Ugly Grey Trees Not that, as a dude, I should admit to watching ABC’s Men in Trees—but it’s moving from Friday nights (the domain of shut-in cat ladies) to Thursdays (pre-weekend safe zone), so all’s cool. Beginning Nov. 30, Men will follow Grey’s Anatomy and displace spiraling serial suckfest Six Degrees, which should rightfully never be heard from again. Men in Trees is a relative hit on Fridays; lined up with Ugly Betty and Grey’s, ABC just might take Thursdays for the first time since, well, ever. Wondering how much more mileage can ABC squeeze out of that Anne Heche-does-Northern Exposure storyline? The Only TV Column That Matters™ thought Grey’s Anatomy ran out of plot in its first episode—as long as you’ve got dreamy/stubbly guys around, anything can happen.
My Name is Earl, The Office, 30 Rock Thursday 11.16 (NBC) Super-Sized Sweeps Episodes: For the second time, My Name is Earl and The Office get the 40-minute treatment—and, for the first time, someone might actually see 30 Rock. On Earl, Kaptain Karma tracks down a stoner (Christian Slater) he once robbed, and Randy gets bumped on the noggin and starts seeing everything in claymation (courtesy Rob Ronning of Adult Swim’s Robot Chicken and Morel Orel). On The Office, the Scranton and Stamford branches of Dunder-Mifflin merge—yes, it’s The Jim & Pam Show again. As for 30 Rock, it’s more actual NBC/GE product placement posing as mockery of NBC/GE product placement. Oh, Tina, Tina, Tina …
Reba Sunday 11.19 (The CW) Season Premiere: Fake-out canceled during the WB/UPN merger for not being “young” and “edgy” despite having “ratings” and an “audience,” Reba finally makes her CW premiere, paired up with the flagging 7th Heaven (brilliant plan, bringing that dog back). Can she save Sunday nights for a network that should seriously cut back on its green-graphics budget? Don’t care, as long as there’s …
Family Guy Sunday 11.19 (Fox) Season Premiere: OK, follow me here: The fourth-season finale was last week, the DVD of which was released this week—and now, right in the midst of the current fall TV frenzy, Family Guy’s fifth season is launching (with guest voices Gary Cole and David Cross). This is almost as confusing as that time Peter went after the hockey coach … No clip? Nope? No clip? Thought we had a clip …
Madonna: The Confessions Tour Live Wednesday 11.22 (NBC) It’s that “controversial” concert special with Madonna being crucified on a disco-ball cross. No, NBC isn’t going to show the scene, thus guaranteeing that even fewer people are going to tune in to Madge’s first-ever network TV special, which will likely repeat far better on NBC’s gay cousin Bravo—just sayin.’ “Madonna is one of the greatest artists of our time and never fails to generate excitement,” NBC gushes in the press release, which was apparently faxed from sometime the early ’90s. “We think this is going to be a big event for television.” Yeah, especially when she sings “Vogue” riding across the stage on a Rascal decorated with rosaries and dildos. Run, Baby David, run!DVD
Family Guy: Season 4 Technically, Part 2 of Season 4, not including this fall’s episodes—Fox programming is as scattershot as Family Guy’s marketing is DVD-savvy. This set (kicked off brilliantly with Peter pissing on the FCC) sagged creatively in the middle, but closed freakin’ sweet (Peter pisses on The Godfather). FoxHome.com
Reba: Season 4 Reba rarely gets its due as a funny series that’s not only for the NASCAR demo—mostly, but not only. Despite a penchant for Very Special Episodes (this particular season, Cheyenne’s an alcoholic—as would you be if your name were Cheyenne), it’s as solid as the dying breed of laugh-trackers gets. FoxHome.com
Six Feet Under: The Complete Series All 63 episodes of five seasons, plus two soundtrack CDs, character obituaries and a deluxe box topped with Astroturf and a tombstone—trade in those individual season sets; this is the one to be buried with (or in). Though 6FU wasn’t always perfect—Season 4 was, well, dead—this collection is. HBO.com
Strangers With Candy The film adaptation of the long-canceled Comedy Central cult series about a 46-year-old “junkie whore” who returns to finish high school continues the most twisted After-School Special ever imagined, but doesn’t really build on it. Who cares? Amy Sedaris’ Jerri Blank is the anti-heroine. ThinkFilmCompany.com
More DVD Releases (11.14) Accepted, Boffo! Tinseltown’s Bombs & Blockbusters, CSI: Season 6, The Da Vinci Code, John Tucker Must Die, NCIS: Season 2, Northern Exposure: Season 5, Quantum Leap: Season 5, Who Killed the Electric Car?
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Mel Gibson Blues He’s had more timeless musical hits (“I’m an Asshole” is one for the ages), but actor/comic Denis Leary nails Malibu’s most wanted with this live clip: “I blame it all/ On alcohol/ My lawyer’s name is Joshua/ My agent’s name is Saul/ I like tequila.” MySpace.com/DenisLeary
The House! The Senate! The Studio! NBC has announced a full-season pick-up of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, but denied rumors of merging the hella-expensive Aaron Sorkin series with the even less successful 30 Rock (a little Scranton/Stamford reference for you Office fans). This means Studio 60 will at least make a nice Season 1 DVD set sometime next year—and if ratings don’t improve, it can go directly to your One Season Wonders shelf (yes, some of us have those … don’t judge). “I am pleased to show our support for this outstanding and ambitious effort from executive producers Aaron Sorkin and Thomas Schlamme,” said NBC Entertainment Prez Kevin Reilly. “From the start, they have delivered the superb show that we wanted. The critical support has been rock-solid and there is a passionate core audience. We can’t wait for what’s going to come in the remainder of the season.” Just as long as it stays on the Sunset Strip and the hell outta Pahrump.
Yes! Yes! What? No! Sure, the overall Blue-flip outcome of the midterm elections was nice (unless you live in the perma-freeze Republitopia of, say, Utah), but the now best news of the week has really broken: FX has renewed It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (only the best comedy series ever) for a third season, 15 new episodes set to premiere Summer 2007. Great, right? Yeah … here comes the taint-kicker: Deadweight guest star Danny DeVito will also be back. Season 2 was funny as hell despite him, but another? And ponder this from Variety: “Should Sunny last beyond next year, DeVito has agreed to remain as a cast member through Season 6.” Six seasons! But with DeVito! I’m so torn … and where's the damn Sunny DVD set, anyway?The Real Calvin & Hobbes From Robot Chicken—can’t stop watching this, sober even …
You mean "Fuck"? Tomorrow night on IFC, The Only TV Column That Matters™ suggests checking out The F Word, a faux documentary as reported by a guy who's racked up $1 million in FCC fines and, naturally, decides to spend his last day from the belly of the beast in the 2004 Republican Convention in NYC. Funny/weird stuff combining real protests and slumming actors, but I'll be watching for a glimpse of Callie Thorne (Rescue Me's Sheila; also currently appearing on Prison Break). Hey, Rescue Me may have killed her off—I'll take whatever I can get.Or Just "Foxed"? Fox has pulled the plug on the craptastic game show The Rich List after one virtually unseen episode; same goes for how-did-it-last-this-long? sitcom Happy Hour. This means you'll get an extra ep of The O.C. on Wednesday and a second helping of 'Til Death on Thursday. Celebrate/lament accordingly.Gay Up! How I Met Your Mother's Neil Patrick Harris (or, for those of you who haven't yet discovered that funny-ass CBS sitcom, Doogie Howser M.D. and/or the guy named Neil Patrick Harris from Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle) has come out of the closet. His Barney on HIMYM is/was an inspiration to serial-womanizers across the land ... I don't know what to believe anymore ...The Lost Hit List The only other TV columnist that matters, The San Francisco Chronicle's Tim Goodman, has assembled a rambling list of Lost characters who should die next, now that Eko's has been (here it comes) smoked: Pretty much everyone but Sayid and Charlie. Great, but Season 4 would be nothing but the fucking flashbacks. Isn't that already The Nine?
Nothin’ But Cancelled NBC, apparently stunned that the already low-rated series failed to attract viewers after being dumped in the Saturday-night dead zone, has finally killed Kidnapped—but hey, it’ll at least conclude on NBC.com! Meanwhile, the John Lithgow/Jeffrey Tambor crapfest Twenty Good Years was as good as gone when NBC announced the return of the Thursday comedy block (you can’t make me use the term “Must-See”) on Nov. 30, which will consist of My Name is Earl and The Office, joined by returning champ Scrubs and Tina Fey’s wildly uneven 30 Rock (seriously—what the fuck, Tina?). That’s two full hours of sitcoms sans laugh tracks, followed by ER, which really should have one. No word on the possibility of Twenty Good Years finishing out on NBC.com, but if you ask nicely the network might fax it to you.
Nail-Biting Curiosity And no, NBC has not—repeat, not—cancelled Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip … yet. Despite reports to the contrary (namely from Fox News, so there ya go), NBC entertainment prez Kevin Reilly says the network plans to stick with Studio 60, 30 Rock and the ridiculously overrated Friday Night Lights (sucked when it was called One Tree Hill) until somebody notices they’re still on. Possible strategery: Move FNL to Mondays after Heroes—where it scored big as a fill-in last week—and plant Studio 60 on Wednesdays opposite ABC’s unfortunately drooping The Nine (which will only worsen when Lost goes on vacation—more on that later) and whatever CSI redundancy CBS runs at 9. Or just replace the real Saturday Night Live with Studio 60.
Show Me the Money Tuesday 11.14 (ABC) Series Debut: Ready for a new game show that combines Deal or No Deal, Dancing With the Stars, William Shatner and a decade-old catchphrase? Me neither! Next …
3 Lbs. Tuesday 11.14 (CBS) Series Debut: Dr. House is now a neurosurgeon—and he’s Stanley Tucci! The title, currently the 84th numerical reference on TV (not counting—ha!—Numb3rs) refers to the weight of a human brain before sitting through a hackneyed medical drama wherein two doctors with wildly different techniques (One’s acerbic! One’s compassionate!) must somehow work together to Save That Patient. After, not so much.
Medium Wednesday 11.15 (NBC) Season Premiere: Oh yeah—can’t move Studio 60 to Wednesdays at 9; it’s occupied by Patricia Arquette now. The Season 3 opener of Medium bears an eerie stalker-riffic similarity to the season premiere of Ghost Whisperer back in September: A former lover of Our Heroine (in this case, Arquette’s real-life husband Thomas Jane) wants back into her life/pants … and he happens to be dead. Naturally, instead of crossing over, he decides to take up intangible residence in her house and mess with the husband. Meanwhile, Arquette’s daughter, who also sees dead people, starts dreaming in cartoons—fortunately, it’s Johnny Bravo, not 12 Oz. Mouse. No coming back from that.
Dancing With the Stars, Day Break Wednesday 11.15 (ABC) Season Finale/Series Debut: Will self-deposed dancer Sara Evans make good on her promise to return for the big finale? Could Joey Lawrence be any creepier? Is Mario Lopez cheating? The Answers: Yes, no and … cheating what? The readers of Man Candy Quarterly? As for ABC’s new sci-fi-ish serial and Lost sub Day Break, just pretend Tru Calling, Groundhog Day, The Fugitive and Brown Sugar (no plot relation, just a shit movie) never happened: Taye Diggs stars as a cop framed for a Murder He Didn’t Commit who keeps living the same day over and over again—will he set things right, or just make matters worse? At least for The Nine, probably worse.DVD
Beverly Hills 90210: Season 1 Finally! It was only the most important series of the ’90s! Fox’s fabled tale of fishes-out-of-water Brenda and Brandon Walsh could be considered the original O.C., just with a longer trajectory into ridiculousness and even longer sideburns. Ah, the high school years—why did they have to graduate? Paramount.com
Melrose Place: Season 1 Finally! It was only the other most important series of the ‘90s! The 90210 spin-off got deliciously soap-opera stupid in quicker fashion, but only click through the cloyingly dull early episodes for backstory purposes. Does this mean a DVD of ill-advised Melrose spin-off The Heights is coming? Paramount.com
The Sopranos: Season 6 Actually, Part 1 of Season 6; Part 2 won’t even air until ’07, as Sopranos fans are painfully aware. As divisive as this season was/is, plenty happened after Tony returned from Gunshot Dreamland—Gay Vito was the buzz, but the major characters (particularly Drugstore Christopher) got the best play. End? Near. HBO.com
The West Wing: Season 7 Too bad most (justifiably) bailed when Aaron Sorkin did a season before, because The West Wing regained most of its shine in the last lap thanks to a new presidential race (Jimmy Smits and Alan Aldam, almost rising to Sheen-ness). Maybe this DVD will generate some interest in Studio 60 … WarnerBros.com
More New DVD Releases (11.7) Cars, Grounded for Life: Season 4, JAG: Season 2, Little Man, LoudQuietLoud: A Film About The Pixies
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Dexter Like the HBO of five years ago, it’s getting tougher to put off getting Showtime, thanks to cool original series like Weeds and the dark new Dexter, currently the premium net’s No. 1 show (yeah, people are twisted). Still not convinced the story of a lovable serial killer is for you? Watch the first two episodes online for free; you’ll come around. Sho.com
The O.C.
Thursday 11.2 Fox
Season Premiere: Now facing off against CSI and Grey’s Anatomy, right after the returns of ‘Til Death and Happy Hour—can’t spell obviously canceled without O and C. Despite the timeslot of doom and last season’s looming shadow of suck, how’s the O.C. gang holding up? Not as well as the rest of us after the death of Marissa: Mom Julie’s in a pills ‘n’ power tools funk, broodier-than-ever Ryan’s joined a fight club, Seth’s on a narration kick, Summer’s become a stringy-haired college hippie (!) and, worst of all, some music intern apparently just loooves Placebo’s “Running Up That Hill.” Still, the fourth-season premiere (which debuted on MySpace last week) really does feel like that series “reboot” creator Josh Schwartz has promised is coming … so we’ll address the Taylor Townsend problem later.
Totally Awesome
Saturday 11.4 VH1
A “lost” movie from the ‘80s that’s actually a parody of every ‘80s movie VH1 has already analyzed ad nauseam through about 395 too many Weren’t the ‘80s Fucking Great? specials. Me, I’d prefer a Saturday night with a bottle of Smirnoff 100 and a (preferably VHS) marathon of Private School for Girls and Avenging Angel. Know what those two flicks have in common? Write/comment now and you might win something cool.
The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII
Sunday 11.5 Fox
Once again, five days after Halloween. This year’s trilogy: “Married to the Blob,” with Homer as an expanding fat-mass who can’t stop eating people—who else talk sense into him but raging pantload, er, guest star Dr. Phil? “You Gotta Know When to Golem,” wherein Bart spreads mischief via a Jewish folklore monster (Richard Lewis). “The Day the Earth Looked Stupid,” featuring the voice of Maurice LaMarche (The Brain of Pinky &) broadcasting The War of the Worlds to 1950s Springfield before real aliens Kang and Kodos take over … again. Yeah, South Park’s “Hell on Earth 2006” Halloween episode last week was better. Biggie Smalls, Biggie Smalls, Biggie Smalls …
American Dad, Family Guy
Sunday 11.5 Fox
Post-Baseball Returns: Stan joins forces with gay Republicans, then Chris and his rock band score a hit single with “Evil, Evil Monkey.” Sold!
Frisky Dingo
Sundays Cartoon Network
From the twisted melons behind Sealab 2021: The toxic tango of Killface, a supervillain whose plot to destroy the earth hinges on the execution of a killer branding campaign and pricey media buys, but after expenses can only afford postcards (“The dry-hump of marketing strategies”) and Awesome X, a superhero who needs a new nemesis to justify draining the assets of his billionaire playboy alter ego’s corporation (trés Iron Man). Frisky Dingo just might be Adult Swim’s first true love story. Or something.
Election Coverage
Tuesday 11.7
Only real political junkies care about tonight—it’s the SAG Awards to the presidential election’s Oscars (substitute the Source Awards and the BET Awards if you must). ABC, CBS and NBC are each bumping an hour of programming; Fox and The CW, not so much. The real coverage, though, is happening on cable—no, not CNN, Fox News or MS-whatever: HBO’s Hacking Democracy doc about the “security” of electronic voting repeats tonight, followed by a four-episode marathon of Da Ali G Show to make you feel even worse about being an American. As always, the most incisive election reporting is happening on Comedy Central, this year with The Daily Show & The Colbert Report Present the Midterm Midtacular. Seriously. Courage.DVD
Acapulco HEAT: Season 2
The Hemisphere Emergency Action Team (based in, natch, Acapulco) launched the syndicated action-jiggle genre in ’93 with a hottie cast that included Fabio (!), but lasted only one gloriously stupid season—until it returned as a Serious Drama. Mitigating factor: Still had Alison Armitage. MillCreekEnt.com
Ghost Whisperer: Season 1
First impressions painted Ghost Whisperer as Touched by an Angel 2.0, but Jennifer Love Hewitt’s supernatural drama skews slightly more creepy than weepy (hey, could have gone the tears/fears route, so shut up). Not as results-driven as Medium, but Season 1 ended on a doozy. Shhh!
Paramount.com
Kissology Vol. 1: 1974-77
Or, the only years that matter. Most hardcore Kiss Army members have seen at least some of this classic concert and TV footage (including the infamous ’76 Paul Lynde Halloween Special), but as a DVD package it’s about as definitive as that tightwad Gene Simmons is ever going to allow. VH1Classic.com
Mission: Impossible 3
Before Tom Cruise jumped the crazy train, he had a killer action flick in Mission: Impossible 3—even if he’s almost upstaged by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Sure, there’s barely a story (a lost Weapon of Mass Destruction … where have we heard that one before?), but who cares? Happy retirement, Tom! Paramount.com
More New DVD Releases (10.31)
Baywatch: Seasons 1 & 2, CSI: Miami: Season 4, The Kids in the Hall: Season 5, The Hitchhiker Vol. 3, Party at The Palms: Season 1
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The Daily Show: Indecision Flashback
Election Day is upon us—take a Motherload trip though The Daily Show’s coverage of the 2000, 2002 and 2004 races while telling yourself it can’t possibly happen again. Of particular note is an ’04 report on electronic voting, “combining the confusion of a 1700s electoral system with the utter lack of accountability of 21st century technology.” ComedyCentral.com
Canceled!
Didn’t fire up the True TV Fall Death Watch this year; I let the hundred or so geeks who fake-bet at BrilliantButCancelled.com handle that. CBS’ Smith (Ray Liotta as Master Criminal, Virginia Madsen as Unsuspecting Wife) became the first cancellation of the 2006-07 season; Runaway (Donnie Wahlberg and family on the lam) became The CW’s first cancellation ever; Happy Hour (Fox) and Kidnapped (NBC) are dead shows walking. The odds at BrilliantButCancelled.com say Anne Heche’s still-on-this-side-of-annoying Men in Trees (ABC) will drop next, even if the still-on-this-side-of-sucking ratings don’t back ‘em up. Can we get NBC’s Twenty Excruciating Minutes—I mean Twenty Good Years—up on that board already?
Not Canceled!
On the flipside, excellent new shows Heroes (NBC) and Ugly Betty (ABC) have already been given full-season pickups, as have CBS’ middling Jericho and Shark, The CW’s middling-er The Game and ABC’s perfect storm of cheese-grating melodrama and dartboard casting, Brothers & Sisters. Also picked up was second-season CBS “vet” Close to Home, which segues nicely into …
CBS Friday Night
Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home and Num3rs: Same lineup block as last year, same damn-good-for-Friday ratings, same storylines far as I can tell—who’s watching this three-hour thrilla in vanilla? Ghost Whisperer killed off sidekick Aisha Tyler at the end of last season, presumably to give more screen time to the dynamic threesome of Jennifer Love Hewitt (ah, boob jokes—good to have ya back); Closer to Home killed off star Jennifer Finnigan’s husband around the same time; Numb3rs hasn’t killed off anyone, but I have a prime number of at least five candidates should they get around to it.
Saxondale
Fridays (BBC America)
Like his previous outings Knowing Me, Knowing You and I’m Alan Partridge, Steve Coogan’s Saxondale wrings hilarity out of nowhere-fast situations—and this is the most nowhere yet. His Tommy Saxondale is a burnout roadie retired to suburban life as an exterminator, but still kicking against the pricks with a sweet banana-yellow Mustang and jaw-dropping jags of outrage that careen wildly from scholarly articulation to blithering rock-damaged blather. Knowing Alan who?
ABC Monday Night
The good news: Not many are watching Wife Swap and The Bachelor, and even fewer of those pinheads are sticking around for What About Brian. The WTF? news: Brian, even with that drop-off, is still beating NBC’s far superior Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, which is now losing half (!) the lead-out audience of new mega-hit Heroes. Didn’t The Only TV Column That Matters™ predict that Heroes would be too high-concept to catch on, while Studio 60 would become the new smart-sustaining West Wing? Another reason to ditch the Death Watch—I suck. And, I’ll admit to keeping up with What About Brian, but only through ABC.com, where they digitally distill an entire episode into three easy-on-the-brain-cells minutes. Give me convenience or give me …
Weeds
Monday 10.30 (Showtime)
Season Finale: While Showtime’s serial-killer serial Dexter (which I hear is killer) completely snuck by me, I’ve at least kept tabs on Weeds. The funny has been there for most of this second season, if not much focus and direction … oh yeah, it’s a TV show about marijuana … deep … where was I? Mary-Louise Parker can do no wrong, and the fact that a dramedy about a pot-dealing soccer mom has gone this long with so little outrage either proves that Mary Jane is now mainstream, or Showtime still isn’t. Me, I like Showtime under the radar—where else are you going to get drug dealers and murderers as charming protagonists? Besides C-Span?DVD This Week
Beavis & Butt-Head: The Mike Judge Collection
As in, the Special Collectors Edition: Vols. 1-3 and the timeless theatrical classic Beavis & Butt-Head Do America. If you bought any before, you’re a dumbass—says so on the shiny gold box: “To own it is to know the satisfaction and peace of mind of never having to pay for Beavis & Butt-Head again.” Paramount.com
The OC: Season 3
Usually, Jumping the Shark is reserved for individual events or episodes—The OC did it every week for an entire season! The rehab scammer, the psycho Dean, Julie in a trailer, Marissa in the ‘hood, surfin’ Johnny, Taylor Townsend, where to begin? Next season, maybe. WarnerBros.com
Slither
Could a horror flick with cameos by Lloyd Kaufman, Pam from The Office and musical-theater-literate zombies suck? Hell no, as Slither—a bloody/funny buffet of B-movie camp and circumstance—proved to a dozen theatergoers in March. Nathan Fillion is God. Or Bruce Campbell. NBCUniversalStore.com
That’s My Bush! Season 1
President Dubya as a bumbling sitcom star … laugh or cringe, citizens. Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s brief 2001 series was more a satire of TV comedy clichés than the presidency (could have been That’s My Gore!), but just imagine what they could have done with five more years of material … scary. ComedyCentral.com
More New DVD Releases (10.24)
I’m Alan Partridge: Season 1, The L Word: Season 3, Mini’s First Time, Nacho Libre, Nightmares & Dreamscapes, SNL: The Best of Saturday TV Funhouse
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Gore/Robbins 2008
Around six minutes into a speaking appearance taped in February, motivational guru Tony Robbins (on a loose, profane roll) tosses out the excuses for not achieving goals: “Didn’t have the time, money, contacts …” A voice from the front row adds, “the Supreme Court.” It’s Al Gore. Robbins then says Gore, with more of that Inconvenient Truth passion, “could have beat his ass.”
Scandalicious
Country MILF Sara Evans quits ABC’s Dancing With the Stars to direct her attention to reaming soon-to-be-ex-husband Craig Schelske, who would apparently really enjoy it. Allegedly, Craiggers has stored thousands of JPEGs of himself throttling his turgid manhood on the family computer, solicited backdoor sex through CraigsList (you really can get everything on there) and gotten boozy and abuse-y with Evans on occasion. Coincidentally, he’s also a (wait for it) right-wing Republican crusader. On the upside, Evans’ next release should be the best country album ever. Best New Show (This Minute)
Frisky Dingo on Adult Swim: Why would an evil supervillian need a marketing plan (and all the receipts) for the annihilation of the planet and mankind? And why the hell is it called Frisky Dingo? Who cares? At least I’ll miss Sealab 2021 a little less …
Full-Season Jacket
ABC’s Ugly Betty (cool show) and Brothers & Sisters (melodramatic crapola) have been granted full-season pickups, along with CBS’ Jericho (I’m still rooting for the apocalypse) and NBC’s Heroes (great series that gets better every week—thus increasing that Jump the Shark dread). Meanwhile, the odds at BrilliantButCancelled.com say the next network kill (besides Smith, Kidnapped and Happy Hour, all virtual goners) will be … ABC’s Men in Trees. Sigh. Not that I watch it on Friday night like a big girl or anything—I TiVo it and watch it Saturday morning over a heaping plate of manly bacon while doing curls with one hand and pounding a beer with the other.
Psych!
The season premiere of Las Vegas (see 10.13 entry below) has been pushed back from Oct. 21 to the following Friday so NBC can squeeze more mileage out of tardfest game shows Deal or No Deal and 1 vs. 100. Fine with me, since it would conflict with Men in Trees, anyway … I mean, bring on the titties and dice!
Why YouTube Kicks So Much Unholy AssThe Office’s Jim & Pam on the Rated-R tip.
Monday 10.9
How I Met Your Mother/The Class: CBS flipped ‘em and Mr. TiVo skipped the first 15 of Mother—luckily, CBS’ InnerTube had the full episode, because this show’s all about the details. It’s like Pulp Fiction with a (well-earned) laugh track. As for The Class: From critical Fall Season darling to Monday-night liability in under a month? Kill off some characters, this boat is too crowded—start with the newswoman, her gay ex-boyfriend and her even gayer husband (Sam fucking Harris! The original ‘80s Star Search winner! Miss the mullet, Sam).
Heroes/Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: On Heroes (continues to be a hit; I continue to be happily stunned), Supercheerleader got jacked. Hard. Gotta be tough to bounce back from your own autopsy. Studio 60 seems to be inching closer to the shark-tank ramp every week, but it still blows away everything else on network TV right now (including kindred NBC cousin 30 Rock—more on that in a few clicks). This ep about a stolen joke and scrambling to cover ass for “The West Coast Feed” was probably the most inside-baseball yet, and it still dazzled. Laughed every time at “The bear said, ‘Raaar!’”
Tuesday 10.10
Gilmore Girls/Veronica Mars: Yes, Lorelei is phoning it in—maybe even texting it in. She’s completely given up on everything but her hair, apparently. And the fact that post-teen Lane is really played by a 30-something actress is becoming waaay too obvious. Gonna be a long, desperate final season. Prospects are brighter on Veronica Mars, which is as strong as ever despite subliminal dumbing-down for The CW audience (there is one … somewhere).
Wednesday 10.11
30 Rock/Twenty Good Years: May have been premature in declaring that 30 Rock would outlast Studio 60: The latter pulls such an upscale smarty-rich demo that it’ll probably coast for a couple of years on NBC even if the ratings slip; the former tanked ratings-wise on its Wednesday debut, but mostly because everyone thinks NBC quit programming Hump Day after moving Law & Order Classic to Fridays (“They just do an MSNBC news-crawl all night, don’t they?”). It’s still funny, though—and Twenty Good Years is still pure shit. Just so we’re clear.
Lost/The Nine: The Lost: Season 3 DVD isn’t out yet—we’re only three goddamn episodes into it, so quit asking (only a slight exaggeration). The Nine is clipping along at a frighteningly fast pace, like ABC knows something we don’t but can easily guess: It’s dark and it ain’t holding the Lost audience, so let’s get it over with by the holidays so we can trim down the Christmas party guest list.
Thursday 10.12
My Name is Earl/The Office: Sadly, My Name is Earl seems to be losing it as quickly as The Office is becoming Legendary (capital L, suckas). Earl wasted a slam-dunk guest in Amy Sedaris (Amy! Sedaris!), but The Office killed with the same ol’ cubicle folk. Without Jim around, Pam seems to be getting more diabolical just to keep herself amused/sane (the Million Dollar Baby “grief” story, so left-field perfect it hurt). But, this Tale of Two Offices can’t go on forever; bring Jim back to Scranton. Hell, bring Karen, too—Pam’s obviously ready to throw down.
TV
Major League Baseball
All the Damned Time (Fox)
Nobody’s watching it (well, slightly more nobodies than are tuning into The CW), so I certainly hope Fox gets an assload of cash from Major League Baseball to throw this annual October beanball straight at their “hot” new fall shows. Actually, no I don’t: Vanished? Title says it all. ‘Til Death and Happy Hour? Didn’t even expect ‘em to make it through September. Justice and Standoff? Uh … which one had the Office Space guy and the Firefly chick? That one sucks only moderately. And don’t forget Spike Feresten … oh, you already have.
Desire, Fashion House
Weeknights (MyNetworkTV)
When new syndication fare comes along that makes you fully appreciate the masterful writing and production of daytime soap operas (tune in sometime; it’s amazing how many veteran characters still look better than you did back in the Bush 1 days), maybe it’s time to consider The Greg Behrendt Show … OK, nothing that drastic. MyNetworkTV’s telenovela knockoffs Desire and Fashion House (about desire and fashion, I believe) are almost as sexy as giving yourself a late-night “stranger” after chugging a pint of peach schnapps. But only almost.
Las Vegas
Friday 10.20 (NBC)
Season Premiere: Speaking of soap operas, what’s going to happen on the fourth-season opener of Las Vegas? Yes, it’s really been on for four years—focus, people! At the end of last season, Ed (James Caan) had taken a bullet before Delinda’s sham wedding, but the more pressing question (Ed’s not dead, baby) is: What’s going become of those implausible Boston-to-Vegas crossovers with Crossing Jordan now that NBC has bumped Jordan for yet another game show, the short-bus hit 1 vs. 100? Perhaps I’ve put far more thought into this than the network. Scary.
Kidnapped
Saturday 10.21 (NBC)
New Timeslot: Saturday night’s all right for … nothing but reruns. The last time any network bothered to program Saturday primetime with new material, some chubby young thing was going down on Bill Clinton—that’s right, this weekend (Bubba’s still got it). NBC has kicked new under-performer Kidnapped to the Saturday-night curb; Medium will take over its vacated Wednesday slot in November. Why let Kidnapped play out its remaining 10 episodes instead of just canceling it? Brace yourself: They’ve run out of Law & Order repeats! The end is nigh!
Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Paranormal Project
Sunday 10.22 (VH1)
Season Premiere/Series Debut: Hey, I’m just as surprised as you are—what’s left to break, Bonaduce-wise? In “sober” Season 2, says VH1, “Danny transfers his obsessions with substances to an obsession with his wife, Gretchen.” You may have been better off with the curbside Screwdrivers, Dan-O: Gretch and Dr. Gary are just bringing you down, man! Embrace the darkness! And bring the cameras! As for Celebrity Paranormal Project, if you can’t wait to watch Rachel Hunter, Gary Busey, Gilbert Gottfried, Traci Bingham and David Carradine pile into the Mystery Machine and chase ghosts, Mr. Bonaduce would like to make a discreet purchase from you.
House of Carters
Mondays (E!)
Here’s an idea: Fuck the Carters. Fuck Nick, Aaron, the sisters, fuck the whole stupid, spoiled, talentless, screechy family. And especially fuck those two pinheads who psychoanalyze each episode in the “Carters on the Couch” section of EOnline.com. Most of all, fuck me for actually going there and watching it.
South Park, Freak Show
Wednesdays (Comedy Central)
The first two episodes of the second half of South Park’s 10th season, “Make Love, Not Warcraft” (tweaking online gamers) and “The Mystery of the Urinal Deuce” (ditto, 9/11 conspiracy theorists), were pure genius; no other series—animated or not—can touch it for sheer pop-cultural immediacy. Comedy Central’s other new cartoon, Freak Show (which debuted along with the latest South Park batch on Oct. 4), is somewhat weak-sauce in the writing and animation, but features quite possibly the greatest superhero “freak” ever conceived: The Log Cabin Republican. Does he have power-texting abilities?
DVD
American Dreamz
A dark comedic hit-piece on American Idol and President Dubya? How was this not a hit? American Dreamz is almost up there with Wag the Dog in terms of brazenly nailing a political system and a pop culture gone annoyingly dumb; maybe it’ll become a cult item when it all finally goes to hell. NBCUniversalStore.com
Big Love: Season 1
Catch up on all the fuss, Utah! HBO’s intro season of a Sandy polygamist (Bill Paxton) and his three secret wives is surprisingly tense and comic, if not yet up to Sopranos levels of family-on-the-fringe drama. But, once Deadwood is gone (sigh), Big Love will become the Buzz TV Series. Mark it. HBO.com
The Break-Up
Vince Vaughn. Jennifer Aniston. Jason Bateman and Jon Favreau. Shoulda been hysterical. What the fuck? The Break-Up plays like an Oxygen TV movie with higher star wattage, long on Relationship Drama and short on actual laughs—hell, even Mr & Mrs. Smith was funnier. Upside: An Old 97s concert. NBCUniversal.com
La Femme Nikita: Season 5
The final season, as demanded by the fans: The 1997-2001 cable series was sleeker and darker than hot-spy successor Alias, and star Peta Wilson was more icily intimidating with a single look than Jennifer Garner ever was with an AK-47. WarnerBros.com
More New DVD Releases (10.17)
Cheaper by the Dozen 2, CSI: NY: Season 2, Starsky & Hutch: Season 4, That ‘70s Show: Season 5, They All Laughed, Wanda Sykes: Sick & Tired
BROADBAND
Nobody’s Watching For a sitcom that never was, Nobody’s Watching is generating as much Internet noise as any currently on the air (sorry, Tina Fey). “Derrick & Will” may never make a great TV comedy, but the Webisodes are time-killing office gold. NobodysWatching.tv
Ugly Grey Trees Not that, as a dude, I should admit to watching ABC’s Men in Trees—but it’s moving from Friday nights (the domain of shut-in cat ladies) to Thursdays (pre-weekend safe zone), so all’s cool. Beginning Nov. 30, Men will follow Grey’s Anatomy and displace spiraling serial suckfest Six Degrees, which should rightfully never be heard from again. Men in Trees is a relative hit on Fridays; lined up with Ugly Betty and Grey’s, ABC just might take Thursdays for the first time since, well, ever. Wondering how much more mileage can ABC squeeze out of that Anne Heche-does-Northern Exposure storyline? The Only TV Column That Matters™ thought Grey’s Anatomy ran out of plot in its first episode—as long as you’ve got dreamy/stubbly guys around, anything can happen.
