TV Tonight: Lingerie Football League, Rhett & Link, Late Late Show

What’s new tonight:
Lingerie Football League: Friday Night Football (MTV2) Season Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Rhett & Link: Commercial Kings (IFC) Season Finale: Over so soon? Tonight, R&L produce a cheapo ad for a designated-driver service in Las Vegas—because if there’s anything you want to skimp on, it’s a DD service for Vegas Strip drunks.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson (CBS) CraigyFerg welcomes former (current?) Garbage singer Shirley Manson, who is very, very Scottish. She’s nice to look at and listen to set to music, but speaking? Can’t understand a fooking word. Let’s see if allegedly-Scottish Craig can understand her.

Also new tonight:
Karaoke Battle USA (ABC); Friends With Benefits (NBC); Whisker Wars (IFC); ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Haven (Syfy); Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz); Strike Back (Cinemax); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

As a reminder, this is Garbage (capital “G”):

New Hung Season 3 Trailer

Last night, I powered through the final episodes of FX's Rescue Me (uneven, but everything still ties up nicely), the first Season 4 ep of Sons of Anarchy (the shit is going down!), and the new Season 3 episodes of HBO's Hung. Believe it or not, I enjoyed Hung the most--and not just because of the sex and nudity. Partially, yes, but not entirely.

The new season begins Sunday, Oct. 2, and the bonin' business is tougher than ever for man-'ho Ray (Thomas Jane) and pimpette Tanya (Jane Adams), thanks to the Detroit economy and the wrath of dumped "partner" Lenore (Rebecca Creskoff), who's representing a new, younger he-hooker with the vicious intent to take a bite out of their market. Ray's loony ex-wife (loony Anne Heche) and hysterically homely kids are also back in the mix, and Hung is blatantly dialing the comedy back up after a semi-downer Season 2--no complaints here.

Oh, and Creskoff gets naked frequently again this year. Complaints, none, ditto. The new trailer:

TV Tonight: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage (Again)

This particular Tuesday is fucked, TV-wise: There’s nothing new I can, in good conscience, recommend to watch, nor anything even worth a snarky swipe. So let’s do this …

What’s rerunning tonight:
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) From Sunday: A classic Curb, with Larry and Rosie O’Donnell fighting over the same bisexual woman in NYC. Larry’s edge? “Juicing” with a little blue pill supplied by just-arrived Leon (J.B. Smoove, easily the funniest CYE supporting player ever). The baseball parallels are priceless, and Rosie finally reminds us that she used to be a comedian. And if you think this one is hysterical (you should), wait till the Sept. 4 “Mr. Softee” episode. No wonder Season 8 is killing it in the ratings.

Entourage (HBO) From Sunday: Meanwhile, in the waning weeks of Entourage, the series is showing some signs of getting its shit together—better late than an ill-advised continuation movie, right? In the episode “Motherfucker,” E is seduced into bed by the ex-stepmother of his ex-fiancee Sloan, Melinda Clarke (played nicely by Melinda Clarke). Thing is, actress “Melinda” is also desperate for a gig and begging E to be her agent—what about Nikita? Does The CW not count as viable employment? Never mind. Next week: We finally learn Mrs. Ari’s first name! Squeal!

New tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Pretty Little Liars, The 9 Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); What Not to Wear (TLC); Downsized (We); Web Therapy (Showtime)

It’s Larry vs. Rosie on Curb Your Enthusiasm …

TV Tonight: Bachelor Pad, Top Gear, Weeds, The Big C

What’s new tonight:
Bachelor Pad (ABC) The gang participates in a synchronized-swimming challenge! This is a positive development for Bachelor Pad because 1. Despite being dead-eyed soulless morons, they at least look good in swimsuits, and B. Somebody just might drown.

Top Gear (BBC America) Season Premiere: Tonight, guest Alice Cooper will test-drive a turbocharged Jazzy with dead-baby dolls strapped to the front, reaching speeds up to 14 KPH!

Weeds (Showtime) Nancy continues her WT-fuck? sex triangle with her former female jail-mate and said jail-mate’s weed-supplying brother—at least there’s weed involved again, so we’re kinda getting back to basics.

The Big C (Showtime) Parker Posey Alert: Cancer Mom’s teenage son Adam starts hanging out with an eccentric older woman he met in an online support group, played by go-to proto-hipster Parker Posey, now 42. Icky, but still not as weird as what’s going on with Weeds, right?

Also new tonight:
American Ninja Warrior (NBC); Hell’s Kitchen (Fox); Basketball Wives (VH1); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Secret Life of the American Teenager, The Lying Game (ABC Family); Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel); Millionaire Matchmaker, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); Kate Plus 8 (TLC); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Alphas (Syfy); The Protector (Lifetime); The Bad Girls Club, Hair Battle Spectacular (Oxygen)

Finger crossed, there are no lifeguards on duty at the Bachelor Pad:

TV Weekend: Megashark vs. Crocosaurus

What's new this weekend:

Megashark vs. Crocosaurus (Syfy, Saturday) Seriously, what else do you need this weekend? It's got a Megashark, a Crocosaurus and ... Erkel!

TV Tonight: Ton of Cash, Love In the Wild, Ghost Hunters Int’l

What’s new tonight:
Ton of Cash (VH1) Series Debut: 14 contestants haul a literal ton of cash from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, and somehow one of ‘em wins said ton of cash—did I mention that the show is called Ton of Cash? Or that there’s a Salt Laker (Amie Rose) in the mix? Still, there’s some comfort in knowing that this isn’t the dumbest fucking idea ever for a reality-competition show. That would be …

Love In the Wild (NBC) Season/Series Finale: Who’s gonna find love on the finale of Jungle Humpin’? Myself and 90 percent of America couldn’t care less, ratings say.

Ghost Hunters International (Syfy) Season Finale: In other Shit That Don’t Exist news, the Hunters travel to New Zealand to not find ghosts at an old prison in the ever-so-thrilling season finale tonight. Don’t worry: The original Ghost Hunters will be back in a week or so to not find ghosts right here in ‘Merica.

Also new tonight:
Big Brother (CBS); So You Think You Can Dance (Fox); Minute to Win It, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Hot in Cleveland, Happily Divorced (TV Land); Legend Quest (Syfy); Royal Pains, Necessary Roughness (USA); Roseanne’s Nuts (Lifetime); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant (TLC); Rescue Me (FX)

This is how you haul a Ton of Cash. Clothes optional.

Get More: Ton of Cash, TV Shows, Full Episode Video, Reality TV Shows

TV Tonight: What Not to Wear, MasterChef, Memphis Beat, Hawthorne

What's new tonight:
What Not to Wear (TLC) Season Premiere: Despite faint reservations that she might actually be a dude, The Only TV Column That Matters™ considers What Not to Wear co-host Stacy London to be kinda hot. So when news of “changes” to the show for its ninth season (which makes it the longest-running series on the devolving hot mess that is the former Learning Channel) made the rounds, I feared the worst. Fortunately, the network isn’t replacing her and Clinton Kelly with castoffs from Trailer Parks & Tiaras or some other TLC tentpole; there’s just a new studio and 360 mirror. Keep on tucking, Stacy!

MasterChef (Fox) Season Finale: One of Gordon Ramsay’s 18 summer shows comes to an end tonight when MasterChef crowns the next great fry-cook you’ll never hear from again ... you donkey!!!

Memphis Beat, Hawthorne (TNT) Season Finales: Also finale-ing for the season tonight are Memphis Beat, that cop show with My Name Is Earl, and Hawthorne, that hospital show with My Name Is Mrs. Will Smith. Somebody watches these ... right?

Also new tonight:
Take the Money & Run, Combat Hospital (ABC); It’s Worth What?, America’s Got Talent (NBC); Pretty Little Liars, The 9 Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family); Billy the Exterminator (A&E); Teen Mom, Awkward (MTV); Web Therapy (Showtime)

Hulu categorizes MasterChef as "Food & Leisure." What's "leisurely" about this?

TV Tonight: The Lying Game, Millionaire Matchmaker, Teen Wolf

What’s new tonight:
The Lying Game (ABC Family) Series Debut: No, you haven’t seen it before—totally different than Switched at Birth or Pretty Little Liars. Read all about it in True TV at CityWeekly.net (Item 4).

Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo) Season 5 Premiere: That’s right, Season 5. Lovebroker/horrible wildebeest Patti Stanger is, says here, “Newly single and ready to mingle.” No, I didn’t just throw up a little in my mouth … I threw up everything I’ve eaten in the last two weeks all over the place. Blech …

Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo) Series Debut: Because Bravo can’t make a shit sandwich without an extra layer of shit, the net introduces a bunch of Dallas socialites looking for love in all the wrong holes, er, places. If you’ve ever wondered, “What would The Hills be like if they gave it a second lobotomy and moved it to Texas,” here ya go.

Teen Wolf (MTV) Season Finale: Yes, it’ll be back next year—something has to fill the void left by the cancellation of The Hard Times of R.J. Berger, right? Tonight, Scotty the Lacrosse Wolf is caught in an epic struggle between werewolves and werewolf hunters, setting up a cliffhanger that will leave fans breathless. This could be avoided if they weren’t such mouthbreathers.

Also new tonight:
The Bachelor Pad (ABC); Hell’s Kitchen, MasterChef (Fox); Basketball Wives (VH1); American Pickers, Pawn Stars (History); The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family); Kate Plus 8 (TLC); Hoarders, Intervention (A&E); The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles (TNT); Eureka, Warehouse 13, Alphas (Syfy); The Protector (Lifetime); Weeds, The Big C (Showtime)

Preview: Teen Wolf goes out with a … something …

Bored to Death: New Season 3 Trailer

So long, Sundays: Season 3 of HBO's Bored to Death premieres Monday, Oct. 10, leading into new series Enlightened. Moving the comedy to Mondays with no established lead-in (or lead-out) seems like a risky move; Big Love tried it once, and it worked out as well as a stroll in the neighborhood for Bill Henrickson. Still, this new trailer makes a convincing case following Jason Schwartzman, Zack Galifianakis and Ted Danson to a new night--put that white wine on ice now ...

TV Tonight: Torchwood, Strike Back

What’s new tonight:
Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz) Episode 6: Damn, who’s next? Spoiler alert: After last week’s stunning Dr. Vera (Arlene Tur) flambé, it finally appears that Torchwood: Miracle Day is willing to “kill” any character who might have been considered a regular who’d last till the end—don’t assume that just because no one on Earth is dying that they can’t be dispatched, horribly. This doesn’t fill me with hope that my favorite new character, bitchtastic PR agent Jilly Kitzinger (Lauren Ambrose), won’t be fed into a woodchipper soon. Tonight, Cap’n Jack (John Barrowman) zeroes in on the heart of the Grand Conspiracy—at least we know he won’t get dead … right?

Strike Back (Cinemax) Series Debut: The manliest TV series since Logo’s Bear-Humpin.’ Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Karaoke Battle USA (ABC); Flashpoint (CBS); Friends With Benefits (NBC); Commerical Kings, Whisker Wars (IFC); ThunderCats (Cartoon Network); Haven (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

Preview: Just try and make sense of tonight’s Torchwood promo …