What’s new tonight:
The Bachelor (ABC) Tonight on Roses For My ‘Hos, er, The Bachelor, Ben takes his remaining desperate psychopaths, uh, potential soul mates, on a romantic horseback riding date in Park City. I know this, because PR flacks have been bombarding me left and right about the upcoming Utah! Episode! like these reality idiots are fucking royalty. What ABC isn’t disclosing: They didn’t disinfect the area after they left. Sundance attendees, beware.
Also new tonight: Castle (ABC); Who’s Still Standing, Fear Factor, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); House, Alcatraz (Fox); Gossip Girl, Hart of Dixie (The CW); Pawn Stars (History); Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game (ABC Family); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World (Bravo); Being Human, Lost Girl (Syfy)
What’s new tonight:
The Life & Times of Tim (HBO) You should really be watching The Life & Times of Tim—aside from FX’s Archer, it’s easily the funniest animated TV series outside of the Adult Swim realm. Hell, it’s funnier than most everything on AS, too. A preview of tonight's supreme awkwardness:
Also new tonight: Chuck, Grimm (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Shark Tank (ABC); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); Portlandia, The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO)
What’s new tonight:
The Big Bang Theory (CBS) 100th Episode: What a momentous occasion! BBT must have something really special in store for this episode, right? A cool, unexpected twist for all the fans? Says here, “Leonard asks Penny out to dinner.” Fascinating.
When Girls Kill (E!) Special: E! goes all Dateline with the stories of four murderous teenage girls locked away for life—or, as they put it, “From the schoolyard to the prison yard.” Hey, at least it doesn’t involve any Kardashians.
Also new tonight:
Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); Rob, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Up All Night, The Firm (NBC); American Idol, The Finder (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore (MTV)
More on that shocking, never-before-seen development on The Big Bang Theory:
What’s new tonight:
Modern Family(ABC) The Golden Globe-winning sitcom returns with Baby Lily saying “fuck” (actually an implied/bleeped version of “fudge”). Even though the fucking episode has yet to air, some fucking moral crusaders are trying to stop it—like that’s going to fucking happen. Grow the fuck up, shut the fuck up and let ABC thank you for all of the fucking free publicity, you fucking pussies.
American Idol (Fox) Season Premiere: Oh, and fuck this show, while we’re at it.
Royal Pains (USA) Winter Premiere: The other, non-Revenge Hamptons series returns, as Dr. Hank attends a “divorce party” to keep the party planner alive, and rich guy Kassabian is at death’s door (again). Overall, the Hamptons seems like a pretty dangerous place.
Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); Whitney, Are You There Chelsea?, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); One Tree Hill (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Face Off (Syfy); Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC); Hot In Cleveland, The Exes (TV Land); Mistresses (BBC America); True Life (MTV); Top Chef: Texas (Bravo); The Soup (E!)
Couldn’t find a fucking Modern Family clip, so here’s some new Royal Pains:
What’s new tonight:
Justified (FX) Season Premiere: What to know about Season 3 of Justified: U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens (Timothy Olyphant) is watching his back for Bennetts more than ever after the death of family figurehead Mags; girlfriend Winona (Natalie Zea) is pregnant; Boyd (Walton Goggins) is still the worst/best friend to have; Boyd’s gal Ava (Joelle Carter) may or may not have survived that gunshot at the end of last season; and there’s a pickup-load of heavy-hitter guest stars coming to Harlan, Ky., (including Carla Gugino, Neal McDonough, Jere Burns and Dexter’s Desmond Harrington). If none of this makes sense, you need to get Seasons 1 and 2 now, and then come to Brewvies (677 S. 200 West, 21+), where True TV will be presenting Justified on the big screen every Tuesday at 8 p.m., free and followed by an encore run of FX’s American Horror Story. You’re welcome.
Southland (TNT) Season Premiere: The best gritty cop show about L.A. starring a former resident of The O.C. (Ben McKenzie) is back! In tonight’s Season 3 opener, freshly-rehabbed Cooper (Michael Cudlitz) gets a new partner, and it’s … Lucy Liu?
Remodeled (The CW) Series Debut: It’s like America’s Next Top Model meets Kitchen Nightmares: Modeling biz vet John Fischer travels to struggling little modeling agencies around the country and just tries to help—you know, by yelling at the agents and informing the models that they’re homely. So … where’s Ringer?
Ink Master(Spike) Series Debut: It’s like L.A. Ink meets Top Chef: Host Dave Navarro (!) pits 10 tattoo artists against each another in pen-to-pen competitions until one ultimately wins $100,000 and the prestigious, just-made-up title of Ink Master. Because if there’s one thing you want done under time constraints by a nervous artist, it’s a tattoo.
Also new tonight:
Last Man Standing, Celebrity Wife Swap, Body of Proof (ABC); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); Switched at Birth, Jane by Design (ABC Family); Tabatha Takes Over (Bravo); The Game (BET); Shipping Wars, Storage Wars Texas (A&E); Teen Mom 2 (MTV); Dance Moms, 24 Hour Catwalk (Lifetime), White Collar (USA)
What’s new tonight:
Being Human, Lost Girl (Syfy) Season Premiere, U.S. Debut: Against all expectations, last year’s Americanized remake of the British hit Being Human actually didn’t suck—still not sold on the vampire, but the ghost and the werewolf are worthy answers to their U.K. counterparts. The real find of Syfy’s newly branded “Powerful Mondays,” however, is Canadian import Lost Girl (above): An orphaned woman (Anna Silk) not only learns that she’s a human-draining succubus, but there’s an entire underworld of her kind, divided by a hard clan line of good and evil. She chooses to remain a free agent, taking on a human sidekick (Ksenia Solo) and becoming a supernatural private eye of sorts. Despite the been-there setup, Lost Girl’s odd mix of sex, violence, social politics and humor (provided mostly by Solo) suggests a budget Buffy relocated to Showtime. Who expected Syfy and Canada to deliver?
Alcatraz (Fox) Two-Hour Series Debut: Over 300 criminals who were supposedly transferred out of Alcatraz prison in 1963 suddenly begin appearing in the present day, un-aged and un-rehabilitated—and only a plays-by-her-own-rules San Francisco cop (Sarah Jones) and an Alcatraz historian (Jorge Garcia) can stop it. Well, them and a phantom-inmate-hunting secret agency housed in a high-tech “Batcave” underneath The Rock. Alcatraz is some heady, twisty stuff to drop midseason, but if it can overcome network audiences’ lame resistance to sci-fi—and cut back on characters gravely intoning “This … is Alcatraz”—it could become the next Lost instead of the next Fringe.
Betty White’s Off Their Rockers(NBC) Series Debut: Ho-ly fuck—I can’t top this show description from NBC: “Betty White’s Off Their Rockers is a hidden-camera comedy series that takes senior stereotypes and blows them out of the water with a cast of sassy septuagenarians who are hip, sexy and ready to party! America’s favorite comedy sweetheart sends a fearless band of senior citizens to the streets to pull shockingly hilarious pranks on the younger generation in this outrageously funny ‘hidden camera’ show unlike anything viewers have ever seen.” Last-place network no more!
Also new tonight:
The Bachelor, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); Betty White’s 90th Birthday: A Tribute to America’s Golden Girl, Rock Center With Brian Williams (NBC); Hart of Dixie, Gossip Girl (The CW); Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); Pawn Stars (History); Scouted (E!); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, It’s a Brad Brad World (Bravo); The Mortified Sessions (Sundance); iCarly (Nickelodeon); Caged (MTV)
What’s new tonight:
The 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards(NBC) Ricky Gervais is back as your Mean Host—not necessarily Funny Host, as his bastard shtick tends to run out of steam after the first hour (note where all the best YouTube clips will come from tomorrow). On the TV noms side, why the hell are Enlightened and New Girl up for Best Comedy, but not Parks & Recreation? Fucking travesty. And, while I loves me some Callie Thorne, she deserved a Globe for Rescue Me, not tonight’s WTF-nominated Necessary Roughness. And where’s Louie? So many complaints, not enough coffee …
Napoleon Dynamite (Fox) Series Debut: Would The Salt Lake Tribune waste an entire Friday Weekend Entertainment section front page on a complete piece of shit that’s seven years too late? Yes, and they did. This new cartoon take on the 2004 film hit Napoleon Dynamite features all of the original actors’ voices, but also flat artwork and nary a fresh idea. Bring back Bob’s Burgers, already.
Hell on Wheels(AMC) Season Finale: In case you shut off AMC after The Walking Dead midseason finale, a reminder that Hell on Wheels is still on. More AMC reminders: The Walking Dead will return Sunday, Feb. 12, and the looong-delayed fifth season of Mad Men will kick off with a two-hour premiere on Sunday, March 25. Oh, and Hell on Wheels will be back next year. No, really.
Robot Chicken (Adult Swim) Season Finale/100th Episode: Have they run out of action figures and pop-cultural references yet? Of course not: Tonight, Seth Green & Co. take on … Fight Club? At least it’s not Napoleon Dynamite.
Also new tonight: Once Upon a Time, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); Undercover Boss, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The Simpsons, Family Guy (Fox); Downton Abbey (PBS); Baseball Wives (VH1); The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Chef Roble (Bravo); Kourtney & Kim Take New York (E!); Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain (Comedy Central); Leverage (TNT); Angry Boys (HBO); Shameless, House of Lies, Californication (Showtime)
Not Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes, but funnier:
What’s new tonight:
Saturday Night Live (NBC/CW30) Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter hosts, and inexplicable female pop flavor of the moment Lana Del Rey … sings? Mumbles? Stays awake for three minutes? At least she’s purdy …
2012 Miss America Pageant(ABC) The Bachelor’s Chris Harrison (“Ladies, there’s only one rose left”—no shit!) and nobody’s Brooke Burke host as America’s next high-profile DUI case is chosen from 53 contestants. Even better, it’s live from Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas! The Radisson was booked.
Sexting in Suburbia (Lifetime) Movie: Didn’t think Lifetime would be the first to work “sexting” into a title, but here it is: A distraught mom (Liz Vassey) investigates the cyberbullying-driven suicide of her teen daughter—which we’re just going to have to assume originated from sexting, in the suburbs. Cyberbullying in Suburbia just didn’t pop.
Also new tonight: Austin City Limits: Arcade Fire (PBS/KUED 7); Cops (Fox); Collision Earth (Syfy); A Taste of Romance (Hallmark); The Fades, Graham Norton Show (BBC America); My Cat From Hell (Animal Planet); Metal Evolution, That Metal Show (VH1 Classic)
Sexting in Suburbia, a cautionary tale … on a network watched by absolutely no teenagers …
What’s new tonight:
Fringe (Fox) Return: Watch it real hard, Fringers—this is likely the final season for the only true sci-fi series on network TV. Tonight, Peter travels to that Other Universe for a showdown with Walternate, and Olivia gets some troubling information from an Observer. See? The show’s not that hard to follow.
Grimm (NBC) Return: When a hyper-strong criminal literally breaks out of prison and sets out for revenge against those who locked him up, Nick (super)naturally assumes the guy must by one of them fairytale monsters. Hint: The episode is titled “Game Ogre.”
Portlandia (IFC) The Battlestar Galactica Episode: Meanwhile, on the non-monster-infested side of Portland, Fred and Carrie become obsessed with Battlestar Galactica to the point that they have to create their own fan-fiction sequel to the canceled series, and you won’t believe the guest stars they enlist to help. Well, you probably would, actually—seen Gaius Baltar in anything lately?
Real Time With Bill Maher(HBO) Season Premiere: In the Season 10 (!) opener, Bill welcomes commentator David Frum, director Rob Reiner, Florida Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, documentary filmmaker/writer Alexandra Pelosi and former GOP presidential candidate/pizza magnate Herman Cain, whom Bill has mocked quite extensively. Should go fine.
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition(ABC) Series Finale: Canceled! Pack up the bullhorn, Pennington! What? It’ll be back as a series of specials? Fuck …
Also new tonight:
Chuck (NBC); A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Kitchen Nightmares (fox); Nikita, Supernatural (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Merlin (Syfy); The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC); The Life & Times of Tim (HBO)
Even if you’re up on Fringe, this probably won’t tell you a damned thing:
What’s new tonight:
30 Rock (NBC) Season Premiere: About fucking time. Consider everything NBC has canceled since the last new 30 Rock episode was aired in … May 2011. Anyway: In the Season 6 premiere, Jenna becomes a hit as a kiddie-berating judge on a TV talent show, Liz tries to be more positive (not likely) and Kenneth preps for The Rapture (slightly more likely). Now let’s see if 30 Rock anchor the night as a lead-off series at 7 ... uh oh.
The Finder (Fox) Series Debut: Geoff Stults (7th Heaven) and Michael Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile) star in the Bones spin-off about a witty-weird military vet and his large attorney who can find anything or anyone, anywhere or anytime—hence, The Finder. Female sidekick Saffron Burrows was fired after the within-Bones show introduction last year either due to her over-the-top-of-the-top Cockney accent or her height (over 6 feet). They would have been the tallest cast on TV, Fox!
Up All Night (NBC) New Night: Yes, the network has swapped Whitney and Up All Night, which kicks off its new timeslot with an oh-so-topical episode about New Year’s Eve. Hey, it’s funny—no one’s even going to notice.
Also new tonight: Wipeout, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Parks & Recreation, The Office, The Firm (NBC); Bones (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo); Project Runway All-Stars (Lifetime); The First 48, Beyond Scared Straight (A&E); L.A. Ink, Hook Line & Sisters (TLC); American Stuffers (Animal Planet); Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street (Fuse); Jersey Shore (MTV)
How we first met The Finder last year, with nary a trace of Saffron Burrows:
