No, Not Skanks

Hillary Clinton's Inspiration? CW entertainment prez Dawn Ostroff told a room full of doughy TV critics Friday that Veronica Mars has been doing just great following Gilmore Girls Tuesdays on the new sorta-network. She then followed up with the news that The Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll reality series would be replacing Veronica for eight weeks beginning in March. The TV critics were torn: Veronica Mars is about the only smart, strong young female headliner on the tube these days ... but those Pussycat Dolls! Damn! P-Dolls creator Robin Antin (sister of Blow Out crybaby Jonathan) then insisted that "there’s nothing slutty about it. There's nothing skanky about it. Their clothing is cute," then added that the Dolls are "inspiring to women. The message is just finding your 'inner Doll.'" Yeah, don't you wish your teen daughter was a freak them?

American Idiots

The Day the Music Died (Again) Last night, 37.3 million viewers tuned into the season premiere of American Idol, the largest audience for Fox's karaoke showdown ever. Of course, the tryouts were pure crap, and it's only going to get slightly less ear-raping from here. By all means, let's keep encouraging these otherwise useless fucks to reach for the stars, America—the music industry ain't going to kill itself.

And Fuck Steely Dan, Too Catch that NFL playoff game between the New Orleans Saints and the Philadelphia Eagles on Fox last weekend? Have you filed your FCC complaint for irreversible damage to you and your children’s psyches? Fox cameras panned to the stands during the first quarter to capture celebrating Saints fans, only to get a four-second flash of a woman wearing a belly-shirt bearing the message “Fuck Da Eagles.” Sportswriters across the nation were outraged, though not over the bastardization of “the.” “It’s equivalent to flipping a vulgar hand sign at the government,” wrote The Washington Post about Fox’s lapse at the delay button. “And to many viewers, as well, who doubtless are watching this game with their children.” Yeah, because a word is far worse for The Children than watching millionaire dopers bash each other around a field. The Parents Television Council has fired up the form e-mail machine, so maybe we can finally get football off network TV.

Digital Nips In other Fascist Communications Cabal news, Desperate Housewives producer Marc Cherry revealed this week that “I spend like $100,000 a week taking nipples out of my show because I’ve got a couple of actresses who refuse to wear bras, and the [FCC-fearing ABC] Standards & Practices go ‘Can’t see that.’ Then I'll turn on Friends and it’s a nipplefest.” While ABC is fretting over deadly RT, the body count for the season premiere of 24 this week on Fox was in the thousands—and yet Fox spent more time apologizing for Da Eagles shirt. Lighten up, ABC—Teri Hatcher's nipples will be pointing to the floor by the end of this season, anyway.

Return to Centre

Our Man Jarod The Pretender, a fine NBC series that lasted from 1996 to 2000 on Saturday nights (!), then was cancelled and brought back due to popular demand in the '01 TNT movies The Pretender 2001 (cool) and Island of the Haunted (not so much), disappeared from TNT reruns long ago, but has since resurfaced on, of all channels, Hallmark. Every weeknight at midnight, I gets my Miss Parker fix. God, I've missed that chainsmoking psychobitch ...

Truthosity

The O’Reilly Factor, The Colbert Report Thursday 1.18 (Fox News, Comedy Central) The greatest crossover event in basic-cable history, or simply a shrewd promotional circle jerk featuring only two jerks in the circle? The Answer: Yes! Stephen Colbert, who’s based his Colbert Report character (or, by now, perhaps true persona—absolute power, etc.) on Bill O’Reilly, will appear on Fox News’ O’Reilly Factor; then, O’Reilly will guest on Colbert’s Comedy Central show. Apparently, it’s all out of mutual professional respect: “I look forward to the evening,” Colbert said last week. “It’s an honor to speak face-to-face with a broadcasting legend, and I feel the same way about Mr. O’Reilly.” I honestly don’t know which show will be more entertaining …

Monk, Psych Friday 1.19 (USA) Season Premieres: Well, winter premieres—USA likes to break ‘em up and spread ‘em out. What’s new since The Only TV Column That Matters™ covered the late-summer finales of Monk and Psych? The former remains exactly the same; nothing much ever changes in Monkland except for the new USA show stars that Tony Shaloub has to shoot promos with—how ‘bout one with Jewel and Cowboy Troy? The latter’s funny formula (observant slacker passes himself off as a psychic to work with the police and pick up girls) hasn’t gone stale just yet, but it could easily Jump the Matlock. Right, Monk?

The Dresden Files, Battlestar Galactica Sunday 1.21 (Sci-Fi) Series Debut/Series Return: Speaking of NBC/Universal-owned quirky smart-ass detectives with fashionable stubble, meet Harry Dresden, the wizard P.I. The series is based on the novels of Jim Butcher, so expect the literati to complain even though Dresden is a well-executed, if simplified, adaptation, and leads Paul Blackthorne (24) and Valerie Cruz (Nip/Tuck) are far better than you’d expect from a Sci-Fi series without Battlestar in its title. As for Galactica, rumors are flying that beloved fuck-up Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff) will be killed sometime before the end of this season, but attention will soon be diverted to Cylon 6 (Tricia Helfer) in the February issue of Playboy. Trust me.

Prison Break Monday 1.22 (Fox) Return: Tonight’s Prison Break comeback episode is titled “John Doe,” which is funny because Dominic Purcell (the one with the thicker shaved head) starred in another Fox series long ago called John Doe. Even funnier, even though it was a high-concept science-fiction drama, it was still more believable than Prison Break. And we laughed …

Heroes, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Monday 1.22 (NBC) Returns: Seems like it’s been forever, huh? I mean for Heroes; Studio 60 could have been running all-new episodes for a month now and you probably wouldn’t have noticed. Rejoining Heroes, Peter’s still in a coma, Eden’s still dead, Sylar’s still incapacitated (and listed as a non-permanent “guest star”), Hiro and Ando are searching for the samurai sword from Isaac’s painting, Niki/Jessica turns herself into the police against Jessica/Niki’s wishes, and Claire’s apparently never getting out of that cheerleader uniform (no complaints here). On Studio 60, Matt’s doomed obsession with Harriet continues, as does Danny’s doomed obsession with Jordan and producer Aaron Sorkin’s doomed obsession with Aaron Sorkin.

Bones Wednesday 1.24 (Fox) Return: Bones' serial-killer arch-nemesis Epps is on the loose (another one of those “prison breaks”), and Booth’s former/current flame Cam’s life is hanging in the balance! Who will win in this deadly game of cat-and-mouse? Oh, who do you think? The only real question is, is it too early in the season to send Cam to dirtnap central? Or do we have to wait until Sweeps? Just askin.’

DVD
Employee of the Month Comedian Dane Cook’s bid to become a movie star is crushed by the thespian screen-dominance of Jessica Simpson’s tits … poor bastard never stood a chance. Still, there’s some funny to be found in this Office-Space-does-CostCo romantic comedy—too bad it was all in the trailers. LionsGate.com

Gridiron Gang Why not just make The Scorpion King 2, Rock? Er, Dwayne? That’s what we all want from you, not the uplifting tale of a juvie-league football team battling against the odds to become The Bad News Ballers. So it’s based on a true story—big deal, so was The Scorpion King. Wasn’t it? SonyPictures.com

The King of Queens: Season 7 One of the most underrated sitcoms on network TV—even if you can only tell one season from another by Leah Rimini’s hair (Season 7’s was very good, BTW). No Valuable Life Lessons are ever learned on The King of Queens, but it never fails to deliver laughs. Yeah, it’s a UPS joke. SonyPictures.com

That’s So Suite Life of Hanna Montana Try to follow: Malibu teen Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) leads a double life as rock star Hannah Montana, a secret known only to her manager father (real-life dad Billy Ray Cyrus) and, oh, pretty much everyone else. Why? Look, you’re already asking way too many questions … Disney.com

BROADBAND
In Case of Emergency May have been hasty weeks ago in declaring ABC’s new In Case of Emergency sucktastic; the manic, politically/morally-incorrect sitcom about four 30-something friends who’ve taken a wrong turn or 12 in life is almost the network answer to cable’s It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Check the video clips—especially the critically-reviled “Korean massage” scene from the pilot. Ah, Kelly Hu …

More Drunks on TV!

Breathalyzer Idol No judging: If I'd sold my soul to Simon Cowell and that Satanic shit-cannon called American Idol, I wouldn't be able to promote it sober in the morning, either. Live and loaded from Seattle, take it away, Paula ...

