Mad Men: New Season 5 Trailers

The last new episode of Mad Men aired in October 2010—2010! October! Season 5 premieres Sunday, March 25, and AMC has three new sorta-peeks at what’s coming.

In classic advertising fashion, the trailers are cryptically simple; they could be selling cars, booze or condoms (they used those in the ‘60s, right?). Also, no new footage—what the hell have they been doing all this time? Anyway, enjoy at least something new related to Mad Men, and join True TV at Brewvies (677 S. 200 West, 21+) on March 25 to watch it for real on the big screen.

TV Weekend: Nikita, SNL, Eastbound & Down, Life’s Too Short

What’s new this weekend:
Nikita (The CW, tonight) Tonight, Nikita (Maggie Q) finally learns how Division began—exactly how this pertains to just blowing the place up remains to be seen, but there’s sure to be plenty of smoldering glances, shocked expressions and leather catsuits. Meanwhile, Alex (Lyndsy Fonseca) crashes a press conference and reveals that she’s a not-dead Russian heiress and demands her junkie mommy back. Ditto, smoldering glances, shocked expressions and leather catsuits.



Also new tonight: 
Shark Tank (ABC); Undercover Boss, A Gifted Man, Blue Bloods (CBS); NAACP Image Awards (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Supernatural (The CW); Merlin (Syfy); Portlandia (IFC); The Life & Times of Tim, Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz)

Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30, Saturday) Maya Rudolph (Up All Night, SNL) hosts and may or may not whip out her Whitney Houston impersonation. Also, hipsters Sleigh Bells “perform” “live” and look adorable.



Also new Saturday: 
The Firm (NBC); Cops (Fox); Oddities, An Idiot Abroad (Science); Parking Wars, Billy the Exterminator (A&E); The Fades, Graham Norton Show (BBC America); 2012: Ice Age (Syfy)

Eastbound & Down (HBO, Sunday) Season Premiere: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Life’s Too Short (HBO, Sunday) Series Debut: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

The Walking Dead (AMC) Join the big-screen throngs at Brewvies (677 S. 200 West, 21+), but show up early—seats go fast. People like free stuff, apparently.

Also new Sunday: 
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, The Cleveland Show, Napoleon Dynamite, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Downton Abbey (PBS/KUED 7); Comic Book Men, Talking Dead (AMC); Luck (HBO); Shameless, House of Lies, Californication (Showtime)

TV Tonight: Parks & Recreation – With Louis C.K.

What’s new tonight:
Parks & Recreation (NBC) Louis C.K. Alert: Remember Leslie’s (Amy Poehler) pre-Ben boyfriend from seasons past, Dave the cop (Louis C.K.)? Even though he’s now a big-shot comedian with his own critically-acclaimed cable series and download-able comedy concerts, he’s still made time to return to little ol’ Pawnee. Louis C.K., that is. Dave, he might hang around and become the police chief—if he skips that flight to Salt Lake City, that is. And really, who doesn’t skip that flight to Salt Lake City?

Also new tonight:
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rob, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); 30 Rock, The Office, Up All Night, The Firm (NBC); American Idol, The Finder (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); Jersey Shore, I Just Want My Pants Back (MTV); Archer, Unsupervised (FX), Delocated (Adult Swim)

TV Tonight: Survivor: One World

What’s new tonight:
Survivor: One World (CBS) Season Premiere: Returning for Season 75, Survivor is totally changing things up by putting both tribes in one camp and … that’s it? Oh, they’re also doing a whole women-vs.-men “Battle of the Sexes” thing, and Survivor is back on Samoa for the fourth time. Running out of ideas? How dare you even suggest such nonsense. Besides, just look how goddamned fascinating these swimsuit models (and token geezers) are:



Also new tonight: 
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Whitney, Are You There Chelsea?, Rock Center With Brian Williams, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); American Idol (Fox); One Tree Hill, Remodeled (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Hot In Cleveland (TV Land); The Challenge (MTV); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo); Royal Pains (USA); The Soup (E!)

TV Tonight: Cougar Town, Ringer, Justified

What’s new tonight:
Cougar Town (ABC) Season Premiere: Finally! Ill-conceived/received ABC sitcoms like Man Up and Work It have come and died in the nine months since Cougar Town has been off the air, displaced by the equally funny Happy Endings on Wednesdays, but it’s back! Now if Courteney Cox & Co. can just overcome the Last Man Standing lead-in—Tim Allen has already killed twice; just because Cougar Town is a smart, well-written and sharply-cast comedy doesn’t guarantee he can’t take this one down, too.

Ringer (The CW) It’s Still On: In honor of Valentine’s Day, tonight’s episode of increasingly-ridiculous twins-terror soap opera Ringer is titled … “Whores Don’t Make That Much.” OK, I just might have to Tivo it …

Justified, American Horror Story (FX) … Because I’ll be at Brewvies (677 S. 200 West, 21+) watching Justified and American Horror Story with a big-ass beer and a plate of nachos—and you can, too! Justified starts at 8 pm, followed by an Encore Presentation of the first season of American Horror Story at 9. Bring a date; it’s perfect for Valentine’s Day (and free).

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing, The River, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210 (The CW); 19 Kids & Counting (TLC); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Dance Moms (Lifetime); Ink Master (Spike); Tosh.0, Key & Peele (Comedy Central)

Cougar Town … it’s been too long …

TV Tonight: The River, Doomsday Preppers, Justified, AHS

What’s new tonight:
The River (ABC) Series Debut: A supernatural-tinged mystery series about being Lost in the wilderness? This is something entirely new for ABC. Beloved wildlife TV personality Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood) goes missing in the Amazon and is presumed deader than Steve Irwin—until his emergency beacon turns on six months later. When Emmet’s wife, son and a motley camera crew head into the rainforest to find him, bizarre incidents and gruesome deaths (documented shakily by said camera crew) ensue in Paranormal Activity-like fashion—coincidentally, The River was co-created by Paranormal Activity’s Oren Peli. The real selling point: It’s only eight episodes long.

Doomsday Preppers (NatGeo) Series Debut: Of the several dozen reality shows on former educational channels about toothless rednecks with shitty jobs currently piling up in the TV guide, Doomsday Preppers at least has a great title. It’s also perfectly self-explanatory: Rednecks are gearing up for the end of the world; here’s who you’ll be begging for rations when the apocalypse hits. Yeah, sorry.

Justified, American Horror Story (FX) Every Tuesday before the apocalypse, you can join me at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 pm for a beer and Justified on the big screen, followed by a Season 1 encore of American Horror Story at 9 (FX).

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Dance Moms (Lifetime), Undercover Princes (TLC); Inkmaster (Spike); Tosh.0, Key & Peele (Comedy Central); White Collar (USA)

Here’s how they roll on The River: 

TV Weekend: House of Lies vs. Mormons

House of Lies (Showtime, Sunday) In the getting-better-by-the-episode new Showtime series House of Lies Sunday, the PR team tries to expand the successful-but-stagnant business of a hotel chain in … Utah. You know what that means: Booze and Mormon jokes. The twists this time around: The LDS hotel CEO doesn’t like Marty (Don Cheadle), so it’s up to Jeannie (Kristen Bell) to close the deal (because he’s a racist, not a sexist), and Clyde (Ben Schwartz—Jean-Ralphio!) accepts the challenge of taking a Mormon gal’s virginity (anally, because apparently that’s cool with the Holy Ghost). What the fuck are the House of Lies writers reading about Mormonism? Still, pretty funny.



New tonight: 
Shark Tank (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Who Do You Think You Are?, Grimm (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Merlin (Syfy); Portlandia, the Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC); The Life & Times of Tim, Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO)

New Saturday: 
Saturday Night Live: Channing Tatum & Bon Iver (NBC/CW30); Cops (Fox); Austin City Limits: Wilco (PBS/KUED 7); An Idiot Abroad (Science); Metal Evolution (VH1)

New Sunday: 
Super Bowl 46, The Voice (NBC); Downton Abbey (PBS/KUED 7); The Puppy Bowl (Animal Planet); Luck (HBO); Shameless Californication (Showtime)

TV Tonight: Delocated, Not Community

What’s new tonight:
Delocated (Adult Swim) Season Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Not Community (Not NBC) It’s Not Back: But star Donald Glover has recorded a heartfelt PSA for the marginally-popular comedy that remains on indefinite “hiatus” and certainly not on NBC Thursdays. It's fucking serious. As he warns, “People have stopped laughing, bees have stopped producing honey and no one has died in the last 48 hours” (nice Torchwood shout-out). Please do what you can.



Also new tonight:
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Rob, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Up All Night, The Firm (NBC); American Idol, The Finder (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); Fat Chef (Food Network); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore, I Just Want My Pants Back (MTV); Archer, Unsupervised (FX)

Eastbound & Down: New Season 3 Trailer

Unlike True Blood, HBO's Eastbound & Down has released a real trailer for its upcoming season (which kicks off Sunday, Feb. 19). Because that's the kind of 1,000-proof kick-ass nitro Kenny Fucking Powers delivers.

