KSL’s We Are Utah: It Ain’t The Playboy Club

What’s KSL 5 running this Monday at 9 instead of NBC’s moral-fabric-of-society-destroying The Playboy Club? Something just as edgy! Or at least, something.

This press release doesn’t quite clear it up:

“We Are Utah features the people, places and cultural quirks that make Utah a great place to live.

“We will explore everything Utah, from our bad driving records, to our beautiful people and our amazing talents. And we’ll have fun with the cultural quirks that we all recognize and love as we hit the streets, ‘Jaywalking’ style, to figure out why we can’t pronounce ‘Layton.’ We will venture into the streets of Utah, from businesses to schools, trying to make sense of it all.

“We invite you to tune in, be part of our journey and be proud to be a Utahn. We think?!%$%. This is an exciting departure of style for KSL, so expect the unexpected!”

Other than an inordinate amount of time in “the streets,” still not sure what the hell We Are Utah is supposed to be. Maybe these promos will help:





Nope.

TV Tonight: Vampire Diaries, Secret Circle, Sunny, Archer

 What’s new tonight:
The Vampire Diaries (The CW) Season Premiere: Being over 14 and the owner of a penis, I really have no idea what’s been going on with TVD over the past two seasons, but I do know this: It can’t possibly be any more ridiculous than what’s been going on over at True Blood … right? Sez The CW about Season 3 opener “The Birthday”: “On the morning of Elena's (Nina Dobrev) 18th birthday, Caroline (Candice Accola) is busy planning a party, but Elena is focused on searching for any clues that might help her discover where Stefan (Paul Wesley) is. Damon (Ian Somerhalder) is also searching for Stefan, while trying to protect Elena and keep her from doing anything that would draw Klaus' (Joseph Morgan) attention. Meanwhile, Klaus and Stefan are busy trailing a werewolf named Ray Sutton (guest star David Gallagher, Super 8). Now working at the Mystic Grill along with Matt (Zach Roerig), Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) is struggling to understand why he keeps seeing the ghosts of Vicki (guest star Kayla Ewell) and Anna (guest star Malese Jow) since he was brought back to life by Bonnie's (Kat Graham) magic. Meanwhile, Alaric (Matt Davis) does his best to watch over Elena and Jeremy, while dealing with his grief over Jenna's death. Finally, Caroline and Tyler (Michael Trevino) face a new and unexpected challenge.” Whew. You got served, Bon Temps.

The Secret Circle (The CW) Series Debut: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX) Season Premiere: Read about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Archer (FX) Mini-Season Premiere: This “special assignment” run is only for three weeks, as The League returns on Oct. 6; Archer’s third season premieres for real early 2012. In the “Heart of Archness” trilogy, Archer (H. Jon Benjamin) is hiding out in the South Pacific after the murder of his fiancée at the end of last season—and then, naturally, he becomes a pirate king. Guest voices: Patrick Warburton and David Cross.

CMT Made: Roller Derby (CMT) Derby Alert: A divorcee single mom joins Colorado’s Rocky Mountain Rollergirls to “get her life together.” Because roller-derby girls are just models of stability.

Also new tonight:
Wipeout (season finale, ABC); Project Runway, Dance Moms, Russian Dolls (Lifetime); Impact Wrestling (Spike); Jersey Shore (MTV)

An Archer crossover with It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Dare to dream …

TV Tonight: Up All Night, Free Agents, Survivor, ANTM

What’s new tonight:
Up All Night, Free Agents (NBC) Series Debuts: How can you go wrong with a comedy (Up All Night) starring Will Arnett, Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph, produced by the brains behind 30 Rock? Base it around a needy baby. Likewise, how can you miss with a comedy (Free Agents) starring Hank Azaria, Katherine Hahn and Natasha Leggero? Base it around needy PR reps. Both of these new (mercifully laugh-track-free) sitcoms should be waaay funnier than their pilots indicate, and Azaria’s freakishly hairless torso shouldn’t be seen at all—these could be resolved by the next episode, so proceed with caution.

Survivor: South Pacific (CBS) Season Premiere: Is it a musical? No, just the usual bungles in the jungle, now with the added Redemption Island element. Assclown “Coach” returns, as does heartthrob Ozzy—and there’s even a couple of Utahns in the mix. Awww ...

H8R (The CW) Series Debut: Worthless reality trash like Snooki and Kim Kardashian get to confront their most vocal H8Rs (haters—get it?) and ask, “Yo, why you calling me worthless reality trash?” Will the nadirs and the H8Rs hug it out, or slug it out? Exactly: meh. Sadly, I’m sure this will be canceled long before they get to the Episode 8 shouting match I taped with the Cake Boss. Hate that guy …

America’s Next Top Model (The CW) Season Premiere: It’s the all-star losers edition, with past contestants looking to smize their way back into America’s hearts, pants, etc.—even last season’s whiny-ass Alexandria. Also appearing in the ANTM season premiere is Nicki Minaj … shouldn’t she be on H8R?

