TV Weekend: The Walking Dead! And Other Stuff

What’s new this weekend:
The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) Season Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1). Come watch it at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) for free at 8 pm and, in the meantime, please to enjoy this wonderful montage of every zombie kill from Season 1:



What’s new tonight:
A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Nikita, Supernatual (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Strike Back (Cinemax); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

What’s new Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Anna Faris & Drake (NBC/CW30); Free Agents (BBC America); Puppies vs. Babies (Animal Planet); Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said? (Comedy Central); Margaret Cho: Cho Dependent (Showtime)

Dexter (Showtime, Sunday) In a particularly funny/intense episode, Dexter tracks down a geezer serial killer who’s come out of retirement—literally; dude is old, and he’s called “The Tooth Fairy.” Seriously. Also, Christ-y killer duo Travis and the Professor (Colin Hanks and Edward James Olmos) step their game way the hell up, culminating in a creepy-cool closing scene that’ll easily make the Dexter’s Greatest Hits package.

Also new Sunday:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, The Good Wife, CSI: Miami (CBS); The X Factor (Fox); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Squidbillies, China Il. (Adult Swim); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Homeland (Showtime); The Walking Dead, Talking Dead (AMC)

If you think Dexter’s been soft in Season 6, this ep should change your mind:

TV Tonight: The Mentalist, The League, Secretly Pregnant

 What’s new tonight:
The Mentalist (CBS) While you weren’t looking (but your mom was), The Mentalist became the new Matlock: A lighthearted crime drama with a charming lead (Simon Baker), good-lookin’ cast and just enough dark touches to keep it interesting. And, as Shawn and Gus hysterically point out constantly, it’s a total rip-off of USA’s Psych. Tonight, The Mentalist borrows from its own network lead-in Person of Interest when Patrick Jane (Baker) pulls some future cognition and fingers a perp whom he thinks is going to kill someone. Heh, fingers a perp …

The League (FX) If you thought last week’s season premiere was 12 kinds of sick and wrong, wait till you see tonight’s The League, wherein the gang brings together anti-Semitism, vandalism, Aphex Twin and the inadvertent debut of My Orgy at Andre’s. In other words, more comedy gold.

Secretly Pregnant (Discovery Fit & Health) Series Debut: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2).

Bordertown: Laredo (A&E) Series Debut: Cops patrol the U.S./Mexican in the new reality show that will have to go a long way to top last night’s poignant, immigration-themed South Park, “The Last of the Meheecans.” Good luck, A&E.

Also new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, Person of Interest (CBS); Community, Parks & Recreation, The Office, Whitney, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); Project Runway (Lifetime); Jersey Shore (MTV); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX)

Still don’t believe Secretly Pregnant is a real show?

TV Tonight: Revenge, Modern Family, Psych

What’s new tonight:
Revenge (ABC) At the rate wronged Emily/Amanda (Emily VanCamp) is burning through those who once fucked her over, does Revenge have a 13-22 episode lifespan? Blondie is gettin’ business done. Stands to reason Victoria (Madeline Stowe) will be saved for last; tonight, E/A goes after the therapist who institutionalized her as a child—because, obviously, that did no good.

Modern Family (ABC) An hour before that, Claire (Julie Bowen) decides to run for city council … So, who thinks this is a terrible, terrible idea? OK, that’s everybody. At the very least, maybe this foray into public politics will prompt Claire to finally buy a bra that can effectively control the girls. I’m just sayin’: A sitcom with Family in the title shouldn’t contain this much RT every week.

Psych (USA) Season Premiere: Tell your mom and her cats that the mean streets of Santa Barbara are safe once again: Shawn and Gus are back on the job! Or whatever it is they call it. Fun Fact: Tonight’s Psych murder case involves TV’s 6,000th Star Wars reference. This month.

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Happy Endings (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor (Fox); Up All Night, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); South Park, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo); (TLC); The Real World (MTV); Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery); American Horror Story (FX)

Is that Malcolm McDowell on tonight’s Psych? Yes, it is …

TV Tonight: Last Man Standing, Ringer, Body of Proof

What’s new tonight:
Last Man Standing (ABC) Series Debut: Since ABC is killing it so efficiently in the comedy department these days with Modern Family, The Middle, Happy Endings, the new Suburgatory and the currently benched Cougar Town, it’s impossible to grasp how visionless, throwback shit like Last Man Standing and Man Up (premiering next Tuesday) snuck into the mix. Tim Allen (Home Improvement—Wiki it) is the titular last man standing, a lunkhead sporting-goods-store marketing director who’s now a work-at-homer surrounded by a wife and three daughters—let the henpecking and wacky gender-specific misunderstandings commence! It’s like the ’90s and According to Jim never happened. Nancy Travis deserves better than this—not much better, but something.

Ringer (The CW) Sarah Michelle Gellar is hangin’ in there as troubled twins Siobahn and Bridget—but this conspiracy is bound come apart soon! Probably not tonight … but soon! If you’ve been wondering how long the latter ex-stripper/junkie will be able to stay off the booze and pills, however, soon is now! Don’t worry, SMG fans; The CW has already canceled H8R, so they can’t afford to lose another chunk of the schedule.

Body of Proof (ABC) This show ain’t so lucky: Sure, it’s possible that Charlie’s Angels or Pan Am could get the ax first, but ABC has to be disappointed with this Dana Delany/Jeri Ryan MILF-fest’s performance against CBS’ Unforgettable—maybe more tank-tops are the answer. Anyway, watch Body of Proof harder tonight as ME doc Megan (Delany) solves a case of waaay too many missing dead bodies—one of which should be Tim Allen’s.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Accept no tiny-screen substitutes at other bars: The original Sons of Anarchy TV Party is tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), free on the big screen at 8 pm—be there.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); 90210 (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project, Mad Fashion (Bravo); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E); The Onion News Network (IFC)

Even more secrets and lies on Ringer! When will it end?

TV Tonight: Bored to Death, Enlightened, Five, Hart of Dixie

What’s new tonight:
Bored to Death (HBO) Season Premiere: “I’ll be signing books, iPads and Kindles,” Jonathan (Jason Schwartzman) tells the crowd gathered for the release of his novel, The Blonde in the Woods, at the opening of Bored to Death’s third season—sounds like everything’s going our hero’s way, right? Don’t worry, he’ll be in over his head in a new “detective” case soon enough. Oh, and Ray (Zach Galifianakis) will be breastfeeding a baby via whiskey on his nipples, and George (Ted Danson) will attempt to open a new restaurant on Jane Street called, of course, George on Jane—the usual Bored to Death hijinks.

Enlightened (HBO) Series Debut: Which are a weird fit with the new Enlightened, a dramedy from Mike White and Laura Dern starring the latter as a driven, toxic career woman who suffers a major professional meltdown, recoups at a New Age retreat and returns even more insufferable (but positive!) than before. Unfortunately, the navel-gazing drama outweighs the comedy, like a bummer cousin to The Big C. Yeah, I thought that was impossible, too.

Five (Lifetime) Movie Special: Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore, Alicia Keys and some other less-famous women direct five shorts about breast cancer. OK, maybe Enlightened isn’t the most depressing thing on TV tonight …

Hart of Dixie (The CW) Hey, It’s Not Canceled Yet: In order to impress the local hillbillies, Dr. Zoe (Rachel Bilson) tries to win a local gumbo-cooking contest. Since when the fuck is gumbo an Alabama dish? Does The CW just think all Southern cooking is the same? And are we supposed to believe that Bilson actually eats? Bitches, please.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); House, Terra Nova (Fox); The
Sing-Off (NBC); Shitastic Playboy Club Replacement (KSL 5); Gossip Girl (The CW); Top Gear (BBC America); The Lying Game (ABC Family); Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); (Dis)connected (MTV)

Coming this season on Bored to Death: Intrigue, guns and … Dick Cavett?

TV Weekend: Nikita, Free Agents, Breaking Bad

What’s new this weekend:
Nikita (The CW, tonight) Is Nikita making any sense yet? Of course not—but shit’s blowin’ up and everybody looks cool, so just roll with it. Tonight, Nikita (Maggie Q) learns that an agent she captured for Division years ago has been committing heavy political assassinations for Division. Oh, snap. Yet more revenge rage, inexplicably effective disguises and guest star Rekha Sharma (Battlestar Galactica—Tory!) ensue.

Also new tonight:
A Gifted Man, CSI:NY, Blue Bloods (CBS); Kitchen Nightmares, Fringe (Fox); Supernatual (The CW); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network); Strike Back (Cinemax); Sanctuary (Syfy); Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO); The Soup (E!)

Free Agents (BBC America, Saturday) U.S. Debut: Now that the ‘Merican version has been canceled by NBC, check out how Free Agents was supposed to be done—with Buffy’s Anthony Stewart Head in the lead instead of on the sidelines. Much better.

Also new Saturday:
Saturday Night Live: Ben Stiller & Foster the People (NBC/CW30); Terror Beneath (Syfy); Bad Dog! (Animal Planet)

Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday) Season Finale: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 2), and come to Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+) at 8 p.m. to watch it all go down on the big screen.

The Good Wife (CBS) Clash of the MILFs Alert: Lisa Edelstein (House) guests as Will’s ex-wife, which probably won’t sit well with new gal Alicia (Julianna Margulies). Am I just mentally manufacturing a catfight? Maybe …

Six Days to Air: The Making of South Park (Comedy Central) Special: How do Trey Parker and Matt Stone slap together a South Park episode? Find out in this documentary—that’s right, it takes six whole days.

Also new Sunday:
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, Pan Am (ABC); The Amazing Race, CSI: Miami (CBS); Sister Wives (TLC); Kendra, Dirty Soap (E!); Squidbillies (Adult Swim); Boardwalk Empire, Hung, How to Make It in America (HBO); Dexter, Homeland (Showtime)

How’s Breaking Bad going to end this season? Kinda like this:

TV Tonight: Charlie’s Angels, Parks & Recreation, The League

What’s new tonight:
Charlie’s Angels (ABC) Now that NBC’s The Playboy Club and Free Agents have been killed dead, the next new series staring down the cancellation barrel is … Charlie’s Angels! So, if you’re a fan of humorless cop drama barely acted by passable models with a dash of requisite action, better catch it now—could be gone by next week, as ABC isn’t showing the same “patience” as NBC these days. Tonight’s ep even has one of the Angels (doesn’t matter which; let’s say it’s Minka Kelly) playing in “a floating, high-stakes poker game” on a cruise ship! It’s a ‘ho nuffer level of terrible!

Parks & Recreation (NBC) Conveniently coinciding with the Knope 2012 campaign, Leslie (Amy Poehler) releases her new book, Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America. Pandering for votes? Hey, it’ll do better than my campaign book, Suck It! Salt Lake.

Whitney (NBC) Whitney catches her boyfriend checking out other girls; crazy-chick clichés and jokes-yelling ensue. Since I can’t root for Natasha Leggero on Free Agents anymore, I guess I’ll have to throw my brunette-female-comic support completely behind Team Whitney. Should have seen this coming …

The League (FX) Season Premiere: Read all about it at CityWeekly.net (Item 1).

Also new tonight:
Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice (ABC); The Big Bang Theory, How to Be a Gentleman, Person of Interest, The Mentalist (CBS); Community, The Office, Prime Suspect (NBC); The X Factor (Fox); The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle (The CW); Project Runway (Lifetime); NTSF:SD:SUV (Adult Swim); Jersey Shore (MTV); It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX)

Parks & Recreation makes book talk on radio sound almost exciting:

TV Tonight: American Horror Story, South Park, Penn & Teller

New shows picked up for full seasons: New Girl (Fox); Whitney, Up All Night (NBC); 2 Broke Girls (CBS). Canceled already: The Playboy Club (NBC). Old shows in danger of cancellation over $ disputes: The Simpsons (Fox); Dexter (Showtime).

What’s new tonight:
American Horror Story (FX) Series Debut: Two conclusions after watching the pilot of American Horror Story: 1. Showrunner Ryan Murphy has some seriously dark weirdness to work out after three seasons of Glee, and 2. The Walking Dead won’t be the scariest show on TV this fall. Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton headline a killer cast (which also includes Jessica Lange and Frances Conroy) as a couple who moves across the country with some heavy marital baggage and a teenage daughter (Taissa Farmiga) to Los Angeles into—what else?—a haunted Victorian. The setup is familiar, but the execution, from the deliciously Grindhouse-style opening and closing credits to the slowly stacking creepiness and tension in between, makes for the best horror movie no one’s made in years. At least, for the first episode, which is all FX has provided so far—let’s see if American Horror Story can sustain the intensity until Christmas. [Update: Episode 2 airing Oct. 12 falls on the “meh” side, so maybe not.]

South Park (Comedy Central) Midseason Premiere: If you recall, the first half of this season left off on a major bummer, what with Stan having an existential crisis on his 10th birthday and all. There’s more of that tonight, as well as Cartman dealing with Asperger’s Syndrome—when did South Park turn into The Big C?

Penn & Teller Tell a Lie (Discovery) Series Debut: Done with Bullshit!, Penn & Teller move onto bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, truth! in Tell a Lie, a shell game of a TV show wherein you have to pick which wacko scientific theory is actually real. Great, more homework …

Raising Hope (Fox) Special Night: Apparently, The X Factor could only fill 90 minutes tonight, so we get an extra ep of Raising Hope. Enjoy!

Also new tonight:
The Middle, Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings, Revenge (ABC); Survivor: South Pacific, Criminal Minds, CSI (CBS); The X Factor (Fox); Up All Night, Free Agents, Harry’s Law, Law & Order: SVU (NBC); H8R, America’s Next Top Model (The CW); Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Witness (Syfy); The Ultimate Fighter, Blue Mountain State (Spike); Luther (BBC America); Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time (Comedy Central); Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo); Dance Moms (Lifetime); I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Extreme Couponing (TLC); The Real World (MTV)

American Horror Story brings that Ryan Murphy freak-magic back to FX:

TV Tonight: The Onion News Network!

What’s new tonight:
The Onion News Network (IFC) Season Premiere: Comedy Central’s Onion SportsDome may have tanked, but IFC’s Onion News Network lives to see a second season—likely due to the commanding news presence of one Brooke Alvarez (played amazingly straight-faced by Suzanne Sena, a former real reporter for E! and Fox News). She can even sell The End Of The World effectively: Tonight’s lead story is “Doomsday 2011,” an asteroid hurtling toward Earth that will surely obliterate us all; naturally, you get Ice-T and wife Coco to weigh in on the import of the event. After The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, ONN is all the news you need.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) Accept no tiny-screen substitutes at other bars: The original Sons of Anarchy TV Party is tonight at Brewvies (677 South 200 West, 21+), free on the big screen at 8 pm—be there.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Body of Proof (ABC); NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, Unforgettable (CBS); Glee, New Girl, Raising Hope (Fox); The Biggest Loser, Parenthood (NBC); 90210, Ringer (The CW); Tosh.0, Workaholics (Comedy Central); The Rachel Zoe Project, Mad Fashion (Bravo); Teen Mom (MTV); 19 Kids & Counting, The Little Couple (TLC); Gene Simmons Family Jewels (A&E)

Kiss your ass goodbye with The Onion News Network: 

TV Tonight: House, Warehouse 13, The Playboy Club

What’s new tonight:
House (Fox) Season 8 Premiere: After ramming his car through Cuddy’s dining room at back in May (nope, not a drive-thru), the doc is in the Greybar Hotel at the opening of Season 8—and his warden is Eddie from The Cruisers (Michael Pare)! And his new pal in the joint is Erkel (Jaleel White)! And, of course, he’s diagnosing fellow prisoners! Wonder if one is Big Otto from Sons of Anarchy …

Warehouse 13 (Syfy) Season 3 Finale: In the two-hour finale, Myka and Pete head to Wyoming and … wait, we’re gonna spend two hours in Wyoming? No thanks.

The Playboy Club (NBC) Would it be possible to take The Playboy Club’s ratings even lower than The CW’s tonight? Let’s make this happen—the sooner this is over, the sooner the local scourge known as We Are Utah is over.

Also new tonight:
Dancing With the Stars, Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Hawaii Five-0 (CBS); Terra Nova (Fox); The Sing-Off (NBC); Shitastic Playboy Club Replacement (KSL 5); Hart of Dixie, Gossip Girl (The CW); Top Gear (BBC America); The Lying Game (ABC Family); Pawn Stars (History); The Bad Girls Club, Hair Battle Spectacular (Oxygen); The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Most Eligible Dallas (Bravo); Ridiculousness, Death Valley, Cuff’d (MTV)

A House promo that totally blows the “Jail House Rock” opportunity: