TV Tonight: What Not to Wear, MasterChef, Memphis Beat, Hawthorne

What's new tonight:
What Not to Wear (TLC) Season Premiere: Despite faint reservations that she might actually be a dude, The Only TV Column That Matters™ considers What Not to Wear co-host Stacy London to be kinda hot. So when news of “changes” to the show for its ninth season (which makes it the longest-running series on the devolving hot mess that is the former Learning Channel) made the rounds, I feared the worst. Fortunately, the network isn’t replacing her and Clinton Kelly with castoffs from Trailer Parks & Tiaras or some other TLC tentpole; there’s just a new studio and 360 mirror. Keep on tucking, Stacy!

MasterChef (Fox) Season Finale: One of Gordon Ramsay’s 18 summer shows comes to an end tonight when MasterChef crowns the next great fry-cook you’ll never hear from again ... you donkey!!!

Memphis Beat, Hawthorne (TNT) Season Finales: Also finale-ing for the season tonight are Memphis Beat, that cop show with My Name Is Earl, and Hawthorne, that hospital show with My Name Is Mrs. Will Smith. Somebody watches these ... right?

Also new tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Pretty Little Liars, The 9 Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Hulu categorizes MasterChef as "Food & Leisure." What's "leisurely" about this?

TV Tonight: The Lying Game, Millionaire Matchmaker, Teen Wolf

What’s new tonight:
The Lying Game (ABC Family) Series Debut: No, you haven’t seen it before—totally different than Switched at Birth or Pretty Little Liars. Read all about it in True TV at CityWeekly.net (Item 4).

Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo) Season 5 Premiere: That’s right, Season 5. Lovebroker/horrible wildebeest Patti Stanger is, says here, “Newly single and ready to mingle.” No, I didn’t just throw up a little in my mouth … I threw up everything I’ve eaten in the last two weeks all over the place. Blech …

Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo) Series Debut: Because Bravo can’t make a shit sandwich without an extra layer of shit, the net introduces a bunch of Dallas socialites looking for love in all the wrong holes, er, places. If you’ve ever wondered, “What would The Hills be like if they gave it a second lobotomy and moved it to Texas,” here ya go.

Teen Wolf (MTV) Season Finale: Yes, it’ll be back next year—something has to fill the void left by the cancellation of The Hard Times of R.J. Berger, right? Tonight, Scotty the Lacrosse Wolf is caught in an epic struggle between werewolves and werewolf hunters, setting up a cliffhanger that will leave fans breathless. This could be avoided if they weren’t such mouthbreathers.

Also new tonight:
The Bachelor Pad (ABC); Hell’s Kitchen, MasterChef (Fox); Basketball Wives (VH1); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family); Kate Plus 8 (TLC); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Alphas (Syfy); The Protector (Lifetime); Weeds, The Big C (Showtime)

Preview: Teen Wolf goes out with a … something …

Bored to Death: New Season 3 Trailer

So long, Sundays: Season 3 of HBO's Bored to Death premieres Monday, Oct. 10, leading into new series Enlightened. Moving the comedy to Mondays with no established lead-in (or lead-out) seems like a risky move; Big Love tried it once, and it worked out as well as a stroll in the neighborhood for Bill Henrickson. Still, this new trailer makes a convincing case following Jason Schwartzman, Zack Galifianakis and Ted Danson to a new night--put that white wine on ice now ...

TV Tonight: Torchwood, Strike Back

What’s new tonight:
Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz) Episode 6: Damn, who’s next? Spoiler alert: After last week’s stunning Dr. Vera (Arlene Tur) flambé, it finally appears that Torchwood: Miracle Day is willing to “kill” any character who might have been considered a regular who’d last till the end—don’t assume that just because no one on Earth is dying that they can’t be dispatched, horribly. This doesn’t fill me with hope that my favorite new character, bitchtastic PR agent Jilly Kitzinger (Lauren Ambrose), won’t be fed into a woodchipper soon. Tonight, Cap’n Jack (John Barrowman) zeroes in on the heart of the Grand Conspiracy—at least we know he won’t get dead … right?

Strike Back (Cinemax) Series Debut: The manliest TV series since Logo’s Bear-Humpin.’ Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Karaoke Battle USA (ABC); Flashpoint (CBS); Friends With Benefits (NBC); Commerical Kings, Whisker Wars (IFC); ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Haven (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

Preview: Just try and make sense of tonight’s Torchwood promo …

New Dexter Season 6 Poster!

Going by the Season 6 trailer below and the new promo art above, looks like Dexter is getting his God (complex?) on this year. New season kicks off Sunday, Oct. 2 on Showtime—yes, it is later than usual; Michael C. Hall had grow back the Dex mop, silly.

TV Tonight: Louie, Burn Notice, Russian Dolls, SYTYCD

This just in: HBO’s True Blood has been renewed for Season 5 in 2012. This just in-er: Jersey Shore’s “DJ” Pauly D is getting a three-record deal and his own line of headphones. What’s the correlation? Both items make me want to stab people with wooden stakes.

What’s new tonight:
Louie (FX) Two New Back-to-Back Episodes: Guess FX needs to blow out some episodes before It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia returns; next week, it’s back-to-back new Wilfreds. Tonight, Louis CK makes peace with God (unlikely) and Doug Stanhope (highly unlikely), and you can come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) to watch the FX Wilfred/Louie/Louie trifecta on the big screen with me and a beer—free!

Burn Notice (USA) Mr. Gwen Stefani Alert: Grunge icon Gavin Rossdale guest-stars as Fiona’s (Gabrielle Anwar) old boyfriend looking for a favor, which doesn’t sit well at all with Michael (Jeffrey Donovan). Then again, what does sit well with Michael?

Russian Dolls (Lifetime) Series Debut: A reality show about Moscow strippers? Wishful thinking: Russian Dolls is about Russian-American families living in Brooklyn. That’s it. What a waste of a title—way to let that one slip by, Cinemax.

So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) Season Finale: Hey, it’s finally over. If SYTYCD just got rid of that screeching idiot Mary Murphy and that pandering assclown Nigel … nah, I still wouldn’t watch it. Fuck this show. Oh, wait, Cat Deeley is kinda cool … no, forget it. Fuck this show.

Also new tonight:
Wipeout, Expedition Impossible (ABC); Big Brother (CBS); Project Runway (Lifetime); Futurama, Ugly Americans (Comedy Central); Wilfred (FX); Suits (USA); L.A. Ink (TLC); The Green Room With Paul Provenza (Showtime); Childrens Hospital, NTSF:SD:SUV (Adult Swim)

Preview: Is Gavin Rossdale’s acting on Burn Notice as good as his music? Unfortunately, yes …

TV Tonight: Jon Benjamin Has a Van, Royal Pains

What’s new tonight:
Jon Benjamin Has a Van (Comedy Central) Season/Possible Series Finale: Bizarre till the end, Jon Benjamin’s “newsmagazine show” probably has little shot at a second season—but at least he still has Archer and Bob’s Burgers, right? Tonight, Benjamin and his van investigate a Christian sect that believes, quite strongly, that Jesus smoked a pipe (led by Bob Odenkirk, a cult head who’s predicted The End of The World a mere 14 times). Think Nightline or 20/20 would ever dare tackle that? Do the right thing, Comedy Central.

Royal Pains (USA) Awkward Guest-Spot Alert: As you may or may not know, USA is owned by the same corporate overlords as Syfy, Bravo, Oxygen, MSNBC, CNBC, E!, Style, G4, Telemundo … whew … and a struggling little network called NBC. So of course Matt Lauer of The Today Show couldn’t say no to guesting on Royal Pains as Matt Lauer—on The Today Show, no less. Meh. Get Ann Curry on The Bad Girls Club—then I’ll be interested.

Also new tonight:
Big Brother (CBS); So You Think You Can Dance (Fox); Minute to Win It, America’s Got Talent, Love In the Wild (NBC); Hot in Cleveland, Happily Divorced (TV Land); Ghost Hunters Int’l, Legend Quest (Syfy); Necessary Roughness (USA); Roseanne’s Nuts (Lifetime); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Rescue Me (FX)

Preview: Behold a miracle of cross-corporate clusterfuck promotion for Royal Pains:

TV Tonight: White Collar, Covert Affairs, Big Law, Web Therapy

What’s new tonight:
White Collar, Covert Affairs (USA) Summer Finales: Agent Annie (Piper Perabo) and con man Neal (Matthew Bomer) are taking the rest of the summer off, set to finish their respective seasons in “early 2012,” says USA. On White Collar, Neal and Mozzi try to keep the FBI and Beau Bridges from their loot (again?); on Covert Affairs, Annie helps a Chinese scientist defect to the now-bankrupt United States (great timing, lady).

Big Law: Deputy Butterbean (ID) Series Debut: Remember fat boxer Butterbean? Now he’s a fat Sheriff’s Deputy, making wisecracks and cracking down on meth dealers. ID stands for Investigation Discovery, by the way—it’s somewhere in your cable lineup … maybe.

Crazy About Pippa (TLC) Special: Yes, an hour dedicated to Pippa Middleton, royal sister to Kate. How will they fit everything that’s so fascinating about her into a mere 60 minutes? There’s sooo much more than stupid hats and a great ass—finally, Learning returns to The Learning Channel.

Web Therapy (Showtime) Episode 4: Other critics say the TV version of Lisa Kudrow’s Web Therapy isn’t as funny as the original Internet version; me, I say it’s funnier. Tonight, terrible 3-minute therapist Fiona (Kudrow) blackmails a new patient (Glee’s Jane Lynch) into doing free PR for her “new treatment modality.” Since she has extreme anger-management issues, this is a fabulous idea.

Also new tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); MasterChef (Fox); Pretty Little Liars, The 9 Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family); Memphis Beat, Hawthorne (TNT); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV)

Preview: Jane Lynch brings the pain on tonight’s Web Therapy …

TV Tonight: Weeds, Bachelor Pad, Sugar High

What's new tonight:
Weeds (Showtime) With the return of Season 1 pot connection Heylia (Toye Patano), looks like Weeds may be returning to some version of “grounded”—but how long can the bicoastal New York/Cali storyline last? Meanwhile, tonight, we get boxing, baseball ‘roid rage, a police internship (for Shane?!) and a little corporate espionage, so I might have been a little too quick with the “grounded” comment. Related: When will Nancy’s prison-time lesbianism phase be addressed? Just curious.

Surprise Homecoming (TLC) New Series: Families of military men and women are surprised with the return of their loved ones from the battlefield—sounds nice, but how the hell are they surprised with a full reality camera crew and Billy Ray Cyrus hanging out at their house all day? Again, just curious.

Sugar High (Food Network) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 4).

The Bachelor Pad (ABC) Season Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 5).

Also new tonight:
Hell’s Kitchen, MasterChef (Fox); Basketball Wives, Single Ladies (VH1); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Switched at Birth (ABC Family); Kate Plus 8 (TLC); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Alphas (Syfy); The Big C (Showtime)

Preview: The hits keep coming on Weeds tonight …

TV Weekend: Whisker Wars, Teen Choice, Falling Skies

You’d think a weekend in August would be much deader than this—whole lotta TV goin’ on. Not that it’s all good, mind you …

What’s new this weekend:

Friends With Benefits (NBC, tonight) Already-Canceled Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Whisker Wars (IFC, tonight) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 3).

Also new tonight:
Flashpoint (CBS); Platinum Hit (Bravo) Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz); Commerical Kings (IFC); ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Haven (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); Pauly Shore: Vegas Is My Oyster (Showtime); The Soup (E!)

Who Is Simon Miller? (NBC, Saturday) Walmart Family Movie: When her husband goes missing, a mom (Robin Lively—not relation to Blake) discovers that he’s some kinda multi-identity spy. Since this a “family night” movie from Walmart and Proctor & Gamble, don’t expect the sexy: One Christian website reviewer called it “The Bourne Identity meets Spy Kids.” Oh, fuck that.



Michael Ian Black: Very Famous (Comedy Central, Saturday) Stand-Up Special: Who can wring laughs from “blood in my stool”? Michael Ian Black, that’s who.

Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday) We’re back on the big screen at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), totally free! Showtime is 8 pm, be there.

Teen Choice Awards (Fox, Sunday) Proving once again that teens really aren’t all that discerning in their choices—but the show is hosted by The Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco, so it’s got those, er, that going for it.

Falling Skies (TNT, Sunday) 2-Hour Season Finale: The alien-invasion epic has been picked for a second season next year, so things won’t be wrapped up tonight—but, we may find out what the space slugs want with earth. There’s also a mutiny a-brewin’ within the earthling ranks, and Noah Wylie will tousle his kid’s hair and say “Everything’s gonna be OK” at least once.

In Plain Sight (USA, Sunday) Season Finale: Damn, Marshal Mary (Mary McCormack) is huuuge! Sure, she’s pregnant, but come on—is she birthing a space slug?

Hillbilly Handfishin’ (Animal Planet) Series Debut: Just what it sounds like: rednecks catchin’ catfish with their bare hands. Not only is this a show, it’s a 12-week show. God bless 'Merica.

Also new Sunday:
Ty’s Great British Adventure (ABC); Big Brother, Same Name (CBS); The Marriage Ref (NBC); Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Ice Love Coco (E!); The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo); The Glee Project (Oxygen); Drop Dead Diva, Against the Wall (Lifetime); The Glades (A&E); True Blood, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage (HBO)

Preview: The end is near (but not that near) on Falling Skies ...