No Static at All

Sucking the '70s Scrolling through the Comcast OnDemand selections of "Free Movies" (read: crap they won't even show on TBS at 2 a.m.) last night, I ran across that 1978 gem FM, starring Martin Mull, Eileen Brennan, Alex Karras (!) and various other actors with shaggy hair and beards, as well as concert segments with Linda Rondstadt (totally hot circa '78) and Jimmy Buffet (eh). It's the story of a "renegade" SoCal FM station with eccentric DJs who spin such '70s underground artists as Steely Dan, The Eagles, even Tom Petty (who also appears in the flick, all 99 pounds of him). The station becomes so popular that ad weasels from the parent company take notice and decide to sell the shit out of it--including selling spots to (ack!) the Army. This eventually leads to a DJ sit-in at "Q-Sky" that draws an adoring mob of badly-dressed supporters and escalates into a riot set to the anarchy-fueled sounds of ... fucking Foghat? Granted, "Slow Ride" rocks balls, but come on ...

Nashville Pussies

Nashville Star Thursday 1.11 (USA) Season Premiere: Which is tougher to swallow: A fifth season of Nashville Star, or new co-host Jewel? The Only TV Column That Matters™ is going to assume Jewel, who, along with Cowboy Troy, will be emceeing the singin’ and twangin’ contest that inexplicably resides on USA, not CMT, GAC or any of the dozen other country-music channels clogging up my cable (thanks, Comcast). But hey, Jewel’s country cred is every bit as solid as Cowboy Troy’s—he’s a capital-C Cowboy, fergawdsakes!

24 Sunday 1.14 (Fox) Season Premiere: Jack’s back, and he’s hairy: “Chloe! I need a razor at these coordinates! Now!” In 24 world, almost two years have passed since agent Jack Bauer was captured by Chinese thugs and taken on the worst cruise vacation ever at the end of last season, but now America needs him back … as a sacrifice to a different set of thugs. J-Bau can’t catch a break. The U.S. is under siege by terrorists, thousands of civilians are dead and, perhaps even more frightening, the country’s only news outlet seems to be the Fox News Channel (love that corporate Fox synergy). Can Jack save the nation yet again? And if so, does he have to go on Hannity & Colmes?

Crossing Jordan Sunday 1.13 (NBC) Season Premiere: Jordan’s back, and her hair looks fabulous. On the downside, she’s still facing a murder rap over the dead ex-boyfriend she woke up next to in last season’s finale, not to mention more (and now totally out-of-sync) Las Vegas crossovers. And, even though Crossing Jordan’s been on for six years now, look for NBC to begin promoting it as “From the creator of Heroes!”

Rome, Extras Sunday 1.13 (HBO) Season Premieres: HBO’s most humorless drama, followed by its funniest comedy (the specter of Lucky Louie looms large). Yes, Rome is still a grim, grand epic that looks every bit a million bucks a frame (rough estimate), but Extras takes the awkward laughs of star Ricky Gervais’ original British Office to painfully funny new extremes—with bigger guest stars! The Season 2 premiere features Orlando Bloom riffing sarcastically on Pirates of the Caribbean co-star Johnny Depp, but the Jan. 21 ep slays with David Bowie writing an impromptu, vicious (and yet quite pretty) song about Gervais’ “chubby little loser” and his critically panned new BBC sitcom. In fact, Bowie’s as good here as Mick Jagger was in The Knights of Prosperity … hmmm.

American Idol Tuesday 1.15 (Fox) Season Premiere: Wow, has it really been a whole year since I’ve reiterated my pure and total hatred of American Idol? Good to reconnect.

The Naked Trucker & T-Bones Show Wednesday, Jan. 16 (Comedy Central) Series Debut: One’s a guitar-strumming truck driver sans clothes (Dave Gruber Allen), the other’s a combover-sideburned drifter of questionable morals (David Koechner); together, they travel the highways and byways of this great land singing songs about truck-stop glory holes, tea-bagging hippies and JPEGs of 18-year-old hoochies. Another series CMT missed out on? Naw, just Tenacious D’s former opening act in a hilarious combo live-onstage/taped-sketch show that could be the weirdest half-hour Comedy Central has booked since Stella. Heard from them lately?

DVD
Bandidas Yow: Penélope Cruz and Salma Hayek as gun-slingin’ outlaws in 1888—it’s Butch & Sundance via Thelma & Louise, or Maxim’s Guide to the Mexican Revolution. Pure fluff, but with Cruz and Hayek throwing down the action-comedy in corsets and leather chaps, who cares? BandidasDVD.com

Idiocracy Mike Judge’s dark follow-up to Office Space you’ve never heard of, thanks to Fox anti-marketing. Luke Wilson is frozen in a military experiment, only to awaken in 2505 as the smartest man alive—because the rest of the world has gotten dumber. Cult classic or vision? IdiocracyDVD.com

The Night Listener The biggest stretch of The Night Listener might be the idea of a late-night talk-radio show that isn’t about UFOs, the Rapture or global conspiracies. Even stranger, Robin Williams is upstaged and out-creepy-ed by Toni Collette in this psychological thriller. The end must be nigh! Miramax.com

Rebelde: Season 1 The Mexican telenovela set in a private school populated with hot teens who have a band (RBD) and, apparently, free reign to modify their already skimpy uniforms. Since the DVD is subtitled, maybe gringos will finally understand what the hell they’ve been watching on Univision. Rebelde.tv

More New DVD Releases (Jan. 9) Crank, Extras: Season 1, The Illusionist, MI-5: Season 4, Stan Lee’s Lightspeed

BROADBAND
Dr. Phil: Raging Pantload Posted on YouTube.com last month, this three-minute clip defies you to determine who’s the bigger douchebag: The producer of the Bumfights video series (dressed in a cheap suit with a shaved head and mustache, admirably mocking the Doc), or Dr. Phil grandstanding and throwing him off the set (actually, security guards do the dirty work) without even beginning an interview. Let’s say it’s Dr. Phil ...

Sopraneutered

Gabba Gabba Goo The Sopranos debuts in post-HBO life tonight on A&E. Goes something like this ...

The Masses? Asses

Oh, You People The People's Choice Awards tonight proved that the people are nothing if not predictable—except, Halle Berry for favorite female action star for X-Men 3? Was she even IN X-Men 3? That was Famke Janssen's movie, you pinheads! TV choices like The Class and Heroes were at least interesting, but then the people pissed it all away on Nickelback (shudder, gag) and a slew of prizes for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (an even worse sequel than X-Men 3). As The Kills once said, "fuck the people." Your, uh, winners:

Movies
Female star: Jennifer Aniston
Male star: Johnny Depp
Leading lady: Cameron Diaz
Leading man: Vince Vaughn
Female action star: Halle Berry
Male action star: Johnny Depp
On-screen matchup: Johnny Depp & Keira Knightley
Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Movie drama: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Movie comedy: Click
Family movie: Cars

Music

Female singer: Carrie Underwood
Male singer: Kenny Chesney
Group: Nickelback
R&B song: "SexyBack" by Justin Timberlake
Hip-hop song: "Shake That" by Eminem
Pop song: "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira
Country song: "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
Rock song: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi
Song from a movie: "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts from Cars
Remake: "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts

TV
Comedy: Two & a Half Men
Animated comedy: The Simpsons
Drama: Grey's Anatomy
Competition/Reality show: American Idol
New Comedy: The Class
New Drama: Heroes
Female star: Eva Longoria
Male star: Patrick Dempsey
Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres

Wait, Grey's Anatomy is a drama? Proud to be an American ...

Samurai Lesbians

Afro Samurai Thursday 1.4 (Spike) Series Debut: The title almost says it all: A samurai (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson—underexposure is not an option) with a sweet afro cuts a swath of vengeance through a war-torn Anime Japan of the future against a hip-hop soundtrack. The story’s nothing new (always with the avenging of the villain-slain father—why never any payback for the creepy second cousin?), but the animation and music are so good, you have to wonder why it’s on Spike. OK, you don’t … and neither do I.

Jake 2.0 Friday 1.5 (Sci-Fi) Rerun Debut: Government computer geek Jake Foley (Christopher Gorham) is accidentally injected with nanobots—microscopic robots to you non-Wired readers—and suddenly gains superhuman strength, heightened senses and the ability to get laid. Jake 2.0, one of the very few quality series ever produced by the late UPN, was seen by a dozen people when it aired in 2003, all of whom messaged to each other “Hey, this should be on the Sci-Fi Channel.” Machine dreams come true—with four never-before-seen episodes, to (re)boot. Set phasers to pun! Ack!

Grease: You’re the One That I Want Sunday 1.7 (NBC) Series Debut: PR says, “NBC will search for the next Danny and Sandy in Grease: You’re the One That I Want, a new talent-competition series where America will ultimately get to choose the two leads for a new Broadway production of the hit musical Grease.” True TV says, “Hold ‘er steady … now put the bullet right here in my brain.”

I’m From Rolling Stone Sunday 1.7 (MTV) Series Debut: Six pretty young writers in a realty-competition series to win a gig with Rolling Stone magazine—since it’s for MTV, you know it’s gonna get catty in the hot tub. Which is typically misleading, because journalists are never catty (they’re just all bitches!), they don’t go near hot tubs (they’re never invited … because they’re all bitches!) and they’re rarely pretty (but always bitches!). The winner’s first assignment: brushing out David Fricke’s wig.

The L Word Sunday 1.7 (Showtime) Season Premiere: What did The Only TV Column That Matters™ say about this when it debuted two years ago? “The L Word is Melrose Place with a message—and more hot lesbian sex.” Now, here in Season 4, I’m wondering where all the hot lesbian sex went as the Important Message pile gets higher and higher. This time around, after getting the resolutions for Shane’s wedding walkout (answer: write her partner out of the show) and the escalating Bette/Tina custody battle (answer: invoke the ghost of Johnnie Cochrane) from last season out of the way, it’s onto pregnant Kit’s run-in with pro-lifers, jetsetter Helena being cut off from the family fortune, transsexual Max and not-so-much-bi Jenny falling apart, Shane’s little brother being dumped on her doorstep and the Return of Marina—all in the first episode; no time for hot lesbian sex, natch. Fortunately, the Drama! Drama! Drama! lightens up in coming episodes, with some comic relief in the form of new character Papi, a Latina from the wrong side of Rodeo Drive whose prolific playa skills surpass even Shane’s, and Jenny’s revenge campaign against a critic who gives her book a bad review. And yes, a little hot lesbian sex. Thanks.

The Sopranos Wednesday 1.10 (A&E) Cleaned-Up Rerun Debut: Sure, Sex and the City and Six Feet Under both made smooth transitions from freewheelin’ HBO to tighter-lipped commercial TV, but The Sopranos without F-bombs? The Morally-Outraged Pinheads (MOPs) are already freaking (coincidentally, the word that’s replaced “fucking”) over the very idea of the infamously blue mob drama running on basic cable in 90 million homes. Good enough for me—freak ‘em up the freakin’ freak hole, A&E!

DVD
Beer League To be exact, it’s Artie Lange’s Beer League—so as not to be confused with William Shakespeare’s Beer League. If Beerfest and The Benchwarmers were just too cerebral for you … then how exactly are you making out these words? Is Howard Stern reading this to you? EchoBridgeHE.com

The Covenant For those who wished The Craft had starred pouty-boy models instead of flat-chested goth girls, director Renny Harlin (remember him?) brings you The Covenant, a movie that could only be gayer with a Scissor Sisters soundtrack. No, scratch that: It’s as gay as gay can be. SonyPictures.com

Martin: Season 1 At one time, way back in the ‘90s, Martin Lawrence was a funny mofo and Fox could produce a sitcom that didn’t suck out loud—this long-long-overdue DVD set of Martin’s 1992-93 debut season is absolute proof of both. It’s been too long when even Sheneneh is a welcome sight. HBO.com

Snakes on a Plane Samuel L. Jackson’s finest cinematic performance since Pulp Fiction? Yeah, let’s go with that. New Line’s attempt to manufacture an instant cult classic didn’t quite pan out, but Snakes on a Plane is still juicy B-flick fun. If only Mystery Science Theater 3000 were here to screen it. NewLine.com

BROADBAND
OurChart.com In the new season of The L Word, Alice puts her handwritten chart of lesbian hookups on the Internet—not so coincidentally, so has Showtime. OurChart.com is meant to be kind of a gay MySpace, a social network with content and direction from series creator Ilene Chaiken and stars Jennifer Beals, Katherine Moennig and Leisha Hailey (all founding partners). Sounds great, but can they keep Tila Tequila and Dane Cook out?