DVDs 5.22.07

Alone With Her Tom Hanks’ kid Colin plays a disturbed loner stalking a woman who apparently doesn’t respond to “Don’t you know who my dad is?” IFC.com

Apocalypto Mel Gibson’s great big Mayan adventure, complete with subtitles and raping and plundering and lions and tigers—oh my! Apocalypto.movies.go.com

Epic Movie A dare was issued to make a worse movie than Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Or a parody of blockbuster films. Done! FoxHome.com

Kitchen Confidential: Complete Series Not to be confused with Hell’s Kitchen, Kitchen Confidential was smart, funny and, of course, instantly canceled by Fox in 2005. FoxHome.com

Kyle XY: Season 1 A teen hunk with no bellybutton emerges naked from the forest with no memory—is he an alien? Who cares? Naked teen hunk! ABCFamily.com

The OC: Season 4 The final season, Marissa-free and Taylor Townsend-riffic. Absent from the extras: “Whatever Happened to Phantom Planet?” WarnerBros.com

More New DVD Releases (5.22) Airwolf: Season 3, Fay Grim, The Good German, Instant Star: Season 1, Scrubs: Season 5

BROADBAND
Flight of the Conchords HBO’s new comedy series Flight of The Conchords (kind of a New Zealand-via-New York spin on Tenacious D, starring kiwi comical-musical duo The Conchords) doesn’t debut until June 17, but the hilarious first episode is available for free online right now at HBO.com and MySpace.com/Conchords. After that, you’ll just have to go back to stealing cable.

Emos Exposed!

Thanks ABC 4! You've alerted Utah to a "danger" that's only been around for about five years! Get a load of this:

"ABC 4 News is sounding the alarm about a teen phenomenon sweeping the nation. It's something we found most teens know about, but few parents had any clue of. It's called Emo Culture. Emo is an abbreviation for emotional. Part punk, part goth, emo kids celebrate sadness and pain. Psychologist Judith Zimmerman tells ABC 4 News, 'Part of the guiding philosophy of Emo kids is pain. That's the sub-current.'"

Wow! How is it that ABC 4 is dead fucking last in the local TV news ratings?

Critical Ass

Cancellation Boulevard Your favorite shows? Yeah, sorry: ABC has killed Big Day, Day Break, George Lopez, The Great American Dream Vote, Help Me Help You, In Case of Emergency, The Knights of Prosperity, The Nine, Show Me the Money, Six Degrees and What About Brian. CBS has executed Armed & Famous, The Class, Close to Home, Jericho, The King of Queens, Smith and 3 Lbs. Fox has exterminated Drive, Happy Hour, Justice, Nanny 911, The O.C., The Rich List, Trading Spouses, Vanished, The War at Home, The Wedding Bells and The Winner. The CW has snuffed All of Us, Gilmore Girls, Reba, Runaway, Seventh Heaven (again) and Veronica Mars (bastards!). NBC has granted dirtnaps to Andy Barker P.I., The Black Donnellys, Crossing Jordan, Grease: You’re the One That I Want, Identity, Kidnapped, Raines, The Real Wedding Crashers, Thank God You’re Here and …

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Thursday 5.24 (NBC) Return: Oh, like you really thought it was going to last forever. Since they paid out the ass for ‘em, NBC is burning off the final six episodes of Aaron Sorkin’s valiant effort to force Middle America feel empathy for Hollywood millionaires who produce sketch shows about how Jesus-freak stupid Middle America is—until it starts hemorrhaging ER’s timeslot viewers, then it’s off to NBC.com for you atheist yucksters. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip launched with an amazing pilot last fall, but even diehard fans will admit that the series devolved into an incestuous soap opera with delusions of bringing down The Establishment (hey, just like an alt-weekly newspaper office … hmmm). Let’s hope Sorkin & Co. at least attempted to redeem themselves in the back six.

So You Think You Can Dance? Thursday 5.24 (Fox) Season Premiere: No, I don’t. Go fuck yourself.

On the Lot Monday 5.28 (Fox) New Series: Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett’s mash-up of Project Greenlight and Survivor (teams of unknown filmmakers work together to create short films on the fly; auteurs are eliminated until one ultimately wins a development deal with DreamWorks) might be the first-ever Fox reality contest to actually involve some talent. But then again, the panel of judges includes crapmasters Garry Marshall and Brett Ratner, so it all balances out.

House, Boston Legal Tuesday 5.29 (Fox, ABC) Season Finales: Dr. House solves a mystery disease at the :49 mark; Alan and Denny take on an over-the-top case. See ya next season!

Hidden Palms Wednesday 5.30 (The CW) Series Debut: If a team of chimps created a teen soap that combined all the lamest elements of The O.C., One Tree Hill and a Palm Springs travel brochure … I’d much rather watch that than Hidden Palms, another example of why The CW should be scrapped altogether and have the spare parts sold off to real networks. Get this: Broody teen Johnny Miller (Taylor Handley—late of The O.C., natch) moves to Palm Springs with his mom and new step-dad after a rehab stint, only to learn that … paradise has a dark side. Great. On top of that, he’s out to solve a local murder mystery with the help of several hot girls and … a drag queen, who’s “the only voice of reason in the strange and artificial atmosphere of Palm Springs.” Genius. Veronica who?

The Next Best Thing Wednesday 5.30 (ABC) Series Debut: ABC tacked on the subtitle Who is the Greatest Celebrity Impersonator? The Only TV Column That Matters™ would like to add The Reality/Talent Show Teet Has Now Officially Sucked Dry, So Please Excuse Us as We Drag it Across the Street and Cash the Last Check. Set your TiVos accordingly.

29 Finales & a Bitch Ain't One

Seven days, 29 season finales, no waiting ...

Thursday 5.17
The Office, Scrubs, ER (NBC) In The Office’s one-hour season finale, Michael, Jim and Karen are all interviewing in New York for the job at corporate—but is Andy still floating in the lake? As for the season (but not series) finale of Scrubs, it’s all babies and weddings, so it’ll flow seamlessly into ER.

Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) How could Ugly Betty get any gayer? Bring in Kristin Chenoweth and stage a musical episode! Grey’s Anatomy goes out further setting up the Kate’s Anatomy spin-off and a forthcoming Disneyland ride (adults only).

Smallville, Supernatural (The CW) Hair mussed, shirts off—let’s fight some evil!

Friday 5.18
Law & Order (NBC) Hair Brylcreemed, shirts tucked—let’s not get canceled!

Numb3rs (CBS) A shocking secret is discovered within the FBI team. Not to give anything away, but it involves Charlie, a calculator and six female Korean “massage” therapists.

Saturday 5.19
Saturday Night Live (NBC) Zach Braff hosts, so the musical guest has to be some underground indie-hipster sensation. Ladies and gentlemen … Maroon 5?

Mad TV, Talkshow With Spike Feresten (Fox) After 12 seasons, Mad TV may not be back for another—because, get this, lead-out Talkshow With Spike Feresten pulls better late-night ratings than Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and Carson Daly do on weeknights. Seriously! Also, Talkshow is owned and produced by Fox; Mad TV, not so much. Wow, that’s more ink than has ever been wasted on these shows …

Sunday 5.20
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters (ABC) Would The Only TV Column That Matters™ make a cheap Ty Pennington/DUI joke? Why hammer the hammered? Ha! On Desperate Housewives, it’s more weddings and no babies, which would flow seamlessly into Brothers & Sisters, if not for the fact that B&S sucks.

King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox) Another wedding (!) for King of the Hill, Jack and Chloe of 24 drop in on The Simpsons, Peter time-travels on Family Guy and American Dad races across the country—just like Drive, only not canceled. Ouch.

Monday 5.21
The Bachelor (ABC) Andy the buff ‘n’ waxed Bachelor is not gay. He loves the ladies. As long they have a penis … er, sweet personality.

24 (Fox) Disco Stu and Bumblebee Man of The Simpsons drop in on 24 … no? So unfair.

Heroes, Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC) Can the Heroes prevent New York from being blow’d up and a post-apocalyptic future of weird facial hair? On L&O:CI, the bodies are piling up—and none of them are Vincent D’Onofrio’s.

Tuesday 5.22
Dancing With the Stars, Boston Legal (ABC) Why do people continue to watch Dancing with no Heather Mills? I’m stumped. Boston Legal’s season finale finds Alan and Denny representing Andy the Bachelor, who’s suing some TV hack for defamation.

NCIS (CBS) A hostage-situation cliffhanger. How unusual.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) Ice-T’s stepson (Ludacris) goes on trial for murdering his baby-mama. Expect some acting, sucka!

Veronica Mars (The CW) It’s the end of the line for Veronica—maybe. At press time, The CW was leaning toward canceling Veronica Mars instead of opting for a fourth season that would jump ahead five years and revolve around our spunky heroine’s new adventures in the FBI. Or in the Pussycat Dolls.

Wednesday 5.23
Lost (ABC) You now know they’re not getting off the island until 2010. Wait it out.

American Idol (Fox) Oh, and we’re out of space. Dang the luck …

CSI: O.C.

CSI, Without a Trace Thursday 5.10 (CBS) O.C. Alert, Season Finale: Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) may have found movie work in the critical dog In the Land of Women (“Garden State for Dummies”), but the only former O.C. star that The Only TV Column That Matters™ cares about, Melinda Clarke, is back as the only CSI character I can actually name: Dominatrix Lady Heather … Julie Cooper with marketable skills, so hot. And as if that weren’t enough, Without a Trace (the Maxim of crime procedurals) returns to Thursday for a special fifth-season finale involving Roselyn Sanchez and Poppy Montgomery undercover as dominatrixes. Not really, but I’m imagining as hard as I can …

Traveler Thursday 5.10 (ABC) Series Debut: Three college buddies road-trip to New York and visit an art museum, which explodes after two of them are caught on security cameras rollerblading out of the building, which then gets them labeled as terrorists as the third bud (named “Will Traveler”) who could clear them has mysteriously vanished. Have they been framed in an international conspiracy? Who is Will Traveler? And what kind of “college buds” hit New York for a day of art museums and rollerblading? If you were a fan of serialized thrillers like Day Break and The Nine … you should have learned your lesson by now.

Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home Friday 5.11 (CBS) Season Finales: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s soft-focus spirit fluffer has lasted two whole seasons now, so maybe she’s earned a reprieve from the boob jokes. In the season finale, Melinda must once again battle the forces of the dark side in Grandview, and nothing thwarts evil like spectacular fun bags (they’re large sacks of crystals and charms from The Angel Shoppe next door to Melinda’s antique store, ya pervs). On the second-season ender of Close to Home, Annabeth’s hair looks great and somebody gets killed—but it’s not that handsome JAG fella, so tell your mom to relax.

Survivor: Fiji Sunday 5.13 (CBS) Season Finale: One of the dirty islanders wins a million bucks, followed by the reunion show, followed by the usual winner’s press rounds on The Early Show, The Late Show, The Late Late Show and Everybody Hates Katie Couric, er, The CBS Unwatched News. Just business as usual.

How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, The King of Queens, CSI: Miami Monday 5.14 (CBS) Season Finales: All you need to know: How I Met Your Mother is the funniest trad sitcom on television right now, Two & a Half Men is the filthiest, The King of Queens is dead (series finale, folks), and CSI: Miami’s opening sequences are the purest of comedy—“Looks like this chicken …” [Slips sunglasses on] “… is fried.” Ha!

Gilmore Girls Tuesday 5.15 (The CW) Series Finale: Yes, it’s finally over—unless you considered Gilmore Girls to be over at the end of last season, which is entirely understandable, what with all of the sucking that’s been going on during this season. Seriously. It’s sucked with the force of a thousand sucky things—or a single One Tree Hill. How’s it all gonna end? This much we know: Rory graduates, lands a job as a political reporter and leaves Star Hollow, Lorelai and Luke get back together, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour makes a cameo (?) and—again, I’m imagining as hard as I can—Paris gets her own spin-off series on Showtime, starring as a fast-talking dominatrix in Paris is Burning. Oh, yeah …

DVDs 5.1.07

Dreamgirls Beyonce Knowles, Jennifer Hudson and another girl sing, fight and cry in the big-haired ‘60s, then get snubbed for some Oscars. And, scene. Paramount.com

The Girls Next Door: Season 2 Despite what you’ve seen on E!, Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends are not all retarded. Only Kendra is. Hope that clears things up. FoxHome.com

Illegal Aliens Anna Nicole Smith’s final tour de force, about alien bimbos protecting Earth from intergalactic evil. Yes, another Oscar snub. MTIVideo.com

Little Children Bored suburbanites (Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson) have an affair; a pedophile (Jackie Earl Haley) comes home; another feel-good hit. NewLine.com

Melrose Place: Season 2 No more Valuable Life Lessons—just backstabbing, bitchiness, brawls and Heather Locklear. Hence, the single greatest series of the ‘90s. Paramount.com

What I Like About You: Season 1 Amanda Bynes and Jennie Garth in The WB’s version of Sex and the City—minus sex, plus (usually) funnier jokes. What took so long? WarnerBros.com

More New DVD Releases (5.1) Alpha Dog, Beverly Hills 90210: Season 2, The Hitcher, King of Queens: Season 8, Will & Grace: Season 6

BROADBAND
VBS.tv If YouTube.com had some focus and quality control, or a cable network just had the balls to try anything and everything … it still might not be as cool as VBS.tv, a free “online broadcast network” that lives up to its own subtitle. Shorts from around the world, ranging from the serious and geopolitical, to alternative comics getting freaky, to casual chats with nude models, to bands you’ve never heard of, VBS.tv quite literally has it all. Good luck getting away from it once you’re sucked in.

You Know, the Mormons ...

No, I didn’t watch Part 1 of the PBS Frontline documentary The Mormons tonight. Why? First, it’s on PBS—think I have it blocked on the cable. Second, living in Salt Lake City, I hear plenty about the LDS Church, anyway; don’t really need another four hours of it, thank you. Besides, you can learn everything you need to know in a mere 22-minute South Park episode (Season 7’s “All About the Mormons,” from 2003). But, if you’re still curious, here’s an exclusive clip from the documentary:

Drive Fast, Die Pretty

Drove Firefly, Wonderfalls, The Inside—why exactly do Tim Minear and Fox continue to work together? Like those three critically-loved/audience-rejected series, Minear’s Drive (about an illegal cross-country race, as characters would mention every 10 minutes) has been pulled off the air before it could complete its low-rated run and replaced with—wait for it—House repeats. But for the few hundred of you who were sucked in, the remaining two episodes will either burn-off on Friday nights in the summer or stream-off online at Fox.com or be distributed via strategically hidden VHS tapes scattered throughout the nation’s highway rest stops. And … go!

Human Giant Thursdays (MTV) So it’s been on for a month—how was I supposed to know MTV was going to slip in a show that’s not about brain-dead teens and 20-somethings hooking up to produce the next (or Next) bastard generation of brain-dead MTV viewers and stars? Can’t imagine why MTV doesn’t contact me about these things. Anyway, Human Giant is the Internet-bred baby of comics Aziz Ansari, Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer, a series of short-film sketches so hysterically un-P.C. and Mr. Show-tilted that I’ve almost forgotten my pure, burning hatred of Paul Scheer. Almost. Among the many instant-classic bits (available online pretty much everywhere) is a blockbuster-film recreation of the Sept. 11 saga, starring children, titled Lil’ 9/11. Hey, it has a shot at the Lil’ Oscars, motherfuckers.

Shark Thursday 5.3 (CBS) Season Finale: James Woods, sleazeball-defense-attorney-turned-city-prosecutor. Jeri Ryan, Los Angeles District Attorney. A team of fab-haired, power-suited models at their disposal. It’s an ER-killin’ hit, but The Only TV Column That Matters™ declared Shark ridiculous (or, as they say on Human Giant, ric-deezy-lus) upon its debut in September. Nothing’s changed; if anything, the show’s gotten cocky and comfortable in its borderline campy, faux-Bruckheimer legal bluster—which makes it waaay more fun than other CBS law fare like Close to Home, an actual Jerry B. production. In the season finale, Stark the Shark faces off (again) with serial killer Billy Campbell, so expect Acting! galore. Or, Ryan’s case, Pouting!

Cold Case, The Unit Sunday 5.6; Tuesday 5.8 (CBS) Season Finales: There’s a certain quadrant of CBS’ schedule that gets huge ratings, yet you’ll never find anyone who’ll admit, even at gunpoint, to watching the shows—trust me, I’ve tried (“Can’t name a CSI:NY character? Don’t push me, punk!”). NCIS is the flagship phantom; Cold Case and The Unit are close behind: The former stars Kathryn Morris and her Bowie Labyrinth wig as a Philadelphia detective who solves crimes committed as far back as the wardrobe budget will allow (‘70s polyester, yes; 1870s petticoats, not so much). The latter stars well-endowed Dennis Haysbert undercover in the porn industry … I think; never actually seen it. Both end their seasons on nail-biting cliffhangers. Or pillow-biting cliffhangers.

Hooters Dream Girl Challenge Tuesday 5.8 (MyNetworkTV) Having failed with knockoff telenovellas, start-up MyNetworkTV is scrambling for viewers—any viewers—with dude-bait programming even Spike has probably passed on. This week, it’s America’s Trashiest Weddings, Body Doubles International Twin Search and this, America’s Next Top Mooseknuckle. Sixteen Hooters waitresses from around the world (tres exotic) compete for the honor of appearing on the cover of … the Hooters Magazine swimsuit issue? Look for it on newsstands next to the Ruby Tuesday Reader.

Jericho Wednesday 5.9 (CBS) Season Finale: In a battle of Springfield vs. Shelbyville proportions, the townsfolk of Jericho take on neighboring New Bern to determine who’ll be the Kings of the Apocalypse—and, sez the CBS PR, “one of Jericho’s own will be lost.” My money’s on Major Dad.

The Return of Dolphin Girl!

Not that they bothered to officially announce it, but NBC has at least noted on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip’s website that the show will finally be returning to the air on Thursday, May 24—the day after May Sweeps are over, coincidentally. How long it lasts there against CBS’ hit Shark and other networks’ fare is anyone’s guess; the famously flopped Aaron Sorkin series’ burn-off could be dealt further indignity with a Saturday or even online death sentence, which would actually be better than Saturday. NBC is still overlooking my brilliant idea to merge semi-hit 30 Rock with Studio 60 to make one mega-tribute to Saturday Night Live. Tiny Fey against Sarah Paulson? Tina wins. Tracy Morgan vs. D.L. Hughley? Tracy wins. Alec Baldwin taking on Steven Weber? Puh-leez. But, no one on 30 Rock can brood like Matthew Perry. Balances out.

Duff Enough

Tonight’s one-hour season finale of Ace of Cakes (Food Network) delivered two impossible creations: A dead-on replica of a Royal typewriter (see, kids, back in the dark ages … never mind) and a football monstrosity roughly the size of a Mini Cooper that Duff and the Charm City Cakes crew drove from Baltimore to Miami for the Super Bowl. Whether these cakes are actually edible is beside the point—they’re engineering and artistic marvels; if you can eat ‘em, bonus. Me, I’m saving up for a cake re-creation of Jimi Hendrix burning his Strat at Monterey Pop (see, kids, Jimi Hendrix … never mind).