Sadly, Season 3 is also the last for Eastbound & Down; subtitled "Getting Wet in Myrtle Beach," it follows our hero KFP (Danny McBride) as he returns to 'Merica from Mexican exile to pitch for the Myrtle Beach Mermen and make baseball the number-fucking-one sport on the face of the planet through the sheer power of his awesomeness.

Also along for the ride is Saturday Night Live's Jason Sudeikis, as well as returning guests Will Ferrell and Matthew McConaughey and, of course, Katy Mixon, who could use a break from that lesser CBS shitcom Mike & Molly. Here's the trailer—as Kenny says, you're welcome:

True Blood: New Season 5 Teaser

Note that it's a "teaser," not a trailer: This new HBO promo for the upcoming fifth season of vampire drama/soap/hot mess True Blood doesn't reveal much of anything plot-wise, but at least it looks cool. What else do ya want?

From the makers of Valentine’s Day & New Years Eve: MLK Day!

If you missed last night’s second episode of 30 Rock because it was in The Office’s timeslot (yeah, I don’t know why, either), you missed the trailer for MLK Day, an all-star romantic comedy/trainwreck “from the makers of Valentine’s Day and New Years Eve.” (And NBC parent company Universal—ha!)

Besides the usual stars like Emma Stone, Hugh Grant, Amy Adams, Liam Neeson and Jenna Maroney (30 Rock’s Jane Krakowski), MLK Day also features cameos from R2D2, rassler Mankind, and even Abu Ghraib celebrity Lynndie England! Fandango this now!

TV Tonight: Smash

But only on your computer box: The new Broadway-musical drama Smash doesn’t debut on real TV until Monday, Feb. 6, but NBC has made the entire pilot episode available online in advance, and it’s definitely worth checking out (full, mostly-glowing True TV review coming in the Feb. 2 issue of City Weekly). Remember: Fame costs, Leroy!

New tonight:
The Big Bang Theory, Rob (CBS); 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation, 30 Rock, Up All Night, The Firm (NBC); American Idol, The Finder (Fox); Fat Chef (Food Network); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore (MTV); Archer, Unsupervised (FX)

TV Tonight: Touch, Criminal Minds

What’s new tonight:
Touch (Fox) Sneak Preview: It doesn’t officially launch until March 19, but Touch (created by Heroes’ Tim Kring and starring Kiefer Sutherland) gets a special post-American Idol advance bump tonight. That, er, special audience may be initially put off by the complexity of the plot (Sutherland’s autistic 11-year-old son, who doesn’t speak, can predict world events through patterns in nature and numbers), but they’ll be sucked right back in by the weepy schmaltz (The kid helps people connect and reach their destinies! Dad’s a widower and a laid-off journalist working 18 blue-collar jobs! Danny Glover is a wise old man in a bathrobe!). Touch has the “global oneness” vibe of Kring’s Heroes, plus those Hallmark movie warm-fuzzies (“I hear you now!” Oh, Jack Bauer), so as long as it airs early before the grandparents doze off, expect Big Hit.

Criminal Minds (CBS) 150th Episode: Given that there’s a Criminal Minds rerun on at least one channel every hour of the TV day, I have a damned hard time believing that this is only the 150th episode the series has produced—I was thinking, more like 1,500. Tonight, the BAU team is hot on the trail of a serial rapist called … the Piano Man? Sorry, there’s no guest appearance by Billy Joel.

Also new tonight:
American Idol (Fox); CSI (CBS); Whitney, Are You There Chelsea? (NBC); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Mistresses (BBC America); The Challenge (MTV); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo); Royal Pains (USA); The Soup (E!)

Prepare to be Touched by a Kiefer …

TV Tonight: State of the Union Address, Justified

What’s new tonight:
State of the Union Address (Most Channels) President Obama will pre-empt most of your favorite shows tonight to tell you what you already know: We fucked. Oh, if only he were that gangsta. Me, I prefer the more direct message delivered here by Key & Peele—coincidentally, debuting a week from tonight on Comedy Central:



Justified (FX) State of the Union got ya down? Need a beer or five? Come to Brewvies (677 S. 200 West, 21+), where True TV will be presenting Justified on the big screen every Tuesday at 8 p.m., free and followed by an encore run of FX’s American Horror Story. It’s the right place to be.

Also new tonight:
The Biggest Loser (NBC); 90210, Remodeled (The CW); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Tabatha Takes Over (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars, Storage Wars Texas (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Dance Moms, 24 Hour Catwalk (Lifetime), Ink Master (Spike); White Collar (USA); Southland (TNT)

TV Tonight: The Bachelor - in Park City!

What’s new tonight:
The Bachelor (ABC) Tonight on Roses For My ‘Hos, er, The Bachelor, Ben takes his remaining desperate psychopaths, uh, potential soul mates, on a romantic horseback riding date in Park City. I know this, because PR flacks have been bombarding me left and right about the upcoming Utah! Episode! like these reality idiots are fucking royalty. What ABC isn’t disclosing: They didn’t disinfect the area after they left. Sundance attendees, beware.



Also new tonight:
Castle (ABC); Who’s Still Standing, Fear Factor, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); House, Alcatraz (Fox); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); Pawn Stars (History); Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game (ABC Family); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World (Bravo); Being Human, Lost Girl (Syfy)

TV Tonight: The Life & Times of Tim

What’s new tonight:
The Life & Times of Tim (HBO) You should really be watching The Life & Times of Tim—aside from FX’s Archer, it’s easily the funniest animated TV series outside of the Adult Swim realm. Hell, it’s funnier than most everything on AS, too. A preview of tonight's supreme awkwardness:



Also new tonight:
Chuck, Grimm (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Shark Tank (ABC); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); Portlandia, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO)

TV Tonight: Big Bang Theory, Archer, Unsupervised

What’s new tonight:
The Big Bang Theory (CBS) 100th Episode: What a momentous occasion! BBT must have something really special in store for this episode, right? A cool, unexpected twist for all the fans? Says here, “Leonard asks Penny out to dinner.” Fascinating.

Archer, Unsupervised (FX) Season Premiere, Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

When Girls Kill (E!) Special: E! goes all Dateline with the stories of four murderous teenage girls locked away for life—or, as they put it, “From the schoolyard to the prison yard.” Hey, at least it doesn’t involve any Kardashians.

Also new tonight:
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); Rob, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Up All Night, The Firm (NBC); American Idol, The Finder (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore (MTV)

More on that shocking, never-before-seen development on The Big Bang Theory: 

TV Tonight: Modern Fucking Family, American Idol, Royal Pains

What’s new tonight:
Modern Family (ABC) The Golden Globe-winning sitcom returns with Baby Lily saying “fuck” (actually an implied/bleeped version of “fudge”). Even though the fucking episode has yet to air, some fucking moral crusaders are trying to stop it—like that’s going to fucking happen. Grow the fuck up, shut the fuck up and let ABC thank you for all of the fucking free publicity, you fucking pussies.

American Idol (Fox) Season Premiere: Oh, and fuck this show, while we’re at it.

Royal Pains (USA) Winter Premiere: The other, non-Revenge Hamptons series returns, as Dr. Hank attends a “divorce party” to keep the party planner alive, and rich guy Kassabian is at death’s door (again). Overall, the Hamptons seems like a pretty dangerous place.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Whitney, Are You There Chelsea?, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Mistresses (BBC America); True Life (MTV); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo); The Soup (E!)

Couldn’t find a fucking Modern Family clip, so here’s some new Royal Pains: 

TV Tonight: Justified, Southland, Remodeled, Ink Master

What’s new tonight:
Justified (FX) Season Premiere: What to know about Season 3 of Justified: U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens (Timothy Olyphant) is watching his back for Bennetts more than ever after the death of family figurehead Mags; girlfriend Winona (Natalie Zea) is pregnant; Boyd (Walton Goggins) is still the worst/best friend to have; Boyd’s gal Ava (Joelle Carter) may or may not have survived that gunshot at the end of last season; and there’s a pickup-load of heavy-hitter guest stars coming to Harlan, Ky., (including Carla Gugino, Neal McDonough, Jere Burns and Dexter’s Desmond Harrington). If none of this makes sense, you need to get Seasons 1 and 2 now, and then come to Brewvies (677 S. 200 West, 21+), where True TV will be presenting Justified on the big screen every Tuesday at 8 p.m., free and followed by an encore run of FX’s American Horror Story. You’re welcome.

Southland (TNT) Season Premiere: The best gritty cop show about L.A. starring a former resident of The O.C. (Ben McKenzie) is back! In tonight’s Season 3 opener, freshly-rehabbed Cooper (Michael Cudlitz) gets a new partner, and it’s … Lucy Liu?

Remodeled (The CW) Series Debut: It’s like America’s Next Top Model meets Kitchen Nightmares: Modeling biz vet John Fischer travels to struggling little modeling agencies around the country and just tries to help—you know, by yelling at the agents and informing the models that they’re homely. So … where’s Ringer?

Ink Master (Spike) Series Debut: It’s like L.A. Ink meets Top Chef: Host Dave Navarro (!) pits 10 tattoo artists against each another in pen-to-pen competitions until one ultimately wins $100,000 and the prestigious, just-made-up title of Ink Master. Because if there’s one thing you want done under time constraints by a nervous artist, it’s a tattoo.

Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Celebrity Wife Swap, Body of Proof (ABC); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Tabatha Takes Over (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars, Storage Wars Texas (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Dance Moms, 24 Hour Catwalk (Lifetime), White Collar (USA)

Behold the awesomeness that is Justified: 

TV Tonight: Being Human, Lost Girl, Alcatraz, Off Their Rockers

What’s new tonight:
Being Human, Lost Girl (Syfy) Season Premiere, U.S. Debut: Against all expectations, last year’s Americanized remake of the British hit Being Human actually didn’t suck—still not sold on the vampire, but the ghost and the werewolf are worthy answers to their U.K. counterparts. The real find of Syfy’s newly branded “Powerful Mondays,” however, is Canadian import Lost Girl (above): An orphaned woman (Anna Silk) not only learns that she’s a human-draining succubus, but there’s an entire underworld of her kind, divided by a hard clan line of good and evil. She chooses to remain a free agent, taking on a human sidekick (Ksenia Solo) and becoming a supernatural private eye of sorts. Despite the been-there setup, Lost Girl’s odd mix of sex, violence, social politics and humor (provided mostly by Solo) suggests a budget Buffy relocated to Showtime. Who expected Syfy and Canada to deliver?

Alcatraz (Fox) Two-Hour Series Debut: Over 300 criminals who were supposedly transferred out of Alcatraz prison in 1963 suddenly begin appearing in the present day, un-aged and un-rehabilitated—and only a plays-by-her-own-rules San Francisco cop (Sarah Jones) and an Alcatraz historian (Jorge Garcia) can stop it. Well, them and a phantom-inmate-hunting secret agency housed in a high-tech “Batcave” underneath The Rock. Alcatraz is some heady, twisty stuff to drop midseason, but if it can overcome network audiences’ lame resistance to sci-fi—and cut back on characters gravely intoning “This … is Alcatraz”—it could become the next Lost instead of the next Fringe.

Betty White’s Off Their Rockers (NBC) Series Debut: Ho-ly fuck—I can’t top this show description from NBC: “Betty White’s Off Their Rockers is a hidden-camera comedy series that takes senior stereotypes and blows them out of the water with a cast of sassy septuagenarians who are hip, sexy and ready to party! America’s favorite comedy sweetheart sends a fearless band of senior citizens to the streets to pull shockingly hilarious pranks on the younger generation in this outrageously funny ‘hidden camera’ show unlike anything viewers have ever seen.” Last-place network no more!

Also new tonight:
The Bachelor, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); Betty White’s 90th Birthday: A Tribute to America’s Golden Girl, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Hart of Dixie, Gossip Girl (The CW); Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); Pawn Stars (History); Scouted (E!); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World (Bravo); The Mortified Sessions (Sundance); iCarly (Nickelodeon); Caged (MTV)

Straight outta Canada, it’s Lost Girl: 

TV Tonight: Golden Globes, Napoleon Dynamite, Robot Chicken

What’s new tonight:
The 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards (NBC) Ricky Gervais is back as your Mean Host—not necessarily Funny Host, as his bastard shtick tends to run out of steam after the first hour (note where all the best YouTube clips will come from tomorrow). On the TV noms side, why the hell are Enlightened and New Girl up for Best Comedy, but not Parks & Recreation? Fucking travesty. And, while I loves me some Callie Thorne, she deserved a Globe for Rescue Me, not tonight’s WTF-nominated Necessary Roughness. And where’s Louie? So many complaints, not enough coffee …

Napoleon Dynamite (Fox) Series Debut: Would The Salt Lake Tribune waste an entire Friday Weekend Entertainment section front page on a complete piece of shit that’s seven years too late? Yes, and they did. This new cartoon take on the 2004 film hit Napoleon Dynamite features all of the original actors’ voices, but also flat artwork and nary a fresh idea. Bring back Bob’s Burgers, already.

Hell on Wheels (AMC) Season Finale: In case you shut off AMC after The Walking Dead midseason finale, a reminder that Hell on Wheels is still on. More AMC reminders: The Walking Dead will return Sunday, Feb. 12, and the looong-delayed fifth season of Mad Men will kick off with a two-hour premiere on Sunday, March 25. Oh, and Hell on Wheels will be back next year. No, really.

