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Celebrity Skin

The Office, 30 Rock Thursday 4.5 (NBC) Super-Sized Episodes: You say The Only TV Column that Matters™ writes too much about The Office and 30 Rock? Ahem … don’t you know who I am? I’m Utah’s Best Newspaper Columnist! Back off! Anyway, on tonight’s new 42-minute Office, Daryl tries to get a raise from Michael and Roy begins his reign of terror on Jim—thanks, Empowered Pam. On the 39-minute return episode of 30 Rock, Arrested Development’s Will Arnett guests as a west coast NBC exec who’s after Alec Baldwin’s job. Hysterical over-overacting ensues; television may not be able to contain this—not even high-def.

Punk’d Saturday 4.7 (MTV) Series Finale Marathon: For the first time ever, a network is rolling out an entire season of show in one day—and then MTV plans on running the same Punk’d episodes weekly on Tuesday nights. Genius or insanity? Since MTV’s target audience is generally even dumber than MTV’s reality “stars” (don’t worry, they’re not reading … anything), let’s go with genius. And yes, this really is the final season of Punk’d; Ashton Kutcher told me so … wait a minute …

The Sopranos, Entourage Sunday 4.7 (HBO) Season Premieres: A day in jail or a weekend in the countryside—where do you think Tony would get jumped by a sweaty goombah? A fat-guy fight and a special birthday “gift” from Carmella aside, the first episode of The Sopranos’ final stretch is fairly domestic and introspective for Tony, who’s not quite feeling his old self and seems to be sensing the end of the line (in, say, eight more episodes?). If you want laughs, you’ll have to wait till next week, when we finally get to see some of Christopher’s “Saw meets Godfather II” film production, wherein Daniel Baldwin (!) takes the fired Ben Kingsley “to fuckin’ actin’ school.” On that note: Vince has a new agent on Entourage: Carla Gugino, so you know he’s going to nail her. Ari, meanwhile, is struggling with post-partum “feelings” (!!) after being canned by Vince—now that’s comedy.

The King of Queens Monday 4.8 (CBS) Season Premiere: Doug becomes a vegan, Carrie remains a bitch … so, final season, huh? Yeah, that’s a shame …

Thank God You’re Here Monday 4.8 (NBC) Series Debut: Fabulous celebrities (well, Joel McHale of The Soup, Newman from Seinfeld and some other C-listers) are thrust blindly into improv-comedy situations in front of a live audience—apparently, it was either this or picking up trash along the highway. The shells of David Allen Grier and Dave Foley’s former selves host.

Friday Night Lights, ‘Til Death Wednesday 4.11 (NBC, Fox) Season Finales: One of the most critically exalted new shows of the season and one of the most reviled, both ending on the same night—guess which I’ve actually seen more than one episode of? Good call. There’s a certain nobility in the way ‘Til Death seems determined to drag this dead horse of a sitcom premise (essentially Married With Children minus the deep intellectual subtext and hot teen daughter) across the finish line into the great Fox Comedy Graveyard. Not that it’ll be missed; just sayin.’ As for Friday Night Lights … look, I don’t even consider college ball a real sport—are you seriously asking me to care about high-school football? I’d rather watch improv, fergawdsakes.

DVD
Entourage: Season 3 Pt. 1 Vince hits big with Aquaman and nails more hot women—but Ari and Drama still rule. Highlights: James Woods and Seth Green as James Woods and Seth Green. (HBO.com)

The Good Shepard Slightly less dull (but still longer) than an actual documentary about the CIA, starring Matt Damon and his Serious Eyeware. (NBCUniversal.com)

Guys Gone Wild: Spring Break Explosion Drunk buff-boys prance around naked in a schlong-swingin’ frenzy—but they’re not gay, dude. Just completely shaved. Dude … (GuysGoneWild.com)

Jump In The Valuable Life Lessons of High School Musical, plus the razor’s edge tension of Double Dutch jump-rope competition! Squeal! (Disney.com)

Tom Goes to the Mayor: The Complete Series It seemed bizarre before Tim & Eric: Awesome Show; now, not so much. But hey, we’ll always have Bass Fest. Rats off to ya! (AdultSwim.com)

Volver A woman (Penelope Cruz) learns that women are divine beings and men are utterly disposable jerk-offs. Yeah, sounds about right. (SonyPictures.com)

More New DVD Releases (4.3) Black Xmas, Hardcastle & McCormick: Season 2, Law & Order: Season 5, The Lost Room, Twin Peaks: Season 2

BROADBAND
The Sopranos in 7 Minutes Don’t have time to catch up on five seasons of The Sopranos before it all comes to an end? Of course you don’t. As always, someone with waaay too much time on their hands has solved your problems: a YouTube video that condenses the entire story thus far with deft editing and sarcastically simple narration:

DVD Releases 3.27

Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj Van Wilder’s not actually in it—but Harold (or Kumar) is! Thus, the best Brit-collegiate romp since Oxford Blues. MGM.com

Afro Samurai Samuel L. Jackson kicks anime ass as a big-haired post-apocalyptic swordsman bent on daddy vengeance. Sucka. Funimation.com

Hacking Democracy Documentary: Electronic voting machines aren’t foolproof. Cynical logic: Fools are just voting for fools, anyway. HBO.com

Happy Feet Cute penguins sing and dance while preaching the joys of communism, separatism and shame. WarnerBros.com

The Shield: Season 5 An Internal Affairs cop (Forest Whitaker) goes after Vic as tensions rise—because things weren’t tense before. FoxHome.com

Turistas Pretty backpackers get jacked up in Brazil in the mash-up of Blue Crush and Hostel no one really asked for. FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases Full House: Season 6, Mind of Mencia: Season 2, Penny Dreadful, The Pursuit of Happyness, Seventh Heaven: Season 4

BROADBAND
This American Life Ease your way into the television adaptation of the NPR favorite with free video clips from Showtime’s This American Life, as well as radio bits so as to not slip into evil pay-TV shock.

More Bullshit!

Penn & Teller: Bullshit Thursdays (Showtime) New Season: The second episode of Season 5, and P&T are taking on … Wal-Mart? Says Showtime, the duo will be “dissecting its history of savvy business strategy while uncovering the reasons detractors are so against them.” Now that sounds like bullshit: Wal-Mart has detractors? Just because they hide behind a “friendly” “local” image and sell inferior products below cost in order to hurt competitors who don’t have multimillion-dollar corporations to prop them up? That’s just being cynical.

This American Life Thursdays (Showtime) New Series: Based on the National Public Radio series that … Hey! Come back! Where ya goin’? NPR isn’t all, as Patton Oswalt says, “Un. Listenable. Radio.” Mostly, sure, but Ira Glass’ popular This American Life is real people telling real stories with no quick-cut rushes to the next commercial and teaser—the opposite of “reality” TV, so how does Glass translate it to the tube without selling out? Quite well, TAL-heads; you’ll love the eventual DVD set (we all know you don’t subscribe to Showtime).

Sons of Hollywood Sunday 4.1 (A&E) Series Debut: If real people aren’t your reality-TV thing, there’s always Fabulous Celebrities. If none of those are available, call in the Less Talented/Charismatic Offspring of Fabulous Celebrities—like Sean Stewart (son of Rod), Randy Spelling (son of Aaron) and David Weintraub (well, he manages the other two, and this is his show). But, there’s no reason to care about the showbiz travails of the rich-boy Sons of Hollywood nor, when “singer/songwriter/model” Stewart’s lone talents seem to be looking greasy and never buttoning a shirt, wonder why you’ve never heard of ‘em before now.

Mind of Mencia, Reno 911 Sunday 4.1 (Comedy Central) Season Premieres: If Carlos Mencia really did steal all of his material from Joe Rogan and other comics … shouldn’t the shame be spread all around? Just sayin.’ And, as for Reno 911—when the hell is that Miami movie going to Brewvies? I need a beer.

Prison Break Monday 4.2 (Fox) Season Finale: Having not really watched Prison Break at all this season (not even when Rescue Me’s Callie Thorne guested—and I’m all about her), can’t offer much insight here other than the insider-biz knowledge that Michael and Lincoln will live to still be past-tense broken out of prison for a third season; the rest of the gang, maybe not so much. Next time around, the producers say, the story’s going international—and if Season 4 happens, they’re either going to outer space or Quebec.

Taquita & Kaui Monday 4.2 (MTV) Series Debut: They can’t sing or dance, which is why they were booted from Making the Band 3—and yet here they are with their own series, ready to take another shot at skankdom, er, stardom. It’s set in Las Vegas, so maybe they’ll wind up as dead strippers on CSI. Dare to dream, girls!

The Shield Tuesday 4.3 (FX) Season Premiere: Internal Affairs is still after Vic; Vic is after “Lemonhead’s” killer; the killer is a member of his own Strike Team; the Strike Team’s newest member is … the son of AC/DC’s Bon Scott?! Yes, Australian actor Alex O’Loughlin is the kid of the long-dead singer, and his character has been covertly planted by the suits at the Los Angeles Police Department to become Vic’s replacement. So he’s pretty much a goner.

In Case of Emergency Wednesday 4.4 (ABC) Season Finale: Make that series finale; ABC announced a chunk of early renewals last week, and In Case of Emergency (which somehow outlasted the better-reviewed Knights of Prosperity) wasn’t on the list. Too bad, because the show about a group of 30-something friends (Jonathan Silverman, Kelly Hu, David Arquette and Greg Germann) whose lives somehow went to shit post-high school actually turned into a funny series. Not as funny as Brothers & Sisters (allegedly a drama), but still …

Finale Fever!

Getting It In the End In case you missed all of the season/series finale action happening on TV tonight, here's what happened:

Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi) Before the trail resumed, Baltar escaped and was last seen fleeing in a white BroncoStar. As predicted, Starbuck returned from the dead--as Dirk Benedict, not Katie Sackhoff, unfortunately. For the cliffhanger, the fleet is attacked by Commander Adama's mustache from earlier in the season.

Rome (HBO) Butt sex, butt sex and more butt sex. Oh, and the fall of Rome. On an unrelated note, I saw 300 last week and was happy to learn that a visionary filmmaker has finally turned all those Molly Hatchet album covers into a videogame. Not enough decapitations, though.

The L Word (Showtime) All that was required here was one, count 'em one, decapitation: Jenny's. Did The L Word deliver? No! Look, if you're going to give us hot lesbian sex anymore, some heads are gonna have to roll or we might as well be watching Designing Women, beeotches.

Grease: You're the One That I Want (NBC) According to America, Max and Laura won. I don't know/care who they are, either. But if they could be decapitated, sweet.

You Ugly

A Week Without a Post, Now This? Yeah, I know. So tonight, ABC is running a Bruckheimer flick from 2000, the critically acclaimed coming-of-age tale Coyote Ugly starring Maria Bello and Piper Perebo. Wait, did I say critically acclaimed? I meant universally reviled; easy mistake. I actually watched this entire movie once (not sober, trust me), and the lesson I took away was "Follow your dreams and you can accomplish anything ... if you're a ridiculously hot piece of ass who can get slightly more beer in the glass than on your chest." But now, I'm thinking: If Tyra Banks had debuted as an "actress" in a better movie, would we be tortured with her talk show today? Also, did Piper Perebo, Bridget Moynahan and the other blonde who's not Maria Bello just go on an extended Embarassment Vacation after this tanked? And lastly: I have cable--why the fuck am I watching this? Hey, I'm sick; I need help. (Word to Dick Dietrick.)

Minimum P.I.

Andy Barker P.I. Thursday 3.15 (NBC) Series Debut: Remember Andy Richter Controls the Universe, a funny-as-hell 2004 Fox sitcom that was unceremoniously canceled for being funny as hell? Or Quintuplets, a lousy-as-hell Fox sitcom that met with the same fate in 2005? Good news: Andy Richter’s latest is neither too funny nor too lousy—and it’s not even on Fox! Andy Barker P.I., starring Richter as a bored strip-mall accountant who stumbles into a more exciting career as a private eye (could have been pitched as “The Rockford Files meets The Office”), plays it safe in comparison to its Thursday-night NBC neighbors, going for endearing over edgy (even Arrested Development’s Tony “Buster” Hale takes it down a notch or 12 here) at a leisurely comic pace. It’s solid, but you won’t lacerate yourself laughing at it, unlike, say …

Raines Thursday 3.15 (NBC) Series Debut: Jeff Goldblum is a Los Angeles detective who sees and converses with dead crime victims (could have been pitched as “The Rockford Files meets Medium”). Once more: Jeff Goldblum is a detective; never mind the corpse hallucinations—that’s comedy! Naturally, his unorthodox ways piss off his Exasperated Captain to no end and keep his Hot Therapist (Madeline Stowe—where’s she been?) intrigued. Goldblum’s Michael Raines is also crazy(er) about ‘40s cop noir, thus giving the show an oldies hue that would make it a passable partner for Monk on cable. Since NBC is moving/dooming Raines to the Friday-night dead zone after its debut, maybe that’s the plan.

October Road Thursday 3.15 (ABC) Series Debut: Big-city writer moves back to his small Northeastern hometown after 10 years away to get back in touch with his roots or some such bullshit … do we really need another one of these? Apparently, yes. Dead parent? Check. Ex-girlfriend who still carries a torch and may have had his son? Ditto. Quirky old friends who haven’t changed a bit? You betcha. Mental laundry basket full of regrets to assuage and loose ends to tie up? Oh, what the fuck do you think?! Welcome to What About Brian’s Garden State.

The Showbiz Show With David Spade Thursday 3.15 (Comedy Central) Season Premiere: There are still some of us who aren’t so over David Spade’s snarkier-than-thou shtick—I know; I can hardly believe it, either. Sure, his sitcom work always comes across like a rabid ferret trapped in a bunny cage (see Just Shoot Me, 8 Simple Rules and the current Rules of Engagement), but Spade is in his element mocking Hollywood, hosting The Showbiz Show with the borderline-hostile disinterest of a guy who’d much rather be at the strip club (The Only TV Column That Matters™ can relate—but maybe they have Wi-Fi there). Now if only there were something ridiculous going on in showbiz right now …

Dancing With the Stars Monday 3.19 (ABC) Season Premiere: I said ridiculous, not sad and ‘tarded.

Rules of Engagement Monday 3.19 (CBS) Season Finale: Didn’t I predict this would die a quick and unnoticed death last month? Mark this—it’s one of those rare occasions where I was (!) wrong. Not that Rules of Engagement doesn’t still suck; it just caught on strangely better than other sitcoms of equal suckatude. It’s all Patrick Warburton—he’s carrying this dead, rotting llama all alone on his hulking shoulders and lush eyebrows (Peter Gallagher of The O.C., you’ve been replaced). The Artist Formerly Known as Puddy kills with the delivery of a single line; my personal favorite (to co-star David Spade): “Aren’t you due back in Paris Hilton’s handbag?” Yeah, I could stand another round of this, CBS.

DVD
Casino Royale James Bond goes all Batman Begins with a dark, gritty prequel that renders almost half of the original 007 flicks flaccid and useless. Daniel Craig is a bad-ass new Bond who takes care of business (even if the plot is slightly simplistic) without the gear and the license to kill—yes, really. SonyPictures.com

The Holiday If you pair one of the worst actresses ever (Cameron Diaz) with one of the best (Kate Winslet), does it balance out? Hard to tell if you’ve already gouged you eyes out, which is the only logical reaction to this craptastic romantic comedy if your I.Q. cracks the 3-digit mark. If not, enjoy. SonyPictures.com

The Pretender 2001/Island of the Haunted While 2001 wrapped The Pretender (one of the great unsung action-dramas of the ‘90s) nicely post-cancellation, Island of the Haunted was a needless mess on par with The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island. Still, any Miss Parker is better than no Miss Parker. FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (3.13) Bosom Buddies: Season 1, Lovewrecked, Shortbus, TTW: Topless Tapioca Wrestling, Without a Trace: Season 2

BROADBAND
The Office Jonesing for The Office while it’s in reruns? Hey, who isn’t? NBC.com has enough outtakes and Web exclusives to almost piece together an extra season, as well as interviews with the regulars (including Andy and Karen—oh, quit hatin’) and, currently, recent guest director Joss Whedon. The best, however, has to be actress/writer Mindy Kaling (Kelly) stepping out of hyper-annoying mode, if not Jenna Fischer artfully side-stepping the Big Pam/Jim Question.

Andy & Buster

Richter Scale After crashing and burning with Andy Richter Controls the Universe and Quintuplests, Andy Richter returns a week from tonight with Andy Barker P.I., and he's bringing Arrested Development's Tony "Buster" Hale with him. The show's not quite as wacky as this promo makes it out to be, but it ain't bad, either. More to come ...

Thick as a Beck

You Mean This Isn't Fox News? CNN Headline's Glenn Beck interviewing Us Weekly's Dina Sansing about sexy photos on the Internet and ... oh, you'll see:



And then there's that wacky Keith Olbermann on MSNBC:

Get Rich

Las Vegas Friday 3.9 (NBC) Season Finale: Yes, already—the season only began in October! And that’s not all of the NBC cost-cutting going down on their only Friday-night hit: Las Vegas has been renewed through the 2007-08 season … but without star James Caan and increasingly-background eye candy Nikki Cox. Caan’s decision was entirely his own; he wants to get back to film work, and also has hinted that he thinks Las Vegas is dumber than a box of Keno cards (yeah … and?). On the other hand, Nikki Cox has just been flat-out canned, proving that C cups and D-minus acting (or is it the other way around?) will only carry you so far. Let’s get on with making Vegas even stoopider—and don’t even think of booting Vanessa Marcil, NBC …

Earthstorm Saturday 3.10 (Sci Fi) An asteroid crashes into the moon, thus nudging the moon closer to earth, screwing with the tides and pelting the planet with lunar junk, and only Stephen Baldwin (one of the less-greasy Baldwins) and Dirk Benedict (old-school Battlestar Galactica Starbuck) can stop it … or something. As Saturday-night B-movies on the Sci-Fi Channel go, Earthstorm is, well, one of ‘em—but why are exotic dancers working for Canadian Actors Guild scale always cast as scientists and TV reporters? If “Anna Silk” and “Heather Chase” aren’t stripper names, I’ll eat a pasty. Or two.

Blood Ties Sunday 3.11 (Lifetime) Series Debut: And if James Caan thinks Las Vegas is ridiculous, he should get a load of Blood Ties, Lifetime’s ambitiously daffy combo cop drama/vampire romance/sci-fi thriller—and allow me to drive the preemptive stake into the first TV critic to try and coin Law & Order: Special Vampires Unit. Private dick Vicki Nelson joins forces with a hunky 450-year-old bloodsucker to solve supernatural crimes, only to fall in lust with him; now, she’s torn between Drac Lite and her equally hunky former cop partner/lover … sensing a pattern here with Vicki? Girl’s got some workplace issues …

The New Adventures of Old Christine Monday 3.12 (CBS) Series Return: While NBC is (quite successfully) reinventing the sitcom-block on Thursdays with laugh-track-free darkhorses, CBS is staying the course with Monday comedies so traditional they could slip into TV Land virtually unnoticed—and yet they still work. Nothing ever really happens on Julia Louis Dreyfus’ Old Christine; she’s just a lovable single-mom effup with an astonishing gift for finding new ways to effup every week (newest episode: would you believe, sleep-dialing?). But, like CBS huh? hit Two & a Half Men—the dirtiest show on network TV now that Will & Grace is gone, just ask the Parents Television Council—The New Adventures of Old Christine is more clever than it looks.

The Riches Monday 3.12 (FX) Series Debut: Contrary to the dryly witty Eddie Izzard promos from FX, The Riches is not a comedy. Sure, it has its funny moments (see: master comic Eddie Izzard), but this story of a desperate family of modern gypsies living one step ahead of the law and under the thumb of an oppressive underground society is gray drama of the HBO variety: No right, no wrong, just survival. Izzard, Minnie Driver (who plays his just-paroled cough-syrup-junkie wife) and their three kids live on the lam in the Deep South, scamming as they can—until a highway accident that kills a rich couple (conveniently named the Riches) presents the ultimate identity theft. They move into the Riches’ new home, befriend their new neighbors, join the local country club and quickly become (somewhat) comfortable in their stolen American Dream. Problem is, before they bought in, “the Riches” stole a stash of cash from the gypsy society’s “extended-family bank” and now the hillbillies are on the hunt. Even though their Southern accents drift in and out, Izzard is the perfect con-man charmer and Driver is a convincing spitfire mess; The Riches should easily win back some of that dramatic cred FX inadvertently pissed away on Dirt. Not that Dirt isn’t fun, just sayin’ …

DVD
Borat Now, those who didn’t walk blindly into a theater last fall for the shock of a lifetime (or at least lunchtime) can now blindly rent it because “Oh, that looks fun.” Ah, America. The actual comedy of Borat was slightly oversold, but not the visceral cultural impact and genius of Sacha Baron Cohen. FoxHome.com

Fast Food Nation Newsflash: Big business couldn’t give a rat’s ass about you—but it will sell you one on a sesame-seed bun. Fast Food Nation doesn’t quite work as the Super Size Me/Thank You for Smoking combo that Richard Linklater probably shot for, but the performances (particularly Greg Kinnear’s) rock. FoxHome.com

The Loop: Season 1 All seven episodes of the sitcom no one watched on Fox last year; even stranger, it’s coming back this summer. As here-today-gone-later-today Fox sitcoms go, The Loop had promise: 20-something airline exec graduates slackerdom; friends don’t, hilarity rushes by. But Happy Hour was better. FoxHome.com

More New DVD Releases (3.6) Brush With Death, Hawaii Five-O: Season 1, Kettle of Fish, Let’s Go to Prison, Moonlighting: Season 5, Nadine in Dateland, Northern Exposure: Season 6, Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Season 1, South Park: Season 9, Stargate Atlantis: Season 2, Walkout

BROADBAND
That’s My Daughter Believe it or not, there are shows even Comedy Central deems too weird (or at least too short) to air—they end up in ComedyCentral.com’s Motherlode video dump. That’s My Daughter, a Los Angeles comedy troupe with an affinity for porn mustaches and the worst of ‘80s cheese, have posted a musical trilogy of shorts espousing the joys and dangers of Patrick Swayze, tight white jeans and the possibility of “going gay.” Funny? Cautionary? You decide.