Survivor: Fiji Thursday 2.8 (CBS)Season Premiere: Last time around it was the controversial “race wars,” pitting tribes of different nationalities against each other … for two whole weeks, then it was business as usual. Now, evil reality-TV kingpin Mark Burnett is promising all kinds of new bullshit “shocking twists” that will eventually turn out to be the same old cast of grimy whiners playing sticks and fire on a stupid island—and you’re all still going watch rapt. Purely coincidental that his next project is Fox’s Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?
Juvies Thursdays (MTV) After years of creating young criminals, MTV now chronicles their daily lives in a juvenile center—I love this network! Whatever did they program before reality shows? What’s that you say? Music? Ha!
The 49th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday 2.11 (CBS) Everybody knows music is dead; the Grammy Awards prove it once a year. Take the Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocal category—first of all, the title’s longer than the careers of most Best New Artists. Second, you’ve got The Raconteurs’ “Steady as She Goes,” a direct rip-off of Joe Jackson’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” vs. the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Dani California,” a blatant crib of Tom Petty’s “Last Dance With Mary Jane”—not to mention their 78th single featuring the abuse of a “California” reference. Then there are the nominations for talent-averse groups like the Pussycat Dolls (Spice Girls 2.0 with extra skank on the side) and Stone Sour (Puddle of Mudd minus the jaunty backwards baseball cap) … MTV really used to waste airtime on this stuff? Wild.
Tim & Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job; Saul of the Mole Men Sunday 2.11 (Adult Swim)Live-Action Series Debuts: Late at night, the Cartoon Network becomes Adult Swim—legally, it doesn’t have to include animation (call a lawyer if you must). The duo’s Tom Goes to the Mayor was barely animated at all, so Tim & Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job is a logical-ish extension that mashes-up elements of Mr. Show, Wondershowzen and blunt trauma to the head, all in network-defying live-action. Saul of the Mole Men sends up low-budget Saturday-morning action-adventures of the ‘70s (Land of the Lost, Electra Woman & Dyna Girl, et al), then dumbs ‘em down even further and, like Awesome Show and most everything else on Adult Swim, shrinks it to an ADD-palatable 15 minutes—c’mon, we’ll watch anything for 15 minutes … Do you have any gum? Let’s ride bikes!
The Bad Girls Club Tuesdays (Oxygen) The new favorite show of The Only TV Column That Matters™ … at least for one episode. The set-up: Seven self-proclaimed “bad girls” live together in a typical SoCal Reality House in order to confront and tame their “badness,” or something. What really happens: Bitches go crazy! There’s fighting and crying galore, but The Bad Girls Club’s moment of infamy arrived when housemate Ripsi (no one saw it coming with that name?) got blackout drunk and went on a blotto furniture-destroying, trash-talking, hair-pulling, throat-throttling rampage that was like a harmonic convergence of Jerry Springer, Cops and America’s Next Top Tequila-Soaked Waif. In other words, great TV—and apparently the only episode Oxygen ever repeats, constantly. Cool with me.
