29 Finales & a Bitch Ain't One

Seven days, 29 season finales, no waiting ...

Thursday 5.17
The Office, Scrubs, ER (NBC) In The Office’s one-hour season finale, Michael, Jim and Karen are all interviewing in New York for the job at corporate—but is Andy still floating in the lake? As for the season (but not series) finale of Scrubs, it’s all babies and weddings, so it’ll flow seamlessly into ER.

Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) How could Ugly Betty get any gayer? Bring in Kristin Chenoweth and stage a musical episode! Grey’s Anatomy goes out further setting up the Kate’s Anatomy spin-off and a forthcoming Disneyland ride (adults only).

Smallville, Supernatural (The CW) Hair mussed, shirts off—let’s fight some evil!

Friday 5.18
Law & Order (NBC) Hair Brylcreemed, shirts tucked—let’s not get canceled!

Numb3rs (CBS) A shocking secret is discovered within the FBI team. Not to give anything away, but it involves Charlie, a calculator and six female Korean “massage” therapists.

Saturday 5.19
Saturday Night Live (NBC) Zach Braff hosts, so the musical guest has to be some underground indie-hipster sensation. Ladies and gentlemen … Maroon 5?

Mad TV, Talkshow With Spike Feresten (Fox) After 12 seasons, Mad TV may not be back for another—because, get this, lead-out Talkshow With Spike Feresten pulls better late-night ratings than Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and Carson Daly do on weeknights. Seriously! Also, Talkshow is owned and produced by Fox; Mad TV, not so much. Wow, that’s more ink than has ever been wasted on these shows …

Sunday 5.20
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters (ABC) Would The Only TV Column That Matters™ make a cheap Ty Pennington/DUI joke? Why hammer the hammered? Ha! On Desperate Housewives, it’s more weddings and no babies, which would flow seamlessly into Brothers & Sisters, if not for the fact that B&S sucks.

King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox) Another wedding (!) for King of the Hill, Jack and Chloe of 24 drop in on The Simpsons, Peter time-travels on Family Guy and American Dad races across the country—just like Drive, only not canceled. Ouch.

Monday 5.21
The Bachelor (ABC) Andy the buff ‘n’ waxed Bachelor is not gay. He loves the ladies. As long they have a penis … er, sweet personality.

24 (Fox) Disco Stu and Bumblebee Man of The Simpsons drop in on 24 … no? So unfair.

Heroes, Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC) Can the Heroes prevent New York from being blow’d up and a post-apocalyptic future of weird facial hair? On L&O:CI, the bodies are piling up—and none of them are Vincent D’Onofrio’s.

Tuesday 5.22
Dancing With the Stars, Boston Legal (ABC) Why do people continue to watch Dancing with no Heather Mills? I’m stumped. Boston Legal’s season finale finds Alan and Denny representing Andy the Bachelor, who’s suing some TV hack for defamation.

NCIS (CBS) A hostage-situation cliffhanger. How unusual.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) Ice-T’s stepson (Ludacris) goes on trial for murdering his baby-mama. Expect some acting, sucka!

Veronica Mars (The CW) It’s the end of the line for Veronica—maybe. At press time, The CW was leaning toward canceling Veronica Mars instead of opting for a fourth season that would jump ahead five years and revolve around our spunky heroine’s new adventures in the FBI. Or in the Pussycat Dolls.

Wednesday 5.23
Lost (ABC) You now know they’re not getting off the island until 2010. Wait it out.

American Idol (Fox) Oh, and we’re out of space. Dang the luck …

CSI: O.C.

CSI, Without a Trace Thursday 5.10 (CBS) O.C. Alert, Season Finale: Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) may have found movie work in the critical dog In the Land of Women (“Garden State for Dummies”), but the only former O.C. star that The Only TV Column That Matters™ cares about, Melinda Clarke, is back as the only CSI character I can actually name: Dominatrix Lady Heather … Julie Cooper with marketable skills, so hot. And as if that weren’t enough, Without a Trace (the Maxim of crime procedurals) returns to Thursday for a special fifth-season finale involving Roselyn Sanchez and Poppy Montgomery undercover as dominatrixes. Not really, but I’m imagining as hard as I can …

Traveler Thursday 5.10 (ABC) Series Debut: Three college buddies road-trip to New York and visit an art museum, which explodes after two of them are caught on security cameras rollerblading out of the building, which then gets them labeled as terrorists as the third bud (named “Will Traveler”) who could clear them has mysteriously vanished. Have they been framed in an international conspiracy? Who is Will Traveler? And what kind of “college buds” hit New York for a day of art museums and rollerblading? If you were a fan of serialized thrillers like Day Break and The Nine … you should have learned your lesson by now.

Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home Friday 5.11 (CBS) Season Finales: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s soft-focus spirit fluffer has lasted two whole seasons now, so maybe she’s earned a reprieve from the boob jokes. In the season finale, Melinda must once again battle the forces of the dark side in Grandview, and nothing thwarts evil like spectacular fun bags (they’re large sacks of crystals and charms from The Angel Shoppe next door to Melinda’s antique store, ya pervs). On the second-season ender of Close to Home, Annabeth’s hair looks great and somebody gets killed—but it’s not that handsome JAG fella, so tell your mom to relax.

Survivor: Fiji Sunday 5.13 (CBS) Season Finale: One of the dirty islanders wins a million bucks, followed by the reunion show, followed by the usual winner’s press rounds on The Early Show, The Late Show, The Late Late Show and Everybody Hates Katie Couric, er, The CBS Unwatched News. Just business as usual.

How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, The King of Queens, CSI: Miami Monday 5.14 (CBS) Season Finales: All you need to know: How I Met Your Mother is the funniest trad sitcom on television right now, Two & a Half Men is the filthiest, The King of Queens is dead (series finale, folks), and CSI: Miami’s opening sequences are the purest of comedy—“Looks like this chicken …” [Slips sunglasses on] “… is fried.” Ha!

Gilmore Girls Tuesday 5.15 (The CW) Series Finale: Yes, it’s finally over—unless you considered Gilmore Girls to be over at the end of last season, which is entirely understandable, what with all of the sucking that’s been going on during this season. Seriously. It’s sucked with the force of a thousand sucky things—or a single One Tree Hill. How’s it all gonna end? This much we know: Rory graduates, lands a job as a political reporter and leaves Star Hollow, Lorelai and Luke get back together, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour makes a cameo (?) and—again, I’m imagining as hard as I can—Paris gets her own spin-off series on Showtime, starring as a fast-talking dominatrix in Paris is Burning. Oh, yeah …

DVDs 5.1.07

Dreamgirls Beyonce Knowles, Jennifer Hudson and another girl sing, fight and cry in the big-haired ‘60s, then get snubbed for some Oscars. And, scene. Paramount.com

The Girls Next Door: Season 2 Despite what you’ve seen on E!, Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends are not all retarded. Only Kendra is. Hope that clears things up. FoxHome.com

Illegal Aliens Anna Nicole Smith’s final tour de force, about alien bimbos protecting Earth from intergalactic evil. Yes, another Oscar snub. MTIVideo.com

Little Children Bored suburbanites (Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson) have an affair; a pedophile (Jackie Earl Haley) comes home; another feel-good hit. NewLine.com

Melrose Place: Season 2 No more Valuable Life Lessons—just backstabbing, bitchiness, brawls and Heather Locklear. Hence, the single greatest series of the ‘90s. Paramount.com

What I Like About You: Season 1 Amanda Bynes and Jennie Garth in The WB’s version of Sex and the City—minus sex, plus (usually) funnier jokes. What took so long? WarnerBros.com

More New DVD Releases (5.1) Alpha Dog, Beverly Hills 90210: Season 2, The Hitcher, King of Queens: Season 8, Will & Grace: Season 6

BROADBAND
VBS.tv If YouTube.com had some focus and quality control, or a cable network just had the balls to try anything and everything … it still might not be as cool as VBS.tv, a free “online broadcast network” that lives up to its own subtitle. Shorts from around the world, ranging from the serious and geopolitical, to alternative comics getting freaky, to casual chats with nude models, to bands you’ve never heard of, VBS.tv quite literally has it all. Good luck getting away from it once you’re sucked in.

You Know, the Mormons ...

No, I didn’t watch Part 1 of the PBS Frontline documentary The Mormons tonight. Why? First, it’s on PBS—think I have it blocked on the cable. Second, living in Salt Lake City, I hear plenty about the LDS Church, anyway; don’t really need another four hours of it, thank you. Besides, you can learn everything you need to know in a mere 22-minute South Park episode (Season 7’s “All About the Mormons,” from 2003). But, if you’re still curious, here’s an exclusive clip from the documentary:

Drive Fast, Die Pretty

Drove Firefly, Wonderfalls, The Inside—why exactly do Tim Minear and Fox continue to work together? Like those three critically-loved/audience-rejected series, Minear’s Drive (about an illegal cross-country race, as characters would mention every 10 minutes) has been pulled off the air before it could complete its low-rated run and replaced with—wait for it—House repeats. But for the few hundred of you who were sucked in, the remaining two episodes will either burn-off on Friday nights in the summer or stream-off online at Fox.com or be distributed via strategically hidden VHS tapes scattered throughout the nation’s highway rest stops. And … go!

Human Giant Thursdays (MTV) So it’s been on for a month—how was I supposed to know MTV was going to slip in a show that’s not about brain-dead teens and 20-somethings hooking up to produce the next (or Next) bastard generation of brain-dead MTV viewers and stars? Can’t imagine why MTV doesn’t contact me about these things. Anyway, Human Giant is the Internet-bred baby of comics Aziz Ansari, Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer, a series of short-film sketches so hysterically un-P.C. and Mr. Show-tilted that I’ve almost forgotten my pure, burning hatred of Paul Scheer. Almost. Among the many instant-classic bits (available online pretty much everywhere) is a blockbuster-film recreation of the Sept. 11 saga, starring children, titled Lil’ 9/11. Hey, it has a shot at the Lil’ Oscars, motherfuckers.

Shark Thursday 5.3 (CBS) Season Finale: James Woods, sleazeball-defense-attorney-turned-city-prosecutor. Jeri Ryan, Los Angeles District Attorney. A team of fab-haired, power-suited models at their disposal. It’s an ER-killin’ hit, but The Only TV Column That Matters™ declared Shark ridiculous (or, as they say on Human Giant, ric-deezy-lus) upon its debut in September. Nothing’s changed; if anything, the show’s gotten cocky and comfortable in its borderline campy, faux-Bruckheimer legal bluster—which makes it waaay more fun than other CBS law fare like Close to Home, an actual Jerry B. production. In the season finale, Stark the Shark faces off (again) with serial killer Billy Campbell, so expect Acting! galore. Or, Ryan’s case, Pouting!

Cold Case, The Unit Sunday 5.6; Tuesday 5.8 (CBS) Season Finales: There’s a certain quadrant of CBS’ schedule that gets huge ratings, yet you’ll never find anyone who’ll admit, even at gunpoint, to watching the shows—trust me, I’ve tried (“Can’t name a CSI:NY character? Don’t push me, punk!”). NCIS is the flagship phantom; Cold Case and The Unit are close behind: The former stars Kathryn Morris and her Bowie Labyrinth wig as a Philadelphia detective who solves crimes committed as far back as the wardrobe budget will allow (‘70s polyester, yes; 1870s petticoats, not so much). The latter stars well-endowed Dennis Haysbert undercover in the porn industry … I think; never actually seen it. Both end their seasons on nail-biting cliffhangers. Or pillow-biting cliffhangers.

Hooters Dream Girl Challenge Tuesday 5.8 (MyNetworkTV) Having failed with knockoff telenovellas, start-up MyNetworkTV is scrambling for viewers—any viewers—with dude-bait programming even Spike has probably passed on. This week, it’s America’s Trashiest Weddings, Body Doubles International Twin Search and this, America’s Next Top Mooseknuckle. Sixteen Hooters waitresses from around the world (tres exotic) compete for the honor of appearing on the cover of … the Hooters Magazine swimsuit issue? Look for it on newsstands next to the Ruby Tuesday Reader.

Jericho Wednesday 5.9 (CBS) Season Finale: In a battle of Springfield vs. Shelbyville proportions, the townsfolk of Jericho take on neighboring New Bern to determine who’ll be the Kings of the Apocalypse—and, sez the CBS PR, “one of Jericho’s own will be lost.” My money’s on Major Dad.

The Return of Dolphin Girl!

Not that they bothered to officially announce it, but NBC has at least noted on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip’s website that the show will finally be returning to the air on Thursday, May 24—the day after May Sweeps are over, coincidentally. How long it lasts there against CBS’ hit Shark and other networks’ fare is anyone’s guess; the famously flopped Aaron Sorkin series’ burn-off could be dealt further indignity with a Saturday or even online death sentence, which would actually be better than Saturday. NBC is still overlooking my brilliant idea to merge semi-hit 30 Rock with Studio 60 to make one mega-tribute to Saturday Night Live. Tiny Fey against Sarah Paulson? Tina wins. Tracy Morgan vs. D.L. Hughley? Tracy wins. Alec Baldwin taking on Steven Weber? Puh-leez. But, no one on 30 Rock can brood like Matthew Perry. Balances out.

Duff Enough

Tonight’s one-hour season finale of Ace of Cakes (Food Network) delivered two impossible creations: A dead-on replica of a Royal typewriter (see, kids, back in the dark ages … never mind) and a football monstrosity roughly the size of a Mini Cooper that Duff and the Charm City Cakes crew drove from Baltimore to Miami for the Super Bowl. Whether these cakes are actually edible is beside the point—they’re engineering and artistic marvels; if you can eat ‘em, bonus. Me, I’m saving up for a cake re-creation of Jimi Hendrix burning his Strat at Monterey Pop (see, kids, Jimi Hendrix … never mind).

DVDs 4.24.07

Moral Orel: Season 1 Everything you need to know about Christianity, in convenient 15-minute stop-animation chunks. You can enjoy it repeatedly … in hell. AdultSwim.com

.45 Milla Jovovich, not in the future nor super-powered, just killing her abusive drug dealer boyfriend. So, it’s a romantic comedy. ThinkFilmCompany.com

Code Name: The Cleaner Cedric the Entertainer is an amnesiac super-spy (or janitor) juggling two women (Nicollette Sheridan, Lucy Liu) and a bad, bad movie. NewLine.com

Déjà Vu Denzel Washington sees the past to solve present crimes. How does that help? Who cares? Here comes the action! Touchstone.movies.go.com

NCIS: Season 3 Either you or your mom watches NCIS—just admit it already. As crime procedurals go, you could do worse … like Criminal Minds. Paramount.com

Satan’s Cannibal Holocaust With a title like that, you need more? OK, fine: Evil Catholic schoolgirls live under the streets and torture and eat coeds. There. ThadiusPictures.com

More New DVD Releases (4.24) Caffeine, Ed, Edd & Eddy: Season 2, Ironside: Season 1, The Lost Tomb of Jesus, Night at the Museum, The Odd Couple: Season 1, One Day at a Time: Season 1, The Queen, Thr3e, WKRP in Cincinnati: Season 1

BROADBAND
Pacific Blue The Only TV Column That Matters™ is constantly having to argue the existence of a ‘90s cable series called Pacific Blue, which was essentially Baywatch on Bikes with pretty bicycle cops (including Paula Trickey, most recently Taylor Townsend’s mom on The O.C.). Nobody ever believes it, but now clips are all over YouTube and vindication is mine. Yes, it is quite a shallow existence ...

Scartarded

I’ve finally found not one, but two shows on MTV I can watch without wishing for the Apocalypse! Human Giant is smart (more on this another time), but Scarred is pure idiot genius: Young dudes on boards, skis, blades and other “extreme sports” conveyances getting utterly fucked up while attempting to perform ridiculous stunts—for the cameras! This is Natural Selection in action. There’s the big build-up (“I totally knew I could pull this off”), the slow-motion approach (“Something was, like, wrong”), the impact (“I could feel my ankle snap in, dude, 40 places”), the screaming like a pussy (“Aaaauuugggh! Ooowww! Bleep!”) and the poignant music followed by “I sure won’t try that again … for a while.” During this, you’re either A. Cheering these “heroes” on or B. Wondering why these boneheads spend more on clothes and hair products than protective gear. Either way, big dumb fun! Mitigating factor: Host Jacoby Shaddix, a Hot Topic casualty who somehow manages to be even more annoying introducing video clips than fronting ‘90s grunt-rock leftovers Papa Roach. Proceed with caution. Or not, even better.

Mars Redacts

Veronica Mars Tuesday 5.1 (The CW) Return: Oh, relax. This is one of the last times you’ll have to read about Veronica Mars here—ever. Inside TV-biz buzz says that our dear Veronica has already been canceled by The CW, and this Season 3 runoff will culminate in a two-hour series finale on May 22. Well, unless there’s a pressing Search for the Next Pussycat Doll reunion/chlamydia-screening special, then forget about closure. On the upside, this will free star Kristen Bell up for deservedly bigger and better things; she was too good for UPN, and definitely above a leftovers network that would cast her aside for far-less-talented hoochies and skanks (Top Models, Pussycat Dolls, One Tree Hillers, take your pick). And, since you’re not watching Veronica Mars on TV, be sure and check out the DVD sets and send me all kinds of “Hey, why did they cancel this great show?” queries later this year, OK?

30 Rock Thursday 4.26 (NBC) Season Finale: Oh, relax. This is the last time you’ll have to read about 30 Rock here—until next season! That’s right: Tina Fey’s unlikely little hit will be back in the fall, which is more than you can say for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, the other “Saturday Night Live show.” True to TV, the 30 Rock gang are heading into summer hiatus in the season finale, and wackiness ensues as Liz comes off her boyfriend high, Tracy’s still missing and Jack’s marriage to the brittle-boned British bird looms—can Dr. Spaceman help? Oh yeah.

October Road Thursday 4.26 (ABC) Series Finale: ABC had the perfect Thursday night with Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy and Men in Trees—until they pissed it all away on October Road, a maudlin 9 p.m. dramarama that might as well have “Just flip over to ER or Shark—hurry!” in the opening credits. Take heart: Men in Trees returns May 10, and October Road will fade into the television ether with …

Six Degrees Friday 4.27 (ABC.com) Online Burn-Off: Or, “Cross-Media Platform Repurpose,” as they probably say in the Wide World of Web. Like NBC’s The Black Donnellys (in case you didn’t notice), Six Degrees is playing out its final episodes online instead of in primetime—which makes perfect sense, to have a star-heavy multimillion-dollar series streaming on the Internet alongside no-budget YouTube videos of geeks in bathrobes smacking each other in the nuts with plastic light sabers. Also, as with the Donnellys, ABC is making the mistake of rolling the episodes out weekly (like it’s TV) instead of making them all available at once (like it’s, oh, the Internet).

Lake Placid 2 Saturday 4.28 (Sci-Fi) I’ll admit it: I actually paid money to see the original Lake Placid in ’99—it was a different century then, and Bridget Fonda was still hot. Not that she isn’t currently hot, I assume; just haven’t seen her since Monkeybone (yeah, paid for that one, too). In this long-unawaited sequel, the babies of the giant killer crocodiles of Lake Placid (which still isn’t the actual Lake Placid, just a placid lake prone to giant killer crocodiles) are grown and out for blood, and they can only be stopped by … John Schneider and Cloris Leachman? What, they couldn’t get Bridg?

The Bad Girls Club Tuesday 5.1 (Oxygen) Season Finale: God, I love this show. Sure, it perpetuates a certain stereotype of “crazy women” who fly into jealous psycho rages and/or crying jags after a few drinks, but come on … we all know one. Some of us even have a scar or bar ejection or two. Ahem. Anyway, imagine a Reality House filled with eight of ‘em while you’re safe on the other side of the screen. Beats the hell out of ESPN 2.