Daytime Hell

Judge (Insert Name Here) Weekdays (Any Channel) There are now more judges on daytime TV then there are on the Supreme Court—I can’t back those numbers up, but I know you’re not going to research it. Unlike the Good Ol’ Days when there was only The People’s Court (which continues sans Judge Wapner, an artistic travesty akin to Van Halen without Michael Anthony—for the love!), now there’s wall-to-wall gavel jockeys presiding over heady nail-salon disputes and riveting playa-hata-vs.-baby-momma injunctions. Meanwhile, on Court TV, it’s … Beach Patrol? What’s gone wrong here?

The Rachael Ray Show Weekdays (KSL 5) Religions have been founded upon the hatred of Rachael Ray—go ahead, look it up, I have the stats on this one. But, “Retchel” (or “Raytard,” as some prefer) was also voted our second-most-trusted celebrity in a Forbes poll last year, between Tom Hanks and Michael J. Fox and far above the demon who spawned her, Oprah. This, of course, means that Queen O is behind the Rachael Ray Sucks movement. As for her show, all Ray seems to do is cook inedible meals real fast while squeaking/screaming through that Joker mouth while her audience orgasmically laps up it up like a combo cure for cancer and muffintop. In other words, a thousand times better her lead-out show, KSL’s blandtastic Studio 5.

The Megan Mullally Show Weekdays (Fox 13) The undisputed contender for the worst syndicated daytime talk show since Tony Danza … until she was cancelled, so catch those fascinating sit-downs with Barry Manilow and Antonio Sabato Jr. while you still can before The Megan Mullally Show is replaced with Judge Reinhold (it’s not just an Arrested Development gag—he really is the last Judge to not have a show greenlighted). Of all the things wrong with Mullally’s variety-chat trainwreck, her interviewing style—somewhere between Ellen DeGeneres and an unbalanced spin cycle—was probably its ultimate downfall. Well, that and the stiff competition from …

The Dr. Keith Ablow Show Weekdays (KJZZ 14) Make that just plain stiff: If this strip-mall Dr. Phil were any duller, he’d be a regular on Studio 5. Even when Ablow tries to spice up the show with salacious guest solicitations, it comes out like this (actual “Be on the Show” topic): “Do you worry about your young daughter idolizing stars like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton? Does your young daughter want to act like Britney and Paris by going out and wearing clothes like they do?” Are you still awake? Ask your pharmacist about Ablow, the best daytime sleep aid since the Zoloft Margarita (recipe on Rachel Ray’s Website).

Geraldo at Large Weekdays (Fox 13) Another syndie dog that’s long been cancelled but continues to take up space between Judge shows, Fox’s “news” magazine made the fatal mistake of including the name Geraldo in the title when Free Mustache Rides or Douche on the Loose would have enticed/tricked more viewers. Will somebody just bring back Hard Copy, already?

The Greg Behrendt Show Weekdays (Utah’s 24) Oh. My. Gawd. From talentless stand-up comedian to talentless author (He’s Just Not That Into You and some other identical book) to talentless talk-show host, it’s Greg Behrendt, renaissance hack. Mr. “Rock & Roll Comic” is what Dane Cook will be in 10 years should he suffer blunt-instrument brain damage, frost his tips and farm out his joke-writing to the coke-damaged chimp pools that service “Morning Zoo” radio shows—sure, that’s what housewives want in the afternoon. Apparently not: The Greg Behrendt Show pulls even lower ratings than the previously-mentioned cancelled talkers, which means it’s almost Uncomfortable Phone Call time: “Hi, Greg? It’s not you, it’s … OK, it is you. Can you have your shit out of the studio by five?”

DVD
The Puffy Chair A New York fuck-up drives to North Carolina to pick up a recliner he bought off eBay, needy girlfriend and childhood hang-ups in tow—pretty much everything you want in an indie flick. Critics say The Puffy Chair is everything Little Miss Sunshine shot for and missed … crazy critics. Netflix.com

Saw III Not that anyone’s likely to be jumping in at this point, but if you haven’t seen Saws I and II (and blogged extensively about ‘em), rent the lot and have yourself a bloody five hours—you deserve it. Remember, any slasher-movie franchise employing Shawnee Smith can’t be all bad. LionsGate.com

Sherrybaby A recovering drug addict (Maggie Gyllenhaal) gets out of prison and struggles to reconnect with her 5-year-old daughter in New Jersey—yes, it’s another feel-good indie. As always, Gyllenhaal nails it, even though Sherrybaby is essentially a grainy Lifetime movie with bonus sex and drugs. IFCFilms.com

Walker, Texas Ranger: Season 2 Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep … he waits. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch—he decides what time it is. Chuck Norris cannot love; he can only not kill. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus. Chuck Norris doesn’t want you to buy his DVD … he wants you to eat it. Paramount.com

More New DVD Releases (Jan. 23) Crooks, The Guardian, Hopeless Pictures: Season 1, The Invincible Iron Man, Jesus Camp, Kounterfeit, This Film is Not Yet Rated, The Waltons: Season 4

BROADBAND
Pirates of the Great Salt Lake Despite the setting and the presence of actor Kirby Heyborne, Pirates of the Great Salt Lake is not an LDS comedy—check the furiously fast trailer saturating the Internet: It’s actually funny … at least for two minutes.