DVD The Amazing Screw-On Head Paul Giamatti voices the title character, a secret-agent metal head that screws into robot bodies to battle the evil Emperor Zombie at the behest of President Lincoln—yeah, hard to believe the Sci-Fi Channel has yet to turn this into a regular animated series. For steampunk geeks only. LionsGate.com
The Grudge 2 Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Joan of Arcadia take on Japanese creepies in a horror sequel at least as unanticipated as The Ring 2—or even The Blair Witch Project 2 (remember that?). Since everyone here is more concerned with looking pretty than acting, it’s at least … pretty. SonyPictures.com
Incubus College coeds are terrorized by a serial killer in an abandoned factory. Don’t ask why the hell they’re in an abandoned factory—ask why we’re supposed to believe Tara Reid as a college coed. While you’re at it, ask why a horror movie is named after a pansy-ass rock band. Go ahead. SonyPictures.com
More New DVD Releases (2.6) Baywatch: Season 3, Charmed: Season 7, Flags of Our Fathers, Flicka, Hellboy: Sword of Storms, Hollywoodland, Running With Scissors, The Science of Sleep, Trust the Man
BROADBAND
The Bad Girls Club Oxygen, which was supposed to be a Web-savvy network when it launched, is sorely lacking in Bad Girls Club content—the drunken catfights and other good bits (whatever those may be) are everywhere else on the Internet butOxygen.com. A YouTube search on the series is better than the actual show:
The Sarah Silverman Program Thursday 2.1 (Comedy Central)Series Debut: Loved her movie Jesus is Magic, but not the stand-up comedy bits? Something is seriously wrong with you, which is why The Sarah Silverman Program exists. Silverman plays herself in a loosely-scripted “sitcom” that breaks into musical numbers and animation-hallucinations on a dime, antagonizing her sister Laura (played by her sister, Laura Silverman), nerdy gay neighbors Brian and Steve (Brian Posehn and Steve Agee—probably not really gay) and Officer Jay (Jay Johnston—probably not really a cop) with her Wacky Sarah Antics. Silverman’s cute-girl-who-says-horrible-things shtick (“Today I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years … but that young black women are prostitutes”) may lose its punch as she becomes more famous (jagshemash, Borat), but her Program’s debut episode—wherein Sarah’s arrested for driving drunk on cough syrup—promises she has plenty of other tricks up her snotty sleeve … and they’re way more strange and scary. Best line of the ep: “And that’s how I got into crack—Latter-day Saints, my ass.”
Mad TV Saturday 2.3 (Fox) Mary Lynn Rajskub of 24 drops by and mistakes the Asian guy from Mad TV for the Asian guy from Heroes. Yes, it is a gross underutilization of her comedic talents, and furthers the ongoing “Who’s Geek-Sexier: 24’s Chloe or The Office’s Pam?” negotiations not one iota. Far be it from True TV to suggest a pressed-shirts-and-bare-knuckles brawl between the actresses on the later-night Talk Show With Spike Feresten to settle the score, but … who’s Spike Feresten? Come on, we’ve been over this before …
Super Bowl XLI Sunday 2.4 (CBS)Chicago Bears vs. Indianapolis Colts at Dolphin Stadium in Miami: Damn, that’s a lot of animal names … and thus ends my entire span of interest in the Super Bowl. What I really want to know is: Why is CBS plugging an episode of Criminal Minds in the coveted post-Bowl slot? The show’s already an inexplicably huge hit; it’s not like it needs the viewer-boost or anything—why not give the more ratings-deficient sitcoms How I Met Your Mother and/or The Class a shot? Surely, either could stand up against such stiff Super Bowl counter-programming as …
Puppy Bowl III Sunday 2.4 (Animal Planet) It’s still just a bunch of stupid hairballs nuzzling each other around on a miniature plastic football field, with a kitten halftime show and, a first this season, a tailgate party. Get it? Tail-gate? Wait, don’t eat that shotgun barrel just yet: Puppy Bowls I and II are now available on DVD! Why oh why do the terrorists hate us so?
Rules of Engagement Monday 2.5 (CBS)Series Debut: Because of lazy-ass sitcoms like this. Didn’t think anything could come along to make Fox’s ‘Til Death (which, by the way, is still on) look like revolutionary television, but Rules of Engagement … yeah, even the title’s phoning it in. All you need to know: Patrick Warburton and Megyn Price are the bitter married couple, Oliver Hudson and Bianca Kajlich are the starry-eyed engaged couple, David Spade is the blissfully single ‘n’ snarky poon-hound, and then nothing happens for a few weeks until The New Adventures of Old Christine comes back.
Lost Wednesday 2.7 (ABC) Return: Does Jack save or sacrifice Ben? Do Kate and Sawyer get away? What’s the deal with Juliet? Are any of these names ringing a bell? You know, since they’ve been off the air for three months and about 12 new Wednesday ABC dramas have come and gone—all of which answered more questions and tied up more plotlines in swift cancellation than Lost has in two-and-a-half seasons? All’s I’m saying is, kill Charlie. It’s time.
DVD The Comedians of Comedy/Live at the El Rey Combo DVD of the 2005 tour movie The Comedians of Comedy (Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis and Maria Bamford, mostly off-stage) and a show at L.A’s El Rey. If the term “alternative comedy” means anything to you, get this. AnchorBayEntertainment.com
The Festival Fake reality-doc comedy from the Independent Film Channel, about a nobody filmmaker desperately trying to screen his movie at the Sundance-ish Mountain United Film Festival (nice acronym). As a satire of such fests and Hollywood, genius; casual observers, best just move along. NewVideo.com
Flyboys The fighter pilots of World War I were all hunky male models? Every plane in the German fleet was painted like the Red Baron’s? Historical inaccuracies aside (never cross a WWI buff), Flyboys at least features some great aerial shots and action sequences—and no Nickelback. MGM.com
Lucky Louie Love it or hate it (there’s no middle ground), Louis C.K.’s Lucky Louie was like no other HBO series before it, capturing the drab-cheap look of bad ‘80s sitcoms and jolting the system with foul language and strictly adult content. Now if it had only been funny enough for a second season. HBO.com
More New DVD Releases (1.30) Catch a Fire, Dallas: Season 6, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Season 1, Law & Order: SVU: Season 3, The Marine
BROADBAND The Class CBS’ freshman sitcom has undergone mucho tinkering since its September debut (buh-bye, newscaster lady) and even scored a left-field People’s Choice Award—despite all this, it’s still funny. Now the network is posting video of The Class’ table reads and show rehearsals, of interest to those who prefer old-school theater interactivity to video-blog amateur hour.
What Isn't On Tonight The greatest threats to the hemisphere, American Idol and President Dubya, have knocked the return of Fox's Bones back a week, to Jan. 31. Swell. Now I have to wait even longer for some of that Brennen & Booth magic, all because delusional idiots just have to audition to be karaoke stars and world leaders. But wasn't it a helluva State of the Union address last night? Look closely: Dick Cheney's trying to shed his skin ...
Judge (Insert Name Here) Weekdays (Any Channel) There are now more judges on daytime TV then there are on the Supreme Court—I can’t back those numbers up, but I know you’re not going to research it. Unlike the Good Ol’ Days when there was only The People’s Court (which continues sans Judge Wapner, an artistic travesty akin to Van Halen without Michael Anthony—for the love!), now there’s wall-to-wall gavel jockeys presiding over heady nail-salon disputes and riveting playa-hata-vs.-baby-momma injunctions. Meanwhile, on Court TV, it’s … Beach Patrol? What’s gone wrong here?
The Rachael Ray Show Weekdays (KSL 5) Religions have been founded upon the hatred of Rachael Ray—go ahead, look it up, I have the stats on this one. But, “Retchel” (or “Raytard,” as some prefer) was also voted our second-most-trusted celebrity in a Forbes poll last year, between Tom Hanks and Michael J. Fox and far above the demon who spawned her, Oprah. This, of course, means that Queen O is behind the Rachael Ray Sucks movement. As for her show, all Ray seems to do is cook inedible meals real fast while squeaking/screaming through that Joker mouth while her audience orgasmically laps up it up like a combo cure for cancer and muffintop. In other words, a thousand times better her lead-out show, KSL’s blandtastic Studio 5.
The Megan Mullally Show Weekdays (Fox 13) The undisputed contender for the worst syndicated daytime talk show since Tony Danza … until she was cancelled, so catch those fascinating sit-downs with Barry Manilow and Antonio Sabato Jr. while you still can before The Megan Mullally Show is replaced with Judge Reinhold (it’s not just an Arrested Development gag—he really is the last Judge to not have a show greenlighted). Of all the things wrong with Mullally’s variety-chat trainwreck, her interviewing style—somewhere between Ellen DeGeneres and an unbalanced spin cycle—was probably its ultimate downfall. Well, that and the stiff competition from …
The Dr. Keith Ablow Show Weekdays (KJZZ 14) Make that just plain stiff: If this strip-mall Dr. Phil were any duller, he’d be a regular on Studio 5. Even when Ablow tries to spice up the show with salacious guest solicitations, it comes out like this (actual “Be on the Show” topic): “Do you worry about your young daughter idolizing stars like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton? Does your young daughter want to act like Britney and Paris by going out and wearing clothes like they do?” Are you still awake? Ask your pharmacist about Ablow, the best daytime sleep aid since the Zoloft Margarita (recipe on Rachel Ray’s Website).
Geraldo at Large Weekdays (Fox 13) Another syndie dog that’s long been cancelled but continues to take up space between Judge shows, Fox’s “news” magazine made the fatal mistake of including the name Geraldo in the title when Free Mustache Rides or Douche on the Loose would have enticed/tricked more viewers. Will somebody just bring back Hard Copy, already?
The Greg Behrendt Show Weekdays (Utah’s 24) Oh. My. Gawd. From talentless stand-up comedian to talentless author (He’s Just Not That Into You and some other identical book) to talentless talk-show host, it’s Greg Behrendt, renaissance hack. Mr. “Rock & Roll Comic” is what Dane Cook will be in 10 years should he suffer blunt-instrument brain damage, frost his tips and farm out his joke-writing to the coke-damaged chimp pools that service “Morning Zoo” radio shows—sure, that’s what housewives want in the afternoon. Apparently not: The Greg Behrendt Show pulls even lower ratings than the previously-mentioned cancelled talkers, which means it’s almost Uncomfortable Phone Call time: “Hi, Greg? It’s not you, it’s … OK, it is you. Can you have your shit out of the studio by five?”
DVD The Puffy Chair A New York fuck-up drives to North Carolina to pick up a recliner he bought off eBay, needy girlfriend and childhood hang-ups in tow—pretty much everything you want in an indie flick. Critics say The Puffy Chair is everything Little Miss Sunshine shot for and missed … crazy critics. Netflix.com
Saw III Not that anyone’s likely to be jumping in at this point, but if you haven’t seen Saws I and II (and blogged extensively about ‘em), rent the lot and have yourself a bloody five hours—you deserve it. Remember, any slasher-movie franchise employing Shawnee Smith can’t be all bad. LionsGate.com
Sherrybaby A recovering drug addict (Maggie Gyllenhaal) gets out of prison and struggles to reconnect with her 5-year-old daughter in New Jersey—yes, it’s another feel-good indie. As always, Gyllenhaal nails it, even though Sherrybaby is essentially a grainy Lifetime movie with bonus sex and drugs. IFCFilms.com
Walker, Texas Ranger: Season 2 Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep … he waits. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch—he decides what time it is. Chuck Norris cannot love; he can only not kill. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus. Chuck Norris doesn’t want you to buy his DVD … he wants you to eat it. Paramount.com
More New DVD Releases (Jan. 23)Crooks, The Guardian, Hopeless Pictures: Season 1, The Invincible Iron Man, Jesus Camp, Kounterfeit, This Film is Not Yet Rated, The Waltons: Season 4
BROADBAND Pirates of the Great Salt Lake Despite the setting and the presence of actor Kirby Heyborne, Pirates of the Great Salt Lake is not an LDS comedy—check the furiously fast trailer saturating the Internet: It’s actually funny … at least for two minutes.
International Non-Incident Maybe you've heard about the hubbub over the pond on Celebrity Big Brother in Britain—no, not the Leo Sayer thing. Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty and housemate/hell harpy Jade (famous only for being on a previous Big Brother) have been fighting for weeks; Jade was voted off the show Friday night. The whole thing has become a flashpoint for India/England race relations ... or something. ABC's Nightline produced a detailed feature story about Shilpagate last week—you tell me if this is news:
Hillary Clinton's Inspiration? CW entertainment prez Dawn Ostroff told a room full of doughy TV critics Friday that Veronica Mars has been doing just great following Gilmore Girls Tuesdays on the new sorta-network. She then followed up with the news that The Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll reality series would be replacing Veronica for eight weeks beginning in March. The TV critics were torn: Veronica Mars is about the only smart, strong young female headliner on the tube these days ... but those Pussycat Dolls! Damn! P-Dolls creator Robin Antin (sister of Blow Out crybaby Jonathan) then insisted that "there’s nothing slutty about it. There's nothing skanky about it. Their clothing is cute," then added that the Dolls are "inspiring to women. The message is just finding your 'inner Doll.'" Yeah, don't you wish your teen daughter was a freak them?
The Day the Music Died (Again) Last night, 37.3 million viewers tuned into the season premiere of American Idol, the largest audience for Fox's karaoke showdown ever. Of course, the tryouts were pure crap, and it's only going to get slightly less ear-raping from here. By all means, let's keep encouraging these otherwise useless fucks to reach for the stars, America—the music industry ain't going to kill itself.
And Fuck Steely Dan, Too Catch that NFL playoff game between the New Orleans Saints and the Philadelphia Eagles on Fox last weekend? Have you filed your FCC complaint for irreversible damage to you and your children’s psyches? Fox cameras panned to the stands during the first quarter to capture celebrating Saints fans, only to get a four-second flash of a woman wearing a belly-shirt bearing the message “Fuck Da Eagles.” Sportswriters across the nation were outraged, though not over the bastardization of “the.” “It’s equivalent to flipping a vulgar hand sign at the government,” wrote The Washington Post about Fox’s lapse at the delay button. “And to many viewers, as well, who doubtless are watching this game with their children.” Yeah, because a word is far worse for The Children than watching millionaire dopers bash each other around a field. The Parents Television Council has fired up the form e-mail machine, so maybe we can finally get football off network TV.
Digital Nips In other Fascist Communications Cabal news, Desperate Housewives producer Marc Cherry revealed this week that “I spend like $100,000 a week taking nipples out of my show because I’ve got a couple of actresses who refuse to wear bras, and the [FCC-fearing ABC] Standards & Practices go ‘Can’t see that.’ Then I'll turn on Friends and it’s a nipplefest.” While ABC is fretting over deadly RT, the body count for the season premiere of 24 this week on Fox was in the thousands—and yet Fox spent more time apologizing for Da Eagles shirt. Lighten up, ABC—Teri Hatcher's nipples will be pointing to the floor by the end of this season, anyway.
Our Man JarodThe Pretender, a fine NBC series that lasted from 1996 to 2000 on Saturday nights (!), then was cancelled and brought back due to popular demand in the '01 TNT movies The Pretender 2001 (cool) and Island of the Haunted (not so much), disappeared from TNT reruns long ago, but has since resurfaced on, of all channels, Hallmark. Every weeknight at midnight, I gets my Miss Parker fix. God, I've missed that chainsmoking psychobitch ...
The O’Reilly Factor, The Colbert Report Thursday 1.18 (Fox News, Comedy Central) The greatest crossover event in basic-cable history, or simply a shrewd promotional circle jerk featuring only two jerks in the circle? The Answer: Yes! Stephen Colbert, who’s based his Colbert Report character (or, by now, perhaps true persona—absolute power, etc.) on Bill O’Reilly, will appear on Fox News’ O’Reilly Factor; then, O’Reilly will guest on Colbert’s Comedy Central show. Apparently, it’s all out of mutual professional respect: “I look forward to the evening,” Colbert said last week. “It’s an honor to speak face-to-face with a broadcasting legend, and I feel the same way about Mr. O’Reilly.” I honestly don’t know which show will be more entertaining …
Monk, Psych Friday 1.19 (USA)Season Premieres: Well, winter premieres—USA likes to break ‘em up and spread ‘em out. What’s new since The Only TV Column That Matters™ covered the late-summer finales of Monk and Psych? The former remains exactly the same; nothing much ever changes in Monkland except for the new USA show stars that Tony Shaloub has to shoot promos with—how ‘bout one with Jewel and Cowboy Troy? The latter’s funny formula (observant slacker passes himself off as a psychic to work with the police and pick up girls) hasn’t gone stale just yet, but it could easily Jump the Matlock. Right, Monk? The Dresden Files, Battlestar Galactica Sunday 1.21 (Sci-Fi)Series Debut/Series Return: Speaking of NBC/Universal-owned quirky smart-ass detectives with fashionable stubble, meet Harry Dresden, the wizard P.I. The series is based on the novels of Jim Butcher, so expect the literati to complain even though Dresden is a well-executed, if simplified, adaptation, and leads Paul Blackthorne (24) and Valerie Cruz (Nip/Tuck) are far better than you’d expect from a Sci-Fi series without Battlestar in its title. As for Galactica, rumors are flying that beloved fuck-up Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff) will be killed sometime before the end of this season, but attention will soon be diverted to Cylon 6 (Tricia Helfer) in the February issue of Playboy. Trust me.
Prison Break Monday 1.22 (Fox)Return: Tonight’s Prison Break comeback episode is titled “John Doe,” which is funny because Dominic Purcell (the one with the thicker shaved head) starred in another Fox series long ago called John Doe. Even funnier, even though it was a high-concept science-fiction drama, it was still more believable than Prison Break. And we laughed …
Heroes, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Monday 1.22 (NBC)Returns: Seems like it’s been forever, huh? I mean for Heroes; Studio 60 could have been running all-new episodes for a month now and you probably wouldn’t have noticed. Rejoining Heroes, Peter’s still in a coma, Eden’s still dead, Sylar’s still incapacitated (and listed as a non-permanent “guest star”), Hiro and Ando are searching for the samurai sword from Isaac’s painting, Niki/Jessica turns herself into the police against Jessica/Niki’s wishes, and Claire’s apparently never getting out of that cheerleader uniform (no complaints here). On Studio 60, Matt’s doomed obsession with Harriet continues, as does Danny’s doomed obsession with Jordan and producer Aaron Sorkin’s doomed obsession with Aaron Sorkin.
Bones Wednesday 1.24 (Fox)Return: Bones' serial-killer arch-nemesis Epps is on the loose (another one of those “prison breaks”), and Booth’s former/current flame Cam’s life is hanging in the balance! Who will win in this deadly game of cat-and-mouse? Oh, who do you think? The only real question is, is it too early in the season to send Cam to dirtnap central? Or do we have to wait until Sweeps? Just askin.’
DVD Employee of the Month Comedian Dane Cook’s bid to become a movie star is crushed by the thespian screen-dominance of Jessica Simpson’s tits … poor bastard never stood a chance. Still, there’s some funny to be found in this Office-Space-does-CostCo romantic comedy—too bad it was all in the trailers. LionsGate.com
Gridiron Gang Why not just make The Scorpion King 2, Rock? Er, Dwayne? That’s what we all want from you, not the uplifting tale of a juvie-league football team battling against the odds to become The Bad News Ballers. So it’s based on a true story—big deal, so was The Scorpion King. Wasn’t it? SonyPictures.com
The King of Queens: Season 7 One of the most underrated sitcoms on network TV—even if you can only tell one season from another by Leah Rimini’s hair (Season 7’s was very good, BTW). No Valuable Life Lessons are ever learned on The King of Queens, but it never fails to deliver laughs. Yeah, it’s a UPS joke. SonyPictures.com
That’s So Suite Life of Hanna Montana Try to follow: Malibu teen Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) leads a double life as rock star Hannah Montana, a secret known only to her manager father (real-life dad Billy Ray Cyrus) and, oh, pretty much everyone else. Why? Look, you’re already asking way too many questions … Disney.com
BROADBAND In Case of Emergency May have been hasty weeks ago in declaring ABC’s new In Case of Emergency sucktastic; the manic, politically/morally-incorrect sitcom about four 30-something friends who’ve taken a wrong turn or 12 in life is almost the network answer to cable’s It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Check the video clips—especially the critically-reviled “Korean massage” scene from the pilot. Ah, Kelly Hu …
Breathalyzer Idol No judging: If I'd sold my soul to Simon Cowell and that Satanic shit-cannon called American Idol, I wouldn't be able to promote it sober in the morning, either. Live and loaded from Seattle, take it away, Paula ...
Survivor: Fiji Thursday 2.8 (CBS) Season Premiere: Last time around it was the controversial “race wars,” pitting tribes of different nationalities against each other … for two whole weeks, then it was business as usual. Now, evil reality-TV kingpin Mark Burnett is promising all kinds of new bullshit “shocking twists” that will eventually turn out to be the same old cast of grimy whiners playing sticks and fire on a stupid island—and you’re all still going watch rapt. Purely coincidental that his next project is Fox’s Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?