Robot Chicken (Adult Swim) Season Finale/100th Episode: Have they run out of action figures and pop-cultural references yet? Of course not: Tonight, Seth Green & Co. take on … Fight Club? At least it’s not Napoleon Dynamite.

Also new tonight: 
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); Undercover Boss, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Family Guy (Fox); Downton Abbey (PBS); Baseball Wives (VH1); The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Chef Roble (Bravo); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain (Comedy Central); Leverage (TNT); Angry Boys (HBO); Shameless, House of Lies, Californication (Showtime)

Not Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes, but funnier:

TV Tonight: SNL, Miss America, Sexting in Suburbia

What’s new tonight:
Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter hosts, and inexplicable female pop flavor of the moment Lana Del Rey … sings? Mumbles? Stays awake for three minutes? At least she’s purdy …

2012 Miss America Pageant (ABC) The Bachelor’s Chris Harrison (“Ladies, there’s only one rose left”—no shit!) and nobody’s Brooke Burke host as America’s next high-profile DUI case is chosen from 53 contestants. Even better, it’s live from Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas! The Radisson was booked.

Sexting in Suburbia (Lifetime) Movie: Didn’t think Lifetime would be the first to work “sexting” into a title, but here it is: A distraught mom (Liz Vassey) investigates the cyberbullying-driven suicide of her teen daughter—which we’re just going to have to assume originated from sexting, in the suburbs. Cyberbullying in Suburbia just didn’t pop.

Also new tonight: 
Austin City Limits: Arcade Fire (PBS/KUED 7); Cops (Fox); Collision Earth (Syfy); A Taste of Romance (Hallmark); The Fades, Graham Norton Show (BBC America); My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet); Metal Evolution, That Metal Show (VH1 Classic)

Sexting in Suburbia, a cautionary tale … on a network watched by absolutely no teenagers …

TV Tonight: Fringe, Grimm, Portlandia, Real Time

What’s new tonight:
Fringe (Fox) Return: Watch it real hard, Fringers—this is likely the final season for the only true sci-fi series on network TV. Tonight, Peter travels to that Other Universe for a showdown with Walternate, and Olivia gets some troubling information from an Observer. See? The show’s not that hard to follow.

Grimm (NBC) Return: When a hyper-strong criminal literally breaks out of prison and sets out for revenge against those who locked him up, Nick (super)naturally assumes the guy must by one of them fairytale monsters. Hint: The episode is titled “Game Ogre.”

Portlandia (IFC) The Battlestar Galactica Episode: Meanwhile, on the non-monster-infested side of Portland, Fred and Carrie become obsessed with Battlestar Galactica to the point that they have to create their own fan-fiction sequel to the canceled series, and you won’t believe the guest stars they enlist to help. Well, you probably would, actually—seen Gaius Baltar in anything lately?

Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO) Season Premiere: In the Season 10 (!) opener, Bill welcomes commentator David Frum, director Rob Reiner, Florida Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, documentary filmmaker/writer Alexandra Pelosi and former GOP presidential candidate/pizza magnate Herman Cain, whom Bill has mocked quite extensively. Should go fine.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC) Series Finale: Canceled! Pack up the bullhorn, Pennington! What? It’ll be back as a series of specials? Fuck …

Also new tonight:
Chuck (NBC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Kitchen Nightmares (fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC); The Life & Times of Tim (HBO)

Even if you’re up on Fringe, this probably won’t tell you a damned thing:

TV Tonight: 30 Rock, The Finder, Rob, Up All Night

What’s new tonight:
30 Rock (NBC) Season Premiere: About fucking time. Consider everything NBC has canceled since the last new 30 Rock episode was aired in … May 2011. Anyway: In the Season 6 premiere, Jenna becomes a hit as a kiddie-berating judge on a TV talent show, Liz tries to be more positive (not likely) and Kenneth preps for The Rapture (slightly more likely). Now let’s see if 30 Rock anchor the night as a lead-off series at 7 ... uh oh.

The Finder (Fox) Series Debut: Geoff Stults (7th Heaven) and Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile) star in the Bones spin-off about a witty-weird military vet and his large attorney who can find anything or anyone, anywhere or anytime—hence, The Finder. Female sidekick Saffron Burrows was fired after the within-Bones show introduction last year either due to her over-the-top-of-the-top Cockney accent or her height (over 6 feet). They would have been the tallest cast on TV, Fox!

Rob (CBS) Series Debut: It’s shit. Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Up All Night (NBC) New Night: Yes, the network has swapped Whitney and Up All Night, which kicks off its new timeslot with an oh-so-topical episode about New Year’s Eve. Hey, it’s funny—no one’s even going to notice.

Also new tonight: 
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Parks & Recreation, The Office, The Firm (NBC); Bones (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore (MTV)

How we first met The Finder last year, with nary a trace of Saffron Burrows:

TV Tonight: Are You There, Chelsea?

What’s new tonight: 
Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) Series Debut: Batting clean-up after the newly-relocated Whitney, it’s the new Are You There, Chelsea? aka The Sitcom Formerly Known As Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea. NBC is calling the combo Happy Hour—not Harpy Hour, you Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings haters. Me, I’m still one of the very few who actually like Whitney (the comedienne and the series), but Chelsea is a tougher sell: We’ve already had half a season of Whitney and 2 Broke Girls, do we really need another Beeotches Be Obnoxious sitcom? Going by Chelsea’s pilot, probably not. Handler’s funny as hell on cable, but forcing her into a watered-down network sitcom role (playing her own older sister, as Laura Prepon plays Chelsea … wha?) has Huge Fucking Compromise written all over it. Shoulda sold it to Showtime, Chels.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); The People’s Choice Awards (CBS); Whitney, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); Mobbed (Fox); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Toddlers & Tiaras, I Cloned My Pet (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); State of Play (BBC America); True Life (MTV); The Soup (E!)

Back when Are You There, Chelsea? still had her Vodka:

TV Tonight: 24 Hour Catwalk, Dance Moms, Body of Proof

What’s new tonight:
24 Hour Catwalk (Lifetime) New Series: This debuted last Thursday after the season premiere of Project Runway All Stars—yeah, it made that much of an impression. In 24 Hour Catwalk (named so because host Alexa Chung looks like a wet cat, I’m assuming), aspiring designers have—you guessed it—24 hours to stitch together a clothing line and, of course, cause as much sewing room DRA-MA as possible. But, seriously: Who the fuck is Alexa Chung?

Dance Moms (Lifetime) Season Premiere: The surprise cable hit of 2011 is back! If you find Toddlers & Tiaras to be just be a little too “thinky” and “dignified,” Dance Moms (starring Loud! Now! Brown! Cow! instructor Abby Lee Miller) is for you! Lick it up, ‘Merica.

Body of Proof (ABC) Watch It While You Can: Biz buzz has it that ABC’s MILF-tastic crime drama Body of Proof is headed for the ol’ TV glue factory after Season 2 wraps—which means we (meaning, myself and a few hundred other viewers) only have several months/weeks/minutes left with Dana Delaney and Jeri Ryan. Same goes for Poppy Montgomery’s Unforgettable over on CBS; Maria Bello’s Prime Suspect is already long gone from NBC. This just ain’t the season for lady cops, apparently.

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing, Work It, Celebrity Wife Swap: Flavor Flav & Dee Snider (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Tabatha Takes Over (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars, Storage Wars Texas (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Extreme Couponing All Stars (TLC)

How many millions watched Dance Moms last year? WT Fuck?

TV Tonight: Californication Replay

Forgot to pirate the neighbor’s cable and missed the Season 5 premiere of Californication last night? Showtime’s posted it (albeit in edited form) on YouTube, and it’s worth it for guest star RZA’s nearly-intelligible bon mots. Enjoy:



New tonight:
The Bachelor, Castle (ABC); Who’s Still Standing, Fear Factor, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); House (Fox); Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); Pawn Stars (History); Scouted (E!); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World (Bravo); The Mortified Sessions (Sundance); Caged (MTV)

TV Weekend: Supernatural, Portlandia, House of Lies, Downton Abbey & More

What’s new this weekend:
Supernatural (The CW, tonight) Return: In “Adventures in Babysitting” (!), Sam helps a teen girl find, coincidentally, her supernatural-investigator father and, of course, runs into some crazy hell-bitch trouble. Meanwhile, Dean is on the hunt for … Dick Roman. Has he called Mo’s Tavern?



Portlandia (IFC, tonight) Season Premiere: Read it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC, tonight) Season Premiere: Read it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon (NBC, tonight) J-Fal welcomes actor David Duchovny (Californication) and band Wild Flag (featuring Portlandia’s Carrie Brownstein). Watch-my-show pimpin’ ahoy!



Also new tonight:
Chuck (NBC); Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Nikita (The CW); Wizards of Waverly Place (Disney); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); America’s Most Wanted (Lifetime); The Life & Times of Tim (HBO)

New Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Charles Barkley & Kelly Clarkson (NBC/CW30); Cops (Fox); My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet); Fixing Pete (Hallmark); Graham Norton Show (BBC America); Metal Evolution: Grunge (VH1 Classic)

The Firm (NBC, Sunday) Series Debut: Remember that John Grisham novel? Or the Tom Cruise movie? So now it’s a TV show, and it stars Josh Lucas of Sweet Home Alabama and Poseidon fame. Not enough star power for ya? The Firm also has Tricia Helfer (Battlestar Galactica), Molly Parker (Deadwood) and Juliette Lewis (Juliette & The Licks and every movie from the ‘90s).



Downton Abbey (PBS, Sunday) Season Premiere: Apparently, this show is a big deal and I’m obliged to write something about it. So … done.

Absolutely Fabulous (BBC America, Sunday) Season Premiere: Not only are Patsy and Edina still alive, but they’re cranking out a whole new season of Ab Fab! Well, three episodes. Lazy Brits.

Shameless, Californication, House of Lies (Showtime, Sunday) Season Premieres, Series Debut: Read it at CityWeekly.net (Items 3, 4  & 5).

Also new Sunday:
Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives (ABC); The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, The Cleveland Show, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox); Baseball Wives (VH1); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Hell on Wheels (AMC); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Tom Papa: Live in New York (Comedy Central); Robot Chicken (Adult Swim); Leverage (TNT); Angry Boys (HBO)

TV Tonight: Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Jersey Shore

What's new tonight:
The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Return: Says here, “Klaus uses violence to convey that no one will be safe until he gets his family back, Tyler tries to cope with recent changes, and Alaric meets a beautiful doctor who is intrigued by his ability to heal.” Unfortunately, said doc is Torrey DeVitto, not Rachel Bilson—really had my hopes up for a Vampire Diaries/Hart of Dixie crossover and/or bloodbath.

The Secret Circle (The CW) Return: Says here, "Cassie shares a deep secret with Adam, Faye asks a mysterious stranger (Grey Damon) for help with a spell, and Diana is ecstatic when her grandmother visits." Fortunately, said nana is Stepfanie Kramer—Dee Dee McCall from Hunter! Wiki it, kids …

Jersey Shore (MTV) Season Premiere: Yes, already. For Season 5 (!), the guido gang is back in New Jersey and, wouldn’t ya know it?, they’re already drunk and fighting. Isn’t it time to move this nostalgia act over to TV Land?

Also new tonight:
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC)

Oh, the drama of The Vampire Diaries! 

TV Tonight: Portlandia! Sort of

IFC has made the second episode of the upcoming second season of Portlandia available online, in its entirety! Why? Don’t ask stupid questions, just watch it now and again on real TV on Jan. 13—you Battlestar Galactica nuts will especially enjoy the cameos in “One Moore Episode”:



Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); I Get That a Lot (CBS); Mobbed (Fox); Top Chef Texas (Bravo); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); State of Play (BBC America); True Life (MTV); The Soup (E!)

TV Tonight: Work It, Celebrity Wife Swap, Jane by Design

What’s new tonight:
Work It (ABC) Series Debut: This is really happening. A sitcom about two dudes who, for whatever reason, have to dress up as women to land jobs as pharmaceutical reps. I know, I can’t believe I resisted the “Hand-jobs behind Taco Bell?” joke, either. There’s no question that Work It is already the worst new show of the season—but can it go the distance to become The Worst of 2012? Or even The Worst of the 2000s? I’m a believer; I say yes.

Celebrity Wife Swap (ABC) Series Debut: What took so long? How has TLC not already produced this show? Tonight, in the first of what’s sure to be dozens of enlightening household tradeoffs, the wife of not-at-all-loony actor Gary Busey switches places with the wife of disgraced ex-evangelist Ted Haggard. You’d think these poor wives would take to opportunity to just skip the country and never look back, right?

Jane by Design (ABC Family) Series Debut: In what is either a ripped-off Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead subplot or a ripped-off Arrested Development subplot, 16-year-old Jane is mistaken for an adult and hired as an assistant to a big-deal fashion exec (Andie McDowell). Sure, there’s totally enough material here for a series, not a just a movie-of-the-week.

Also new tonight: 
Last Man Standing, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Switched at Birth (ABC Family); Storage Wars (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Chopped (Food Network); Extreme Couponing All-Stars (TLC); Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood (Oxygen); The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret: Season 1 Recap Special(IFC)

This Work It trailer features no hand-jobs, behind Taco Bell or elsewhere: