Stars & Stripes

Army Wives Sundays (Lifetime) I know, I know—why the hell is The Only TV Column That Matters™ watching Lifetime? Because the network has finally delivered a juicy, borderline ridiculous (and liberally patriotic!) soap opera on par with its Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives reruns (really, better than the Housewives reruns). Get this: One Wife’s Westpoint-bound teen secretly beats her—and her husband may have just been shot down in Iraq! Another Wife secretly carried surrogate twins to pay off a secret debt! Another Wife’s new hubby secretly paid off her ex to sign secret adoption papers for her kids! Another Wife’s (husband, actually) mate has returned from combat with a secret—she’s batshit crazy with secret post-war syndrome! Another … well, she’s keeping all these secrets from the Army base brass—secretly! All this, plus the secret fact that I’ll watch anything with Catherine Bell—even saw JAG once, but it’s a secret.

Last Comic Standing Wednesdays (NBC) Local Alert: Look for Salt Lake City stand-up comedian Ryan Hamilton in the early rounds—but don’t root for him to win. The only work Last Comic Standing winners can apparently get is serving as judges on future editions of Last Comic Standing or appearing on a never-ending string of “wacky” morning radio shows alongside the constantly bitching losers (also known as the Eighth Suburb of Hell). Would you really wish that on the poor guy? Didn’t think so—take a dive, Ry.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Thursdays (NBC) Remember that excitement about NBC allowing Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip to play out its final episodes over the summer? Over it. Waaay over it. What was originally a crackling showbiz dramedy with touches of creator Aaron Sorkin’s old West Wing zing has devolved into a painfully overextended diatribe against the Iraq war, the president, the media, the Christian Right, prescription drugs, troublesome blondes—all worthwhile targets to piss on, but damn … It’s finally over next week; I’ll apologize for ever defending Studio 60 when the rest of the critical intelligentsia does.

Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis Friday 6.22 (Sci-Fi) Series Finale/Season Finale: If only Studio 60 could manage to even be half as funny as Stargate SG-1—observe this brilliantly subtle jab at the Sci-Fi Channel from an episode a few weeks ago: Sam: “The Stargate program just doesn’t get the support it used to from the people in charge.” Jasec: “Why not?” Scientist working in background: “Eureka!” Ha! See, Sci-Fi has canceled the decade-old SG-1 but kept on fluffier fare like Eureka … never mind. Geek territory. Atlantis will, however, remain. No, I don’t know why, either.

Katie & Peter Saturday 6.23 (E!) Season Finale: Model Katie Price and singer Peter Andre are huge in Britain, where they met on a U.K. reality show. They’re dumber Nick & Jessica and shallower than Posh & Becks. E! has wasted three months of valuable airtime that could have been given to, oh, Sunset Tan on these gigantic boobs. And Peter.

Big Love: In the Beginning Sunday 6.24 (HBO) Special: Ever wonder what life was like in the early days at the Henrickson house(s)? Probably not, but this time-rewinding threesome (get it?) of 10-minute vignettes illustrates the introductions of Nikki and Margene into the polygamous family, as well as the wives pleading to have their overcrowded household split into a trio of connected homes in Sandy—to which Bill replies, understandably, “No way, no way, no way!” It’s a standard initial reaction to Sandy; the local accuracy of Big Love is uncanny.

Cable Ready

Flight of The Conchords Sunday 6.17 (HBO) Series Debut: Meet the new Tenacious D—if the D were more skinny, subtle and Auckland-y. Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement are The Conchords, “New Zealand’s fourth most popular musical comedy duo,” looking to make it big in America, or at least New York City. Unfortunately, their incompetent manager (a la HBO’s Extras) won’t book them gigs at night because “it’s dangerous out there,” their lone fan is a creepily obsessed housewife and their first music video was shot on a camera phone. It might be blasphemy to say that The Conchords’ daily misadventures and hysterical songs rival Tenacious D’s, but the debut Flight episode kills … and it’s not even the funniest one.

Entourage Sunday 6.17 (HBO) Season Premiere: Yes, already—don’t ask me to explain it. You can, however, call me on my prediction that Vince’s Pablo Escobar dream project will never be filmed: Entourage’s fourth-season opener is shot as a behind-the-scenes doc of … The Making of Medellin. It’s a clever change-up for the usually glam series to get on-location dirty in Columbia, but is director Billy Walsh having a meltdown over budget constraints or the fact that Vince, who’s had such a righteous hard-on to get this movie right, didn’t even bother to grow a real fucking mustache to play Escobar? Cheesy stick-on ‘stache aside, Medellin does indeed wrap production—as for the final cut, well, that’s next week’s problem.

The 4400, The Dead Zone Sunday 6.17 (USA) Season Premieres: Jesus, er, Jordan Collier (Billy Campbell) is now a series regular on The 4400, despite having been assassinated last season—because no one’s going to watch a show called The 4399. On The Dead Zone, Johnny (Anthony Michael Hall) is no longer seeing visions of the apocalypse, even the Antichrist has taken office as the Vice President of the United States … when did this become a documentary?

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Sunday 6.17 (Adult Swim) Not only did Robot Chicken creators Seth Green and Matt Senreich get George Lucas’ permission to ironically/satirically/scatologically re-create the Star Wars canon with stop-motion action figures, they got Lucas himself to provide the voice for his own character—good humor or evil genius? Never know with that guy. Do I even need to add that Robot Chicken’s version of Star Wars is better than Episodes 1, 2 and 3?

The Closer Monday 6.18 (TNT) Season Premiere: Without Kyra Sedgwick, her Golden Globes and excellent supporting cast, a standard-issue cop show like The Closer would never have become The Biggest Cable Series of All Damn Time (as TNT would probably love to subtitle it). Unlike the average fatally flawed FX antihero, Sedgwick’s ex-CIA-turned-LAPD chief Brenda Johnson’s biggest vice is sugar—and she’s still as captivating as The Shield’s Vic Mackey; just imagine if she started offing perps after a bad Splenda binge. As Season 3 opens, she has a grisly triple homicide and department budget cuts to deal with—bust out the Little Debbies!

Heartland Monday 6.18 (TNT) Series Debut: Stop me if you've heard this one before: A brilliant asshole of a surgeon who plays by his own rules routinely pisses off his colleagues but always saves the life at the end of the day/show. Yes, it’s Treat Williams as House, minus the limp and stubble … and pretty much everything else. Oh, and he works with his bitter ex-wife and the series is called Heartland because he’s an organ-transplant specialist. Probably. Don’t really care. TNT dumped Saved (last year’s waaay better medical Closer companion) for this?

Standoff-ish

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But ... Pirates

Pirate Master Thursday 5.31 (CBS) Series Debut: It’s Survivor with a trendy pirate twist. Or gay porn. Might take about three episodes to figure it out, which is five more than The Only TV Column That Matters™ is prepared to invest. At least it’s not Rock Star: Stone Temple Pilots.

The Starter Wife Thursday 5.31 (USA) Miniseries Debut: If you haven’t heard about this one, you don’t have cable—or TV, or sensory perception. The USA Network has never promoted an event as heavily as The Starter Wife, a four-hour-that-coulda-been-two miniseries starring Ned & Stacey’s (sorry, Will & Grace’s) Debra Messing as the just-dumped spouse of a Hollywood power weasel trying to find herself with the help of her friends (one cynical, one sweet, one gay—bases covered) and zippy one-liners (“Of course I’m cranky! I haven’t eaten for 12 years!”). The irony of 38-year-old Messing playing a 40-something in a pseudo-commentary on Hollywood’s treatment of older women aside, The Starter Wife is hyper-colorful fun that nicely balances laughs and Touching Moments, even when you know exactly where it’s headed (Will she find happiness with a younger/hotter man than her douchebag husband? Duh. Is the guy who played Will unemployable?). This may also be Messing’s I’m-Not-Grace breakout role—but she’ll always be Stacey to me.

