True TV 5.22.08: Life & Death

The new True TV column for City Weekly is online and in print now, FYI. Remember that Life show on NBC? Yeah, me too.

Read it here.

Morning Wood With Fergie

In case you weren't up this morning (in any sense), here's a taste of Fergie on NBC's Today Show, shaking her leather moneymaker through a cover of Heart's "Barracuda." Though impressive, the best part isn't her faux fellatio on the tubby guitarist, stripper gyrations, gymnastic cartwheels and even the Axl Rose snake-wiggle, but the horrified expressions on the kiddies' faces up front. Where's the Parent's Television Council?! What about The Children?!

What's Canceled, What's Not

ABC: Canceled
Big Shots >
Carpoolers
Cashmere Mafia
Cavemen
Men in Trees
Miss/Guided
Notes From the Underbelly
October Road
Oprah’s Big Give
Women’s Murder Club

ABC: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
According to Jim
The Bachelor
Boston Legal
Brothers & Sisters
Dancing With the Stars
Desperate Housewives
Dirty Sexy Money
Eli Stone
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Grey’s Anatomy
Lost
Private Practice
Pushing Daisies >
Samantha Who?
Scrubs (from NBC)
Supernanny
Ugly Betty
Wife Swap

CBS: Canceled
Cane
Jericho
Kid Nation
Moonlight >
Power of 10
Secret Talents of the Stars
Shark
Viva Laughlin
Welcome to the Captain

CBS: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
The Amazing Race
The Big Bang Theory
Cold Case
Criminal Minds
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
Ghost Whisperer
How I Met Your Mother
NCIS
The New Adventures of Old Christine
Numb3rs
Rules of Engagement
Survivor
Two & a Half Men
The Unit
Without a Trace >

NBC: Canceled
1 vs. 100
Amnesia
Bionic Woman
Clash of the Choirs
Journeyman
Las Vegas >
My Dad is Better Than Your Dad
Phenomenon
Quarterlife
Scrubs (moving to ABC)
The Singing Bee

NBC: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
30 Rock
The Apprentice
The Biggest Loser
Chuck >
Deal or No Deal
Friday Night Lights
Heroes
Knight Rider
Law & Order
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Life
Lipstick Jungle
Medium
My Name is Earl
The Office

Fox: Canceled
Back to You
Canterbury’s Law
K-Ville
Nashville
New Amsterdam
The Next Great American Band
The Return of Jezebel James >
Unhitched

Fox: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
24
American Dad
American Idol
America’s Most Wanted
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?
Bones
Cops
Don’t Forget the Lyrics
Family Guy
Hell’s Kitchen
House
King of the Hill
Kitchen Nightmares
The Moment of Truth
Prison Break
The Simpsons
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles >
‘Til Death

The CW: Canceled
Aliens in America
Beauty & the Geek
Crowned: Mother of All Pageants
CW Now
Girlfriends
Life is Wild
Online Nation
Pussycat Dolls: Girlicious >
WWE Smackdown (moving to MyNetworkTV)

The CW: Returning Fall 2008/Midseason 2009
America’s Next Top Model
Everybody Hates Chris
The Game
Gossip Girl
One Tree Hill
Reaper >
Smallville
Supernatural

Suicide Girls Shouldn't Act. Even on CSI

Catch tonight's episode of CSI: NY? No? Since you have a life, you missed a howlingly clunky infomerical for the Suicide Girls, wherein a gaggle of real SGs (I recognized one of my faves, Zoli) were involved in a murder investigation and were called upon to "act" like themselves and deliver lines like "We're not Baywatch babes ... or the Pussycat Dolls" and assert the Suicide Girls' agenda of tattooed empowerment. I support 'em, but this was a painfully bad as a '70s CHiPs episode with roller-disco dandies extolling their lifestyle--and just as funny! Observe:

Happy Tru Year

I finally regained access to the ol' True TV blog after two months (don't ask) just in time to watch Court TV click over to TruTV for 2008, thus swiping the name of the television column I've written for Salt Lake City Weekly for nearly 10 years. Happy fucking New Year to me and my nonexistent team of lawyers.

Should anyone still care about 2007, my picks for the best TV shows of the past year went online last week elsewhere--they were all on cable, because broadcast network TV is dead. Sure, some great shows premiered this fall on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and even The CW (Reaper ... how us dozen viewers miss ye), but the ongoing Writers Guild of America strike has pretty much killed even the promising few that were picked up for a full season. A few leftover new eps in January and the 2007-08 season is more or less over. Unless you count reality shows, which no one with an ounce of taste or brains should. Not being elitist--have you seen the shit that's coming?

Anyway, here's hoping the blog of the original True TV gets back on a regular posting schedule for 2008 ... oh, that's on me. Stay tuned ...

And Now a Halloween Treat ...

... From master of horror Garth Marenghi. Please to enjoy ... Dark Place!

Samatha WTF?

ABC announced today that they're giving some show called Samantha Who? a full-season pick-up. From what I gather, it's on Monday nights, stars Christina Applegate, and lots of people apparently watch it because it's between Dancing With the Stars and The Bachelor and their brains are too numbed by geriatric hoofers and nubile skanks to switch the channel. Hey, it's a mandate. Further inspection reveals that Samantha Who? is about a woman who gets run down by a car, falls into brief coma, then awakens with no prior knowledge of what a raging bitch she was before nor of being attached to that What About Brian? (another great ABC series with a name and a question) guy. Wackiness and cute outfits ensue. This gets higher ratings than NBC's Heroes, not to mention CBS' cavalcade of filthy "family" sitcoms. Coma sounds good right about now ...

What True TV's watching tonight:

Bones (Fox) A Halloween episode and an excuse to get Brennan into a sexy costume. Score!

Reaper (The CW) The Devil gives Sam an extra-hard gig for Halloween: Tracking down CW viewers.

Nip/Tuck (FX) Christian and Sean walk all the way from Miami to Hollywood in the season premiere. I'm guessing that's the whole hour, since FX didn't send me a preview.

Rebrand This

What's up with the damn blog? Sorry, been busy with my ongoing battle against Court TV's insistance on changing their name to TruTV--as we all know, I've had the name True TV for years and this whole thing is just pissing me off. The official change doesn't happen until January 2008, but the "rebranding" campaign begins next month. Since Warner Bros. budget is slightly larger than mine, I may lose this one; score another round for Corporate America. So ... how do I get in on that?

Anyway, on tonight's annoyingly Veronica Mars-free Heroes, Sylar (who has apparently joined the Jack Donaghy "Talking Like This" contest) and the Wonder Twins of Death crossed the border from Mexico to 'Merica, only to be confronted by the redneck, uh, "Citizen's" border patrol--Minutemen, but with seemingly better hygiene. Girl Twin turned on her Black Eyes Killin' power and took 'em all out, then the trio drove off and left 'em for dead.

How many whackjob militia sites are going to be lit up with this tonight? Or at least tomorrow on the shortwave radio? Another imaginary attack on our freedoms!

Oh, and this morning's (and past morning's) X96 Radio From Hell TV report is now available in podcast form. I know; I'm as shocked as anyone.

Geek Impact

That whole Chuck vs. Reaper argument? Hack TV critics may not have their "revenge of the nerds" go-to for much longer: Nobody's watching Reaper. I mean nobody. Veronica Mars had three times more viewers in the same CW timeslot last year, and we all know what happened to her.

And as a side note: How is it that Kristen Bell (Veronica) wound up on Heroes this season, but Jason Dohring (Logan) got screwed with a role on CBS' craptacular (but still more watched than Reaper) Moonlight? Now Ghost Whisperer is suddenly high Friday-night art ... sorry, Logan.

Back to Chuck and Reaper: The only similarities are that the shows' leads work in big-box stores and happen to be as good-lookin' as TV stars. That's it. Chuck is an action series with hints of humor. Reaper is a comedy with several toes in sci-fi. When the action slows down on Chuck, the funny ain't there to carry it. Reaper rarely falls flat, no matter what mode it's in. If it were on a real network—say, as a lead-in to Heroes—Reaper would be a Fall Smash. As it is, it's just barely beating out Life is Wild (debuted to exactly 35 viewers last night) and your webcam.

So watch Chuck tonight (and then the multiple reruns on NBC properties Bravo, USA, Sci-Fi, CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, etc.), and watch Reaper REALLY HARD tomorrow night. Who knows, could help ...

All About Hugh

Daddy, what was Cop Rock? So Pushing Daisies might not be the hardest sell of the new season: CBS’ new musical casino drama (yeah, that’s right) Viva Laughlin doesn’t debut for two weeks, but this one-minute YouTube clip of Hugh Jackman singing “Sympathy for the Devil” (also right) surrounded by slot machines and showgirls should keep you laughing for at least that long ...