Scartarded

I’ve finally found not one, but two shows on MTV I can watch without wishing for the Apocalypse! Human Giant is smart (more on this another time), but Scarred is pure idiot genius: Young dudes on boards, skis, blades and other “extreme sports” conveyances getting utterly fucked up while attempting to perform ridiculous stunts—for the cameras! This is Natural Selection in action. There’s the big build-up (“I totally knew I could pull this off”), the slow-motion approach (“Something was, like, wrong”), the impact (“I could feel my ankle snap in, dude, 40 places”), the screaming like a pussy (“Aaaauuugggh! Ooowww! Bleep!”) and the poignant music followed by “I sure won’t try that again … for a while.” During this, you’re either A. Cheering these “heroes” on or B. Wondering why these boneheads spend more on clothes and hair products than protective gear. Either way, big dumb fun! Mitigating factor: Host Jacoby Shaddix, a Hot Topic casualty who somehow manages to be even more annoying introducing video clips than fronting ‘90s grunt-rock leftovers Papa Roach. Proceed with caution. Or not, even better.