Hulk Hogan’s MCW (TruTV) Series Debut: The Hulkster launches his Micro Championship Wrestling league (the rasslers are tiny, not the league), and the reality cameras just happen to be rolling.

Also new tonight:
Big Brother (season finale, CBS); America’s Got Talent (season finale, NBC); Buried Treasure (season finale, Fox); Damages (season finale, DirecTV); Necessary Roughness (season finale, USA); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); Ton of Cash (VH1); Storage Wars (A&E); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo)

Ack! It’s Hank Azaria’s freakishly hairless torso in Free Agents!

The DABC Show: Squatters

In an epic (but not Epic—different brewery, different episode) outing for The DABC Show (Drinking Alcoholic Beverages Constantly), Steve “Scorsese” Koonce and I hit Squatters to drink, eat, drink some more and maybe even learn something about their tasty beers. Even though it took as long as Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy to produce, this super-sized DABC Show is split into two parts, so it’s more like Use Your Illusion I & II. Here’s what happened:

TV Tonight: Ringer, Parenthood, Sons of Anarchy

What’s new tonight:
Ringer (The CW) Series Debut: The first new show of the season! Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) returns to TV as a stripper/junkie on the lam from a Wyoming(?) crime lord—wait, there’s more! When her estranged New York socialite twin sister (oh, the awkward split-screen acting) disappears after an apparent suicide, she assumes her identity and soon learns that city sis has been living in a 1980s General Hospital subplot of lies, affairs and uptight British husbands (Ioan Gruffudd). But! Is stripper sister actually being set up by socialite sister to take the fall for something even more sinister? And enough with all the mirrors—we get it. Double-life intrigue didn’t work out for last year’s spectacularly failed Lone Star, but Ringer has a certain trashy/soapy appeal that will probably carry it beyond two episodes, even though Gellar is 10 years past The CW’s demographic (and 15 past ABC Family’s, where this show really belongs).

Parenthood (NBC) Season Premiere: The first old show of the season! Now that Adam (Peter Krause) is out of a job, he considers going into the ever-so-lucrative recording studio business with Crosby (Dax Shepard). Even more unbelievable, Sarah (Lauren Graham) freaks out over turning … 40. Not to be a dick, but that is a hard 40. Meanwhile, the rest of the adults do something angsty and the kids do something adorable. Welcome to Season 3!

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Clay cuts a questionable deal with the Mayans! Gemma worries that Jax may find out more about SAMCRO’s questionable past! You make the not-in-the-least questionable choice to come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) tonight at 8 pm and watch Sons of Anarchy on the big screen with a bigger beer! Everybody wins.

Also new tonight:
90210 (The CW); America’s Got Talent, It’s Worth What? (NBC); Wipeout (ABC); Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo); What Not to Wear, Big Sexy (TLC); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Get those hankies out—Parenthood is back tonight.

TV Weekend: Torchwood, True Blood, Curb, Entourage

What’s new this weekend:
Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz, tonight) Season Finale: Might be series finale, at least in ‘Merica, for Cap’n Jack and Gwen—viewership in miniscule, even by Starz standards. Maybe they were put off by having to actually think, or it could have been all of the naked, heaving, sweaty man-lovin’. Either way, Team T-wood makes one last desperate attempt to take down the mysterious Three Families and get the people of Earth back to just dying, already. If Jack happens upon some dudes to fuck, so be it, USA.



Friends With Benefits (NBC, tonight) Series Finale: Speaking on miniscule viewership … how the hell is this still even on? The completely-unrelated movie with Justin Timberlake and Meg Griffin was much better, despite JT’s character, a hotshot web designer, declaring his proud use of Times New Roman. Seriously?

Also new tonight:
Karaoke Battle USA (ABC); Haven (Syfy); ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Whisker Wars (IFC); Sugar High (Food Network); Strike Back (Cinemax); The Soup (E!)

Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) After a stellar return episode two weeks ago with “Let’s Kill Hitler,” Doctor Who turned in a rare turd last Saturday—evil toy dolls in an armoire? Doc, puh-lease. Tonight, sounds like we’re back on track: Amy is trapped in an alien hospital! Even worse, they have a socialized healthcare system …

Also new Saturday:
Cops (Fox); Jabberwock (Syfy); iCarly (Nickelodeon); Bad Dog! (Animal Planet); I Faked My Own Death (Discovery); Outnumbered (BBC America)

True Blood (HBO, Sunday) Season Finale: The utterly ridiculous fourth season of the already-ridiculous True Blood comes to a spectacularly ridiculous conclusion—on Halloween, no less. HBO’s been teasing that some regulars are going to die … News Flash: Most of the regulars (i.e. vampires) are already fucking dead! See ya next season, Bon Temps.



Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, Sunday) Season Finale: Larry’s epic trip to New York comes to a head in a whining/shouting showdown with asshole neighbor Michael J. Fox. Nice.

Entourage (HBO, Sunday) Series Finale: It’s finally over. Will Ari reconcile with Mrs. Ari (aka Melissa—I really expected a better name reveal)? Will Drama hang onto his cartoon sitcom? Will Eric get back together with Sloan? Will Turtle … what was he up to, again? Will Vince make Career Comeback #68? Will this alleged Entourage movie really happen? Let's say ... no, to all.

Squidbillies (Adult Swim, Sunday) Season Premiere: Helping America heal—thanks, Adult Swim.

Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday) Come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, SLC, 21+) to watch it on the big screen with a big beer, totally free. (8 pm)

Also new Sunday:
9/11 Tributes Galore (Most Channels); Football (Other Channels); In the Flow With Affion Crockett (Fox); The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo); The Great Food Truck Race (Food Network)

The DABC Show at City Weekly's Utah Beer Festival 2011

That little interwebs booze show hosted by Steve Koonce and myself, The DABC Show (stands for Drinking Alcoholic Beverages Constantly) hit City Weekly's second annual Utah Beer Festival on Saturday, Aug. 27 in downtown Salt Lake City, and this happened:

TV Tonight: Pretty Little Liars, Big Sexy

What’s new tonight:
Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family) Season Finale: Will the lyin’ waifs finally learn the identity of the mysterious “A”? You know, before he/she/it kills everybody? Probably not—what would they do next season? Learn healthy eating habits and sensible body imaging? Bitch, please …

Big Sexy (TLC) Series Debut: On the other end of the scale, morbidly obese/annoyingly sassy models take New York in what has to be the worst smear on the nickname of ‘rassler Kevin “Big Sexy” Nash since the WCW (Google it, kids). Can TLC (Toddlers, Loonies and Cakes) add to their increasingly profitable/pathetic brand with a herd of obnoxious fat chicks? Probably. Great job, 'Merica!

Also new tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); What Not to Wear (TLC); Downsized (We); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Big Sexy … Well, they’re half right …

TV Eye Radio: The Taco Tuesday Takedown Returns

On-demand 24/7: Play it, embed it or download it now! TVEye.mevio.com

Aug. 30 2011: Less Talk/More Rock Edition, featuring Sons of Freedom, The Damned, The Epoxies, Angry Amputees, Atomic Bitchwax, Clutch, Boss Hog, The Glory Holes, Bikini Kill, Fireball Ministry, Brank Bjork, Avengers, Dead Kennedys, Genitorturers, The Donnas, The Wildhearts, Superjoint Ritual, Burnt By the Sun, Stolen Babies, Eddie & The Hot Rods, Red Aunts, Natasha Leggero, Lords of the New Church, The Paybacks and Von Iva.

TV Tonight: Death Valley, Basketball Wives L.A.

What’s new tonight:
Death Valley (MTV) Series Debut: Finally, something on MTV that doesn’t suck: Death Valley is a scripted “horror-comedy” following the Los Angeles Police Department’s Undead Task Force division, which tracks down vampires, werewolves, zombies and other supernatural felons while being filmed, Cops-style—think The Walking Dead meets Reno 911. Death Valley is violent as hell and, more importantly, frequently funny, and even boasts some recognizable stars, like Bryan Callen (The Hangover) and Tania Raymonde (Lost) while looking like it was shot for more than 500 bucks on a weekend (unlike The Walking Dead’s upcoming season, reportedly). Of course, if I say this just might be the one that makes me forgive MTV for killing Warren the Ape, it’ll be canceled by Labor Day. So … yeah … Death Valley is OK. And at least more original than …

Ridiculousness (MTV) Series Debut: So, what if Tosh.0 was hosted by Rob & Big’s Rob Dyrdek instead of an actual comedian? You’d have this blatantly derivative piece o’ shit knockoff.

Cuff’d (MTV) Series Debut: And here we go again with the fresh, new ideas from MTV: “Cuff’d is a documentary series that provides viewers with a fly-on-the-wall perspective of what happens on the ride to the precinct after young offenders are arrested.” So, Cops plus Scared Straight, with an edgy ‘d title. But, MTV viewers really should be more prepared for jail, so I'll allow it.

Basketball Wives L.A. (VH1) Series Debut: Bravo has The Real Housewives; VH1 has Basketball Wives. Pretty much the same deal: Overpriviliged spouses with too much time on their hands act bitchy and fight on cue—except on Basketball Wives, they’re younger and don’t all look like candidates for Plastic Surgery Disasters. Thanks, VH1.

Also new tonight:
Bachelor Pad (ABC); Hell’s Kitchen (Fox); Basketball Wives (VH1); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Secret Life of the American Teenager, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel); Millionaire Matchmaker, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); Kate Plus 8 (TLC); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Alphas (Syfy); The Protector (Lifetime); The Bad Girls Club, Hair Battle Spectacular (Oxygen)

This is how they do in Death Valley—heed the intro warning: