weeds or Whisker Wars) goes behind the scenes at medicinal marijuana shops—it’s like Pawn Stars, but with fewer Civil War coins some stoner found in the basement. Welcome to the world of Learning and Discovery, kids!

Also new tonight:
Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor, Bones (Fox); Project Accessory (Lifetime); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League (FX); Beavis & Butt-head, Good Vibes (MTV); Burn Notice (USA); Cathouse: Frisky Business (HBO); Gigolos, Dave’s Old Porn (Showtime)

Weed Wars even has a theme song by Snoop Dogg, yo!

TV Tonight: The Soup, I Hate My Teenage Daughter, Psych

What’s new tonight:
The Soup (E!) New Night: Of all E!’s questionable programming decisions, moving Friday-night mockery staple The Soup to Wednesdays is right up there with Kendra, Ice Loves Coco and the application of “News” to any show on the network. Wednesday is the most overloaded TV night of the week; piling on another appointment series is like demanding more flavors of Faygo at your neighborhood convenience store—you only need so many. Still, The Soup, and host Joel McHale (who may or may not be out of a job on NBC’s Community next fall), is Essential Television, and who watches “live” TV anymore, anyway? Who knows when the hell Chelsea Lately airs? Certainly not Chelsea Handler.

I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox) Series Debut: Fox was on a respectable sitcom mini-streak with Raising Hope (because it’s funny) and New Girl (because it’s … something), but that all ends with I Hate My Teenage Daughter, a laugh-tracked(!) throwback the network seems to have picked up at an ABC Family yard sale. Jaime Pressly plays a slightly toned-down, possibly medicated version of her Joy character from My Name Is Earl, but now her high-pitched redneckette is the divorcee mom to a slutbag mean girl—imagine Reba with the subtle Southern subtext replaced with an apparent line-yelling quota. Prediction: Dead by Christmas.

Psych (USA) Shatner! What else do you need to know? How William Shatner’s guest character falls into the grand narrative arc of Psych? Bitch, please.

Also new tonight:
Survivor: South Pacific, Grammy Nominations Concert Live (CBS); Christmas at Rockefeller Center, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Ghost Hunters (Syfy); The Real World (MTV); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Whitechapel (BBC America); Mythbusters (Discovery); Ricochet (TNT); Top Chef: Texas, Work of Art (Bravo); Baseball Wives (VH1); American Horror Story (FX)

The Shat hits the Psych, tonight:

TV Tonight: Victoria’s Secret, Ringer, Innocent, SOA

What’s new tonight:
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (CBS) Remember when this used to be controversial? A full advertorial hour of half-naked sticks walking the runway in ridiculous undies that no one will ever buy? Now, it’s just a holiday tradition, like Starbuck-induced diabetes and mistletoe panties. Oh, and don’t forget the shitty music, this year provided by Maroon 5, Kanye West and Nicki Minaj. Upside: Half-naked sticks walking the runway in ridiculous undies.

Ringer (The CW) Fall Finale: Does the let’s-take-a-break-till-January episode of troubled twins drama Ringer answer any questions, foremost being “Who’s still watching Ringer?” Not really, but Sarah Michelle Gellar’s former Buffy the Vampire Slayer co-star Amber Benson (Tara!) drops in for a visit—as a Stripper With a Heart of Gold. So there’s that.

Scott Turow’s Innocent (TNT) Movie: Sure, TNT’s getting into the original “mystery movie” business about 30 years late—but Innocent … sorry, Scott Turow’s Innocent … boasts the all-star cast of Bill Pullman, Alfred Molina, Marcia Gay Harden and nasty ol’ Lorena from True Blood (Mariana Klaveno)! And it’s full of that courtroom drama your parents so enjoy.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Next-to-Last Episode: Last week, Opie let a little daylight through Clay—will he survive being shot? Will Jax and Tara finally get the fuck out of Dodge? Is it time for Big Otto to ride the lighting? Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight and watch it all unfold on the big screen at 8 pm—totally free. With beer.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up, Body of Proof (ABC); Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); Teen Mom 2, I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); WWE Smackdown, Sanctuary (Syfy); Storage Wars (A&E); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen); Covert Affairs (USA)

The intense intensity gets even intenser tonight on Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: The Closer, Bored to Death, Scouted

What’s new tonight:
The Closer (TNT) Fall Premiere: The Mouth of the South, LAPD chief Brenda Johnson (Kyra Sedgwick), is headed for the last roundup, the first of the five final Season 7 episodes kicking off tonight. You may not have known The Closer was still on, but your mom does.

Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) Fall Premiere: Your mom also knows about Rizzoli & Isles, and she’s adamant that these crime-solvin’ ladies (Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander) aren’t lesbians. So don’t even bring it up.

Bored to Death (HBO) Season Finale: While Hung is the most fully realized comedy on HBO right now, Bored to Death is its flat-out weirdest: Where else would you get a love triangle that includes Zack Galifianakis and Olympia Dukakis, weed-smokin’ Ted Danson in a restaurant war with Oliver Platt and a guest shot by Dick Cavett, all in the same season? More so than any other series, comedy or drama, Bored to Death unfolds with the fluidity of a jazz score, making even the most bizarre situations seem like just another plausible day in Brooklyn. Here’s hoping HBO picks it up for a fourth season next year; Jason Schwartzman (as writer/unlicensed detective Jonathan Ames) will likely never be better than he is here.

Scouted (E!) Series Debut: Scouts grab pretty people off the streets and turn them into models—not against their will, although that would make for a far more interesting reality series. Scouted also has some sort of vague Utah connection I couldn’t give less of a fuck about.

Also new tonight:
Shrek the Halls, You Deserve It (ABC); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); Hoarders (A&E); Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Pawn Stars (History); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Tribute to Ryan Dunn (MTV), Urban Legends (Syfy); Enlightened (HBO)

It’s a (small) army of Super Rays to the rescue on Bored to Death! 

TV Weekend: Hoops & Yoyo, Dear Santa, Leverage, Walking Dead

What’s new this weekend:
Hoops & Yoyo Ruin Christmas (CBS, tonight) Holiday Special: A pink cat and green bunny stow away on Santa’s sleigh and, somehow, cause a rift in the space-time continuum, thus sending them back in time to accidentally derail the destiny of a young Kris Kringle. I shit you not. We have enough Christmas cartoons now, right?

Also new tonight:
The Elf on a Shelf (CBS); Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Olive the Other Reindeer (The CW); Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse (TBS); Star Wars: The Clone Wars, ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); The Onion News Network (IFC); Boss (Starz)

Dear Santa (Lifetime, Saturday) Holiday Movie: A woman (Amy Acker of Angel and Dollhouse) intercepts a letter to Santa from a young girl wishing for a new mom. Naturally, the woman tracks down the widower and puts a plan in motion to become that new mom. Not creepy nor scary in the least.

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); Primevil (BBC America); Storm War (Syfy)

Wilson-Phillips: Still Holding On (TV Guide, Sunday) Series Debut: Riding the rediscovery wave thanks to Bridesmaids (yeah, sure), ‘90s footnote Wilson-Phillips discover that juggling family life and recording a “comeback” album that absolutely no one wants to hear ain’t easy. Oh, and TV Guide is a real channel.

Leverage (TNT, Sunday) Winter Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Midseason Finale: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith (ABC); The Amazing Race (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); Soul Train Awards (BET); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

Lest you don’t believe me that Wilson-Phillips: Still Holding On is real:

TV Tonight: Modern Family, Survivor, ANTM, AHS

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) Thanksgiving Episode: A former neighborhood kid (The Book of Mormon’s Josh Gadd) returns as a Internet millionaire (what is this, 1997?), causing Phil to ponder why he’s not more successful—which, of course, he’ll be over by the end of the episode when counts his blessings over a misty montage … oh, spoiler? That’s how every episode ends.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Greatest Hits/Filler Episode: Gather the family ‘round to watch half-naked attention whores fight and backstab their way to a big cash prize!

American Horror Story (FX) The identity of the Rubber Man is finally revealed, as is, presumably, his reasoning for stealth-raping/impregnating Vivien (Connie Britton). And then, things get stabby. Yes, just another feel-good Thanksgiving episode for the night.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Up All Night, The Biggest Loser (NBC); The X Factor, Mobbed (Fox); Whitechapel (BBC America); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo)

Happy Thanksgiving from American Horror Story: 

TV Tonight: Dancing With the Stars, Workaholics, SOA

What’s new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars (ABC) Two-Hour Season Finale: So this shit is finally over—is Nancy Grace still in the running/hoofing? No? Then I really don’t care. Even worse, DWTS is bumping Body of Proof, ABC’s only non-crap Tuesday series, tonight. At least I still have …

Workaholics (Comedy Central) Season Finale: In a conveniently-timed Thanksgiving episode, the guys decide to spend Turkey Day at Hedonism II, thus ensuring half-naked babes and drunken debauchery—if Blake can score a passport in six hours, that is.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) After finding daddy Piney dead last week, Opie’s out to fuck somebody up tonight! And it’s Clay! Maybe Jax, too! Hell, he may kill all of SAMCRO and next season it’ll just be the Opie & Otto Show. If Otto survives this one, that is. Come watch it all blow up on the big screen tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm, totally free.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Man Up (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); 90210 (The CW); Mad Fashion (Bravo); Auction Hunters, Flip Men (Spike); I Used to Be Fat, Chelsea Settles (MTV); Storage Wars (A&E); Covert Affairs (USA)

Opie’s on the rampage and Tara’s in trouble on tonight’s Sons of Anarchy: 

TV Tonight: Castle, The Layover, Death Valley

What’s new tonight:
Castle (ABC) Remember how Det. Beckett (Stana Katic) got shot at the end of last season? And how it’s barely been addressed this season? That denial comes back to bite her in the narrow ass tonight when a sniper goes on a random citywide killing spree and Beckett’s PTSD conveniently kicks into high gear. Will the episode end with a tear-jerking, partners-gotta-have-each-other’s-backs speech from Castle (Nathan Fillion)? Have you never seen this show?

The Layover (Travel) Series Debut: International badass Anthony Bourdain finds stuff to do, see and eat during 24-48-hour layovers—presumably while filming his other show, No Reservations. First up: Singapore … oh, this oughta be good …

Death Valley (MTV) Season Finale: If that other zombie show has been spending too much time on talking about “feelings,” “relationships” and other bullshit for your tastes, you should give Death Valley a spin—there’s waaay more undead brain-splattering, and it’s intentionally funny, too. Of course, as with any show I actually like on MTV, it’ll probably be canceled after tonight to make room for Teen Mom 8. Damn it.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, You Deserve It (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); The Sing-Off, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Terra Nova, House (Fox); Hoarders (A&E); Bachelorette Party: Las Vegas (Oxygen); Basketball Wives LA, Love & Hip-Hop (VH1); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Cuff’d (MTV), Scare Tactics, Urban Legends (Syfy); Bored to Death, Enlightened (HBO)

Can you keep up with Anthony Bourdain on The Layover?

TV Weekend: Onion News, Grimm, Weirdo, AMAs

What’s new this weekend:
The Onion News Network (IFC, tonight) ONN is back on Friday nights, and anchor Brooke Alvarez is back from the Tired Hospital—just in time for The Fact Zone’s investigative series “Sex In America,” which is more than just a cheap ploy for ratings. But not much more. Welcome back, Brooke!

Grimm (NBC, tonight) It ain’t bad, but could Grimm be made better? Yes! Read how at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Chuck (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Women Who Rock (PBS); Star Wars: The Clone Wars, ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Sanctuary (Syfy); The Soup (E!); Boss (Starz)

Donald Glover: Weirdo (Comedy Central, Saturday) It’s a stand-up special with Troy from Community—which is not canceled … yet.

Also new Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Jason Segal w/ Florence & The Machine (NBC/CW30); Cops (Fox); Primevil, Graham Norton Show (BBC America)

2011 American Music Awards (ABC, Sunday) Every horrible, talentless musical act on the charts together in one place, including Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Marc Anthony, Christina Aguilera, Chris Brown, LMFAO and Nicki Minaj. Am I suggesting nuking the venue and instantly improving the country’s musical outlook? No, not at all. But you could gather some tips from …

Homeland (Showtime, Sunday) The home-soil terrorism drama is damned good, but could it be made even better? Yes! Read how at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 7 pm—only one more episode to go before the winter break, zombie enthusiasts.

Also new Sunday:
The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Allen Gregory, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra (E!); Robot Chicken, Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels, Talking Dead (AMC); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter (Showtime)

The next Walking Dead, which you should be watching at Brewvies: