DVDs 5.1.07

Dreamgirls Beyonce Knowles, Jennifer Hudson and another girl sing, fight and cry in the big-haired ‘60s, then get snubbed for some Oscars. And, scene. Paramount.com

The Girls Next Door: Season 2 Despite what you’ve seen on E!, Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends are not all retarded. Only Kendra is. Hope that clears things up. FoxHome.com

Illegal Aliens Anna Nicole Smith’s final tour de force, about alien bimbos protecting Earth from intergalactic evil. Yes, another Oscar snub. MTIVideo.com

Little Children Bored suburbanites (Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson) have an affair; a pedophile (Jackie Earl Haley) comes home; another feel-good hit. NewLine.com

Melrose Place: Season 2 No more Valuable Life Lessons—just backstabbing, bitchiness, brawls and Heather Locklear. Hence, the single greatest series of the ‘90s. Paramount.com

What I Like About You: Season 1 Amanda Bynes and Jennie Garth in The WB’s version of Sex and the City—minus sex, plus (usually) funnier jokes. What took so long? WarnerBros.com

More New DVD Releases (5.1) Alpha Dog, Beverly Hills 90210: Season 2, The Hitcher, King of Queens: Season 8, Will & Grace: Season 6

BROADBAND
VBS.tv If YouTube.com had some focus and quality control, or a cable network just had the balls to try anything and everything … it still might not be as cool as VBS.tv, a free “online broadcast network” that lives up to its own subtitle. Shorts from around the world, ranging from the serious and geopolitical, to alternative comics getting freaky, to casual chats with nude models, to bands you’ve never heard of, VBS.tv quite literally has it all. Good luck getting away from it once you’re sucked in.

You Know, the Mormons ...

No, I didn’t watch Part 1 of the PBS Frontline documentary The Mormons tonight. Why? First, it’s on PBS—think I have it blocked on the cable. Second, living in Salt Lake City, I hear plenty about the LDS Church, anyway; don’t really need another four hours of it, thank you. Besides, you can learn everything you need to know in a mere 22-minute South Park episode (Season 7’s “All About the Mormons,” from 2003). But, if you’re still curious, here’s an exclusive clip from the documentary:

Drive Fast, Die Pretty

Drove Firefly, Wonderfalls, The Inside—why exactly do Tim Minear and Fox continue to work together? Like those three critically-loved/audience-rejected series, Minear’s Drive (about an illegal cross-country race, as characters would mention every 10 minutes) has been pulled off the air before it could complete its low-rated run and replaced with—wait for it—House repeats. But for the few hundred of you who were sucked in, the remaining two episodes will either burn-off on Friday nights in the summer or stream-off online at Fox.com or be distributed via strategically hidden VHS tapes scattered throughout the nation’s highway rest stops. And … go!

Human Giant Thursdays (MTV) So it’s been on for a month—how was I supposed to know MTV was going to slip in a show that’s not about brain-dead teens and 20-somethings hooking up to produce the next (or Next) bastard generation of brain-dead MTV viewers and stars? Can’t imagine why MTV doesn’t contact me about these things. Anyway, Human Giant is the Internet-bred baby of comics Aziz Ansari, Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer, a series of short-film sketches so hysterically un-P.C. and Mr. Show-tilted that I’ve almost forgotten my pure, burning hatred of Paul Scheer. Almost. Among the many instant-classic bits (available online pretty much everywhere) is a blockbuster-film recreation of the Sept. 11 saga, starring children, titled Lil’ 9/11. Hey, it has a shot at the Lil’ Oscars, motherfuckers.

Shark Thursday 5.3 (CBS) Season Finale: James Woods, sleazeball-defense-attorney-turned-city-prosecutor. Jeri Ryan, Los Angeles District Attorney. A team of fab-haired, power-suited models at their disposal. It’s an ER-killin’ hit, but The Only TV Column That Matters™ declared Shark ridiculous (or, as they say on Human Giant, ric-deezy-lus) upon its debut in September. Nothing’s changed; if anything, the show’s gotten cocky and comfortable in its borderline campy, faux-Bruckheimer legal bluster—which makes it waaay more fun than other CBS law fare like Close to Home, an actual Jerry B. production. In the season finale, Stark the Shark faces off (again) with serial killer Billy Campbell, so expect Acting! galore. Or, Ryan’s case, Pouting!

Cold Case, The Unit Sunday 5.6; Tuesday 5.8 (CBS) Season Finales: There’s a certain quadrant of CBS’ schedule that gets huge ratings, yet you’ll never find anyone who’ll admit, even at gunpoint, to watching the shows—trust me, I’ve tried (“Can’t name a CSI:NY character? Don’t push me, punk!”). NCIS is the flagship phantom; Cold Case and The Unit are close behind: The former stars Kathryn Morris and her Bowie Labyrinth wig as a Philadelphia detective who solves crimes committed as far back as the wardrobe budget will allow (‘70s polyester, yes; 1870s petticoats, not so much). The latter stars well-endowed Dennis Haysbert undercover in the porn industry … I think; never actually seen it. Both end their seasons on nail-biting cliffhangers. Or pillow-biting cliffhangers.

Hooters Dream Girl Challenge Tuesday 5.8 (MyNetworkTV) Having failed with knockoff telenovellas, start-up MyNetworkTV is scrambling for viewers—any viewers—with dude-bait programming even Spike has probably passed on. This week, it’s America’s Trashiest Weddings, Body Doubles International Twin Search and this, America’s Next Top Mooseknuckle. Sixteen Hooters waitresses from around the world (tres exotic) compete for the honor of appearing on the cover of … the Hooters Magazine swimsuit issue? Look for it on newsstands next to the Ruby Tuesday Reader.

Jericho Wednesday 5.9 (CBS) Season Finale: In a battle of Springfield vs. Shelbyville proportions, the townsfolk of Jericho take on neighboring New Bern to determine who’ll be the Kings of the Apocalypse—and, sez the CBS PR, “one of Jericho’s own will be lost.” My money’s on Major Dad.

The Return of Dolphin Girl!

Not that they bothered to officially announce it, but NBC has at least noted on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip’s website that the show will finally be returning to the air on Thursday, May 24—the day after May Sweeps are over, coincidentally. How long it lasts there against CBS’ hit Shark and other networks’ fare is anyone’s guess; the famously flopped Aaron Sorkin series’ burn-off could be dealt further indignity with a Saturday or even online death sentence, which would actually be better than Saturday. NBC is still overlooking my brilliant idea to merge semi-hit 30 Rock with Studio 60 to make one mega-tribute to Saturday Night Live. Tiny Fey against Sarah Paulson? Tina wins. Tracy Morgan vs. D.L. Hughley? Tracy wins. Alec Baldwin taking on Steven Weber? Puh-leez. But, no one on 30 Rock can brood like Matthew Perry. Balances out.

Duff Enough

Tonight’s one-hour season finale of Ace of Cakes (Food Network) delivered two impossible creations: A dead-on replica of a Royal typewriter (see, kids, back in the dark ages … never mind) and a football monstrosity roughly the size of a Mini Cooper that Duff and the Charm City Cakes crew drove from Baltimore to Miami for the Super Bowl. Whether these cakes are actually edible is beside the point—they’re engineering and artistic marvels; if you can eat ‘em, bonus. Me, I’m saving up for a cake re-creation of Jimi Hendrix burning his Strat at Monterey Pop (see, kids, Jimi Hendrix … never mind).

DVDs 4.24.07

Moral Orel: Season 1 Everything you need to know about Christianity, in convenient 15-minute stop-animation chunks. You can enjoy it repeatedly … in hell. AdultSwim.com

.45 Milla Jovovich, not in the future nor super-powered, just killing her abusive drug dealer boyfriend. So, it’s a romantic comedy. ThinkFilmCompany.com

Code Name: The Cleaner Cedric the Entertainer is an amnesiac super-spy (or janitor) juggling two women (Nicollette Sheridan, Lucy Liu) and a bad, bad movie. NewLine.com

Déjà Vu Denzel Washington sees the past to solve present crimes. How does that help? Who cares? Here comes the action! Touchstone.movies.go.com

NCIS: Season 3 Either you or your mom watches NCIS—just admit it already. As crime procedurals go, you could do worse … like Criminal Minds. Paramount.com

Satan’s Cannibal Holocaust With a title like that, you need more? OK, fine: Evil Catholic schoolgirls live under the streets and torture and eat coeds. There. ThadiusPictures.com

More New DVD Releases (4.24) Caffeine, Ed, Edd & Eddy: Season 2, Ironside: Season 1, The Lost Tomb of Jesus, Night at the Museum, The Odd Couple: Season 1, One Day at a Time: Season 1, The Queen, Thr3e, WKRP in Cincinnati: Season 1

BROADBAND
Pacific Blue The Only TV Column That Matters™ is constantly having to argue the existence of a ‘90s cable series called Pacific Blue, which was essentially Baywatch on Bikes with pretty bicycle cops (including Paula Trickey, most recently Taylor Townsend’s mom on The O.C.). Nobody ever believes it, but now clips are all over YouTube and vindication is mine. Yes, it is quite a shallow existence ...

Scartarded

I’ve finally found not one, but two shows on MTV I can watch without wishing for the Apocalypse! Human Giant is smart (more on this another time), but Scarred is pure idiot genius: Young dudes on boards, skis, blades and other “extreme sports” conveyances getting utterly fucked up while attempting to perform ridiculous stunts—for the cameras! This is Natural Selection in action. There’s the big build-up (“I totally knew I could pull this off”), the slow-motion approach (“Something was, like, wrong”), the impact (“I could feel my ankle snap in, dude, 40 places”), the screaming like a pussy (“Aaaauuugggh! Ooowww! Bleep!”) and the poignant music followed by “I sure won’t try that again … for a while.” During this, you’re either A. Cheering these “heroes” on or B. Wondering why these boneheads spend more on clothes and hair products than protective gear. Either way, big dumb fun! Mitigating factor: Host Jacoby Shaddix, a Hot Topic casualty who somehow manages to be even more annoying introducing video clips than fronting ‘90s grunt-rock leftovers Papa Roach. Proceed with caution. Or not, even better.

Mars Redacts

Veronica Mars Tuesday 5.1 (The CW) Return: Oh, relax. This is one of the last times you’ll have to read about Veronica Mars here—ever. Inside TV-biz buzz says that our dear Veronica has already been canceled by The CW, and this Season 3 runoff will culminate in a two-hour series finale on May 22. Well, unless there’s a pressing Search for the Next Pussycat Doll reunion/chlamydia-screening special, then forget about closure. On the upside, this will free star Kristen Bell up for deservedly bigger and better things; she was too good for UPN, and definitely above a leftovers network that would cast her aside for far-less-talented hoochies and skanks (Top Models, Pussycat Dolls, One Tree Hillers, take your pick). And, since you’re not watching Veronica Mars on TV, be sure and check out the DVD sets and send me all kinds of “Hey, why did they cancel this great show?” queries later this year, OK?

30 Rock Thursday 4.26 (NBC) Season Finale: Oh, relax. This is the last time you’ll have to read about 30 Rock here—until next season! That’s right: Tina Fey’s unlikely little hit will be back in the fall, which is more than you can say for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, the other “Saturday Night Live show.” True to TV, the 30 Rock gang are heading into summer hiatus in the season finale, and wackiness ensues as Liz comes off her boyfriend high, Tracy’s still missing and Jack’s marriage to the brittle-boned British bird looms—can Dr. Spaceman help? Oh yeah.

October Road Thursday 4.26 (ABC) Series Finale: ABC had the perfect Thursday night with Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy and Men in Trees—until they pissed it all away on October Road, a maudlin 9 p.m. dramarama that might as well have “Just flip over to ER or Shark—hurry!” in the opening credits. Take heart: Men in Trees returns May 10, and October Road will fade into the television ether with …

Six Degrees Friday 4.27 (ABC.com) Online Burn-Off: Or, “Cross-Media Platform Repurpose,” as they probably say in the Wide World of Web. Like NBC’s The Black Donnellys (in case you didn’t notice), Six Degrees is playing out its final episodes online instead of in primetime—which makes perfect sense, to have a star-heavy multimillion-dollar series streaming on the Internet alongside no-budget YouTube videos of geeks in bathrobes smacking each other in the nuts with plastic light sabers. Also, as with the Donnellys, ABC is making the mistake of rolling the episodes out weekly (like it’s TV) instead of making them all available at once (like it’s, oh, the Internet).

Lake Placid 2 Saturday 4.28 (Sci-Fi) I’ll admit it: I actually paid money to see the original Lake Placid in ’99—it was a different century then, and Bridget Fonda was still hot. Not that she isn’t currently hot, I assume; just haven’t seen her since Monkeybone (yeah, paid for that one, too). In this long-unawaited sequel, the babies of the giant killer crocodiles of Lake Placid (which still isn’t the actual Lake Placid, just a placid lake prone to giant killer crocodiles) are grown and out for blood, and they can only be stopped by … John Schneider and Cloris Leachman? What, they couldn’t get Bridg?

The Bad Girls Club Tuesday 5.1 (Oxygen) Season Finale: God, I love this show. Sure, it perpetuates a certain stereotype of “crazy women” who fly into jealous psycho rages and/or crying jags after a few drinks, but come on … we all know one. Some of us even have a scar or bar ejection or two. Ahem. Anyway, imagine a Reality House filled with eight of ‘em while you’re safe on the other side of the screen. Beats the hell out of ESPN 2.

Skanks Ahoy!

The Henry Rollins Show Fridays (IFC) New Season: How did The Only TV Column That Matter™ miss the season premiere of The Henry Rollins Show last week? With guests Marilyn Manson and Peaches? That’s a show! All we get in this week’s installment are Ben Stiller (zzz) and Ryan Adams (had a bath yet, Ry?). Still, for all of its rough edges (Rollins is as good an interviewer as he is a ballad crooner) and hit-and-miss couch fillers (which have ranged from Werner Herzog and Oliver Stone to … Adam Carrolla?), HRS always delivers on the musical-guest side, and Rollins’ uncensored rants are the sharpest and funniest on television. But how about some more Heidi May, Hank?

Acceptable TV Fridays (VH1) Dan Harmon and Rob Schrab created the infamously rejected Heat Vision & Jack for Fox in the ‘90s, then went underground with Channel101.com and now Acceptable.tv. Since Heat Vision & Jack was funny, and absolutely none of the short films shown so far on Acceptable TV (either created within the show or by wannabe YouTube “stars”) have proven these guys have enough talent to even sell camcorders at Circuit City, it must have been a fluke. Or Jack Black. Just sayin.’

TV Land Awards 2007 Sunday 4.22 (TV Land) So, TV Land has been handing out awards to decades-dead shows since 2003 … are you fucking serious? Were Gilligan’s Island and Star Trek really lacking in historical cachet? Once The Brady Bunch is anointed, then what? But, the most frustrating TV Land trophy is the Future Classic Award, which has previously gone to American Dreams (forgotten five minutes after NBC canceled it), Arrested Development (maybe this is worthwhile), Desperate Housewives (just not this season) and Grey’s Anatomy (OK, never mind on the whole “worthwhile” thing). This year’s Future Classic? It’s gotta be …

Heroes Monday 4.23 (NBC) Return: After a Saturday, April 21 catch-up mini-marathon (it’s only been off for six weeks; quit asking me if it’s been canceled), Heroes finally returns so TV critics will have something to piss themselves over now that Friday Night Lights—aka American Dreams 2.0—is gone. Heroes has maintained a brisk pace in story development thus far, and this comeback episode packs in more than five Losts; the biggest WTF? moment arriving for time-traveler Hiro (no, he’s not teleported back into Scrubs). And yes, a Hero dies, at least as much as anyone really “dies” in comic-book/soap-opera world. It’s a vicious one-question-answered-three-more-posed cycle; keep the whining down or NBC will cut back on pricey programming with actual stories and give you more crap like …

The Real Wedding Crashers Monday 4.23 (NBC) Series Debut: As if Thank God You’re Here weren’t punishment enough, here’s another reality-pranker: Improv performers infiltrate actual weddings as guests and/or staff, calamity ensues—and the bride and groom are in on the gag! Aww, ain’t that cute? Who needs Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? Apparently, since NBC is experiencing its lowest-rated season in history right now, even something that looks like a Bravo reject can make it on the air. Can’t wait for Celebrity Ro-Sham-Bo.

The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Tuesday 4.24 (The CW) Season Finale: Smell that? It’s the sweet aroma of female empowerment. Or an un-disinfected stripper pole. Or the Next Pussycat Doll! You’ve heard the jokes: Why do they need another Pussycat who can’t sing? They already have at least five. How many skanks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three to give directions and one to call the OB/GYN. Laugh it up; one lucky girl will join the Pussycat Dolls just in time for their tour of the finest state fairs in the country—what are you doing this summer, Mark McGrath?

DVD
Highlander: Best of the Best There can be only one? Not when it comes to Highlander DVD sets—but this 15-episode collection is tighter than Adrian Paul’s ponytail. AnchorBayEntertainment.com

Mork & Mindy: Season 2 The year when Mork became a newspaper columnist, a Denver Broncos cheerleader and a priest. Aliens takin’ our jobs! Paramount.com

National Lampoon’s Pucked A down-and-out lawyer (Jon Bon Jovi!) buys an all-women’s hockey league with fraudulent credit cards he swiped from Tico Torres. SonyPictures.com

Not Just the Best of The Larry Sanders Show As close as you’ll ever get to owning the entire series on DVD, with 23 episodes and 8 hours of extras. No bitching, no flipping. SonyPictures.com

Smokin’ Aces The Jeremy Piven star-making vehicle that wasn’t is still a slick slice of Tarantino trash, heavy on guns, blood and naked ‘hos. Nice. NBCUniversal.com

The Venture Bros: Season 2 One of the few series on Adult Swim that actually makes sense, The Venture Bros. is still plenty bizarre, and Season 2 is a must. AdultSwim.com

More New DVD Releases (April 17) Happy Days: Season 2, Last King of Scotland, Laverne & Shirley: Season 2, Murder She Wrote: Season 6, Notes on a Scandal, Spider-Man 2.1

BROADBAND
Reh Dogg, “Why Must I Cry?” Not only is he one of the worst rappers ever, he’s prolific! Of all of Reh Dogg’s hysterically bad no-budget videos (almost all taking place in the woods, for some reason), his “Why Must I Cry?” could bring 50 Cent to his knees.

No Pain, No ...

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