The Masses? Asses

Oh, You People The People's Choice Awards tonight proved that the people are nothing if not predictable—except, Halle Berry for favorite female action star for X-Men 3? Was she even IN X-Men 3? That was Famke Janssen's movie, you pinheads! TV choices like The Class and Heroes were at least interesting, but then the people pissed it all away on Nickelback (shudder, gag) and a slew of prizes for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (an even worse sequel than X-Men 3). As The Kills once said, "fuck the people." Your, uh, winners:

Movies
Female star: Jennifer Aniston
Male star: Johnny Depp
Leading lady: Cameron Diaz
Leading man: Vince Vaughn
Female action star: Halle Berry
Male action star: Johnny Depp
On-screen matchup: Johnny Depp & Keira Knightley
Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Movie drama: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Movie comedy: Click
Family movie: Cars

Music

Female singer: Carrie Underwood
Male singer: Kenny Chesney
Group: Nickelback
R&B song: "SexyBack" by Justin Timberlake
Hip-hop song: "Shake That" by Eminem
Pop song: "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira
Country song: "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
Rock song: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi
Song from a movie: "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts from Cars
Remake: "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts

TV
Comedy: Two & a Half Men
Animated comedy: The Simpsons
Drama: Grey's Anatomy
Competition/Reality show: American Idol
New Comedy: The Class
New Drama: Heroes
Female star: Eva Longoria
Male star: Patrick Dempsey
Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres

Wait, Grey's Anatomy is a drama? Proud to be an American ...

Samurai Lesbians

Afro Samurai Thursday 1.4 (Spike) Series Debut: The title almost says it all: A samurai (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson—underexposure is not an option) with a sweet afro cuts a swath of vengeance through a war-torn Anime Japan of the future against a hip-hop soundtrack. The story’s nothing new (always with the avenging of the villain-slain father—why never any payback for the creepy second cousin?), but the animation and music are so good, you have to wonder why it’s on Spike. OK, you don’t … and neither do I.

Jake 2.0 Friday 1.5 (Sci-Fi) Rerun Debut: Government computer geek Jake Foley (Christopher Gorham) is accidentally injected with nanobots—microscopic robots to you non-Wired readers—and suddenly gains superhuman strength, heightened senses and the ability to get laid. Jake 2.0, one of the very few quality series ever produced by the late UPN, was seen by a dozen people when it aired in 2003, all of whom messaged to each other “Hey, this should be on the Sci-Fi Channel.” Machine dreams come true—with four never-before-seen episodes, to (re)boot. Set phasers to pun! Ack!

Grease: You’re the One That I Want Sunday 1.7 (NBC) Series Debut: PR says, “NBC will search for the next Danny and Sandy in Grease: You’re the One That I Want, a new talent-competition series where America will ultimately get to choose the two leads for a new Broadway production of the hit musical Grease.” True TV says, “Hold ‘er steady … now put the bullet right here in my brain.”

I’m From Rolling Stone Sunday 1.7 (MTV) Series Debut: Six pretty young writers in a realty-competition series to win a gig with Rolling Stone magazine—since it’s for MTV, you know it’s gonna get catty in the hot tub. Which is typically misleading, because journalists are never catty (they’re just all bitches!), they don’t go near hot tubs (they’re never invited … because they’re all bitches!) and they’re rarely pretty (but always bitches!). The winner’s first assignment: brushing out David Fricke’s wig.

The L Word Sunday 1.7 (Showtime) Season Premiere: What did The Only TV Column That Matters™ say about this when it debuted two years ago? “The L Word is Melrose Place with a message—and more hot lesbian sex.” Now, here in Season 4, I’m wondering where all the hot lesbian sex went as the Important Message pile gets higher and higher. This time around, after getting the resolutions for Shane’s wedding walkout (answer: write her partner out of the show) and the escalating Bette/Tina custody battle (answer: invoke the ghost of Johnnie Cochrane) from last season out of the way, it’s onto pregnant Kit’s run-in with pro-lifers, jetsetter Helena being cut off from the family fortune, transsexual Max and not-so-much-bi Jenny falling apart, Shane’s little brother being dumped on her doorstep and the Return of Marina—all in the first episode; no time for hot lesbian sex, natch. Fortunately, the Drama! Drama! Drama! lightens up in coming episodes, with some comic relief in the form of new character Papi, a Latina from the wrong side of Rodeo Drive whose prolific playa skills surpass even Shane’s, and Jenny’s revenge campaign against a critic who gives her book a bad review. And yes, a little hot lesbian sex. Thanks.

The Sopranos Wednesday 1.10 (A&E) Cleaned-Up Rerun Debut: Sure, Sex and the City and Six Feet Under both made smooth transitions from freewheelin’ HBO to tighter-lipped commercial TV, but The Sopranos without F-bombs? The Morally-Outraged Pinheads (MOPs) are already freaking (coincidentally, the word that’s replaced “fucking”) over the very idea of the infamously blue mob drama running on basic cable in 90 million homes. Good enough for me—freak ‘em up the freakin’ freak hole, A&E!

DVD
Beer League To be exact, it’s Artie Lange’s Beer League—so as not to be confused with William Shakespeare’s Beer League. If Beerfest and The Benchwarmers were just too cerebral for you … then how exactly are you making out these words? Is Howard Stern reading this to you? EchoBridgeHE.com

The Covenant For those who wished The Craft had starred pouty-boy models instead of flat-chested goth girls, director Renny Harlin (remember him?) brings you The Covenant, a movie that could only be gayer with a Scissor Sisters soundtrack. No, scratch that: It’s as gay as gay can be. SonyPictures.com

Martin: Season 1 At one time, way back in the ‘90s, Martin Lawrence was a funny mofo and Fox could produce a sitcom that didn’t suck out loud—this long-long-overdue DVD set of Martin’s 1992-93 debut season is absolute proof of both. It’s been too long when even Sheneneh is a welcome sight. HBO.com

Snakes on a Plane Samuel L. Jackson’s finest cinematic performance since Pulp Fiction? Yeah, let’s go with that. New Line’s attempt to manufacture an instant cult classic didn’t quite pan out, but Snakes on a Plane is still juicy B-flick fun. If only Mystery Science Theater 3000 were here to screen it. NewLine.com

BROADBAND
OurChart.com In the new season of The L Word, Alice puts her handwritten chart of lesbian hookups on the Internet—not so coincidentally, so has Showtime. OurChart.com is meant to be kind of a gay MySpace, a social network with content and direction from series creator Ilene Chaiken and stars Jennifer Beals, Katherine Moennig and Leisha Hailey (all founding partners). Sounds great, but can they keep Tila Tequila and Dane Cook out?

Oh No! O.C.!

Chino Goes Down Just when it was finally pulling out of its downward spiral of suck in Season 4, Fox has cancelled The O.C.! What the fuck?! The obituary from Fox:

THE SUN SETS ON THE O.C. WHEN THE SERIES FINALE AIRS THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22, ON FOX: The sun will set for the last time on THE O.C. when the series ends its four-season run Thursday, Feb. 22 on FOX. The countdown has begun, with all-original episodes airing from Thursday, Jan. 4 through the last episode on Feb. 22. "THE O.C. Season Four finale will also be the series finale. This feels like the best time to bring the show to its close,” said Josh Schwartz, creator and executive producer of THE O.C. “Thanks to the hard work of our cast, crew and writers, we have enjoyed our best season yet, and what better time to go out than creatively on top. It has been an amazing experience and a great run. For a certain audience, at a certain time, THE O.C. has meant something. For that we are grateful."

I want a Taylor Townsend spin-off, damn it ...

Knights In Orange Cotton

Swag Ahoy! Believe it or not, a promotion company ran across this site and thought it would be an effective place to do some marketing for ABC's new The Knights of Prosperity (premiering Wednesday Jan. 3—scroll down a couple of entries for the review). Yeah, I'm as shocked as you are. It's a giveaway of two orange T-shirts like those you see in the photo at your right (probably not all "husky" size), and all you have to do is answer these multi-choice questions correctly, either in a comment or an e-mail. Proceed:

Knights' Donal Logue previously starred in which sitcom?
A. Grounded for Life
B. Requiem for a Dream
c. Hell Bent for Leather

Knights' original title was ...?
A. Let's Rob Mick Jagger
B. Let's Mug Jethro Tull
c. Let's Blackmail Gnarls Barkley

The hottest Latina sidekick on TV is ...? *
A. Knights' Sofia Vergara
B. My Name Is Earl's Nadine Velazquez
C. Without a Trace's Roselyn Sanchez

* Purely subjective; any answer will do.

Winner will be chosen randomly sometime between now and Jan. 17; The Knights of Prosperity debuts tomorrow night on ABC, where Lost and Daybreak used to be ...

New Year, New Hate

Daytime Hell Why is so much perfectly good hate being wasted on Rachel Ray when there's The Greg Behrendt Show? Having actually sat through entire episode today (yes, I realize that anyone who watches local TV in the afternoon gets exactly what they deserve), I got the most violent How the Fuck Did This Guy Get His Own Show?! whiplash since the debut of Magic Johnson's talk show in '98 (The Magic Hour ... is this what 'Nam flashbacks are like?). For a gelled-up douchebag with an alleged comedy background, Behrendt isn't even Morning Zoo funny--in fact, there wasn't a detectable nanosecond of comedy in that whole hour I'm never, ever getting back. Will my white-hot hatred of Dr. Phil be diluted if I shift some of my daytime TV malice in this dickhead's direction? Willing to take the chance: New year, new goals ...

Dirtywood

New Year’s Eve TV Staying in on Amateur Night Sunday? Here are your TV-and-cocktails choices: Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve (ABC), with the ghost of Clark himself, heir-apparent assclown Ryan Seacrest and musical guests Christina Aguilera, Fergie, Ludacris, KT Tunstall and … Meat Loaf; recommended cocktail: Jim Beam & Nyquil. New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly (NBC), hangin’ with C-Dawg and Panic! At the Disco; recommended cocktail: Bacardi! Silver, or any “cheerleader beer.” The Adult Swim Metalocalypse Marathon (Cartoon Network), the clear and obvious choice with eight (!) straight hours of the world’s heaviest/densest metal band on through till the dawn; recommended cocktail: Smirnoff & Liquid Wrench.

Dirt Tuesday 1.2.07 (FX) Series Debut: The FX promos run six times an hour 24/7, but how does Courteney Cox’s return to television stack up against previous post-Friends tube attempts like Lisa Kudrow’s The Comeback (tops), Matthew Perry’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (getting there) and Matt LeBlanc’s Joey (oh, the humanity). Fortunately, she’s not carrying Dirt on her own; the cast and recurring guest list tops a dozen, and not one of ‘em is as insidiously annoying as David Schwimmer (I’ll be there for you, Dave—in pure irrational hatred). In fact, Cox’s Lucy Spiller, editor of Hollywood celeb-rags Drrt (the newsier/edgier one—just look at those dual “r”s) and Now (the fluff ‘n’ the puff), is only half as interesting her star photographer (Ian Hart), a schizophrenic schlub prone to hallucinations and ass-kickings from disgruntled celebrities. On the FX oh-no-they-didn’t shock scale, Dirt is up there with Nip/Tuck, with extra helpings of sex and glam to make up for the relatively scant plotlines (the show is too fast and furiously scene-packed to establish much of anything, at least in the pilot) and the possibility that you may not actually care about the “problems” of pretty showbiz folk. Nonetheless, it’s addictive and carb-free—but why are all of the Friends’ post-sitcom TV projects set “behind the scenes of Hollywood,” anyway?

Poker After Dark Tuesday 1.2.07 (NBC) Series Debut: It sounds like a cleverly-titled late-night Cinemax flick—until you remember that there’s nothing clever about Cinemax. No, NBC’s inexplicable attempt to program something even later than Last Call is simply poker champs playing cards in Las Vegas casinos, hosted by Shana Hiatt, “one of poker’s most recognizable faces” (have to take NBC’s word for it). What’s next? Shuffleboard Before Lunch? Then again, KSL will probably just run infomercials and color bars instead of Poker After Dark, so never mind.

The Knights of Prosperity, In Case of Emergency Wednesday 1.3.07 (ABC) Series Debuts: Originally called Let’s Rob Mick Jagger (c’mon, who wouldn’t watch that?), The Knights of Prosperity (uh …) stars Donal Logue as New York janitor who assembles a motley crew of likeminded blue-collars to pull a heist on Jagger’s swank apartment to cash in on … what? Scarves and tiny jackets? Jagger, playing an hysterically hyper-camp version of himself in the Cribs-y TV profiles that set Logue’s harebrained scheme into motion, almost steals the show (pun, yes), but there’s a My Name is Earl-esque underdog tone to Knights that might click for a few episodes, until the robbery still hasn’t been pulled off or the gang moves onto a new target (like, say, David Schwimmer). After that, it would become as sad as In Case of Emergency, about four former high-school mates (David Arquette, Greg Germann, Kelly Hu and Jonathan Silverman) who meet up in the twilight of Gen X-hood and realize their lives didn’t quite turn as they’d planned: “We’re all whores—I was gonna be Kurt Vonnegut, and now I write greeting cards.” Actually, that’s pretty funny … and yet a little close to the bone …

DVD
The Descent Chicks in a Cave! This year’s surprise no-budget horror hit, about a group of women on a cave expedition gone wrong that plays on every phobia imaginable—including Underground Girl-Eating Monsterphobia—is way scarier when you don’t think too hard about it. So don’t. LionsGate.com

Dane Cook’s Tourgasm Dane Cook onstage: funny (not universal with the comedy intelligentsia, just everyone else). Dane Cook on tour with three lesser comics sucking up to him relentlessly for nine episodes: not. Life on the road in a luxury rock-star bus is tough, especially with all those lips on your ass HBO.com

Factotum Matt Dillon as Charles Bukowski’s Henry Chinaski—if you were lost after Matt Dillon, best move along. His role as a boozing writer (like there’s any other kind) has all the Actor Buzz, but Lili Taylor and Marisa Tomei (yes, her) deliver at least as many goods in smaller roles. IFCTV.com

The Simple Life: Season 4 The season where America’s skankhearts, Paris and Nicole, weren’t speaking and their celebutard antics had to be filmed separately—and yet the integrity of The Simple Life somehow remained intact! Just remember: They can’t fade into well-earned obscurity until you let ‘em. FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (Dec. 26) Air Wolf: Season 2, The Black Dahlia, Jackass Number Two, Trans, Two-a-Days: Season 1

BROADBAND
Rock & Awe Indie-rock heroes The Decemberists in a guitar-solo showdown with “all-yearist” Stephen Colbert—whom to root for? If you missed the guitarmageddon action on The Colbert Report last week, well, you sir, are no fan. But, Comedy Central’s Motherload has the ShredDown footage, including Henry Kissinger’s (yes, him) edict that, in the end, “America won.” Indeed.

True TV's Xmas Cop-Out, Uh, Xtra!

Tooned Out Click the image for the full-sized effect:

Jesus Crispies

Preachin' Punk Wednesday Dec. 13 on the Sundance Channel, One Punk Under God (that punk being Jay Bakker, son of fallen televangelists Jim & Tammy Faye) debuts. This is notable because it's the first time I've ever been remotely interested in anything on the Sundance Channel. The six-part reality-doc follows Jay's relocation of his alternative congregation, the Revolution Church, from Atlanta to Brooklyn; his sermons are held in bars for crowds of fellow tattooed rockers: "Praise the Lord, tip your bartenders." Check out the promo and tell me this ain't David Cross ...

Merry Frakkmas

The Office Thursday 12.14 (NBC) One-Hour Christmas Episode: What? You say The Only TV Column That Matters™ writes too much about The Office? Well, merry damn Christmas to you, too! Do I come to your job and slap the Nutcracker out of your mouth? Anyway, on tonight’s Office Christmas party—which may or may not top last year’s glorious, vodka-soaked “Yankee Swap” episode—Michael finally gets dumped by Carol and goes boozing at Benihana with Stamford Andy (look out, Dwight), while Angela, Pam and Jim’s new girl Karen (oh, quit hissing) are locked in a holly-jolly smackdown of rival festivity planning. And no, Jim and Pam aren’t getting back together … or are they? Sorry, written too much about The Office …

Battlestar Galactica Friday 12.15 (Sci-Fi) Fall Finale: Despite the ratings dip and the shark-jump calibrations that disaffected geeks are angrily typing away on the Internet with their Cheetos-caked stubs, the third season thus far of Battlestar Galactica has arguably been the best yet—and we’re only 10 episodes in. In this last new installment till January, Team Galactica happens upon the Temple of Five on the algae planet, legendarily told to hold the Eye of Jupiter, a cosmic OnStar guide to Earth. The Cylons are coming for it; Commander Adama says he’ll blow the planet up real good if they make a move; Sam tells Apollo that Starbuck is a psycho ‘ho, but she’s his psycho ‘ho; Grace learns her Cylon baby is still alive … hmm, maybe this is turning into a space telenovela. I’ll reconsider your thesis, FrakkHead632.

Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Paranormal Project Sunday 12.17 (VH1) Season Finales: Further proof that VH1 can drag two seasons out of anything, Danny Bonaduce’s train-wreck tour concludes its second run with the Red Menace turning to the only cable subscriber he hasn’t annoyed with his myriad problems, Jesus. (What, you thought the Prince of Peace was a dish guy?) On Celebrity Paranormal Project, Debra Wilson, Evander Holyfield, Julio Iglesias Jr., Wee Man and Nikki Ziering … OK, we seriously need to reclaim the definition of “celebrity.” Take back the night!

Dexter Sunday 12.17 (Showtime) Season Finale: The Ice Truck Killer has kidnapped Dex’s whiny sister—for some reason, he wants to get her back. Alive, even. Showtime’s lovable serial murderer (Dexter only kills bad, bad people; pirating Showtime probably doesn’t count) has become the network’s most left-field hero since Weeds’ pot-dealing mom, which means their next original series will likely be about a jovial realtor/cannibal (casting call: Jim Gaffigan) who targets only Republicans and steroid-juiced former child actors. Until then, Michael C. Hall’s Dexter is the coolest cat on TV.

Identity Monday 12.18 (NBC) Series Debut: A game show hosted by Penn Jillette—after Shatner, it was only a matter of time. Compared to recent pinhead play-along fare like Deal or No Deal and Show Me the Money (I still have no idea how 1 vs. 100 works, nor do I give the eensiest rat’s ass), Identity is relative rocket science: Contestant tries to guess the professions of 12 strangers and win piles of money for each correct answer, all under the psychological duress of ominous time-padding music and Jillette’s ominous-er chin weed.

A Perfect Day Monday 12.18 (TNT) An author (Rob Lowe) writes a mega-bestseller about the importance of family, then proceeds to bask in fame and neglect his wife (Paget Brewster), kid and agent—that’s right, agent! Is nothing sacred? Naturally, there’s a TV-movie Dickens twist (ouch) when Christopher Lloyd appears to show him The Error of His Ways, just in time for Christmas and turtlenecks. Based on Richard Paul Evans’ book of the same name, the only real surprise here is that Richard Paul Evans wrote a book besides The Christmas Box. I mean … heart-warm-ing!

DVD
Black Christmas The 1974 Canadian slasher classic is back! A young (and sane) Margo Kidder stars as one of several sorority sisters being stalked by a mysterious killer over Christmas break; the movie’s twists and scares are on-par with critical genre-definer Halloween, which arrived four years later. ItsMeBilly.com

The Devil Wears Prada Anne Hathaway and her bangs carried the promos, but The Devil Wears Prada is Meryl Streep’s movie all the way—and a few crumbs for Stanley Tucci. The fizzy fashion comedy celebrates the runway world rather than pissing on it, which is what separates it from, say, Ugly Betty. FoxHome.com

Stacked: The Complete Series It wasn’t hailed as one of the great Fox sitcoms a couple of years ago, but in the wake of ‘Til Death and Happy Hour, Stacked looks damned funny in retrospect. Taste in men aside, Pamela Anderson is smarter and savvier then she’ll ever get credit for; Stacked and VIP are the proof. FoxHome.com

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Anchorman does NASCAR? Shoulda been a classic, but Talladega Nights’ true laughs are outnumbered by (admittedly killer) track-action shots and WTF? moments that probably seemed like genius during filming. Still, Will Ferrell’s too good at this stuff to make a completely worthless flick. SonyPictures.com

More New DVD Releases (12.12) Full House: Season 5, Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Season 2, Material Girls, World Trade Center, The Year Without a Santa Claus (2006)

BROADBAND
That Girl Marlo Thomas’ ABC sitcom predated the influential Mary Tyler Moore Show by four years—without Marlo, maybe no Mary. Thomas’ saucer eyes and sparkling comic delivery carried That Girl’s entire 1966-71 run, especially charming in the initial episodes online now. Oh, Donald!

Classical Ass

My Bare Lady Thursday, Dec. 7 (Fox Reality) Series Debut: The rerun-riffic Fox Reality cable channel (go ahead, try to find it in your listings) hasn’t been much of a contender in the original series arena—unless you count the misadventures of a pair of vineyard-buyin’ millionaires in Corkscrewed: The Wrath of Grapes … which, let’s hope, no one does. But now, get ready for My Bare Lady! Adult-film actresses Chanel St. James, Kirsten Price, Sasha Knox and Nautica Thorne (all tops in the field—I’ve researched their work, extensively) fly across the Atlantic for three weeks of proper theatre—that’s “re”—training before debuting on London’s West End in a classical drama. Can the porn queens prove themselves as real thespians? How many thespian/lesbian jokes can be squeezed into an episode? Is there a money shot in Medea? Will Falstaff need a fluffer? Can the ladies rise from creampies to the crème de le crème? Could I gone on and on like this? Yes, but I’ll need an hour or two turnaround.

The Wire Sunday, Dec. 10 (HBO) Season Finale: First Heroes (off till January), now The Wire (back for Season 5 in late 2007)? What are TV critics going to have to talk and giggle about amongst themselves for the rest of the month? How about …

Sleeper Cell: American Terror Sunday, Dec. 10-Sunday, Dec. 17 (Showtime) Miniseries: As if domestic criminals weren’t enough to worry about, Showtime’s miniseries about Islamic terror cells in Los Angeles is back—and with Jack Bauer currently on a slow boat to China, no less! Chloe!

The Lost Room Monday, Dec. 11-Wednesday, Dec. 13 (Sci-Fi) Miniseries: Doesn’t get much more high-concept than this: A cop (Six Feet Under’s Peter Krause) comes into possession of the key to a motel room along Route 66 in New Mexico—a supernatural motel room full of powerful objects, like a comb that can bend time and an electricity-shooting pen, if not a decent air conditioner (yeah, all motels are the same). When his daughter (Elle Fanning) suddenly disappears within, he realizes Room 10 of the Sunshine Motel is the center of unearthly power—also because a mysterious woman (Julianna Margulies) tells him so, and mysterious women are always right in science fiction. Naturally, all kinds of nefarious figures are out to collect the objects to Control the World, and now Cop and Mysterious Woman are in the thick of it. The Lost Room is on the dazzling, high end of the Sci-Fi quality scale—more The Triangle and Taken than FrankenFish and DinoCroc—so expect much talk of it becoming a series but never panning out.

Nip/Tuck Tuesday, Nov. 12 (FX) Season Finale: Not only did Nip/Tuck finally jump the shark this year, it gave it a sex change and a new nose before bending it over a gurney and having its way while crying “Mommy!” Seriously, this season would have been effdup even without naked Rosie O’Donnell (eww), the lobster baby (sheesh), Larry Hagman’s sag-sack (yikes), the dwarf nanny (zoinks), lesbian Alanis Morissette (oh, sure), the nipple-eating dog (ouch), the kidney thieves (damn) and Scientology (that’s just going too far). In the season closer, tattooed mofo Escobar Gallardo is back again, and Christian’s “love” life is in jeopardy … again. Ah, at least some things never change.

DVD
Beerfest The Broken Lizard crew (Super Troopers and other lesser movies that make you want to keep referencing Super Troopers) takes on the most sacred of all subjects: Beer, and the voluminous guzzling of same—oh, and boobs. There’s also a “story” involving a competition, if you’re into that. WarnerBros.com

Miami Vice Other than Collin Farrell’s mullet, not much ‘80s action going on here—they didn’t even bring back the Jan Hammer theme! Still, the modern Miami Vice remake is a passable action-cop drama with more plot than required for the multiplex, hence a more satisfying ride on DVD. But why so serious? NBCUniversalStore.com

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest A stunning feat of trilogy filler between original and finale, Dead Man’s Chest at least seems like it’s going somewhere even though absolutely nothing is happening during the six-hour (or whatever it is) running time. It’s The Cap’n Jack Sparrow Show, for sure, which saves it from absolute suckage. Disney.com

24: Season 5 Easily the most thrilling season since the first, with the best villain the series has ever had: President Logan, a magnificent weasel of the highest order (face it, President Palmer was a snooze). Also more Chloe and more kills, not to mention a hijacked-to-China cliffhanger that’ll resolve … uh, how? FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (Dec. 5) Cheyenne: Season 1, The Dukes of Hazzard: Season 7, The Oh in Ohio, Pinky & the Brain: Vol. 2, Pulse, Rosanne: Season 6, Saturday Night Live: Season 1

BROADBAND
Jericho CBS’ apocalypse soap is on vacation until February, but the website is loaded with enough catch-up content (including all episodes streaming to present and a full-on Wiki section) to maybe justify jumping on the Jericho bandwagon next year. Missing: Lil’ Jon doing a “Skeet-Skeet-Skeet” parody.