Hex Saturday 6.2 (BBC America) Season Premiere: It didn’t make much sense, but last year’s BBC America run of the addictive British supernatural series Hex at least kept you asking, “What’s going to happen next? And what just happened now?” Nutshell: Unpopular schoolgirl gains witch-y powers, her lesbian roommate is killed by a hunky demon, said roommate remains as a wisecracking ghost, together they must battle the minions of Satan—and possibly a cease-and-desist order from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s lawyers. In the second and final season, Unpopular Girl is dead and a centuries-old demon-hunting witch has taken her place; wisecracking and rampant sex (hey, it’s cable—and British) continue unabated.

Entourage Sunday 6.3 (HBO) Season Finale: In a network first, HBO won’t make you wait two years for the next season of a series: Entourage’s fourth will begin on June 17—never mind the long-ass break in this third season and just go with it. That said, not much of a cliffhanger here: Does anyone really think Medellin is ever going to get made? And am I the only one concerned about how easy it was for Drama to storm into The Hollywood Reporter’s offices a few weeks ago and confront a TV critic? No? Just me, then … Drama rules!

The Riches Monday 6.4 (FX) Season Finale: FX has granted second seasons to Dirt (eh) and The Riches (woo-hoo!), but only the latter earned it—and with far less hype. The Riches, starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver as gypsy grifters posing as wealthy suburbanites living on the edge of being found out, has evolved quietly from quirky setup to societal-class study without getting (too) preachy about it. Izzard’s Wayne/Doug, originally the optimistic Man With a Plan, has become a broken “lawyer,” while Driver’s Dahlia/Cherien, at first a druggy wreck, is looking more and more like the only “Rich” who’ll be able to hold the family and the scam together. As with the first season of the like-minded Big Love, The Riches’ first closes with the threat of exposure; also similarly, that’s the least of their problems.

The Shield Tuesday 6.5 (FX) Season Finale: Don’t we end every season of The Shield saying “the shit’s all coming down, man!”? Well … the shit’s all coming down, man!

DVDs 5.22.07

Alone With Her Tom Hanks’ kid Colin plays a disturbed loner stalking a woman who apparently doesn’t respond to “Don’t you know who my dad is?” IFC.com

Apocalypto Mel Gibson’s great big Mayan adventure, complete with subtitles and raping and plundering and lions and tigers—oh my! Apocalypto.movies.go.com

Epic Movie A dare was issued to make a worse movie than Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Or a parody of blockbuster films. Done! FoxHome.com

Kitchen Confidential: Complete Series Not to be confused with Hell’s Kitchen, Kitchen Confidential was smart, funny and, of course, instantly canceled by Fox in 2005. FoxHome.com

Kyle XY: Season 1 A teen hunk with no bellybutton emerges naked from the forest with no memory—is he an alien? Who cares? Naked teen hunk! ABCFamily.com

The OC: Season 4 The final season, Marissa-free and Taylor Townsend-riffic. Absent from the extras: “Whatever Happened to Phantom Planet?” WarnerBros.com

More New DVD Releases (5.22) Airwolf: Season 3, Fay Grim, The Good German, Instant Star: Season 1, Scrubs: Season 5

BROADBAND
Flight of the Conchords HBO’s new comedy series Flight of The Conchords (kind of a New Zealand-via-New York spin on Tenacious D, starring kiwi comical-musical duo The Conchords) doesn’t debut until June 17, but the hilarious first episode is available for free online right now at HBO.com and MySpace.com/Conchords. After that, you’ll just have to go back to stealing cable.

Emos Exposed!

Thanks ABC 4! You've alerted Utah to a "danger" that's only been around for about five years! Get a load of this:

"ABC 4 News is sounding the alarm about a teen phenomenon sweeping the nation. It's something we found most teens know about, but few parents had any clue of. It's called Emo Culture. Emo is an abbreviation for emotional. Part punk, part goth, emo kids celebrate sadness and pain. Psychologist Judith Zimmerman tells ABC 4 News, 'Part of the guiding philosophy of Emo kids is pain. That's the sub-current.'"

Wow! How is it that ABC 4 is dead fucking last in the local TV news ratings?

Critical Ass

Cancellation Boulevard Your favorite shows? Yeah, sorry: ABC has killed Big Day, Day Break, George Lopez, The Great American Dream Vote, Help Me Help You, In Case of Emergency, The Knights of Prosperity, The Nine, Show Me the Money, Six Degrees and What About Brian. CBS has executed Armed & Famous, The Class, Close to Home, Jericho, The King of Queens, Smith and 3 Lbs. Fox has exterminated Drive, Happy Hour, Justice, Nanny 911, The O.C., The Rich List, Trading Spouses, Vanished, The War at Home, The Wedding Bells and The Winner. The CW has snuffed All of Us, Gilmore Girls, Reba, Runaway, Seventh Heaven (again) and Veronica Mars (bastards!). NBC has granted dirtnaps to Andy Barker P.I., The Black Donnellys, Crossing Jordan, Grease: You’re the One That I Want, Identity, Kidnapped, Raines, The Real Wedding Crashers, Thank God You’re Here and …

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Thursday 5.24 (NBC) Return: Oh, like you really thought it was going to last forever. Since they paid out the ass for ‘em, NBC is burning off the final six episodes of Aaron Sorkin’s valiant effort to force Middle America feel empathy for Hollywood millionaires who produce sketch shows about how Jesus-freak stupid Middle America is—until it starts hemorrhaging ER’s timeslot viewers, then it’s off to NBC.com for you atheist yucksters. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip launched with an amazing pilot last fall, but even diehard fans will admit that the series devolved into an incestuous soap opera with delusions of bringing down The Establishment (hey, just like an alt-weekly newspaper office … hmmm). Let’s hope Sorkin & Co. at least attempted to redeem themselves in the back six.

So You Think You Can Dance? Thursday 5.24 (Fox) Season Premiere: No, I don’t. Go fuck yourself.

On the Lot Monday 5.28 (Fox) New Series: Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett’s mash-up of Project Greenlight and Survivor (teams of unknown filmmakers work together to create short films on the fly; auteurs are eliminated until one ultimately wins a development deal with DreamWorks) might be the first-ever Fox reality contest to actually involve some talent. But then again, the panel of judges includes crapmasters Garry Marshall and Brett Ratner, so it all balances out.

House, Boston Legal Tuesday 5.29 (Fox, ABC) Season Finales: Dr. House solves a mystery disease at the :49 mark; Alan and Denny take on an over-the-top case. See ya next season!

Hidden Palms Wednesday 5.30 (The CW) Series Debut: If a team of chimps created a teen soap that combined all the lamest elements of The O.C., One Tree Hill and a Palm Springs travel brochure … I’d much rather watch that than Hidden Palms, another example of why The CW should be scrapped altogether and have the spare parts sold off to real networks. Get this: Broody teen Johnny Miller (Taylor Handley—late of The O.C., natch) moves to Palm Springs with his mom and new step-dad after a rehab stint, only to learn that … paradise has a dark side. Great. On top of that, he’s out to solve a local murder mystery with the help of several hot girls and … a drag queen, who’s “the only voice of reason in the strange and artificial atmosphere of Palm Springs.” Genius. Veronica who?

The Next Best Thing Wednesday 5.30 (ABC) Series Debut: ABC tacked on the subtitle Who is the Greatest Celebrity Impersonator? The Only TV Column That Matters™ would like to add The Reality/Talent Show Teet Has Now Officially Sucked Dry, So Please Excuse Us as We Drag it Across the Street and Cash the Last Check. Set your TiVos accordingly.

29 Finales & a Bitch Ain't One

Seven days, 29 season finales, no waiting ...

Thursday 5.17
The Office, Scrubs, ER (NBC) In The Office’s one-hour season finale, Michael, Jim and Karen are all interviewing in New York for the job at corporate—but is Andy still floating in the lake? As for the season (but not series) finale of Scrubs, it’s all babies and weddings, so it’ll flow seamlessly into ER.

Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) How could Ugly Betty get any gayer? Bring in Kristin Chenoweth and stage a musical episode! Grey’s Anatomy goes out further setting up the Kate’s Anatomy spin-off and a forthcoming Disneyland ride (adults only).

Smallville, Supernatural (The CW) Hair mussed, shirts off—let’s fight some evil!

Friday 5.18
Law & Order (NBC) Hair Brylcreemed, shirts tucked—let’s not get canceled!

Numb3rs (CBS) A shocking secret is discovered within the FBI team. Not to give anything away, but it involves Charlie, a calculator and six female Korean “massage” therapists.

Saturday 5.19
Saturday Night Live (NBC) Zach Braff hosts, so the musical guest has to be some underground indie-hipster sensation. Ladies and gentlemen … Maroon 5?

Mad TV, Talkshow With Spike Feresten (Fox) After 12 seasons, Mad TV may not be back for another—because, get this, lead-out Talkshow With Spike Feresten pulls better late-night ratings than Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and Carson Daly do on weeknights. Seriously! Also, Talkshow is owned and produced by Fox; Mad TV, not so much. Wow, that’s more ink than has ever been wasted on these shows …

Sunday 5.20
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters (ABC) Would The Only TV Column That Matters™ make a cheap Ty Pennington/DUI joke? Why hammer the hammered? Ha! On Desperate Housewives, it’s more weddings and no babies, which would flow seamlessly into Brothers & Sisters, if not for the fact that B&S sucks.

King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad (Fox) Another wedding (!) for King of the Hill, Jack and Chloe of 24 drop in on The Simpsons, Peter time-travels on Family Guy and American Dad races across the country—just like Drive, only not canceled. Ouch.

Monday 5.21
The Bachelor (ABC) Andy the buff ‘n’ waxed Bachelor is not gay. He loves the ladies. As long they have a penis … er, sweet personality.

24 (Fox) Disco Stu and Bumblebee Man of The Simpsons drop in on 24 … no? So unfair.

Heroes, Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC) Can the Heroes prevent New York from being blow’d up and a post-apocalyptic future of weird facial hair? On L&O:CI, the bodies are piling up—and none of them are Vincent D’Onofrio’s.

Tuesday 5.22
Dancing With the Stars, Boston Legal (ABC) Why do people continue to watch Dancing with no Heather Mills? I’m stumped. Boston Legal’s season finale finds Alan and Denny representing Andy the Bachelor, who’s suing some TV hack for defamation.

NCIS (CBS) A hostage-situation cliffhanger. How unusual.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC) Ice-T’s stepson (Ludacris) goes on trial for murdering his baby-mama. Expect some acting, sucka!

Veronica Mars (The CW) It’s the end of the line for Veronica—maybe. At press time, The CW was leaning toward canceling Veronica Mars instead of opting for a fourth season that would jump ahead five years and revolve around our spunky heroine’s new adventures in the FBI. Or in the Pussycat Dolls.

Wednesday 5.23
Lost (ABC) You now know they’re not getting off the island until 2010. Wait it out.

American Idol (Fox) Oh, and we’re out of space. Dang the luck …

CSI: O.C.

CSI, Without a Trace Thursday 5.10 (CBS) O.C. Alert, Season Finale: Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) may have found movie work in the critical dog In the Land of Women (“Garden State for Dummies”), but the only former O.C. star that The Only TV Column That Matters™ cares about, Melinda Clarke, is back as the only CSI character I can actually name: Dominatrix Lady Heather … Julie Cooper with marketable skills, so hot. And as if that weren’t enough, Without a Trace (the Maxim of crime procedurals) returns to Thursday for a special fifth-season finale involving Roselyn Sanchez and Poppy Montgomery undercover as dominatrixes. Not really, but I’m imagining as hard as I can …

Traveler Thursday 5.10 (ABC) Series Debut: Three college buddies road-trip to New York and visit an art museum, which explodes after two of them are caught on security cameras rollerblading out of the building, which then gets them labeled as terrorists as the third bud (named “Will Traveler”) who could clear them has mysteriously vanished. Have they been framed in an international conspiracy? Who is Will Traveler? And what kind of “college buds” hit New York for a day of art museums and rollerblading? If you were a fan of serialized thrillers like Day Break and The Nine … you should have learned your lesson by now.

Ghost Whisperer, Close to Home Friday 5.11 (CBS) Season Finales: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s soft-focus spirit fluffer has lasted two whole seasons now, so maybe she’s earned a reprieve from the boob jokes. In the season finale, Melinda must once again battle the forces of the dark side in Grandview, and nothing thwarts evil like spectacular fun bags (they’re large sacks of crystals and charms from The Angel Shoppe next door to Melinda’s antique store, ya pervs). On the second-season ender of Close to Home, Annabeth’s hair looks great and somebody gets killed—but it’s not that handsome JAG fella, so tell your mom to relax.

Survivor: Fiji Sunday 5.13 (CBS) Season Finale: One of the dirty islanders wins a million bucks, followed by the reunion show, followed by the usual winner’s press rounds on The Early Show, The Late Show, The Late Late Show and Everybody Hates Katie Couric, er, The CBS Unwatched News. Just business as usual.

How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men, The King of Queens, CSI: Miami Monday 5.14 (CBS) Season Finales: All you need to know: How I Met Your Mother is the funniest trad sitcom on television right now, Two & a Half Men is the filthiest, The King of Queens is dead (series finale, folks), and CSI: Miami’s opening sequences are the purest of comedy—“Looks like this chicken …” [Slips sunglasses on] “… is fried.” Ha!

Gilmore Girls Tuesday 5.15 (The CW) Series Finale: Yes, it’s finally over—unless you considered Gilmore Girls to be over at the end of last season, which is entirely understandable, what with all of the sucking that’s been going on during this season. Seriously. It’s sucked with the force of a thousand sucky things—or a single One Tree Hill. How’s it all gonna end? This much we know: Rory graduates, lands a job as a political reporter and leaves Star Hollow, Lorelai and Luke get back together, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour makes a cameo (?) and—again, I’m imagining as hard as I can—Paris gets her own spin-off series on Showtime, starring as a fast-talking dominatrix in Paris is Burning. Oh, yeah …

DVDs 5.1.07

Dreamgirls Beyonce Knowles, Jennifer Hudson and another girl sing, fight and cry in the big-haired ‘60s, then get snubbed for some Oscars. And, scene. Paramount.com

The Girls Next Door: Season 2 Despite what you’ve seen on E!, Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends are not all retarded. Only Kendra is. Hope that clears things up. FoxHome.com

Illegal Aliens Anna Nicole Smith’s final tour de force, about alien bimbos protecting Earth from intergalactic evil. Yes, another Oscar snub. MTIVideo.com

Little Children Bored suburbanites (Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson) have an affair; a pedophile (Jackie Earl Haley) comes home; another feel-good hit. NewLine.com

Melrose Place: Season 2 No more Valuable Life Lessons—just backstabbing, bitchiness, brawls and Heather Locklear. Hence, the single greatest series of the ‘90s. Paramount.com

What I Like About You: Season 1 Amanda Bynes and Jennie Garth in The WB’s version of Sex and the City—minus sex, plus (usually) funnier jokes. What took so long? WarnerBros.com

More New DVD Releases (5.1) Alpha Dog, Beverly Hills 90210: Season 2, The Hitcher, King of Queens: Season 8, Will & Grace: Season 6

BROADBAND
VBS.tv If YouTube.com had some focus and quality control, or a cable network just had the balls to try anything and everything … it still might not be as cool as VBS.tv, a free “online broadcast network” that lives up to its own subtitle. Shorts from around the world, ranging from the serious and geopolitical, to alternative comics getting freaky, to casual chats with nude models, to bands you’ve never heard of, VBS.tv quite literally has it all. Good luck getting away from it once you’re sucked in.